I Hate...

So I haven't really posted in awhile, but hopefully the next paragraph will explain why. Basically, I haven't had the best past few weeks, ED-wise. Honestly, I've messed up a ton. Sadly, I can't really bring myself to care enough to stop, and as far as I know, I haven't lost any weight, which is why I feel I have to keep restricting. This is really, really hard for me to write, but I think honesty is really important in this process. I'd really appreciate comments, but I completely understand if you'd rather not comment.

**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!


I hate feeling fat. I hate wanting needing to lose a few pounds. I hate feeling guilty for eating a few extra pieces of cereal after (an inadequate) breakfast. I hate not knowing what I weigh, and if I've lost any weight yet. I hate worrying every moment of the day about what I'm eating. I hate restricting to under 1000 calories, every single day (a couple of days it was around 600), and feeling like crap if I eat a little more than normal. I hate feeling compelled to exercise in my room, even though I walk for 45-60 minutes a day for classes, and sometimes I just don't feel like working out. I hate measuring my thighs and arms every day to see if they've gotten any smaller. I hate looking at older pictures of myself and beating myself up for not looking as tiny anymore. I hate how I constantly worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat. I hate not caring anymore that I'm screwing my metabolism over. I hate that I think 90 pounds is too fat for me and anything over that is out of the question. I hate not seeing results after all my restriction. I hate how I feel proud that my butt starts hurting after only a little while of sitting down. I hate how people never tell me I look skinny anymore and how I have to rely on my own ED-ified brain to figure out if I look okay. I hate that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to have relapsed. I hate that I'm determined to be 85 pounds again, despite how underweight that is. I hate that I'm so obsessed with being skinny, and I'll probably never be skinny enough. I hate that I feel like I have to eat and exercise this way in order to stay healthy. I hate that I think I'll never be truly recovered...

Is Maintaining Harder than Gaining?!?!?!

Hey! I’m so glad to hear you like the new name and thanks for the comments on my picture—they really made my day :D

So my question of the day is…do you think it’s harder to maintain than to gain? I certainly think that it can be. When you first start out gaining weight, it can be so tough to put yourself in the mindset of “I’m gaining so I can be healthier.” That’s the hard part of gaining. Also, after starving yourself for so long (with anorexia, of course), your metabolism actually slows down during the starvation process. When you start eating normally again, it revs back up again and it can be hard to make any gains. This is why most people, in the early refeeding process, have to eat SO much—if they just ate a normal amount, it wouldn’t be enough.

At some point, you’ll probably reach your “goal” weight. Personally, I don’t think this should be a specific number, but a range of numbers that you can fall between and still be healthy. Your range may be high or low, small or large, depending on your body frame and other aspects. When you reach this area, you’ll probably be at a safe place where you can maintain this weight.

This is where it gets really hard. You might not know how much you actually have to eat to maintain, instead of gaining or losing. Not that it’s bad to keep gaining, but if you’re at a healthy weight, you may not want to gain any more. You might have to eat a little less than you were when you were gaining to stay at a stable weight. You may be allowed to exercise again, and this can throw things out of whack. If you exercise more, you generally should eat more to compensate.

Or maybe you keep eating your normal amount and you maintain for a while, but then all of a sudden, you slip back. This has happened to me so many times during my journey so far and each time, it’s kinda scary. I know I don’t want to go back to my ED, but I’m scared to eat more and gain “too much” weight. Usually, the changes are very, very small, like a pound. But it’s still a sticky situation to be in.

It really is hard to maintain at one specific weight. This is why I think it’s helpful to have a range to fall into. If you slip a little, but it’s still within the range, be more careful with eating but don’t freak out and beat yourself up about it. Everyone has fluctuations all the time, so I think it’s best to weigh yourself once a week at most at the same time of day, so there’s fewer errors. Keep in mind that clothes add a pound or two, so don’t worry if you’re up a couple of pounds.

Most of all remember: You are more than just a number on a scale. Don’t let that number, whatever it may be, define you, or what kind of day you might have. If you’re up or down, don’t let it ruin your whole day. And definitely don’t let it screw up your recovery journey. Because you are worth so much more than that!



I love snow when I'm stuck at home (like this!) but I don't like it so much when I have to walk to classes in it, plus my dorm is soooooooo cold :(