I Hate...

So I haven't really posted in awhile, but hopefully the next paragraph will explain why. Basically, I haven't had the best past few weeks, ED-wise. Honestly, I've messed up a ton. Sadly, I can't really bring myself to care enough to stop, and as far as I know, I haven't lost any weight, which is why I feel I have to keep restricting. This is really, really hard for me to write, but I think honesty is really important in this process. I'd really appreciate comments, but I completely understand if you'd rather not comment.

**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!


I hate feeling fat. I hate wanting needing to lose a few pounds. I hate feeling guilty for eating a few extra pieces of cereal after (an inadequate) breakfast. I hate not knowing what I weigh, and if I've lost any weight yet. I hate worrying every moment of the day about what I'm eating. I hate restricting to under 1000 calories, every single day (a couple of days it was around 600), and feeling like crap if I eat a little more than normal. I hate feeling compelled to exercise in my room, even though I walk for 45-60 minutes a day for classes, and sometimes I just don't feel like working out. I hate measuring my thighs and arms every day to see if they've gotten any smaller. I hate looking at older pictures of myself and beating myself up for not looking as tiny anymore. I hate how I constantly worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat. I hate not caring anymore that I'm screwing my metabolism over. I hate that I think 90 pounds is too fat for me and anything over that is out of the question. I hate not seeing results after all my restriction. I hate how I feel proud that my butt starts hurting after only a little while of sitting down. I hate how people never tell me I look skinny anymore and how I have to rely on my own ED-ified brain to figure out if I look okay. I hate that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to have relapsed. I hate that I'm determined to be 85 pounds again, despite how underweight that is. I hate that I'm so obsessed with being skinny, and I'll probably never be skinny enough. I hate that I feel like I have to eat and exercise this way in order to stay healthy. I hate that I think I'll never be truly recovered...

It's No Joking Matter

Hi girlies! Sorry I haven't been around lately. I honestly have had no writing inspiration at all...until today, that is.

Last night, I happened to catch part of an educational show called "Fighting Fat". It was all about obesity, as you can imagine, and they were talking about different ways to combat the issue.

The only part I really saw was an interview with one woman who'd gone through gastric bypass surgery and had lost a lot of weight. However, she still wasn't at a healthy weight and she admitted to that. I think she was a stand-up comedian, and they showed one of her shows. She joked that "luckily, I've overcome my anorexia". Everyone in the audience laughed at that, but it made my heart twinge a little. I realized at that moment that jokes about anorexia really don't make me feel good.

I never really thought about it before, probably because I've never really encountered stuff like that. But I honestly really hate when people joke about it (especially people who have never personally experienced it) or when they belittle it. Anorexia (and all eating disorders) are real diseases that affect a lot of people--not just those that have it. So in my book, making fun of it or saying "Why don't you just eat?" are not okay.

There are so many misconceptions about EDs that I could go on an on about, but all I want to say is that they ARE NOT a choice--they are a disease just like cancer and ADHD. Anorexics aren't just vain girls (and guys) that stop eating so they can look better. There are real psychological issues behind the disorder and it's time that people start realizing that.

What do you think about eating disorder jokes?

Not Quite the Clean Plate Club

I’m glad you guys all liked my vlog! It was so much fun to do, so if you have the technology to do it, I definitely recommend it!

Hopefully the title of my post isn’t too confusing—I’ll explain it in a bit. First, a quick highlight of my weekend. I was lucky enough to get to go home for the weekend, since my sister was in a musical at her high school and it was my daddy’s birthday yesterday. I always enjoy the weekends I spend at home, since I always have so much to do, but then they fly by and then I’m back at school. Anyways, Saturday morning was pretty typical, I woke up and had breakfast and then got ready for the day. It was really really nice, sunny and 80 degrees, so I got to have lunch and do yoga with my sis out on the deck. I love being outside, so it was great. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with my sister, though, since she had to be at school by 3:15. So me and my dad dropped her off, and then he drove me to Keva Juice to drop off my job application and we headed to this new froyo place that’s way far away from our house, but since we both love froyo, it was so worth it. This place was AMAZING! It had so many more flavors and mix-ins than any place I’ve been to. I got a swirl mix called Oreo Joe; it was basically cookies ‘n cream and coffee froyos and it was so delish! I only ever top mine with fruit, so I got some berries and mango. Yum!



Since I forgot, I only have pics of Monday's food.
These are PB Pows, aka one of my fave cereals, plus bloobs

After that, we went to Noodles & Co. to get takeout, since we had nothing for dinner at home and didn’t have time to make anything, because of my sister’s musical. I got my usual, the small Pad Thai with shrimp, and my dad also ordered a ciabatta roll and a cucumber salad. It kind of made me nervous, because even though we were going to share them, I was scared of the extra calories. Well, the roll was really tiny, and the cucumber salad was good but probably low-cal. And I could only eat half of my noodles after that froyo, so I didn’t really eat that much. I was also nervous because I wouldn’t be able to have my evening snack at the usual time, so I packed a mini Clif bar and went to go see my sister’s musical. She was in Thoroughly Modern Millie and part of the chorus, but she and the entire cast were amazing. Definitely an enjoyable, though long night. Back at home, my mom and I watched the new SNL and then I hit the sack around 1. 

1/2 Starbucks Instant Via vanilla with Truvia and splash of skim



I tried to get all creative with the newspaper underneath haha.
Just a flax waffle with bloobs, some plain Oikos Greek yogurt
and a Morningstar spicy meatless sausage

Sunday was my daddy’s birthday, so we went out to lunch at this Mongolian grill place. I was also anxious to eat out there, so I ended up not getting very much food. I got a small plate of rice noodles with only a few spoonfuls of spicy sauce, fake crab meat and veggies. But I honestly wasn’t that hungry, so I didn’t even finish it. However, as my mom was driving me back to school yesterday afternoon, I was suddenly starving! Luckily, I had brought along some Annie’s Bunny Grahams (love those things). Well, we ended up driving right into this freak snowstorm, and the conditions were almost white-out, so my mom decided to turn around and take me back to school today instead! I was really excited, since that meant even more time at home. So we drove home, but stopped at the store to get my dad a pie for his birthday.



A really interesting sauce I made, with
unsweetened applesauce, nonfat Greek
yogurt, cinnamon and chili powder



Lunch, part 1: quinoa mixed with that sauce,
baby carrots, more bloobs and watermelon

Part 2 of lunch: Gardein meatless chik'n
tenders and a Blue Bran Vitatop

Back at home, I was still starving even after my snack, so I ate a bowl of cereal. Luckily, that was enough (just barely) to tide me over to dinner. I finished my Pad Thai and had a yummy banana caramel coffee protein drink on the side. But apparently that wasn’t enough, because by the time we sang happy birthday to my dad, I was feeling hunger pains again. I did not have the pie and ice cream, though (big fear foods)—I instead had an apple crisp Vitatop with some mango sorbet. It was still yummy but…an hour later, I was really really hungry again! By this point, I was having a mental battle with ED. He was telling me that I’d already eaten enough, but I knew that if my body was hungry, that meant I hadn’t eaten enough. Plus, I really hadn’t eaten much at all at lunch. So I grabbed a mini Clif bar and a handful of cereal. Finally, I wasn’t hungry after that. Yes, it was scary to eat 4 snacks and 3 meals in one day, but it was worth it! I felt so proud of myself, despite the fact that most of the weekend, I wasn’t able to finish my food. So I’m not a member of the Clean Plate Club, but I ate when my body wanted me to, and I didn’t get FAT! Take that, ED!

Q’s: Is it hard for you to listen to your body? How was your weekend?

I'm Stronger Than This...Right?

*Warning: May be triggering!*

I just wanted to let you guys know how much I appreciate all your support. I know I’ve said it before, but it means so much to me to be surrounded by this great community.

So, confession time: I have royally effed up. No joke. It started innocently enough, with those sneaky little ED-fueled thoughts, like “You were so much skinnier yesterday!” and “You need to exercise for at least an hour every day, no matter what!” (lies, I know). Then it progressed to me actually acting on these urges. The past 3 days, I have gone for a walk around campus. No big deal, right? Well, it wasn’t me who wanted to walk—sure it was nice to enjoy the scenery, but it was cold, windy and cloudy. And I pushed myself to the point where my foot hurts again. Not fun.

Even worse? ED talked me into major restriction today—I’m talking under-1000 calories major. Yeah, haven’t done that in 2 years. I tried to convince myself it was okay, since I didn’t get too hungry, but it isn’t okay. I felt chest pain today when I was doing normal activities. Not cool.

Oh, and despite my severe restriction today, I still forced myself to walk in the cold. All I gotta say is, WTF?

So why am I allowing ED back into my life? Honestly, I don’t know. My life is otherwise humming along, not too stressful. I guess I’ve just let my guard down and he snuck up on me. The scary things is, he’s telling me I’d be “better” if I weighed 85 pounds. What???? Um, hello, that would put me at a BMI of 16. I’m already underweight as it is. He’s telling me it would be “okay”, since I weighed that much naturally pre-ED. Okay, but now I’m an adult woman and I don’t think 85 is healthy for me anymore. Besides, I didn’t even get my period at that weight (I don’t naturally now, I’m on BC but that’s beside the point). Basically, ED is pissing me off…but not enough to make me tell him off.

Sorry guys; had to get that off my chest. I don’t feel proud of the recent choices I’ve made, but I don’t know how to get back on track. Help!!!!!!!!



Obviously I'm not in the mood for pictures, but this was a yummy yogurt mess I had the other day. The Greek yogurt was frozen, so it was like frozen yogurt...yum!



Q’s: Any ideas for me to stop this slip and start recovering again? Who else wants to tell ED to STFU (hahaha not really a question but still)?

Spring Break Part 2

Thank you all so so so SO much for your encouraging words on my anniversary post! It’s so great to have such a supportive community as we all deal with daily struggles and triumphs.

My spring break so far has been…eh. Since my mom and sister have their spring break next week, I’ve pretty much just been chilling at home by myself for a few hours until my mom gets home from work and then every day we’ve been going out and getting job applications. I seriously have almost a dozen already, and I only started looking on Sunday! My parents are basically making me get a job this summer, and I’m really nervous that I won’t get accepted at any of them and then I don’t know what my parents will do. I’ve been kind of struggling with my relationship with them these past few days. All they’re focused on is me getting a job, and they pretty much don’t want to spend any time with me, unless it’s to help me fill out an online application. I would like to get a job, so I have more money to buy clothes and such, but I feel so much pressure right now. On top of that, it seems like they pretty much don’t want me around this summer at all, because they said I either get a job or take summer classes at my university. Well, you have to pay for summer classes, and it’s kind of a lot of money. I thought they wanted me to get a job just so I could pay for my own stuff and not be a financial strain on them, but it seems like they just don’t want me around. So that’s been really tough to deal with.


My outfit today--I LOVE it!

 It hasn’t been that warm or sunny here lately. I’ve been wanting to lay out on my deck and tan in the mornings, but the sun only comes out around 2 or 3! And it’s been super-windy, but today it’s supposed to be 70 degrees!

My foot is still in pain every time I walk, but I’m getting used to it. I think I sprained it or something, so I’m still not doing any running. It’s been hard not to, because of all the stress I’ve been dealing with. My ED voice is coming back stronger, and I’ve been slightly restricting since I first got home. I am doing yoga, which is a great stress-reliever for me, so that helps. I got a new iPod app that has more intense yoga flows and I gotta tell you, they actually make me work up a sweat and my arms and legs are burning afterwards! Never thought yoga could be so intense ;)


Delicious cheese-less pizza I had last night

 One upside to being home is that I have access to more food, so I’ve been experimenting and trying new recipes. On Monday, I made quinoa turkey patties for dinner and they were delish! They were kind of like falafel, so I served them in pita bread with cucumbers and homemade tzatziki sauce. Yum! I had leftover quinoa that I already cooked so I put it in the fridge and used it yesterday and today for breakfast. Yep, you heard right, I made myself a bowl of quinoa for breakfast and I loved it! Today’s combo was orange fudgie paste mixed with cold quinoa and 2 teaspoons of almond butter. It was so good! I never thought I’d be eating quinoa at breakfast, but it makes a good alternative to oats and it has a lot of protein, too.


Dinner on Monday



Yummy cukes



Chocolate-covered quinoa=love



I’m supposed to go somewhere on Friday with my family, so I hope that still happens. We were planning on going to the aquarium, possibly clothes shopping and then getting a nice dinner up there so I’m looking forward to that. And hopefully the sun comes out soon!

Q’s: What is your favorite way to eat quinoa? How do you deal with stress so that it doesn’t end up making you fall back into ED habits?

I Hit a Road Bump

*WARNING: May be triggering, numbers are mentioned so read on with caution!

Hey everyone, I hope you’ve all had a fantastic weekend. Mine went by too fast, but I was really busy and I enjoyed my family time at home.

In fact, my weekend was really great! Everything was going just fine—I had a fun time shopping with my sister, I enjoyed a trip to Starbucks and a gelato place, I made dessert, had time in the hot tub, watched Saturday Night Live, went to church…and then, BAM! I got weighed, and everything went downhill from there.

I hadn’t been weighed in over a month, since my doctor’s appointment. I was 90 lbs then, which my doc agreed was a healthy weight for me. I think she said as long as I stayed at or above the 90 mark, I was pretty good, even though it’s still underweight. I was happy to hear that.

Suddenly, just as I was about to go back to school after Christmas break, I started to get really intense ED moments. For no good reason, I felt fat and so I started restricting. Not too extremely, just a couple hundred cals below what I normally was doing. But I pretty much did that for four weeks. By the fourth week, I tried to start eating a little more, and I was feeling less and less controlled by my eating disorder. I was still probably eating a little less than I should have. I was scared my mom was going to weigh me the first weekend I came home, and she didn’t. But just before we left today to take me back to school, she weighed me. I was 94 lbs.

I tried so hard not to cry. I did not understand at all. How could I have gone up 4 lbs after having restricted for nearly a month? I knew in the back of my mind that my true weight wasn’t actually 94—the clothes I was wearing possibly added 2 lbs, and I had eaten recently before. Plus, at the doctor’s, I was wearing less, so 90 probably was my real weight, and now I was probably 92. But still. I just did not get it.

We went to a celebration-type service at church soon after I got weighed, and I hated it because all I could think about was plans to restrict, how fat I was, blah blah blah. I couldn’t really enjoy the service, and that made me mad that I let ED control me like that. Especially after I talked about in a recent post about how the number on the scale shouldn’t define you. And what was I doing—letting my weight define how I felt. I felt like such a hypocrite.

After the service, my mom noticed how sad I looked, and she obviously knew what was up. I started crying, and I didn’t really care that we were out in public. I felt so crappy right then. But she pulled me aside and told me how proud she was of me, and reminded me how my weight fluctuates. It made me feel a little better, but then I had to say goodbye for another 12 days, so I still was kinda sad.

My dad drove me back to school, and we stopped for dinner at this burger place. It’s really environmentally-friendly and everything and luckily, they have other non-red-meat options. I got the Portobello mushroom burger and it was super-delicious. I also got edamame on the side. It was a good dinner, but I was still so preoccupied with my weight.



Not my picture (go here), but this is what I got for dinner.



I’m so thankful for all the support you guys give me, so I think I should ask for some right now. I don’t want to slip back, but I absolutely hate this feeling right now. I hate having ED control me because I went up a couple pounds. Part of me is scared that I’m going to keep gaining, so I think I have to restrict. And the more rational part of me is saying that with all the factors, I’m not the ‘scary’ weight I think I am and even if I was, it’s nothing to be ashamed about. I really just need to take the time to sort out my feelings in a healthy way, without turning to restriction or over-exercising.

Thanks for reading such a long post and I hope you’re all doing okay, too!

A (Painful) Waiting Game

Hey everyone! Hope your weekend was as lovely as you are J. After starting out my Monday morning with a few minutes of yoga, I was ready to start the day!

This post isn’t as bad as it sounds, trust me! But last night I experienced hunger pains that I haven’t felt in so long.

I had dinner a little later than usual, but I wasn’t starving, just a little bit hungry. I had a vegan Asian noodle bowl, a hot drink made with Soytein cappuccino protein powder and unsweetened cocoa powder and a little Truvia, and a big Honeycrisp apple. Yum! It was a normal-sized dinner for me, but an hour later, I was starving! Usually after a dinner like that, I wouldn’t get hungry til about two hours later, and that’s when I’d have my snack. Since I had had dinner late, I ended up having my snack around the usual time. I was so hungry that I scarfed down that Kashi Trail Mix bar.

Surprisingly, I was just as starving after I ate the bar. My ED thoughts started kicking in, but I shoved them aside. I promised myself that if I was still really hungry in another half an hour, I would eat another snack! Yes, I know, I can’t believe I said that. Normally, I would just deal with the hunger pains so I could shut ED up.

Half an hour came and went and…I was still as starving as before. So I poured myself a bowl of Whole Foods Honey & Oats cereal (kinda like Honey Bunches of Oats). I did measure it out to be the recommended serving size, but…I ate not one, but TWO nighttime snacks! I was so so so proud of myself for basically saying “Screw you, ED. I’m hungry, so I’m gonna eat!”

Sorry if I sound like I’m bragging, but last night was a huge slap in the face to ED. And it felt so good to respect my body’s cues. Take that, ED!

My cute lil cereal bowl (without cereal in it, of course!)

Where I Am Today

*Note: This may be triggering, just based on numbers. But it’s very positive, so read on if would just like some hope, and to know a little bit more about my story!*

It’s been almost 2 years. Almost 2 years since I went to my doctor, knowing exactly what I was going in for, but trying to deny it. Almost 2 years since my parents confronted me, and I had probably the worst day of my life, just knowing I’d let them down. Almost 2 years since I had a panic attack after eating an apple when I was “too full”.

So where am I now? In a much better place. Yes, I still struggle with always loving my body and with restricting but I’ve come so far from 2 years ago. The 16-year-old me was secretly miserable, lonely and always starving. I was 76 lbs at my lowest. 76 lbs!!! Yes, I’m only 5’1, but my BMI was only a bit above 14. Now I know that’s super-unhealthy.

My early days of recovery were full of stomachaches (from refeeding), Boost shakes and crying/screaming fests. I told my parents several times that I hated them. Now, I hate that I ever said that. My parents are my best support team.

I progressed to seeing a dietician and a therapist. They helped me a bit in my journey, but I honestly feel better without them. Maybe they were the wrong fit for me.

My weight increased (surprisingly) slowly. I was so scared of gaining 5 lbs in a day, but of course that never happened. In almost 2 years, I’ve gained 14 lbs. That number sometimes seems so HUGE to me. Yet, I now weigh 90 lbs, which is still underweight. It’s the most I’ve ever weighed, even before my anorexia, which isn’t always the case for people with EDs. It’s kinda weird that way. But according to my doctor, I’m at a good weight…for now. I’m just barely an adult, so I’m sure that as I get a little older, I’ll have to gain. It’s so scary. I already feel uncomfortable at 90—I’m scared to death of the big 1-0-0. It just seems like too much for my frame. Maybe it is. Maybe I’ll never get there. That’s okay, as long as I can maintain at a weight that is healthy for me, whether that’s a little underweight or not.

In a way, I’m still the girl I was almost 2 years ago. I still have the same interests, in journalism and fashion. I still have the same long, light brown hair and hazel eyes. I’m still 5’1. I’m still struggling with an ED daily, still underweight (but much, much healthier). But I’m stronger now, I have the help and support I need. I know I want recovery. And that’s what counts.

Fighting Back?

Brrrr! It’s very cold out there! I’m not sure where you live, but I’ve heard that most of the United States is dealing with cold temps right now. I bundled up today on my walk to class but my face almost froze off. The clear, sunny skies were very deceiving!

Lately, I’ve been feeling run-down by ED. Even when I went home last weekend, I still couldn’t completely get his voice out of my head. All I know is, it’s driving me absolutely NUTS! I want to be able to enjoy my life without ED getting in the way, and that’s not happening right now. I have enough stress with school…I don’t need this, too.

But I’m trying to fight back. I’ve been restricting a little bit these past two weeks, and as a result, I often get hungry before it’s time for my next meal. My ED tries to tell me it’s a sign of success, but I hate going to bed starving.

I just got hungry, after eating a snack of Kashi crackers and an apple around 4. I’m not planning on eating dinner for another 20-30 minutes, but my stomach was telling me otherwise. So I ignored ED’s pleas to not eat, and I ate half a banana. I know that’s small, but it’s a start. Usually, I feel horrible if I break my ‘meal plan’ but I’m starting to realize that yes, hunger pains are my body’s way of telling me to EAT SOMETHING! This may seem really obvious, but it’s hard for an anorexic to deal with. But if I want to get better and break free of the hold ED has on me, I’ve gotta start eating when my body wants me to. Even if it’s halfway between meals, I need to do it. Even if it’s just a piece of fruit, it’s nourishment and it’s a step in the right direction.

It actually feels good to look ED in the eye and say, “You know what? Get the hell out of my life!” It feels amazing to kick ED’s butt by eating. Even if it’s just a little something, I know I’m fighting my way back to good health. One extra banana at a time.



On a sorta-unrelated note, this was something brand new I tried today--and loved! It's a cranberry-orange breakfast pita with Whole Foods crunchy almond butter spread on top...yummy! It's on a paper plate cause I'm a college student and it's easier to have disposable dishes (I know how bad it is for the environment, though).

Conflicted

I am scared to write this post. It’s so frightening to get these thoughts out in writing, for anyone to see. But I have to do it to get better.

I wish it weren’t true, but my ED is trying to butt its way back into my life. And I am so mad that it is. I wanted my first few weeks back at school to go smoothly, but they haven’t.

I came back unprepared, I guess. I was surrounded for a month by love, support, happiness. Even the worst moments were nothing to really cry about. Then I got back, and I was overwhelmed. Back to a routine…but it’s harder than last semester. Back to someone I don’t like dealing with…and it hasn’t gotten any easier. Back to feeling judged for everything I do. And being far away from my lifeline of caring.

I’m sick of hearing the voice tell me I’m worthless and fat and no one will like me unless I’m skinnier. It pisses me off, to put it bluntly. I hate it. But I feel like I can’t stop it. I hate to say it, but I’ve been struggling with restricting. Not extreme, but it makes me feel crappy and scared. I want to go back to eating normally and feeling good…but how? It’s all too easy to get stuck in ED’s trap.

I’m trying my hardest to break through it, though. I know it won’t be easy, but I want to get back up and keep climbing the mountain towards recovery. I can’t let two weeks send me back into relapse. I want to get better. I have to. I can’t let this beat me again. I WON’T!!!!!!!

Beyond the Mirror

Most people with an ED see themselves very differently than the world sees them. They may look at themselves and see nothing but fat, when in reality they are just skin and bones.

I feel this way countless times looking in the mirror. Sometimes, I do like what I see but not often. I try to avoid looking at myself when I’m having a bad day, but my reflection is everywhere, from store windows to computer screens.

Even though I know that having anorexia makes me see myself as bigger than I really am, it didn’t really sink in til I started looking at myself in this one certain mirror. It’s one of those kinds of mirrors you’d hang up in a locker—a small, lime green polka-dotted magnetic mirror. When I turned it horizontal, I looked skinny. But if I turned it vertical, I would look fat. I started to really think that the vertical one was the real me. Then I looked at other objects in the mirror, and realized that when it was turned vertically, it distorted the image and made everything look wide. I realized at that moment that that was exactly how I saw myself everyday—bigger than I am. The horizontal image was the real me, not the vertical one. Mirrors do lie, but more importantly, our brains can lie to us too, especially if we have an eating disorder. It tricks us into thinking we are fat and worthless. But we’re not. We’re priceless and we DESERVE  recovery. Our ED doesn’t define us and it doesn’t deserve to be in our lives.



Truth



Big fat LIE!

 

Note: I’m not meaning for these pictures of me to be triggering to anyone, it’s just my interpretation of how the mirror can lie to us!

Who I Really Am

I know there’s a me behind the ED. I want to be that person again. Every time I overanalyze food or criticize my body, I am letting anorexia win. But I want to be the ultimate winner. I am in this to win it.

I am a girl who has a great sense of fashion. I am a good student who is committed to school. I am shy, but a loyal friend. I am a supportive big sister. I am a devoted daughter. I have big dreams for myself. I won’t let ED take those away from me. I have bad days, and good days, but I won’t let the bad ones get me down. I am emotional, but I am usually happy. THIS is me…

…not this. I am good at counting calories. I am my biggest critic. I have self-control when it comes to food. I am addicted to the mirror, but I hate what I see. I let others control me. I want to please everyone but myself. I think being skinny is better than being a nice person. I will never be thin enough. I feel a high when I restrict.

I like the real me better…



This is the real, likes-to-take-artistic-pictures-of-herself me :)