I Hate...

So I haven't really posted in awhile, but hopefully the next paragraph will explain why. Basically, I haven't had the best past few weeks, ED-wise. Honestly, I've messed up a ton. Sadly, I can't really bring myself to care enough to stop, and as far as I know, I haven't lost any weight, which is why I feel I have to keep restricting. This is really, really hard for me to write, but I think honesty is really important in this process. I'd really appreciate comments, but I completely understand if you'd rather not comment.

**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!


I hate feeling fat. I hate wanting needing to lose a few pounds. I hate feeling guilty for eating a few extra pieces of cereal after (an inadequate) breakfast. I hate not knowing what I weigh, and if I've lost any weight yet. I hate worrying every moment of the day about what I'm eating. I hate restricting to under 1000 calories, every single day (a couple of days it was around 600), and feeling like crap if I eat a little more than normal. I hate feeling compelled to exercise in my room, even though I walk for 45-60 minutes a day for classes, and sometimes I just don't feel like working out. I hate measuring my thighs and arms every day to see if they've gotten any smaller. I hate looking at older pictures of myself and beating myself up for not looking as tiny anymore. I hate how I constantly worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat. I hate not caring anymore that I'm screwing my metabolism over. I hate that I think 90 pounds is too fat for me and anything over that is out of the question. I hate not seeing results after all my restriction. I hate how I feel proud that my butt starts hurting after only a little while of sitting down. I hate how people never tell me I look skinny anymore and how I have to rely on my own ED-ified brain to figure out if I look okay. I hate that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to have relapsed. I hate that I'm determined to be 85 pounds again, despite how underweight that is. I hate that I'm so obsessed with being skinny, and I'll probably never be skinny enough. I hate that I feel like I have to eat and exercise this way in order to stay healthy. I hate that I think I'll never be truly recovered...

Being Honest With Myself

This is a really hard post for me to write. A lot of my recent posts have been all bubbly and happy, and part of me is like that right now. I've got most of August to look forward to before I go back to school, I had a great birthday on Wednesday and life is pretty good for me right now. But another part of me feels enslaved--to ED--and also robotic, like I'm just going through the motions of my life without really feeling anything.

I think it all started on my birthday. It started out really well, but as the day progressed, I started feeling a twinge of guilt. I woke up early, like 6, because my mom and I were going to the IKEA grand opening. So I didn't get a chance to do my normal morning workout. We ate out at Panera for lunch (I got the strawberry poppyseed salad and barely ate any of the chicken). I was exhausted by the time we got home because we'd been practically running around the store for 2 hours trying to find the things we wanted to buy. So I only ended up doing 10 minutes of a cardio circuit and 10 minutes of yoga. Then my dad got home and we all went out to eat at Pei Wei. I got my usual Vietnamese chicken salad rolls, and ate two out of 3 of them, but also some edamame and some of my dad's brown rice and peanuts. And then later at home, we had some birthday gelato and I got a little bit extra. I felt horribly horribly fat and guilty. But come on, it was my birthday. I have the right to indulge, and they weren't even big indulgences. But I still felt bad.

Since then, I've been feeling like I'm eating more, even though I'm not really. I mentally beat myself up if I eat a few extra pieces of cereal or some raisins. I even restricted yesterday on purpose by only having some fruit at snack. I know I should be fueling myself more, especially since I played an hour of tennis yesterday, but I just can't. It feels...good to give in to ED. I feel like I'm strong and in control when really, I'm slipping, slowly but surely. I don't think I'm losing weight (I haven't weighed myself in a month I think) but that might be an ED trick. I noticed this week that I had a slightly lighter period than usual, but I didn't really think much about it. I'm on birth control, so I don't know if minor weight loss or undernourishment can cause changes in menstruation.

I think I'm giving in to ED because my recovery seems to be going no where. I still exercise on a daily basis, always at least 40 minutes. My calf has been hurting a lot lately, but I ignore the pain. The thing is, exercising isn't even that fun anymore. I feel like a robot programmed to do it every day, but I'm getting burned out.

I've been doing okay body-image wise. Not the best, but not too bad either. I've been feeling for a long time that if I could just lose 5 or so pounds, I would be a lot happier about how I look. I mean, I weighed that much for at least two years prior to ED. Why isn't it an okay weight now? I know that my BMI would be at 16 if I lost only a few pounds (BMI is stupid, but still), but I just feel so uncomfortable where I am right now. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I was at a healthy weight, even at the very low end of the scale.

So honestly, I don't even know where my recovery is going right now. I'm still eating fairly normally, but I sometimes worry that my metabolism is slow because I don't eat 1800 calories or whatever it is that's supposed to be a healthy number for maintenance. I don't think I could ever eat that much food. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near a dangerous level but I'm wondering if all this exercise plus not quite enough fuel is slowing down my metabolism. I really just don't know. Here's the thing: I definitely don't want to give up all the progress I've made over 2 years, but I'm scared to let go of ED. So it's a balancing act, and I don't know which side will win out...

Have you ever had to be honest with yourself about something that's hard to face?

I Suck At Moderation

Hi guys, sorry I've been MIA over here lately. I could say it's because I'm really busy or because I'm having lots of fun (both true) but the real reason is because I've been having such a hard time coming up with a topic to post on. But today I finally have one, and it's about moderation.


On the Today Show this morning, there was this little bit about how everything in moderation is really good for you. I wasn't really watching it, but my mom started talking to me and my sister (I have a feeling she was talking more to me...) about this thing she saw about this woman whose doctor told her that she could eat everything she wanted to, only in small portions, to lose weight. Apparently, it worked for her. Then I started thinking about how moderation and I do not get along. At all. I mean, having an eating disorder, by definition, is the opposite of moderation. For me, it means restriction, avoiding foods I deem unhealthy and feeling like I have to exercise every single day.


I feel like moderation is something that works for some people, but not for me! That is probably another stupid lie ED is feeding me, but that's how I feel. I think that if I eat some ice cream, or real French fries--even in a normal, or small amount--that I will become HUGE and I'll love the food so much that I'll have it on a regular basis, and that would be bad. Logically, that's probably not true, but I've become so attached to eating as healthily as possible that it's really hard to let it go. Honestly, I don't think anything's wrong with the way I eat now but some people might view it as restrictive. I eat organic whenever possible and I look for foods that give me a lot of bang for my nutritional buck--things like rolled oats, fruits & veggies, unsweetened soy milk, sprouted grain tortillas, Pure bars, beans and almond butter. None of those things are bad at all, but the problem is that I cut out other things to make room for those things. For instance, now I refuse to drink cow's milk (even skim) or eat corn tortillas, just because at one point I deemed those "less than healthy". There's nothing wrong with eating healthy, as long as it doesn't go too far. It did for me, and now I still struggle with orthorexia. However, I have to admit that eating healthy actually does make me feel a lot better, but I wish I could do it in a way that's balanced, not restrictive.






Fruit is great, but you shouldn't eliminate other things to eat it

 I've talked about my recent addiction to exercise. Everyone knows that being active is a good thing, but what about if you can't go a day without it? What if you feel guilty for only working out for 45 minutes when you could have gone at least an hour? What if you feel like you have to exercise in order to eat a normal amount? That's when I think exercise has become an unhealthy obsession. I'd like moderation in this area of my life too.






I'd like to workout when I want to

 Basically, right now I really suck at moderation. I'm so much better with not restricting the amount I eat (though I still deal with that, too) but I'm having such a hard time letting go of my rigid food rules and exercise schedule.


Do you "suck" at moderation, too?

All I Can Say Is Eh Eh

I've really been feeling Lady Gaga's "Nothing Else I Can Say" recently, hence my title. My life hasn't been bad, or really amazing lately. Just...eh. Not that that's bad, I just wish I was more positive.

After my recent vlog honesty about my struggles, my body image has actually been on the upswing, which is always a good thing. My bad thoughts about my body come and go in waves, so while it's great that I'm feeling better, I know it won't last. I'm determined to try to fight back this time, though, when the crappy feelings set in again. In fact, they already started to today. For the past few days, I think I actually saw the real 'me' in the mirror. It was refreshing, and I honestly thought to myself "Wow, my legs actually are tiny!" I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. However, all that changed yesterday after I weighed myself. It wasn't some huge, scary number by any means but still frustrating. (*P.S. I don't mean for the numbers to be triggering at all! I have used them before in posts, but if they do offend you, then please skip this part!) I know this will sound sooooo stupid, but I want to weigh 90 lbs so bad. Right now (and for the past few months), I've been hovering 1 or 2 lbs above that and it makes me mad. Mad that no matter what I do, I can't lose those stubborn couple of pounds. I think the real reason I want to weigh 90 lbs is because my original recovery goal weight was 90 lbs and I feel 'fat' if I go above that. Stupid, I know, especially since I'm only a pound over and still technically underweight. I just don't look that underweight in my eyes.



I've also been struggling with an exercise compulsion. I hesitate to call it 'overexercise' because ED still tells me I'm not doing enough, but since summer vacation started a month and a half ago, I haven't gone a day without exercising at least 40 minutes. There were a couple days where I did only 30 or 35 minutes, but there were way more that I did over an hour. In ED's opinion, it's nothing since it's only been 20 minutes cardio, 20 minutes yoga and walking around stores or something most days. But I think that refusing to go even one day without 40 minutes of working out is an exercise addiction. I've even been logging my exercise! And on top of that, I've been hiding the evidence of working out. I mostly do stuff in my room, or I go for a walk by myself or something. And I also think I pulled a muscle in my left calf when I was playing tennis this weekend because I didn't stretch and I overexerted it.

I just feel like I'm going from one behavior to another, from restriction to exercising. I haven't restricted majorly in awhile, since I'm at home and my parents are watching what I'm eating, so now I feel like I have to turn to exercise to control my emotions and my weight. I did the same thing last summer, but I didn't have to work out every day and it was usually for much less time. Exercise never used to be a part of my anorexia, but now I feel like it's taking over my life. I'm not devoting all my time to it, but my thoughts are centered around when I'm going to workout next and how intense it should be. I enjoy exercise, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm too obsessed with it and now it's not fun. I feel like I can't think about anything other than planning my meals and exercising. I'm happy for the most part, I just wish I could stop obsessing over these two things and just enjoy my summer guilt-free.


Sorry about this lame downer of a post. I just feel like I haven't really updated in awhile and I didn't want to make my life seem like it was all sunshine and rainbows (like in my Fave Five Friday posts). Not every day is good, but that doesn't mean I'm giving in.

Don't worry, I'm still smiling :)

Any more advice on the body image thing? Have you struggled with abusing exercise and how do you overcome it?

WIAW Numero Uno

So it’s my first official What I Ate Wednesday (WIAW)! I’m so excited to do this, so I’m also gonna share with you what I wore and did yesterday. Basically it’s WIAWADW ;)

Breakfast: organic flax waffle topped with dark chocolate fudgie, Morningstar spicy veggie sausage, banana nut Vitatop, blueberries (and sour Flintstones gummy vitamins, lol)

After breakfast, I did some yoga!

I wish I could be this flexible! (from weheartit)

 

Please ignore the bathroom stuff, this is the best place to take a picture ;)



Then I got dressed (of course!). White Merona cardigan (Target), blue and coral floral button-down tank (Hollister), blue linen cargo shorts (American Eagle), white pearl and diamond necklace (American Eagle), various bangles and bracelets (American Eagle). My hair was still a little curly from when I curled it on Tuesday, so I pulled it into cute pigtails!

Then it was on to the chore of the day...MOPPING! Oh, so much fun (jk).



(from weheartit)



Lunch: sweet potato topped with crunchy almond butter, cinnamon and a dash of cayenne pepper (I like my taters spicy and sweet!), grapes and Bear Naked Fit vanilla almond granola (water to drink, of course)

I did some more yoga, read through "People StyleWatch" (favorite magazine ever!) until my mom and lil sis came home.

Snack: mini Chocolate Brownie Clif bar, big bowl of blueberries and golden raspberries (I loooooooooove berries!) and a Clif Kids Twisted Fruit rope, more water to drink

My mom was too tired to cook so my dad brought home takeout for dinner from a Mexican place. I don't like that place but I wanted something similar to the rest of my family...

Dinner: Flatout light wrap with jalapeno almond cheese, black beans and lime juice (vegan quesadilla!), baby carrots, fresh pico de gallo salsa, cocoa banana smoothie (unsweetened chocolate soymilk, packet Truvia, 1/2 banana), date stuffed with crunchy almond butter

My dad went to go see “Water for Elephants” so me, my mom and sister just chilled at home. I took a shower, did a little more yoga and also a 6 minute cardio circuit!

Snack: Stonyfield nonfat Gotta Have Java (coffee) froyo, 2 Whole Foods duplex cookies (like Oreos but so much yummier and healthier)

Then I watched Headlines on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and went to bed!

Q’s: What was the best thing you ate on Wednesday (or today)? If you do workouts like cardio or yoga, do you like splitting them up throughout the day (like I do) or getting them all done at once?



So Ready to be Done

Happy Sunday, girlies! I hope you’ve had an amazing weekend, and if you have final exams coming up that you’re not too stressed. I’m just starting to feel the stress and I know it will get worse by next weekend :/

If you couldn’t already tell by the title of my post, I’m so ready to be done with school! This year has gone by really fast, which is sort of scary but also exciting. I can’t wait to be a sophomore in college and start taking classes beyond the boring basic requirements. I’m also really glad that this year’s gone by fast, because of my roommate situation. I won’t go too much into it, I did talk about it in this post if you want some background, but basically she is inconsiderate and kind of unsocial. Now, I’m not the most outgoing person in the world, but I do sometimes randomly start up a conversation with someone I barely know and I’m not generally anxious in social situations. In my opinion, it shouldn’t be that hard to talk to your roommate, especially after an entire school year, but that’s just me. I’m honestly sick and tired of being the one to always start conversations with her that really end up nowhere anyway. It just feels incredibly awkward to me to live with someone and go for days without saying anything to them. I know that if that happened at home, my parents would ask what’s wrong with me! Seriously, all four of us love to talk so it’s pretty much never quiet, which I love. But anyways, I have my last week of classes this week and then finals next week and I’m done by Thursday evening! I’m so excited for summer but I’m not really excited to move all my stuff out of my dorm! That’s gonna be a huge project haha.

The dress I wore a week ago for Easter...except I had to wear a sweater too because it SNOWED :/

But the title of my post also refers to my ‘relationship’ with ED at the moment. Lately, I’ve been really struggling to see my body in a positive light. I haven’t had a full day where I thought I looked awesome, or even alright, in a looooooong time. Sure there are definitely moments where I look at myself and think, “Yeah, I look good!” but they don’t last and it’s making me mad. Today, it’s a little chillier than it has been so I put on some jeans, and I haven’t worn jeans in a few weeks, and this particular pair in over a month. They’ve always been snug, not slouchy like my boyfriend jeans, but they fit. I’ve usually felt a little uncomfortable in them, because I’m not used to how jeans should fit, but the feeling usually goes away after wearing them for a little bit. Today I feel like they are fitting me tighter than ever (though it’s probably ED talking) and I’ve felt so guilty every time I’ve eaten so far. I really hate how my perception of how clothes fit is so screwed up, and how it really gets to me. In fact, I felt compelled by ED to go for a walk around campus today, even though I usually wouldn’t on the weekend, since barely anyone is out and it feels creepy. In a way, I’m glad I did, because there were some other people out, but not so many that it seemed crowded, and I got some time to think. But most of those thoughts were about how fat I feel. I walked for a little more than half an hour, which is a decent amount, but of course it wasn’t enough for ED. Well, screw him! I just want him out of my life. I want to be able to focus on my finals, and then enjoying my summer, without him getting in the way. I’m so ready to be done with ED!

This picture is to piss ED off, because he said I look too fat in it but I think I look cute :)

Q: What are you most excited about this summer?

Successes and Struggles

I loved all the responses I got on my last post! It’s great to see others in the same situation as me, and my heart goes out to those of you who are still waiting to get your period back. It will happen, ladies!

So I’m sure you’ve probably noticed a few changes to my blog. I updated my About Me on the sidebar to be a little more creative and I also changed the background to a picture I took last spring break in my hometown of Phoenix, AZ. But no worries, everything else is still the same, I just needed an update!

Messy but good! Caramel Oikos, Bear Naked Fit granola, 1 tsp almond butter and BLOOBS!

Lately, I’ve been dealing with some struggles as well as some successes, so I thought I’d share those with y’all (no I’m not Southern haha). Let’s start with the negatives, since I want to end this on a positive note! So basically, I have not been able to kick my walking habit. Or rather, ED’s walking habit. I have walked for at least a half hour a day every day since I’ve gotten back from spring break 3 weeks ago (except for weekends). It’s not like I’m walking ridiculous amounts, but I know that any exercise that’s ED-based is unhealthy. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love to go for walks around campus to just take in the fresh air and sunshine. But these walks weren’t exactly enjoyable, and I suspect it’s because they were ED-fueled. Like on Wednesday, I forced myself to walk around the Oval (this part of campus with a grassy treed area in the middle and really old buildings around it) even though it was cloudy, cool and drizzling. And I always plan it so I eat my afternoon snack or lunch (depending on what time I walk) right before I walk, so I can try to burn off the calories. I don’t need to be burning them off, but ED tells me I’ll be fat if I eat and then just sit in class or whatever. Stupid lies!

This was the box of my Cinnamon Crunch cereal. As you can tell, I had a little too much fun unscrambling the names of these "good bugs"!

But, I have had some successes, too. Since yesterday, I’ve gotten up to eating 1 full tablespoon of almond butter in a day! Yeah, I know that’s really low, but for someone who used to only eat a teaspoon or maybe two a day, this is BIG! I’m working on eventually getting up to 2 full tbsp. in a day; it’s scary, but it’ll be a big accomplishment. And I’m also not wiping off the oil that forms on top so it’s really drippy and even yummier! I know that the oil is natural (the almond butter I get is just almonds and a bit of salt, so no added oils) and it’s good for me. I’m also really strongly considering increasing my calories. I’ve noticed that lately, I get extremely starving before a meal, like literally, my stomach is hurting! It’s not been fun, and I think my body is telling me I need to eat more. This is a really scary decision, because I’ve been eating roughly the same amount for at least a year, but I know that 1300 a day isn’t that much. I’ve noticed that when I’m at home, I don’t plan my meals and I don’t really count (I just do a rough count to make sure I’m getting enough) and I’m usually not as hungry, and I still don’t gain weight even though I probably eat more, so I think that by increasing my cals a little bit when I’m at school will really help. I really just can’t wait til summer (5 more weeks!) because then I won’t feel the need to plan my meals out like I do at school.



Favorite flavor EVER of Clif Kids Twisted Fruit :)



Last night, I wanted breakfast for dinner...so I had a
breakfast pita w/ 2 tsp almond butter, a spicy veggie
sausage pattie, carrots (okay, not breakfast-like) and
unpictured natural applesauce and a Mix1

Q’s: Suggestions on what to do about the walking? Any tips on how to increase my calories slowly so I don't gain weight or end up restricting (from adding in things too quickly)?

I'm Stronger Than This...Right?

*Warning: May be triggering!*

I just wanted to let you guys know how much I appreciate all your support. I know I’ve said it before, but it means so much to me to be surrounded by this great community.

So, confession time: I have royally effed up. No joke. It started innocently enough, with those sneaky little ED-fueled thoughts, like “You were so much skinnier yesterday!” and “You need to exercise for at least an hour every day, no matter what!” (lies, I know). Then it progressed to me actually acting on these urges. The past 3 days, I have gone for a walk around campus. No big deal, right? Well, it wasn’t me who wanted to walk—sure it was nice to enjoy the scenery, but it was cold, windy and cloudy. And I pushed myself to the point where my foot hurts again. Not fun.

Even worse? ED talked me into major restriction today—I’m talking under-1000 calories major. Yeah, haven’t done that in 2 years. I tried to convince myself it was okay, since I didn’t get too hungry, but it isn’t okay. I felt chest pain today when I was doing normal activities. Not cool.

Oh, and despite my severe restriction today, I still forced myself to walk in the cold. All I gotta say is, WTF?

So why am I allowing ED back into my life? Honestly, I don’t know. My life is otherwise humming along, not too stressful. I guess I’ve just let my guard down and he snuck up on me. The scary things is, he’s telling me I’d be “better” if I weighed 85 pounds. What???? Um, hello, that would put me at a BMI of 16. I’m already underweight as it is. He’s telling me it would be “okay”, since I weighed that much naturally pre-ED. Okay, but now I’m an adult woman and I don’t think 85 is healthy for me anymore. Besides, I didn’t even get my period at that weight (I don’t naturally now, I’m on BC but that’s beside the point). Basically, ED is pissing me off…but not enough to make me tell him off.

Sorry guys; had to get that off my chest. I don’t feel proud of the recent choices I’ve made, but I don’t know how to get back on track. Help!!!!!!!!



Obviously I'm not in the mood for pictures, but this was a yummy yogurt mess I had the other day. The Greek yogurt was frozen, so it was like frozen yogurt...yum!



Q’s: Any ideas for me to stop this slip and start recovering again? Who else wants to tell ED to STFU (hahaha not really a question but still)?

Just a Quickie ;)

Hi, ladies! Thanks for the good wishes for my exams. I’ve got one down—the advertising midterm—and one to go tomorrow. I’m so ready for spring break!

I just wanted to give y’all a quick update on what’s happening in my life (besides studying, duh!) Today, I wore a skirt with no tights for the first time in probably 5 months! Yes, it was warm enough for my legs to go naked (lol) and I really enjoyed it. I’m usually more self-conscious in shorts than miniskirts for some reason, but I’m planning on wearing my favorite pair tomorrow—we’ll see how that goes!

I’ve been dealing with a sore foot for the past week. I’m pretty sure it was because I was running in shoes that didn’t fit well, and I was overexerting myself when I first noticed the foot pain. It’s in the top of my left foot, but today it’s started to feel a little better. I decided to not run or do any cardio (besides walking to class) for a while. I felt a little guilty about that decision at first, but I don’t want to risk permanently injuring myself because I over-exercised. And it wasn’t worth the pain I was experiencing every time I walked—and I walk a lot!

I haven’t had too many exciting eats lately, besides the last of my Pure bars which I’m loving more and more! Definitely gonna have to get more of those when I get home for spring break. Oh, and I had one of my favorite things at dinner tonight—this vegan black bean lime soup. It’s not really soup, it’s super-thick and basically just beans, but it’s really yummy and it’s got 10 grams of protein and 14 grams of fiber in 1/2 a serving! Even though I am definitely no vegan (still love my seafood and Greek yogurt), I do enjoy sometimes eating vegan meals or snacks. They can be really delicious!

Oh the things you can buy at Whole Foods!

Spring break is just around the corner! I’m loving the warm weather and I’m hoping it lasts so I can play tennis with my dad, go bike riding, tan on my deck and enjoy family dinners outside.

Q’s: What’s your favorite warm weather outfit? Do you like to eat vegan things even if you aren’t vegan?

Too Much?

Hope you’re all enjoying your weekend so far! I think mine’s gonna be mostly booked with homework, laundry and Say Yes to the Dress.

I’ve never been a hardcore exerciser, but I’ve always admired people who are devoted to their workouts, either for sports like track, or just hitting the gym regularly. Throughout the worst parts of my ED, the only exercise I got was about half an hour every day in a women’s fitness PE class at school and my ‘secret’ crunches. I was restricting my calories so much that I could barely work out because I didn’t have the energy.

Exercise has never been really “off-limits” for me during my recovery. No one ever told me not to do it, probably because they assumed I wasn’t doing it and exercise wasn’t part of my ED. Throughout my early recovery, I still just did the crunches, probably more than before because of all the calories I had to eat, but that was about it. During that first summer, I went on the trampoline occasionally or went on hikes with my family on vacation, but that was about it.

Last summer, my second summer during recovery, I think I became more interested in working out. I scheduled in about 15-30 minutes of exercise a day, either walking down my street (which is about a mile), biking, jumping on the trampoline or basic cardio moves in my room. Still, nothing extreme or anything, and I didn’t feel too bad if I missed a day.

First semester of freshman year, I was just trying to keep up with school. I didn’t really have much desire to work out. I was walking probably half an hour a day between classes and my dorm, so I thought that was pretty good. My parents even told me to try to eat more, since I was exercising more than normal for me. And I was still doing crunches after every meal. It’s just something that’s stuck with me.

Then this semester, it’s like a switch flipped on and I feel compelled to exercise. I’m still walking the same amount, but now it’s not enough for me. I started doing yoga two weeks ago. I started out with ten minutes a day, but that quickly progressed to half an hour a day. Then yesterday, I did an hour of yoga. Today, I’ve done 45 minutes. I’ve also been doing some jogging. I did ten minutes today, in addition to the yoga and my normal walking. So I’ve already done an hour and 25 minutes of exercise today. I know, that probably sounds like such a small amount. But for me, it’s big. The only times I’ve ever done that much was hiking or riding my bike over the summer with my dad.

The scary thing is, I feel like it isn’t me who wants to work out, but my ED. I’m starting to feel a high from exercising, and I like the pain it’s bringing to my muscles. But I’m wondering if I’m starting to become addicted to exercise.

Exercise is a great thing, don’t get me wrong. It’s made me more calm and helps me sleep better and just feel better in general, but I’m confused as to how much is too much?

Haha, had to add in something a little silly :)

Q’s: Was or is exercise part of your ED? What do you do when you feel like you’ve done too much?

Yoga & Yogurt

My Saturday so far has been pretty laidback. It usually is that way when I stay on campus for the weekend—on my weekends home, I’m usually running around like  a crazy woman trying to do everything at once so I don’t waste the time I have with my family. But it gave me a chance to do laundry and even some yoga time!

I have to say, I really love yoga. It was my first time doing it in almost 2 years and I missed it. I used to do it in my junior year PE class but I haven’t done it since. Then I got a free yoga app on my iPod touch and I thought it would be cool to try again. It’s great because you don’t need any special equipment or anything and it’s easy to do almost anywhere.

The app itself is really cool because you can either do the pose base they created or you can make up your own. I picked from all the poses and chose ten to do for a minute each, plus child’s pose at the end.

I’ve gotta admit that it was painful, but in a good way. I’m sure that when I’ve done the poses for longer, my body will be more stretched out and I’ll be used to them. Then I can do more advanced poses. I’m really excited to start doing yoga now! I’m gonna try to fit in 10 minutes a day and eventually work my way up from there. It’s an awesome workout, because it stretches you out and actually helps you relax. I think it’s gonna be a great tool on my recovery journey, because it’s not super-intense exercise that I could overdo.



Mmmm, Greek yogurt :)



On another note, I enjoyed some yummy Greek yogurt today! Greek yogurt is one of my favorite things to eat, since it’s so high in protein and it’s super-creamy, even though it’s fat free. I know I should focus on incorporating more fats into my diet…but that’s where almond butter comes in ;) Today, I had strawberry Oikos, which is my favorite brand. You have to stir up the yogurt so the real strawberry on the bottom gets mixed in, but it’s definitely worth it. My other favorite flavors are blueberry, caramel and chocolate! Yes, there is such a thing as chocolate Greek yogurt and yes, it’s amazing! My favorite ways to eat it is either frozen (homemade frozen yogurt), with Bear Naked granola or Kashi crackers or all by itself. If you’ve never tried Greek yogurt, you are definitely missing out! Oh, and the plain kind is great as “sour cream” on tacos and fajitas!

So my boring day has actually turned out to be pretty good! Hopefully you’ve had a great weekend so far. Now it’s back to the homework…