It's No Joking Matter

Hi girlies! Sorry I haven't been around lately. I honestly have had no writing inspiration at all...until today, that is.

Last night, I happened to catch part of an educational show called "Fighting Fat". It was all about obesity, as you can imagine, and they were talking about different ways to combat the issue.

The only part I really saw was an interview with one woman who'd gone through gastric bypass surgery and had lost a lot of weight. However, she still wasn't at a healthy weight and she admitted to that. I think she was a stand-up comedian, and they showed one of her shows. She joked that "luckily, I've overcome my anorexia". Everyone in the audience laughed at that, but it made my heart twinge a little. I realized at that moment that jokes about anorexia really don't make me feel good.

I never really thought about it before, probably because I've never really encountered stuff like that. But I honestly really hate when people joke about it (especially people who have never personally experienced it) or when they belittle it. Anorexia (and all eating disorders) are real diseases that affect a lot of people--not just those that have it. So in my book, making fun of it or saying "Why don't you just eat?" are not okay.

There are so many misconceptions about EDs that I could go on an on about, but all I want to say is that they ARE NOT a choice--they are a disease just like cancer and ADHD. Anorexics aren't just vain girls (and guys) that stop eating so they can look better. There are real psychological issues behind the disorder and it's time that people start realizing that.

What do you think about eating disorder jokes?

Being Honest With Myself

This is a really hard post for me to write. A lot of my recent posts have been all bubbly and happy, and part of me is like that right now. I've got most of August to look forward to before I go back to school, I had a great birthday on Wednesday and life is pretty good for me right now. But another part of me feels enslaved--to ED--and also robotic, like I'm just going through the motions of my life without really feeling anything.

I think it all started on my birthday. It started out really well, but as the day progressed, I started feeling a twinge of guilt. I woke up early, like 6, because my mom and I were going to the IKEA grand opening. So I didn't get a chance to do my normal morning workout. We ate out at Panera for lunch (I got the strawberry poppyseed salad and barely ate any of the chicken). I was exhausted by the time we got home because we'd been practically running around the store for 2 hours trying to find the things we wanted to buy. So I only ended up doing 10 minutes of a cardio circuit and 10 minutes of yoga. Then my dad got home and we all went out to eat at Pei Wei. I got my usual Vietnamese chicken salad rolls, and ate two out of 3 of them, but also some edamame and some of my dad's brown rice and peanuts. And then later at home, we had some birthday gelato and I got a little bit extra. I felt horribly horribly fat and guilty. But come on, it was my birthday. I have the right to indulge, and they weren't even big indulgences. But I still felt bad.

Since then, I've been feeling like I'm eating more, even though I'm not really. I mentally beat myself up if I eat a few extra pieces of cereal or some raisins. I even restricted yesterday on purpose by only having some fruit at snack. I know I should be fueling myself more, especially since I played an hour of tennis yesterday, but I just can't. It feels...good to give in to ED. I feel like I'm strong and in control when really, I'm slipping, slowly but surely. I don't think I'm losing weight (I haven't weighed myself in a month I think) but that might be an ED trick. I noticed this week that I had a slightly lighter period than usual, but I didn't really think much about it. I'm on birth control, so I don't know if minor weight loss or undernourishment can cause changes in menstruation.

I think I'm giving in to ED because my recovery seems to be going no where. I still exercise on a daily basis, always at least 40 minutes. My calf has been hurting a lot lately, but I ignore the pain. The thing is, exercising isn't even that fun anymore. I feel like a robot programmed to do it every day, but I'm getting burned out.

I've been doing okay body-image wise. Not the best, but not too bad either. I've been feeling for a long time that if I could just lose 5 or so pounds, I would be a lot happier about how I look. I mean, I weighed that much for at least two years prior to ED. Why isn't it an okay weight now? I know that my BMI would be at 16 if I lost only a few pounds (BMI is stupid, but still), but I just feel so uncomfortable where I am right now. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I was at a healthy weight, even at the very low end of the scale.

So honestly, I don't even know where my recovery is going right now. I'm still eating fairly normally, but I sometimes worry that my metabolism is slow because I don't eat 1800 calories or whatever it is that's supposed to be a healthy number for maintenance. I don't think I could ever eat that much food. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near a dangerous level but I'm wondering if all this exercise plus not quite enough fuel is slowing down my metabolism. I really just don't know. Here's the thing: I definitely don't want to give up all the progress I've made over 2 years, but I'm scared to let go of ED. So it's a balancing act, and I don't know which side will win out...

Have you ever had to be honest with yourself about something that's hard to face?

A Wakeup Call

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, I've gotten busy and it sorta slipped my mind. Don't worry, I'm still here and I've still been reading and commenting on all your lovely blogs.

Today I've got my second vlog for you all. This one is definitely more serious than my first one but I hope it speaks to you in some way. I was inspired to be honest by Jess's recent vlog. I thought the best way to tell you how I'm feeling is through a vlog, so here goes! If you are unable to watch it, it's basically about my struggles with body dysmorphia. If you have any advice, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!

I'm Lucky. Period!

Sorry about the bad pun, guys! I just thought it would lighten the mood because I want to bring up a topic that is pretty important in the recovery blog world. And of course, I’m talking about getting your period back.

I’ve read a lot of posts on various blogs discussing this, and basically what I’ve concluded is that it’s different for everyone, just like everything else is. Some get theirs back at a fairly low, or even underweight BMI, while others are within the healthy range and still don’t. Some wait several months or even years for theirs to return, and others wait only a few months.

I’ve always felt a little left out when it comes to this topic. I was a ‘late bloomer’, so basically, I didn’t EVER get my period before my ED (or of course when I was deep within it). In fact, I went 17 years of my life without having stomach cramps or having to use a tampon. Some people might say I’m lucky, and I guess in some ways I am. I’ve only had my period for a little over a year, thanks to birth control, and because of that, they are considerably lighter and more regulated than they would be naturally (I’m guessing). But as you can imagine, I felt really awkward throughout middle and most of high school when probably almost every other girl had theirs and I didn’t. I felt like kind of a freak, but most of the time, it didn’t bug me because I felt ‘lucky’ to not have to deal with all of it.

So of course, it kind of scared me when my ex-therapist suggested (no, actually DEMANDED) that I start taking birth control to jumpstart my periods. She was mostly just concerned that I would be at risk for osteoporosis, since I had never gotten my period, and most women do before they’re 16 or 17. My doctor agreed, so my mom got the prescription, and told me that I should start taking them after I was finished performing in a variety show at my school (since she didn’t want it to be an issue during the performances). Well…I didn’t start taking them until January 2010, about 4 months after the show was over. Why? Because I was scared of the side effects, especially the possible weight gain. But my parents practically forced me, and I started taking them. Luckily, they weren’t as bad as I thought they’d be, plus I noticed no adverse side effects (no weight gain!) And as a bonus, they got rid of my acne, which was great! The only bad part was getting used to having a period. It was just so strange, since my sister had gotten hers naturally about 6 months before me, and she’s 3 1/2 years younger than me! But as I was saying, everyone’s different. And honestly, I do feel lucky to finally have my period, even if it is because of BC, and I feel even luckier that mine is relatively light and consistent. Everyone’s different, and some people, like me, just need a little extra help getting theirs. And there’s nothing wrong with that!

Q’s: Do you have your period back? If so, how long did it take to return? If not, why do you want yours back (health reasons, want to have kids, etc.)

*Hopefully this post wasn’t too awkward (if any guys were reading, LOL). I just wanted to share my views and personal story on this important topic.

Is Maintaining Harder than Gaining?!?!?!

Hey! I’m so glad to hear you like the new name and thanks for the comments on my picture—they really made my day :D

So my question of the day is…do you think it’s harder to maintain than to gain? I certainly think that it can be. When you first start out gaining weight, it can be so tough to put yourself in the mindset of “I’m gaining so I can be healthier.” That’s the hard part of gaining. Also, after starving yourself for so long (with anorexia, of course), your metabolism actually slows down during the starvation process. When you start eating normally again, it revs back up again and it can be hard to make any gains. This is why most people, in the early refeeding process, have to eat SO much—if they just ate a normal amount, it wouldn’t be enough.

At some point, you’ll probably reach your “goal” weight. Personally, I don’t think this should be a specific number, but a range of numbers that you can fall between and still be healthy. Your range may be high or low, small or large, depending on your body frame and other aspects. When you reach this area, you’ll probably be at a safe place where you can maintain this weight.

This is where it gets really hard. You might not know how much you actually have to eat to maintain, instead of gaining or losing. Not that it’s bad to keep gaining, but if you’re at a healthy weight, you may not want to gain any more. You might have to eat a little less than you were when you were gaining to stay at a stable weight. You may be allowed to exercise again, and this can throw things out of whack. If you exercise more, you generally should eat more to compensate.

Or maybe you keep eating your normal amount and you maintain for a while, but then all of a sudden, you slip back. This has happened to me so many times during my journey so far and each time, it’s kinda scary. I know I don’t want to go back to my ED, but I’m scared to eat more and gain “too much” weight. Usually, the changes are very, very small, like a pound. But it’s still a sticky situation to be in.

It really is hard to maintain at one specific weight. This is why I think it’s helpful to have a range to fall into. If you slip a little, but it’s still within the range, be more careful with eating but don’t freak out and beat yourself up about it. Everyone has fluctuations all the time, so I think it’s best to weigh yourself once a week at most at the same time of day, so there’s fewer errors. Keep in mind that clothes add a pound or two, so don’t worry if you’re up a couple of pounds.

Most of all remember: You are more than just a number on a scale. Don’t let that number, whatever it may be, define you, or what kind of day you might have. If you’re up or down, don’t let it ruin your whole day. And definitely don’t let it screw up your recovery journey. Because you are worth so much more than that!



I love snow when I'm stuck at home (like this!) but I don't like it so much when I have to walk to classes in it, plus my dorm is soooooooo cold :(