Back-to-School Blues & Hunger Cues

So my sophomore year starts tomorrow, and I can't believe where the summer's gone. I'm kind of sad it's almost over, but also excited to start the new school year fresh. I'm really hoping it'll be a lot better than last year. I liked last year, but I wasn't on the best of terms with my freshman year roommate and it kind of soured my experience. This year, I'm still in the dorms, but in a much nicer and newer building (with air conditioning!) and I have a room to myself. I do have to share a bathroom with 2 other girls, so I'm really hoping we hit it off or at least have a better relationship than my ex-roomie and I had. So far, they and a lot of other people (including guys!) on my floor seem really nice so I'm hoping everything goes well.

Move-in weekend was a lot smoother than last year for sure. My dad and I drove up Friday morning, grabbed lunch at Qdoba and then got to unloading the car. We took several trips up and down three flights of stairs and the elevator, but we got all of it in. My mom and sister drove up later and we unloaded the rest of the stuff and then headed over to the hotel we were staying at over the weekend. Then we got some dinner at one of my favorite places, Mad Greens. I've gotta admit, I've been kind of restricting a lot this weekend, not necessarily on purpose but my hunger has been out of whack since Saturday and it's freaking me out. Now I think it's back, but I still feel that pull towards continuing restricting so I'm not sure how that's going to go down this week, especially with all the stressage from new classes. I ended up getting a salad with baby greens, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, cannellini beans and tofu and I really just did not like the taste of it, so I barely ate any of it. But I did steal some bites of pita from my dad's panini so at least I did eat something.



Qdoba Naked Fajita Burrito with lime rice, black beans, pico de gallo and grilled veggies


Saturday we woke up bright and early at a quarter to 9. I had a small breakfast of Bear Naked granola and green grapes, since I still wasn't hungry, but I had a little breakdown when my mom insisted that I eat the Light 'n Fit yogurt she brought up from the breakfast buffet in the lobby. I was mostly upset because it wasn't my usual organic Greek yogurt with tons of protein (this yogurt only had 3 grams!) and natural ingredients. I ate a tiny bit and then threw out the rest when she wasn't looking. I really felt sneaky, like I did back in my ED days when I'd throw my food in the trash and never got caught. But honestly, the yogurt tasted way too sweet and chemical-y for me so I couldn't eat any more of it.

After getting some things at the store (including another mini fridge so I could turn it into a makeshift freezer), we headed back to the hotel for a quick lunch. My hunger was still mostly MIA, so I just ended up having most of a 200-calorie vegan tortilla soup (delish, BTW) and some grapes. The sad thing was, I actually felt guilty for eating that much because my mom only had some crackers and hummus because she wasn't hungry, either.

The parentals left for the rest of the afternoon to go on brewery tours so my sis and I just chilled at the hotel. We went to the pool for a little bit, played around with the radio in the room and people-watched from our third-story window. Some time during the afternoon, I finally felt a little hunger pang so I had some multigrain chips that I brought along. At this point, the hunger wouldn't go away, so I had some more grapes and a little granola. Of course, I felt incredibly guilty for eating this much, even though I was hungry.

We went out to dinner at a new-to-us place called Beach House Grill. At first, I didn't think I was going to like it, but I ended up getting something I really loved. For the first time all weekend, I feel like I actually ate a decent amount, even though it was pretty low-cal: a few small pieces of grilled mahi mahi in lettuce wraps, with fruit salsa and black beans and rice on the side. I also tried some of the green salsa and it was really spicy, so I had to drink a lot of water. I ended up feeling uncomfortably full after dinner (because of all the water), so again I felt guilty. I did end up feeling hungry again later so I had a small snack of Whole Foods sandwich cookies and raisins.



Some gorgeous flowers at the CSU gardens


Today has been rough eating-wise, too. I had an okay breakfast, a salad of just greens and grapes at lunch, some delicious birthday cake and soy chocolate gelato (best thing I've had all weekend!) for a snack and then my floor went to the dining hall for dinner together and I ended up just getting a salad with carrots and a few sunflower seeds with grapes on the side. Definitely not enough fuel, considering I've been running around campus and town most of the day. I tried to make up for it by having some multigrain chips and pineapple earlier, but I know I didn't eat enough.



I think I could just live on gelato...


Right now, I'm just incredibly exhausted from the weekend and stressed out about school. The last thing I need to think about now is food...which is exactly why I'm slipping. And now that I've had this slip-up last all weekend, it's so much easier to keep giving in and eat less and less. I haven't felt the urge to restrict in a long time, but it's back again. And I don't know what to do...


What do you do to get back on track after days of eating less?

Happy Herbivore

I mentioned in this post a while back that I was seriously considering vegetarianism. I honestly think it's completely sickening how most animals are treated and on top of that, I just can't really stomach meat anymore. It doesn't appeal to me whatsoever, not even seafood as much.

This summer, my mom's kinda been on my case about my eating, which has been a little annoying but understandable. Mostly, she was just upset that I haven't really been eating meat at all lately. It's been a while since I actually ate a substantial amount of chicken or fish--if it's been part of a meal, I just kind of picked around it. But...this isn't another form of restriction. It's because I really just don't want to eat meat anymore, for ethical and personal reasons.  It just grosses me out now.

My mom talked to me a few days ago about this, and I was surprised to hear her say that a vegan diet has been shown to be helpful in eating disorder recovery. She just wants to make sure that I get enough calcium (I'm going to start taking a supplement and I'll still be eating Greek yogurt--so not fully vegan) and fats. Eating enough fat has been really hard for me during my ED and now in recovery, but now I'm going to be more committed to eating enough healthy fats.

So basically, I'm going mostly vegan. I will still have some dairy occasionally, but most of it doesn't appeal to me, besides my beloved Greek yogurt and gelato. I'm going to focus on high-quality plant proteins, such as beans, quinoa and tempeh (all things I love, BTW) and also on fats, like nuts, almond butter and avocado. This is NOT another way for me to fall back on ED, though. Eating vegetarian or mostly vegan really does make me feel my healthiest and happiest and I think eating this way could help me on the road to recovery. I will NOT allow myself to fall back into the "low fat" and "low calorie" trap again. I want to sustain this lifestyle so I can be as healthy as possible. I won't use this new way of eating disguise my anorexia or orthorexia. I really believe that this will be a challenge to me--I may have to go out of my comfort zone and try something new and "scary". But it's a challenge I'm more than willing to try!

One of my fave new veg finds is the Whole Foods hot/cold bars--I love the curried tofu quinoa salad and the maple roasted sweet potatoes!

Just a note, I'm not trying to advocate that this is a perfect lifestyle for everyone. Every person has different needs and preferences and this is just what works for me best.

What changes have you made to your eating habits that have helped you in your recovery?

Way Back Wednesday: "At 19, Everything is Possible and Tomorrow Looks Friendly."

19 years ago today, I was born in Desert Samaritan Hospital in Phoenix, AZ. I don't remember anything about that day (obviously!) except what my parents have told me--it was at the beginning of the 1992 Summer Olympics (held in Barcelona), my mom was in labor for about 36 hours before I was delivered by C-section and it was super-hot, in the 110s.

In those 19 years, I've accomplished a lot, been through a lot, probably more than I'd have ever imagined. As a little girl, I thought my life as a teenager would be carefree and easy, just like on TV shows. On my birthday every year, I dug into my cake without caring about how many calories or fat were in it. I just enjoyed the moment and didn't worry about what would happen to me in the next year. A lot has changed since then, but I'm still that innocent, fun-loving little girl at heart.

To celebrate, I decided to share 19 moments that have happened over the years that were important to me, shaped me as a person or were just fun.

[Age 1]: I learned to talk at 9 months (and haven't stopped since ;) )


8 months old (sorry about the bad photo quality--I had to take a picture of a picture!)

[Age 2]: We moved to Colorado Springs from Arizona.

14 months old

[Age 3]: I started taking dance classes--and didn't stop until I was 15!

[Age 4]: Preschool. My mom wanted to hold me back, because I was younger than most of the other kids and not as socially-mature, but my dad persuaded her to let me start kindergarten.

First dance recital

 [Age 5]: Kindergarten. On the first day, I marched off into class and didn't look back! I wish school was that easy again...

[Age 6]: I got my first think-it-through (an elementary school discipline thing) and it made me so upset that I lied to my parents (for the first time ever, I think!) about it.

[Age 7]: I started second grade at a new elementary school.



Easter! I always loved digging into my basket and devouring the candy (especially Jelly Bellies)

  [Age 8]: I met my (former) best friend, Jenna. We were inseperable until high school.

[Age 9]: I fractured my right ankle and had to be in a cast (glow-in-the-dark!) for a couple of months. I was in karate and acro dance at the time, but we never figured out exactly how I broke it. I was just disappointed that I didn't get to use crutches LOL!

[Age 10]: I started playing soccer with the YMCA in the fall (my team was the Golden Buffaloes).




I remember many camping trips when I was younger


[Age 11]: I got my ears pierced for my 11th birthday, but six months later, one of of them got infected and I ended up having to go to urgent care to get it taken out! Needless to say, I never got anything pierced after that!

[Age 12]: I started playing the tenor saxophone for my middle school band and jazz band. Yes, I used to be a band geek!

[Age 13]: I celebrated my 13th birthday with a sleepover and mall scavenger hunt with some of my friends.

[Age 14]: I started high school.




I also started a fashion blog (this was one of my first pictures for it)

 [Age 15]: I got my driver's permit, quit dance and joined the Yearbook staff.

Family vacay

[Age 16]: I got my license (and later, started recovering from my eating disorder).

[Age 17]: I graduated high school in May.



Graduation night!


[Age 18]: I started (and got through) my first year of college.

[Age 19]: Nothing yet--but I'm starting my sophomore year, I'm living on my own...who knows what may happen!



Ready to take on the world (at almost 19)!

What is one of your favorite birthday memories?

I Suck At Moderation

Hi guys, sorry I've been MIA over here lately. I could say it's because I'm really busy or because I'm having lots of fun (both true) but the real reason is because I've been having such a hard time coming up with a topic to post on. But today I finally have one, and it's about moderation.


On the Today Show this morning, there was this little bit about how everything in moderation is really good for you. I wasn't really watching it, but my mom started talking to me and my sister (I have a feeling she was talking more to me...) about this thing she saw about this woman whose doctor told her that she could eat everything she wanted to, only in small portions, to lose weight. Apparently, it worked for her. Then I started thinking about how moderation and I do not get along. At all. I mean, having an eating disorder, by definition, is the opposite of moderation. For me, it means restriction, avoiding foods I deem unhealthy and feeling like I have to exercise every single day.


I feel like moderation is something that works for some people, but not for me! That is probably another stupid lie ED is feeding me, but that's how I feel. I think that if I eat some ice cream, or real French fries--even in a normal, or small amount--that I will become HUGE and I'll love the food so much that I'll have it on a regular basis, and that would be bad. Logically, that's probably not true, but I've become so attached to eating as healthily as possible that it's really hard to let it go. Honestly, I don't think anything's wrong with the way I eat now but some people might view it as restrictive. I eat organic whenever possible and I look for foods that give me a lot of bang for my nutritional buck--things like rolled oats, fruits & veggies, unsweetened soy milk, sprouted grain tortillas, Pure bars, beans and almond butter. None of those things are bad at all, but the problem is that I cut out other things to make room for those things. For instance, now I refuse to drink cow's milk (even skim) or eat corn tortillas, just because at one point I deemed those "less than healthy". There's nothing wrong with eating healthy, as long as it doesn't go too far. It did for me, and now I still struggle with orthorexia. However, I have to admit that eating healthy actually does make me feel a lot better, but I wish I could do it in a way that's balanced, not restrictive.






Fruit is great, but you shouldn't eliminate other things to eat it

 I've talked about my recent addiction to exercise. Everyone knows that being active is a good thing, but what about if you can't go a day without it? What if you feel guilty for only working out for 45 minutes when you could have gone at least an hour? What if you feel like you have to exercise in order to eat a normal amount? That's when I think exercise has become an unhealthy obsession. I'd like moderation in this area of my life too.






I'd like to workout when I want to

 Basically, right now I really suck at moderation. I'm so much better with not restricting the amount I eat (though I still deal with that, too) but I'm having such a hard time letting go of my rigid food rules and exercise schedule.


Do you "suck" at moderation, too?

The Comparison Trap

Recovery from an eating disorder is rough, but there's no doubt that it's also a learning experience. As we progress, we learn new things about ourselves that ED covered up and we also discover our strengths and weaknesses. Through my personal journey, I'm realizing that I do have things to offer the world and that I'm not afraid to share my emotions when the time is right. However, I recognize that I still struggle with comparing myself to others, whether it's with food, appearance or just success in life.

Growing up with a younger sister, my life always seemed to be a competition. When I was younger, I had to 'compete' for attention from my parents. I had to learn to be a big sister, and remember that I was not an only child anymore. Later on, when we both started developing interests, we competed against each other to see who could be the 'best'. It didn't help that for awhile we were both involved in a lot of the same things, like dance and acting, so it seemed like one of us would always come out ahead. It was the same with school. I'm four grades ahead of my sister, but I always felt inadequate and stupid when my sister would come home with straight A's and I'd have a mix of A's and B's. Sometimes I still feel competitive but I try to remind myself that we're each great in our own ways and there's no point in trying to be 'better' than the other one.



Me and my sister at a competitive age (I'm on the right)

 With my eating disorder, I still struggle with comparing myself to other people. I'll see a girl at the store about my height and instantly think I'm fatter than her. Even though comparing yourself to others is never a good thing, it's better if you're at least comparing yourself to someone similar. Most of the time I compare myself to these random girls, I'm 99% positive that they're a few years younger than me. ED says "Yeah, they might be younger than you but they're the same height as you and they're skinnier." But really, why am I wasting my time comparing my body to someone's who may not have even gone through puberty yet? I'm an adult woman in college, I don't need to look like a little girl. I'm naturally petite but that doesn't mean I have to look like I'm still in middle school.



I like to take dorky pics of myself and that's okay ;)

 I also compare what I eat to what others eat. Sometimes, I check out healthy living blogs and while a lot of them are very positive and show a healthy mix of eating and exercise (like Carrie's and Megan's), some of them aren't. I see what they eat and think I can do the same. I feel guilty for not eating as 'cleanly' as some of them do. I eat pretty healthily-- mini Clif bars and organic froyo are my 'junk food' (just to clarify, I'm not saying that I think it's bad if people choose to eat more processed foods, it's just my personal preference not to)--but I feel bad when I see some of these people doing sugar free challenges because even though I don't eat white sugar, I still have a big sweet tooth. One thing I have learned: everyone's different, what works for one person won't necessarily work for you. It's okay to get recipe inspiration or whatever, but don't try to copy everything someone else eats. Just do what feels right for you, whether it's veganism, meat-eating, intuitive eating, meal planning or whatever. Stop the comparison game, and you'll feel so much better!



I've found what works for me: seafood/fish every so often, veggies and LOTS of fruit...



...with some yummy gelato once in awhile :)

 Q's: Have you ever compared what you eat to what others eat? What about body comparison?

Dear Ashley...

Dear Ashley,

        Right now, you’re struggling with ‘feeling fat’. You know deep down that fat isn’t a feeling, but you can’t help picking out your flaws every time you pass a mirror. You can’t help comparing your meals to others. You can’t help feeling like a pig when you eat a snack in class or when your roommate’s around. You can’t wait to go home for the summer in two weeks, but you also dread it because then you can’t get away with measuring your food. You long to step on the scale again (in secret, of course) but you fear seeing the number. Anything over 90 or 91 would be devastating. But you know what? You are committed to beating this. Even though there’s a small part of you that wants to lose five pounds, a much bigger part of you knows it will derail your success. Even though you think you look fat, your mom just told you that your legs look too skinny. Even though you don’t think you deserve help, she’s worried about you relapsing. Even though ED tells you that crackers, and apple and a Pure bar are a sufficient and “normal” lunch, they aren’t. Even though the disordered part of you screams at you to run, your foot hurts even when you walk. Even though you feel incredibly guilty for not giving in to ED, it’s for the very best. Everyone who cares for you wants the best for your life, and anorexia is just the opposite. Remember that you are worth recovery and you should be proud of how far you’ve come.

With Love, Ashley

P.S. Don't ever doubt that you're beautiful!

*No questions tonight, but I encourage you to write a letter to yourself if you’re struggling or just need a little boost! I think it really helps me to just get the words out there and be honest with myself.

Spring Break Part 3

Happy Saturday, everyone! It’s finally sunny here and warmer than yesterday which makes me really happy. I can’t wait to get outside and enjoy the nice fresh air.

The last few days have been pretty busy, but really good, for me. Thursday was the last day I had the house to myself for a few hours, so I got the opportunity to do some yoga outside on my deck. I’ve never done it outside, and I think I’ll definitely have to do it again sometime soon because it was even better than doing it inside. But, I noticed when I was out that it smelled really strongly like a campfire. I checked Facebook and the local news station had posted that there was a fire less than 5 miles from my house! I’m used to there being fires a lot, because I live in a really dry state and we get forest and grass fires a lot, but it was still really scary. Luckily, only a barn was destroyed in the fire.



Before the hair cut



My lovely St. Patty's Day outfit

I also got my hair cut on Thursday night. Nothing too drastic, just a trim and I got my bangs cut so they’re more side-swept. I like my hair so much now because my bangs are more noticeable.

Yesterday was soooooo much fun! My dad took a day off of work so we could go up to Denver. We went to the aquarium first, and I loved seeing all the fish and birds. I’ve only been to a few aquariums, but I think this one is my favorite, because they have lots of things, like a flash flood simulator (you get really wet!), people scuba diving with sharks and an area where you can touch and feed stingrays. I had a lot of fun and took tons of pictures.



Really cool urchin-type thing



It's Dory!!!!!!



Afterwards, we went to my favorite gelato place. Unfortunately, I didn’t take any pictures, but it was half raspberry, half soy chocolate gelato and it was AMAZING! Chocolate and raspberry is my favorite flavor combo ever!



Jellyfish (not gelato lol)

Then we drove to my favorite Denver mall so I could do a little shopping. My sister and I went off on our own to our favorite stores. My sis didn’t end up buying anything because she didn’t have any money, but I did! I ended up getting a floral dress from Hollister and some pink leather sandals from American Eagle. I can’t wait for the weather to warm up a little bit more so I can wear them!


I love anything floral



And of course, anything pink!

After the mall, we got dinner at a Thai place nearby. I’m not a huge fan of most Thai food, because I really hate coconut, but I ended up getting the shrimp spring rolls, which were okay. It was basically just a rice paper wrapper with rice noodles, mint and a tiny bit of shrimp. They were pretty flavorless, but “safe” for my ED. I also had some edamame. Once we got back home, I was really hungry, but it was 10 o’ clock, so I felt uncomfortable eating then. My ED voice was really strong, so I skipped a snack (even though I probably needed one) and ended up doing more yoga before I watched the Tonight Show with my family. ED was happy, but I wasn’t. I’m so sick of letting him control my life lately. It’s really getting old. I’ve been getting along with my parents so much better, but ED keeps butting back into my life telling me I’m so fat and ugly, blah blah blah. I hope that I can go back to eating a normal amount when I return to school, but it’s going to be really hard. Since no one will be around to watch what I eat, I’m afraid I’m just going to give in to ED and not eat very much. But I’m going to try my very hardest to fight back.

I’m about to go play tennis with my dad and sister again—I can’t wait! We might go get Starbucks or gelato (again!) afterwards so wish me luck that I can decide to get something substantial afterwards to fuel my workout. Have a great Saturday, ladies J

My view doing yoga outside

Dishin' The Dirt

I loved hearing all your “food failure” stories! They were very entertaining, and I’m very lucky that I haven’t had too many horrible fails.

Today’s post is going to be a little deep, but don’t let that turn you away. I hope it’s insightful to you in your own journeys as well.

Obviously, if you’ve read my blog for some time, you’ll know that I’m in recovery for anorexia. What you might not know is that I also am orthorexic. According to Wikipedia, someone who has orthorexia is obsessed on eating healthily, but to the extreme. While it may seem similar to anorexia, it’s not quite the same. It can also lead to severe starvation and even death, but an orthorexic person is mostly focused on certain “unhealthy” aspects of food and they cut those out completely from their diet. It may seem healthy and normal at first, but it can get out of control.

It is not medically-recognized, which means that it’s most likely a self-diagnosis. But my parents have discussed this with my doctor and she mostly agreed that I also have orthorexic tendencies.

That’s how my ED started out—trying to eat healthier. I had a nutrition class in my freshman year of high school, and I learned a lot about eating well. I learned that saturated fats are “bad” and everything should be eaten in moderation. Not bad advice, but that’s when I started eliminating some things. I started seeking out snacks that were really low in fat, like rice cakes and fat-free cookies, and I began to study the nutrition labels. I wanted to be healthy, not like I wasn’t already, but I thought I could improve.

From there, it just got worse. In November of 2008, I began to think of myself as “fat” for some reason. I have no idea why, because I was literally only 85 pounds at 5’1, which is already underweight. So I began ramping up the restriction, and from there it became full-blown anorexia. No longer was I just trying to eat healthier, but I was consciously trying to lose weight.

I was even more concerned about calories, and saturated fat especially. I tried to avoid it as much as possible; I think at one point I only allowed myself up to half a gram a day, which is pretty much impossible. That’s the thing with orthorexia—it starts out pretty harmless, but once you get fixated on one thing, such as fat, it begins to control your life and your food intake becomes restricted because you cut out more and more “unhealthy” things. And I honestly felt superior to all the people at my school who ate pizza, burgers, even stuff like pretzels and crackers.

Unlike many people with anorexia, I never went a day without eating. Towards the end, I was probably eating only 600-800 calories a day, little to no fat but I still ate 3 meals a day, plus the occasional snack of an apple or sugar-free Jell-O. I was seriously sick, but I didn’t see it. I thought eating just a little white rice and black beans for dinner was perfectly OK, because it was healthy, it wasn’t full of fat, and it was pretty nutritious.

I still didn’t quite see how I was so sick, even when I only weighed in the mid-70s. I was a skeleton, but I thought I was great, because I was eating so “healthy”. But in reality, I was missing out on so much nutrition.

I have gotten better with my restriction mostly. I do struggle with it, but it’s no longer a daily battle. What I deal with a lot still is my orthorexia. I still check the fat content of recipes before I decide to make them. I avoid high-fructose corn syrup completely. I try to keep my saturated fat intake below 2 grams every day. And that is really hard to do. There are a lot of perfectly-healthy things I’d love to try, like Luna bars, but I don’t because the saturated fat content of each bar is over my daily allotment. When I eat Clif bars (which I love, by the way), I usually split them in half so I don’t end up with too much fat for the day. But I am proud to say that I had my second full Clif bar today—meaning I ate an entire one at one time! And no, it didn’t kill me or make me fat! Slowly but surely, I’ll beat my orthorexia, too.



Empty Clif wrapper--yay, I did it! It's one of my favorite flavors :)



Q’s: Do you have any orthorexic tendencies? Do you like Clif bars? If you do, what’s your favorite flavor?

Where I Am Today

*Note: This may be triggering, just based on numbers. But it’s very positive, so read on if would just like some hope, and to know a little bit more about my story!*

It’s been almost 2 years. Almost 2 years since I went to my doctor, knowing exactly what I was going in for, but trying to deny it. Almost 2 years since my parents confronted me, and I had probably the worst day of my life, just knowing I’d let them down. Almost 2 years since I had a panic attack after eating an apple when I was “too full”.

So where am I now? In a much better place. Yes, I still struggle with always loving my body and with restricting but I’ve come so far from 2 years ago. The 16-year-old me was secretly miserable, lonely and always starving. I was 76 lbs at my lowest. 76 lbs!!! Yes, I’m only 5’1, but my BMI was only a bit above 14. Now I know that’s super-unhealthy.

My early days of recovery were full of stomachaches (from refeeding), Boost shakes and crying/screaming fests. I told my parents several times that I hated them. Now, I hate that I ever said that. My parents are my best support team.

I progressed to seeing a dietician and a therapist. They helped me a bit in my journey, but I honestly feel better without them. Maybe they were the wrong fit for me.

My weight increased (surprisingly) slowly. I was so scared of gaining 5 lbs in a day, but of course that never happened. In almost 2 years, I’ve gained 14 lbs. That number sometimes seems so HUGE to me. Yet, I now weigh 90 lbs, which is still underweight. It’s the most I’ve ever weighed, even before my anorexia, which isn’t always the case for people with EDs. It’s kinda weird that way. But according to my doctor, I’m at a good weight…for now. I’m just barely an adult, so I’m sure that as I get a little older, I’ll have to gain. It’s so scary. I already feel uncomfortable at 90—I’m scared to death of the big 1-0-0. It just seems like too much for my frame. Maybe it is. Maybe I’ll never get there. That’s okay, as long as I can maintain at a weight that is healthy for me, whether that’s a little underweight or not.

In a way, I’m still the girl I was almost 2 years ago. I still have the same interests, in journalism and fashion. I still have the same long, light brown hair and hazel eyes. I’m still 5’1. I’m still struggling with an ED daily, still underweight (but much, much healthier). But I’m stronger now, I have the help and support I need. I know I want recovery. And that’s what counts.

Fighting Back?

Brrrr! It’s very cold out there! I’m not sure where you live, but I’ve heard that most of the United States is dealing with cold temps right now. I bundled up today on my walk to class but my face almost froze off. The clear, sunny skies were very deceiving!

Lately, I’ve been feeling run-down by ED. Even when I went home last weekend, I still couldn’t completely get his voice out of my head. All I know is, it’s driving me absolutely NUTS! I want to be able to enjoy my life without ED getting in the way, and that’s not happening right now. I have enough stress with school…I don’t need this, too.

But I’m trying to fight back. I’ve been restricting a little bit these past two weeks, and as a result, I often get hungry before it’s time for my next meal. My ED tries to tell me it’s a sign of success, but I hate going to bed starving.

I just got hungry, after eating a snack of Kashi crackers and an apple around 4. I’m not planning on eating dinner for another 20-30 minutes, but my stomach was telling me otherwise. So I ignored ED’s pleas to not eat, and I ate half a banana. I know that’s small, but it’s a start. Usually, I feel horrible if I break my ‘meal plan’ but I’m starting to realize that yes, hunger pains are my body’s way of telling me to EAT SOMETHING! This may seem really obvious, but it’s hard for an anorexic to deal with. But if I want to get better and break free of the hold ED has on me, I’ve gotta start eating when my body wants me to. Even if it’s halfway between meals, I need to do it. Even if it’s just a piece of fruit, it’s nourishment and it’s a step in the right direction.

It actually feels good to look ED in the eye and say, “You know what? Get the hell out of my life!” It feels amazing to kick ED’s butt by eating. Even if it’s just a little something, I know I’m fighting my way back to good health. One extra banana at a time.



On a sorta-unrelated note, this was something brand new I tried today--and loved! It's a cranberry-orange breakfast pita with Whole Foods crunchy almond butter spread on top...yummy! It's on a paper plate cause I'm a college student and it's easier to have disposable dishes (I know how bad it is for the environment, though).

Better Days Ahead

Sorry for the downer post yesterday! I just wanted to get my feelings out there, and while I like to stay positive most of the time, sometimes you just have to say what needs to be said. I'm definitely feeling a lot better about everything today--maybe because it's my half birthday today! This post will be very positive, promise J

I am very excited for this weekend. I’m going home to see my family! It’s only been 11 days since I’ve seen them, but going back to school after a month off for Christmas was a rough transition. I feel like my family is my rock, my support through everything, so I definitely enjoy going back down to see them. I usually go back every other weekend, but I don’t get to spend much time at home, since I don’t get back usually until Friday evening and then I have to leave on Sunday afternoon. But I enjoy every second I have with them, since I don’t see them all that often. Being away at college has definitely made me appreciate them more, and I’m so grateful to have such a great family.

I’m excited to make dinner this weekend. I love cooking, but now I hardly get to do any real cooking since I’m in a dorm. It’s gonna be fun getting back in the kitchen to make something yummy for my family.

I might end up going to Starbucks or a gelato place, too, which is fun. I feel like with my disordered thoughts, I don’t allow myself treats much and I think that after what I’ve been through these past two weeks, I DESERVE a treat. Take that, ED!

I can’t wait to see my sister again. We have a really close relationship, even though I’m usually miles away from her. She might end up being pretty busy this weekend, but I will enjoy every moment I do get to spend with her.

I’m more than ready for a break from my thoughts. I think that when I’m home, away from all the stress at school, I can focus more on living and recovering, without it being a daily struggle. I still want to be at the school I’m at, because I’m so excited to start my career, but I know that for me, I need the support I get at home every once in a while. It makes me stronger.

I’m ready for this weekend to start…I’m ready to start back on the road to recovery and this time, I’m gonna stick to it!

Toxic People

I try to surround myself with positive people. Who wants to be around someone who’s negative all the time? Unfortunately, though, we can’t always choose who we are around.

I really can’t stand my roommate. At the end of last semester, I was so fed up with her lack of communication that I talked with my RA about it. But the problem didn’t really get resolved. Now my roommate will talk to me when I talk to her, but I still don’t like her. She makes the room smell, her side is a big mess and she doesn’t leave the room very much. Sometimes, I just want the room all to myself, and I can’t. I have classes for pretty much all afternoon three times a week, and I’d like to come back to an empty room where I can just chill and relax. Doesn’t happen. If she’s not in class or having a meal, she’s in here. Grr. I never get a weekend here to myself because she never goes home, despite living only 30 miles away, compared to my 200 mile round trip.

Early on, I used to go to dinner with her because I didn’t know anyone else all that well. I don’t know why I ever did. She regularly commented on how little I was eating—little compared to her—and why I ate so healthy. She acted like she was superior for being a vegetarian, but that just meant she could eat unlimited French fries and cheese pizza. Well, she doesn’t know about my anorexia, nor does she need to know. I don’t like her at all, so why should I tell her something so important and private about me? As I’ve mentioned before, she also brags about being skinny occasionally and it just makes me mad.

I’m rarely happy when I’m in the room with her. I’m usually secretly seething in anger and trying to avoid even catching a glimpse of her. I’m not sure why, but just seeing her makes me mad. I guess because of our tense relationship. This anger just fuels my ED and makes me feel like I can’t control anything but my food. So I do, and I end up regretting it.

This is why I try to eat in my room alone. I feel awkward and annoyed being around her, so why complicate my already weird food problems by eating when she’s around? I feel like I do better when I’m alone and I can listen to music and just chill and focus on how good the food is. Or when I’m at home, surrounded by people who love me and who don’t judge me. They know I have an ED and they’re there to support me. Not my roommate. I want out of this relationship, now! I didn’t ask for this…

Who I Really Am

I know there’s a me behind the ED. I want to be that person again. Every time I overanalyze food or criticize my body, I am letting anorexia win. But I want to be the ultimate winner. I am in this to win it.

I am a girl who has a great sense of fashion. I am a good student who is committed to school. I am shy, but a loyal friend. I am a supportive big sister. I am a devoted daughter. I have big dreams for myself. I won’t let ED take those away from me. I have bad days, and good days, but I won’t let the bad ones get me down. I am emotional, but I am usually happy. THIS is me…

…not this. I am good at counting calories. I am my biggest critic. I have self-control when it comes to food. I am addicted to the mirror, but I hate what I see. I let others control me. I want to please everyone but myself. I think being skinny is better than being a nice person. I will never be thin enough. I feel a high when I restrict.

I like the real me better…



This is the real, likes-to-take-artistic-pictures-of-herself me :)



Stepping out of My Shadow

If you haven't read My Story yet, I'll fill you in on the basics. I am an 18-year-old girl who started college in the fall of 2010 and I have anorexia. I was "diagnosed" with it in March of 2009 and have been slowly recovering ever since. My weight has fluctuated a bit, but remains steady around 90 lbs (I am 5'1). At my lowest point, I was a 16-year-old, lost and confused, weighing 76 lbs and restricting my calories to about 700-800 per day. I was constantly cold, tired and hungry. But I still felt fat and unloved, despite my close relationship with my family. I felt cut off from the world, but my ED made me feel stronger...or so I thought.
I have dealt with a nutritionist, therapist and a pediatrician and I've come out of the experience ready to make peace with myself and my body. I still struggle with eating disordered thoughts, I am somewhat orthorexic (I try to only eat healthy, low-fat things) and of course, I still don't like my body most days. But everyday, I keep pushing up the long hill towards recovery. I don't want to slip back down again. I'm ready to step out of the shadow that I was and let my life shine.