I Hate...

So I haven't really posted in awhile, but hopefully the next paragraph will explain why. Basically, I haven't had the best past few weeks, ED-wise. Honestly, I've messed up a ton. Sadly, I can't really bring myself to care enough to stop, and as far as I know, I haven't lost any weight, which is why I feel I have to keep restricting. This is really, really hard for me to write, but I think honesty is really important in this process. I'd really appreciate comments, but I completely understand if you'd rather not comment.

**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!


I hate feeling fat. I hate wanting needing to lose a few pounds. I hate feeling guilty for eating a few extra pieces of cereal after (an inadequate) breakfast. I hate not knowing what I weigh, and if I've lost any weight yet. I hate worrying every moment of the day about what I'm eating. I hate restricting to under 1000 calories, every single day (a couple of days it was around 600), and feeling like crap if I eat a little more than normal. I hate feeling compelled to exercise in my room, even though I walk for 45-60 minutes a day for classes, and sometimes I just don't feel like working out. I hate measuring my thighs and arms every day to see if they've gotten any smaller. I hate looking at older pictures of myself and beating myself up for not looking as tiny anymore. I hate how I constantly worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat. I hate not caring anymore that I'm screwing my metabolism over. I hate that I think 90 pounds is too fat for me and anything over that is out of the question. I hate not seeing results after all my restriction. I hate how I feel proud that my butt starts hurting after only a little while of sitting down. I hate how people never tell me I look skinny anymore and how I have to rely on my own ED-ified brain to figure out if I look okay. I hate that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to have relapsed. I hate that I'm determined to be 85 pounds again, despite how underweight that is. I hate that I'm so obsessed with being skinny, and I'll probably never be skinny enough. I hate that I feel like I have to eat and exercise this way in order to stay healthy. I hate that I think I'll never be truly recovered...

Too Much?

Hope you’re all enjoying your weekend so far! I think mine’s gonna be mostly booked with homework, laundry and Say Yes to the Dress.

I’ve never been a hardcore exerciser, but I’ve always admired people who are devoted to their workouts, either for sports like track, or just hitting the gym regularly. Throughout the worst parts of my ED, the only exercise I got was about half an hour every day in a women’s fitness PE class at school and my ‘secret’ crunches. I was restricting my calories so much that I could barely work out because I didn’t have the energy.

Exercise has never been really “off-limits” for me during my recovery. No one ever told me not to do it, probably because they assumed I wasn’t doing it and exercise wasn’t part of my ED. Throughout my early recovery, I still just did the crunches, probably more than before because of all the calories I had to eat, but that was about it. During that first summer, I went on the trampoline occasionally or went on hikes with my family on vacation, but that was about it.

Last summer, my second summer during recovery, I think I became more interested in working out. I scheduled in about 15-30 minutes of exercise a day, either walking down my street (which is about a mile), biking, jumping on the trampoline or basic cardio moves in my room. Still, nothing extreme or anything, and I didn’t feel too bad if I missed a day.

First semester of freshman year, I was just trying to keep up with school. I didn’t really have much desire to work out. I was walking probably half an hour a day between classes and my dorm, so I thought that was pretty good. My parents even told me to try to eat more, since I was exercising more than normal for me. And I was still doing crunches after every meal. It’s just something that’s stuck with me.

Then this semester, it’s like a switch flipped on and I feel compelled to exercise. I’m still walking the same amount, but now it’s not enough for me. I started doing yoga two weeks ago. I started out with ten minutes a day, but that quickly progressed to half an hour a day. Then yesterday, I did an hour of yoga. Today, I’ve done 45 minutes. I’ve also been doing some jogging. I did ten minutes today, in addition to the yoga and my normal walking. So I’ve already done an hour and 25 minutes of exercise today. I know, that probably sounds like such a small amount. But for me, it’s big. The only times I’ve ever done that much was hiking or riding my bike over the summer with my dad.

The scary thing is, I feel like it isn’t me who wants to work out, but my ED. I’m starting to feel a high from exercising, and I like the pain it’s bringing to my muscles. But I’m wondering if I’m starting to become addicted to exercise.

Exercise is a great thing, don’t get me wrong. It’s made me more calm and helps me sleep better and just feel better in general, but I’m confused as to how much is too much?

Haha, had to add in something a little silly :)

Q’s: Was or is exercise part of your ED? What do you do when you feel like you’ve done too much?