Being Honest With Myself

This is a really hard post for me to write. A lot of my recent posts have been all bubbly and happy, and part of me is like that right now. I've got most of August to look forward to before I go back to school, I had a great birthday on Wednesday and life is pretty good for me right now. But another part of me feels enslaved--to ED--and also robotic, like I'm just going through the motions of my life without really feeling anything.

I think it all started on my birthday. It started out really well, but as the day progressed, I started feeling a twinge of guilt. I woke up early, like 6, because my mom and I were going to the IKEA grand opening. So I didn't get a chance to do my normal morning workout. We ate out at Panera for lunch (I got the strawberry poppyseed salad and barely ate any of the chicken). I was exhausted by the time we got home because we'd been practically running around the store for 2 hours trying to find the things we wanted to buy. So I only ended up doing 10 minutes of a cardio circuit and 10 minutes of yoga. Then my dad got home and we all went out to eat at Pei Wei. I got my usual Vietnamese chicken salad rolls, and ate two out of 3 of them, but also some edamame and some of my dad's brown rice and peanuts. And then later at home, we had some birthday gelato and I got a little bit extra. I felt horribly horribly fat and guilty. But come on, it was my birthday. I have the right to indulge, and they weren't even big indulgences. But I still felt bad.

Since then, I've been feeling like I'm eating more, even though I'm not really. I mentally beat myself up if I eat a few extra pieces of cereal or some raisins. I even restricted yesterday on purpose by only having some fruit at snack. I know I should be fueling myself more, especially since I played an hour of tennis yesterday, but I just can't. It feels...good to give in to ED. I feel like I'm strong and in control when really, I'm slipping, slowly but surely. I don't think I'm losing weight (I haven't weighed myself in a month I think) but that might be an ED trick. I noticed this week that I had a slightly lighter period than usual, but I didn't really think much about it. I'm on birth control, so I don't know if minor weight loss or undernourishment can cause changes in menstruation.

I think I'm giving in to ED because my recovery seems to be going no where. I still exercise on a daily basis, always at least 40 minutes. My calf has been hurting a lot lately, but I ignore the pain. The thing is, exercising isn't even that fun anymore. I feel like a robot programmed to do it every day, but I'm getting burned out.

I've been doing okay body-image wise. Not the best, but not too bad either. I've been feeling for a long time that if I could just lose 5 or so pounds, I would be a lot happier about how I look. I mean, I weighed that much for at least two years prior to ED. Why isn't it an okay weight now? I know that my BMI would be at 16 if I lost only a few pounds (BMI is stupid, but still), but I just feel so uncomfortable where I am right now. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I was at a healthy weight, even at the very low end of the scale.

So honestly, I don't even know where my recovery is going right now. I'm still eating fairly normally, but I sometimes worry that my metabolism is slow because I don't eat 1800 calories or whatever it is that's supposed to be a healthy number for maintenance. I don't think I could ever eat that much food. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near a dangerous level but I'm wondering if all this exercise plus not quite enough fuel is slowing down my metabolism. I really just don't know. Here's the thing: I definitely don't want to give up all the progress I've made over 2 years, but I'm scared to let go of ED. So it's a balancing act, and I don't know which side will win out...

Have you ever had to be honest with yourself about something that's hard to face?

Way Back Wednesday: "At 19, Everything is Possible and Tomorrow Looks Friendly."

19 years ago today, I was born in Desert Samaritan Hospital in Phoenix, AZ. I don't remember anything about that day (obviously!) except what my parents have told me--it was at the beginning of the 1992 Summer Olympics (held in Barcelona), my mom was in labor for about 36 hours before I was delivered by C-section and it was super-hot, in the 110s.

In those 19 years, I've accomplished a lot, been through a lot, probably more than I'd have ever imagined. As a little girl, I thought my life as a teenager would be carefree and easy, just like on TV shows. On my birthday every year, I dug into my cake without caring about how many calories or fat were in it. I just enjoyed the moment and didn't worry about what would happen to me in the next year. A lot has changed since then, but I'm still that innocent, fun-loving little girl at heart.

To celebrate, I decided to share 19 moments that have happened over the years that were important to me, shaped me as a person or were just fun.

[Age 1]: I learned to talk at 9 months (and haven't stopped since ;) )


8 months old (sorry about the bad photo quality--I had to take a picture of a picture!)

[Age 2]: We moved to Colorado Springs from Arizona.

14 months old

[Age 3]: I started taking dance classes--and didn't stop until I was 15!

[Age 4]: Preschool. My mom wanted to hold me back, because I was younger than most of the other kids and not as socially-mature, but my dad persuaded her to let me start kindergarten.

First dance recital

 [Age 5]: Kindergarten. On the first day, I marched off into class and didn't look back! I wish school was that easy again...

[Age 6]: I got my first think-it-through (an elementary school discipline thing) and it made me so upset that I lied to my parents (for the first time ever, I think!) about it.

[Age 7]: I started second grade at a new elementary school.



Easter! I always loved digging into my basket and devouring the candy (especially Jelly Bellies)

  [Age 8]: I met my (former) best friend, Jenna. We were inseperable until high school.

[Age 9]: I fractured my right ankle and had to be in a cast (glow-in-the-dark!) for a couple of months. I was in karate and acro dance at the time, but we never figured out exactly how I broke it. I was just disappointed that I didn't get to use crutches LOL!

[Age 10]: I started playing soccer with the YMCA in the fall (my team was the Golden Buffaloes).




I remember many camping trips when I was younger


[Age 11]: I got my ears pierced for my 11th birthday, but six months later, one of of them got infected and I ended up having to go to urgent care to get it taken out! Needless to say, I never got anything pierced after that!

[Age 12]: I started playing the tenor saxophone for my middle school band and jazz band. Yes, I used to be a band geek!

[Age 13]: I celebrated my 13th birthday with a sleepover and mall scavenger hunt with some of my friends.

[Age 14]: I started high school.




I also started a fashion blog (this was one of my first pictures for it)

 [Age 15]: I got my driver's permit, quit dance and joined the Yearbook staff.

Family vacay

[Age 16]: I got my license (and later, started recovering from my eating disorder).

[Age 17]: I graduated high school in May.



Graduation night!


[Age 18]: I started (and got through) my first year of college.

[Age 19]: Nothing yet--but I'm starting my sophomore year, I'm living on my own...who knows what may happen!



Ready to take on the world (at almost 19)!

What is one of your favorite birthday memories?