Being Honest With Myself

This is a really hard post for me to write. A lot of my recent posts have been all bubbly and happy, and part of me is like that right now. I've got most of August to look forward to before I go back to school, I had a great birthday on Wednesday and life is pretty good for me right now. But another part of me feels enslaved--to ED--and also robotic, like I'm just going through the motions of my life without really feeling anything.

I think it all started on my birthday. It started out really well, but as the day progressed, I started feeling a twinge of guilt. I woke up early, like 6, because my mom and I were going to the IKEA grand opening. So I didn't get a chance to do my normal morning workout. We ate out at Panera for lunch (I got the strawberry poppyseed salad and barely ate any of the chicken). I was exhausted by the time we got home because we'd been practically running around the store for 2 hours trying to find the things we wanted to buy. So I only ended up doing 10 minutes of a cardio circuit and 10 minutes of yoga. Then my dad got home and we all went out to eat at Pei Wei. I got my usual Vietnamese chicken salad rolls, and ate two out of 3 of them, but also some edamame and some of my dad's brown rice and peanuts. And then later at home, we had some birthday gelato and I got a little bit extra. I felt horribly horribly fat and guilty. But come on, it was my birthday. I have the right to indulge, and they weren't even big indulgences. But I still felt bad.

Since then, I've been feeling like I'm eating more, even though I'm not really. I mentally beat myself up if I eat a few extra pieces of cereal or some raisins. I even restricted yesterday on purpose by only having some fruit at snack. I know I should be fueling myself more, especially since I played an hour of tennis yesterday, but I just can't. It feels...good to give in to ED. I feel like I'm strong and in control when really, I'm slipping, slowly but surely. I don't think I'm losing weight (I haven't weighed myself in a month I think) but that might be an ED trick. I noticed this week that I had a slightly lighter period than usual, but I didn't really think much about it. I'm on birth control, so I don't know if minor weight loss or undernourishment can cause changes in menstruation.

I think I'm giving in to ED because my recovery seems to be going no where. I still exercise on a daily basis, always at least 40 minutes. My calf has been hurting a lot lately, but I ignore the pain. The thing is, exercising isn't even that fun anymore. I feel like a robot programmed to do it every day, but I'm getting burned out.

I've been doing okay body-image wise. Not the best, but not too bad either. I've been feeling for a long time that if I could just lose 5 or so pounds, I would be a lot happier about how I look. I mean, I weighed that much for at least two years prior to ED. Why isn't it an okay weight now? I know that my BMI would be at 16 if I lost only a few pounds (BMI is stupid, but still), but I just feel so uncomfortable where I am right now. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I was at a healthy weight, even at the very low end of the scale.

So honestly, I don't even know where my recovery is going right now. I'm still eating fairly normally, but I sometimes worry that my metabolism is slow because I don't eat 1800 calories or whatever it is that's supposed to be a healthy number for maintenance. I don't think I could ever eat that much food. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near a dangerous level but I'm wondering if all this exercise plus not quite enough fuel is slowing down my metabolism. I really just don't know. Here's the thing: I definitely don't want to give up all the progress I've made over 2 years, but I'm scared to let go of ED. So it's a balancing act, and I don't know which side will win out...

Have you ever had to be honest with yourself about something that's hard to face?

I Suck At Moderation

Hi guys, sorry I've been MIA over here lately. I could say it's because I'm really busy or because I'm having lots of fun (both true) but the real reason is because I've been having such a hard time coming up with a topic to post on. But today I finally have one, and it's about moderation.


On the Today Show this morning, there was this little bit about how everything in moderation is really good for you. I wasn't really watching it, but my mom started talking to me and my sister (I have a feeling she was talking more to me...) about this thing she saw about this woman whose doctor told her that she could eat everything she wanted to, only in small portions, to lose weight. Apparently, it worked for her. Then I started thinking about how moderation and I do not get along. At all. I mean, having an eating disorder, by definition, is the opposite of moderation. For me, it means restriction, avoiding foods I deem unhealthy and feeling like I have to exercise every single day.


I feel like moderation is something that works for some people, but not for me! That is probably another stupid lie ED is feeding me, but that's how I feel. I think that if I eat some ice cream, or real French fries--even in a normal, or small amount--that I will become HUGE and I'll love the food so much that I'll have it on a regular basis, and that would be bad. Logically, that's probably not true, but I've become so attached to eating as healthily as possible that it's really hard to let it go. Honestly, I don't think anything's wrong with the way I eat now but some people might view it as restrictive. I eat organic whenever possible and I look for foods that give me a lot of bang for my nutritional buck--things like rolled oats, fruits & veggies, unsweetened soy milk, sprouted grain tortillas, Pure bars, beans and almond butter. None of those things are bad at all, but the problem is that I cut out other things to make room for those things. For instance, now I refuse to drink cow's milk (even skim) or eat corn tortillas, just because at one point I deemed those "less than healthy". There's nothing wrong with eating healthy, as long as it doesn't go too far. It did for me, and now I still struggle with orthorexia. However, I have to admit that eating healthy actually does make me feel a lot better, but I wish I could do it in a way that's balanced, not restrictive.






Fruit is great, but you shouldn't eliminate other things to eat it

 I've talked about my recent addiction to exercise. Everyone knows that being active is a good thing, but what about if you can't go a day without it? What if you feel guilty for only working out for 45 minutes when you could have gone at least an hour? What if you feel like you have to exercise in order to eat a normal amount? That's when I think exercise has become an unhealthy obsession. I'd like moderation in this area of my life too.






I'd like to workout when I want to

 Basically, right now I really suck at moderation. I'm so much better with not restricting the amount I eat (though I still deal with that, too) but I'm having such a hard time letting go of my rigid food rules and exercise schedule.


Do you "suck" at moderation, too?

All I Can Say Is Eh Eh

I've really been feeling Lady Gaga's "Nothing Else I Can Say" recently, hence my title. My life hasn't been bad, or really amazing lately. Just...eh. Not that that's bad, I just wish I was more positive.

After my recent vlog honesty about my struggles, my body image has actually been on the upswing, which is always a good thing. My bad thoughts about my body come and go in waves, so while it's great that I'm feeling better, I know it won't last. I'm determined to try to fight back this time, though, when the crappy feelings set in again. In fact, they already started to today. For the past few days, I think I actually saw the real 'me' in the mirror. It was refreshing, and I honestly thought to myself "Wow, my legs actually are tiny!" I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. However, all that changed yesterday after I weighed myself. It wasn't some huge, scary number by any means but still frustrating. (*P.S. I don't mean for the numbers to be triggering at all! I have used them before in posts, but if they do offend you, then please skip this part!) I know this will sound sooooo stupid, but I want to weigh 90 lbs so bad. Right now (and for the past few months), I've been hovering 1 or 2 lbs above that and it makes me mad. Mad that no matter what I do, I can't lose those stubborn couple of pounds. I think the real reason I want to weigh 90 lbs is because my original recovery goal weight was 90 lbs and I feel 'fat' if I go above that. Stupid, I know, especially since I'm only a pound over and still technically underweight. I just don't look that underweight in my eyes.



I've also been struggling with an exercise compulsion. I hesitate to call it 'overexercise' because ED still tells me I'm not doing enough, but since summer vacation started a month and a half ago, I haven't gone a day without exercising at least 40 minutes. There were a couple days where I did only 30 or 35 minutes, but there were way more that I did over an hour. In ED's opinion, it's nothing since it's only been 20 minutes cardio, 20 minutes yoga and walking around stores or something most days. But I think that refusing to go even one day without 40 minutes of working out is an exercise addiction. I've even been logging my exercise! And on top of that, I've been hiding the evidence of working out. I mostly do stuff in my room, or I go for a walk by myself or something. And I also think I pulled a muscle in my left calf when I was playing tennis this weekend because I didn't stretch and I overexerted it.

I just feel like I'm going from one behavior to another, from restriction to exercising. I haven't restricted majorly in awhile, since I'm at home and my parents are watching what I'm eating, so now I feel like I have to turn to exercise to control my emotions and my weight. I did the same thing last summer, but I didn't have to work out every day and it was usually for much less time. Exercise never used to be a part of my anorexia, but now I feel like it's taking over my life. I'm not devoting all my time to it, but my thoughts are centered around when I'm going to workout next and how intense it should be. I enjoy exercise, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm too obsessed with it and now it's not fun. I feel like I can't think about anything other than planning my meals and exercising. I'm happy for the most part, I just wish I could stop obsessing over these two things and just enjoy my summer guilt-free.


Sorry about this lame downer of a post. I just feel like I haven't really updated in awhile and I didn't want to make my life seem like it was all sunshine and rainbows (like in my Fave Five Friday posts). Not every day is good, but that doesn't mean I'm giving in.

Don't worry, I'm still smiling :)

Any more advice on the body image thing? Have you struggled with abusing exercise and how do you overcome it?

I'm So Fly...

Hahaha just kidding, but I’m pretty much writing this on the fly because I’ve been incredibly busy this week. It was my “dead week” this week (or the crazy-busy week before finals, for those of you not in college) and I pretty much had something due every day. On Tuesday, I met up with my ad agency group from my advertising course to go over our presentation that was on Wednesday. It ended up going for 2 full hours, even though we basically did nothing, so I ended up walking back to my room in the dark. But it was all good, it wasn’t too cold and no one attacked me (like I always freak out about at night). Wednesday I had a conference with my composition professor about my big paper due this Thursday and then in the afternoon I had my agency presentation, which went pretty well. I was actually the only freshman in my group, and in the class, too, so I felt like I did just as well as the upperclassmen. Thursday was my first final, and the one I was most freaked out about. It didn’t seem too hard, so I hope I did pretty well on it. Me and my friend in that class always talk about how hard it is, but we both think we did okay on the final. And yesterday was the last day of classes of my freshman year! Gosh, time really does fly!

Today I’m supposed to be studying my butt off, because I have four finals next week! One I’m not at all worried about, because it’s open-note! I just have to take a few notes and I’m good. My other three finals aren’t cumulative, either, so I’m trying not to stress about them too much. I have all of Wednesday to study for the last two, and then after my last final on Thursday, I’m outta here! I’m so ready to be home for three months. I’ve really missed seeing my family for more than just a weekend, having my own bathroom, doing yoga outside and of course, cooking! I hope I can get right back in the kitchen next weekend because microwave cooking is getting really old.

My only stress right now (besides finals, duh!) is packing up all my stuff! Really, I have a lot of stuff in this tiny dorm and it’s all gotta go…home, that is! My family’s coming up tomorrow (yay!) because it’s Mother’s Day and they’re also taking back most of my stuff. So I’ve also got to pack today. I’ve never really minded packing, it’s kind of fun, but I have so much it’s not even funny.

This morning, I went for a nice 20 minute walk around campus. It was so nice…and unusually warm! My weather app on my iPod said it was only 70, but it felt like 80! About halfway through my walk, I started to get lightheaded and my head started to hurt. I really wasn’t sure why, I didn’t feel like 20 minutes was overkill. Now, I’d be lying if I didn’t say my walk was partly ED-fueled, but it was mostly because I wanted to enjoy the sun and warm weather. But when I got back to my dorm, I didn’t feel guilty at all that it was only 20 minutes because of how weird I felt. Don’t worry, I drank a lot of water when I got back and I feel so much better now! Even though I’m still struggling with exercising because ED tells me to, I’m trying to listen to my body, too, and give it what it wants.

A tulip I saw on my walk!

I guess I should probably start studying, so enjoy the rest of your weekend, ladies!

Q’s: What’s the weather like where you are? What are you stressing about now?