Where I Am Today

*Note: This may be triggering, just based on numbers. But it’s very positive, so read on if would just like some hope, and to know a little bit more about my story!*

It’s been almost 2 years. Almost 2 years since I went to my doctor, knowing exactly what I was going in for, but trying to deny it. Almost 2 years since my parents confronted me, and I had probably the worst day of my life, just knowing I’d let them down. Almost 2 years since I had a panic attack after eating an apple when I was “too full”.

So where am I now? In a much better place. Yes, I still struggle with always loving my body and with restricting but I’ve come so far from 2 years ago. The 16-year-old me was secretly miserable, lonely and always starving. I was 76 lbs at my lowest. 76 lbs!!! Yes, I’m only 5’1, but my BMI was only a bit above 14. Now I know that’s super-unhealthy.

My early days of recovery were full of stomachaches (from refeeding), Boost shakes and crying/screaming fests. I told my parents several times that I hated them. Now, I hate that I ever said that. My parents are my best support team.

I progressed to seeing a dietician and a therapist. They helped me a bit in my journey, but I honestly feel better without them. Maybe they were the wrong fit for me.

My weight increased (surprisingly) slowly. I was so scared of gaining 5 lbs in a day, but of course that never happened. In almost 2 years, I’ve gained 14 lbs. That number sometimes seems so HUGE to me. Yet, I now weigh 90 lbs, which is still underweight. It’s the most I’ve ever weighed, even before my anorexia, which isn’t always the case for people with EDs. It’s kinda weird that way. But according to my doctor, I’m at a good weight…for now. I’m just barely an adult, so I’m sure that as I get a little older, I’ll have to gain. It’s so scary. I already feel uncomfortable at 90—I’m scared to death of the big 1-0-0. It just seems like too much for my frame. Maybe it is. Maybe I’ll never get there. That’s okay, as long as I can maintain at a weight that is healthy for me, whether that’s a little underweight or not.

In a way, I’m still the girl I was almost 2 years ago. I still have the same interests, in journalism and fashion. I still have the same long, light brown hair and hazel eyes. I’m still 5’1. I’m still struggling with an ED daily, still underweight (but much, much healthier). But I’m stronger now, I have the help and support I need. I know I want recovery. And that’s what counts.

Scared of the Future

I’m excited about what’s to come in my life, don’t get me wrong. But I’m also scared to death. I have no clue what will happen next year, let alone tomorrow. It’s kind of dizzying to think that the only person who really knows everything that will happen to you is God…and sometimes, He likes surprises. And sometimes, I don’t like surprises.

I’m hoping my college experience as a sophomore will be a little better than it was this year as a freshman. It was really hard getting used to something so completely new and different, so next school year should be a bit easier. Hopefully, I’ll be in a better living situation and I’ll be able to handle my course load without so much stress.

I want to get my first job sometime in the near future. I’m worried about the whole interview process, but I think I’m ready to start making my own money, instead of totally relying on my parents. I’m an adult now, and I need to start getting used to it!

I want to have opportunities that will help me in my future career. Luckily, I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do…all I have to do now is figure out how I can get a head start on it now. Internships are sure to come within the next year or so. They probably won’t be fun at first, but you’ve gotta start somewhere, right?

I also want to get rid of my ED once and for all. I’m not setting a specific or even general date for this to happen, because I don’t want to be disappointed. Instead, I’ll take things day by day. If I slip up one time, I’ll do better the next day. I might struggle with negative thoughts my entire life, but as long as it doesn’t control me, I think I can be okay with that.

Someday, probably not soon, but in a few years, I know I’ll probably have to get off birth control. A year ago, I started taking it because both my doctor and therapist insisted I had to take it so I could get my first period. My anorexia came around at a really bad time—just before I would have probably had my first period, if I hadn’t been so thin. I was a late-bloomer, and I’ve been underweight my whole life, but I think that if I had continued to eat normally, I would have gotten my period naturally by the time I was seventeen. Instead, I ruined my body’s chance at finishing what it started (puberty) and I have to take BC so I can actually get a period. I know it’s good for me, because it helps build up my bones—yay, no osteoporosis!—and it’s also cleared up my skin a lot. But if I want to have a family someday, I’ll have to stop so I can start getting my period naturally. And it’s not good to keep taking it non-stop for several years. I know it’ll be scary to stop taking it, but I have to see if my body can function normally without it.

I’m really scared about any future relationships I may have. What if I find a great guy, and I end up screwing up my body and my life again, and I lose him? What if I can’t have kids because of the damage I’ve done? What if I pass my disordered thoughts onto my kids?

For now, I’ll just keep praying and letting each day be a stepping stone towards my future life…whatever that may be!



Hmmm...what's in store for me?