So Ready to be Done

Happy Sunday, girlies! I hope you’ve had an amazing weekend, and if you have final exams coming up that you’re not too stressed. I’m just starting to feel the stress and I know it will get worse by next weekend :/

If you couldn’t already tell by the title of my post, I’m so ready to be done with school! This year has gone by really fast, which is sort of scary but also exciting. I can’t wait to be a sophomore in college and start taking classes beyond the boring basic requirements. I’m also really glad that this year’s gone by fast, because of my roommate situation. I won’t go too much into it, I did talk about it in this post if you want some background, but basically she is inconsiderate and kind of unsocial. Now, I’m not the most outgoing person in the world, but I do sometimes randomly start up a conversation with someone I barely know and I’m not generally anxious in social situations. In my opinion, it shouldn’t be that hard to talk to your roommate, especially after an entire school year, but that’s just me. I’m honestly sick and tired of being the one to always start conversations with her that really end up nowhere anyway. It just feels incredibly awkward to me to live with someone and go for days without saying anything to them. I know that if that happened at home, my parents would ask what’s wrong with me! Seriously, all four of us love to talk so it’s pretty much never quiet, which I love. But anyways, I have my last week of classes this week and then finals next week and I’m done by Thursday evening! I’m so excited for summer but I’m not really excited to move all my stuff out of my dorm! That’s gonna be a huge project haha.

The dress I wore a week ago for Easter...except I had to wear a sweater too because it SNOWED :/

But the title of my post also refers to my ‘relationship’ with ED at the moment. Lately, I’ve been really struggling to see my body in a positive light. I haven’t had a full day where I thought I looked awesome, or even alright, in a looooooong time. Sure there are definitely moments where I look at myself and think, “Yeah, I look good!” but they don’t last and it’s making me mad. Today, it’s a little chillier than it has been so I put on some jeans, and I haven’t worn jeans in a few weeks, and this particular pair in over a month. They’ve always been snug, not slouchy like my boyfriend jeans, but they fit. I’ve usually felt a little uncomfortable in them, because I’m not used to how jeans should fit, but the feeling usually goes away after wearing them for a little bit. Today I feel like they are fitting me tighter than ever (though it’s probably ED talking) and I’ve felt so guilty every time I’ve eaten so far. I really hate how my perception of how clothes fit is so screwed up, and how it really gets to me. In fact, I felt compelled by ED to go for a walk around campus today, even though I usually wouldn’t on the weekend, since barely anyone is out and it feels creepy. In a way, I’m glad I did, because there were some other people out, but not so many that it seemed crowded, and I got some time to think. But most of those thoughts were about how fat I feel. I walked for a little more than half an hour, which is a decent amount, but of course it wasn’t enough for ED. Well, screw him! I just want him out of my life. I want to be able to focus on my finals, and then enjoying my summer, without him getting in the way. I’m so ready to be done with ED!

This picture is to piss ED off, because he said I look too fat in it but I think I look cute :)

Q: What are you most excited about this summer?

"Baby, I Was Born This Way"

In case you’re not a fan of Lady Gaga (which clearly I am!), the title of today’s post comes from her brand new single, “Born This Way”. Like all her songs, it’s super-catchy and upbeat. But it has an amazing message that I think is very important for all of us, but especially those of us struggling with/recovering from EDs to hear.

If you haven’t heard it yet, check out the video below. I’m just gonna share a few very inspirational lyrics here:

“There’s nothin’ wrong with lovin’ who you are”/She said. “Cause He made you perfect, babe.”

I’m beautiful in my way, / ‘Cause God makes no mistakes/I’m on the right track, baby/I was born this way.

Don’t hide yourself in regret, /Just love yourself and you’re set/I’m on the right track, baby/I was born this way.

See, told you they were good! I really needed to hear this song today, after yesterday’s post. I’ve been feeling so down on myself for that and even before that. Why can’t I just love myself? Haven’t you ever noticed that the happiest people aren’t the prettiest or the skinniest—they’re the ones that love themselves the most. I believe self-confidence is one of the best accessories you can have. No matter what you look like, you’re meant to be that way because God doesn’t make mistakes. Everyone is beautiful in their own way! I should accept myself and my body just the way it is—not the way my ED thinks it should be.

I’m choosing to be happy and healthy…how about you?

Fighting Back?

Brrrr! It’s very cold out there! I’m not sure where you live, but I’ve heard that most of the United States is dealing with cold temps right now. I bundled up today on my walk to class but my face almost froze off. The clear, sunny skies were very deceiving!

Lately, I’ve been feeling run-down by ED. Even when I went home last weekend, I still couldn’t completely get his voice out of my head. All I know is, it’s driving me absolutely NUTS! I want to be able to enjoy my life without ED getting in the way, and that’s not happening right now. I have enough stress with school…I don’t need this, too.

But I’m trying to fight back. I’ve been restricting a little bit these past two weeks, and as a result, I often get hungry before it’s time for my next meal. My ED tries to tell me it’s a sign of success, but I hate going to bed starving.

I just got hungry, after eating a snack of Kashi crackers and an apple around 4. I’m not planning on eating dinner for another 20-30 minutes, but my stomach was telling me otherwise. So I ignored ED’s pleas to not eat, and I ate half a banana. I know that’s small, but it’s a start. Usually, I feel horrible if I break my ‘meal plan’ but I’m starting to realize that yes, hunger pains are my body’s way of telling me to EAT SOMETHING! This may seem really obvious, but it’s hard for an anorexic to deal with. But if I want to get better and break free of the hold ED has on me, I’ve gotta start eating when my body wants me to. Even if it’s halfway between meals, I need to do it. Even if it’s just a piece of fruit, it’s nourishment and it’s a step in the right direction.

It actually feels good to look ED in the eye and say, “You know what? Get the hell out of my life!” It feels amazing to kick ED’s butt by eating. Even if it’s just a little something, I know I’m fighting my way back to good health. One extra banana at a time.



On a sorta-unrelated note, this was something brand new I tried today--and loved! It's a cranberry-orange breakfast pita with Whole Foods crunchy almond butter spread on top...yummy! It's on a paper plate cause I'm a college student and it's easier to have disposable dishes (I know how bad it is for the environment, though).

Conflicted

I am scared to write this post. It’s so frightening to get these thoughts out in writing, for anyone to see. But I have to do it to get better.

I wish it weren’t true, but my ED is trying to butt its way back into my life. And I am so mad that it is. I wanted my first few weeks back at school to go smoothly, but they haven’t.

I came back unprepared, I guess. I was surrounded for a month by love, support, happiness. Even the worst moments were nothing to really cry about. Then I got back, and I was overwhelmed. Back to a routine…but it’s harder than last semester. Back to someone I don’t like dealing with…and it hasn’t gotten any easier. Back to feeling judged for everything I do. And being far away from my lifeline of caring.

I’m sick of hearing the voice tell me I’m worthless and fat and no one will like me unless I’m skinnier. It pisses me off, to put it bluntly. I hate it. But I feel like I can’t stop it. I hate to say it, but I’ve been struggling with restricting. Not extreme, but it makes me feel crappy and scared. I want to go back to eating normally and feeling good…but how? It’s all too easy to get stuck in ED’s trap.

I’m trying my hardest to break through it, though. I know it won’t be easy, but I want to get back up and keep climbing the mountain towards recovery. I can’t let two weeks send me back into relapse. I want to get better. I have to. I can’t let this beat me again. I WON’T!!!!!!!

Loving Your WHOLE Self

Hey everyone! I hope you’ve had a great weekend J Mine was pretty good, surprisingly busy, but I got to catch up with a friend of mine I hadn’t seen since before winter break, so that was really nice.

I have to admit that I’ve been hearing the ED voice a lot recently. I think it’s because I’m under a lot of stress with new classes starting and getting used to being back on campus. But…it SUCKS! I hate being stressed out and having to deal with my anorexia crap. So I wanted to offer a little hope to all of you, and to myself.

It’s hard for anyone to really love themselves all the time. Sure, many people are self-centered, but they do have their bad days when they beat themselves up over a mistake. I feel like having an eating disorder of any kind can intensify this self-hatred to the extreme. There are so many days I wake up and just point out all my “flaws”—then I look back on it and it makes me really sad to think that I would say all that to myself, but I keep on doing it. I think ED enjoys abusing us L

But I’m trying (really trying) to see myself for who I really am—human, which means I have issues just like everyone else, but I don’t have to let my mistakes and quirks get me down. I can embrace them and let them make me a better person.

I’ve always been on the small side for my age. So I’m no stranger to the “short” jokes—the 50^th one hurts no less than the first one, unfortunately. Luckily, it goes away for the most part in college, since most people have better stuff to talk about. I still find myself wishing I could be at least a few inches taller, but I’m trying to accept my 5’1 frame for what it is. That’s what heels are for, right? I like being petite and it makes me who I am.

I also have a young-looking face. Adults always tell me that I’ll love it when I’m older. Right now, it kinda sucks. I feel like no one takes me seriously because I look like I could still be a freshman in high school…or even a middle-schooler! But it gives me the opportunity to show off my mental and emotional maturity, and that’s what really counts.

I am a shy person by nature…well at least some people would tell you that. Anyone I’ve known for a while knows that I like to talk. I am so comfortable around my family. I can talk for hours with good friends. But put me in a room with people I barely know and I probably won’t say much. I’ll respond politely to any questions you ask, but I might not ask you many back. It’s not that I’m snotty or stand-offish; it’s just that I have a hard time thinking of conversation starters with people I don’t know.

I am also extremely emotional. I do wish I were a little stronger when it comes to criticism, but I’m not. I cry when I get into little fights with my sister. I take things too seriously and personally. However, I feel like this quality makes me a little more empathetic to others’ problems and situations.

There are too many days that I beat myself up for saying something stupid, tripping in public (I’m kind of a klutz) or just hate my body. I want there to be more days when I like what I see in the mirror and I can take all my issues and “flaws” in stride and help them make me who I really am. I hope you can take some time today to compliment yourself for something you do really well, or appreciate your quirks. You’ll feel so much better when you do.

Who I Really Am

I know there’s a me behind the ED. I want to be that person again. Every time I overanalyze food or criticize my body, I am letting anorexia win. But I want to be the ultimate winner. I am in this to win it.

I am a girl who has a great sense of fashion. I am a good student who is committed to school. I am shy, but a loyal friend. I am a supportive big sister. I am a devoted daughter. I have big dreams for myself. I won’t let ED take those away from me. I have bad days, and good days, but I won’t let the bad ones get me down. I am emotional, but I am usually happy. THIS is me…

…not this. I am good at counting calories. I am my biggest critic. I have self-control when it comes to food. I am addicted to the mirror, but I hate what I see. I let others control me. I want to please everyone but myself. I think being skinny is better than being a nice person. I will never be thin enough. I feel a high when I restrict.

I like the real me better…



This is the real, likes-to-take-artistic-pictures-of-herself me :)



"Hairspray" Inspiration

I love the 2007 movie, Hairspray. Not only are the songs catchy and make me want to dance, but I love the message it expresses: Love yourself for who you are, no matter what your body looks like, and don’t let the world tell you you can’t do anything you set your mind to.

I have the soundtrack on my iPod and while I was listening to it recently, I really got into the song, “I Know Where I’ve Been”. In the movie, it was performed by Queen Latifah, and it was a really powerful song. But before, I never really listened to the lyrics. I feel like I really heard them for the first time last night, and they actually apply to my struggle with anorexia. I’m sure it applies to others’ struggles as well. Here are the lyrics, and I highlighted the parts that I thought were most meaningful.

There's a light in the darkness
Though the night is black as my skin
There's a light burning bright showing me the way
But I know where I've been

There's a cry in distance
It's a voice that comes from deep within
There's a cry asking why
I pray the answer's up ahead, yeah
'cause I know where I've been

There's a road we've been travellin'
Lost so many on the way
But the riches will be plenty
With the price, the price we had to pay
There's a dream in the future
There's a struggle that we have yet to win
And there's pride in my heart
'cause I know where I'm going, yes I doAnd I know where I've been, yeah

There's a road we must travelThere's a promise that we must make
Oh but the riches will be plenty
Worth the risk and the chances that we take
There's a dream in the future
There's a struggle that we have yet to win
Use that pride in our hearts
To lift us up to tomorrow 'cause just to sit still would be a sin
Lord knows I know where I've been
Oh, when we win
I'll give thanks to my God
'cause I know where I've been

I actually started crying when the meaning of the words set in—it was like a light bulb had turned on and I realized that I CAN beat this awful disease. I know that not every day will be easy, but I’ve got to take a chance and dive deeper into recovery. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget those awful days when my ED was controlling my life—but honestly, I don’t think I want to. Those memories will serve as a painful reminder to me to never go down that path again. I’ve come too far to let my ED beat me to the ground and tell me I’m worthless. I’m not quite sure where I’m going yet, but I give thanks to God because I know exactly where I’ve been.