Hi everyone! I know I haven't blogged in what seems like forever--almost 2 and a half months! I hate to have left you guys hanging with such a downer of a post, so I decided to come back.
I just got 2 very sweet comments on my last post that really made me realize that I miss this blogging community. I actually haven't completely left blogging really--I'm just doing more of it over at almostveggirlie, since I discovered that Wordpress is a lot easier to use. And I also wanted to try to focus less on my eating disorder and more about the rest of my life.
I am definitely doing a lot better since I posted last. Yes, I am still struggling with feeling okay with eating a good amount, but my body image is much stronger now. I don't hate what I see in the mirror every day, and that is amazing. I am somewhat alright with eating 'indulgences' like froyo and falafel. I don't want to starve my body and mind of what it needs. Sure, I sometimes don't eat enough but I am definitely working on fueling myself the right way. And I think if I do that, my body image will improve even more. There are hard days for sure, but I have to say most days are great.
I had a wonderful Thanksgiving break last week with my family, and I'm so ready to be done with this semester. It's definitely getting stressful with all the finals and projects, but I know that I'll enjoy Christmas break even more if I just push through all this hard stuff. And it's a month off from school, who wouldn't want that?!
So I hope you guys will all come back and read over here (if I decide to keep posting on this blog) or read my Wordpress blog if you want a lot of random posts about food, fashion and my life in general. Hope you all have been doing well and I'll definitely try to catch up on commenting on all your blogs.
Ash :)
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Back-to-School Blues & Hunger Cues
So my sophomore year starts tomorrow, and I can't believe where the summer's gone. I'm kind of sad it's almost over, but also excited to start the new school year fresh. I'm really hoping it'll be a lot better than last year. I liked last year, but I wasn't on the best of terms with my freshman year roommate and it kind of soured my experience. This year, I'm still in the dorms, but in a much nicer and newer building (with air conditioning!) and I have a room to myself. I do have to share a bathroom with 2 other girls, so I'm really hoping we hit it off or at least have a better relationship than my ex-roomie and I had. So far, they and a lot of other people (including guys!) on my floor seem really nice so I'm hoping everything goes well.
Move-in weekend was a lot smoother than last year for sure. My dad and I drove up Friday morning, grabbed lunch at Qdoba and then got to unloading the car. We took several trips up and down three flights of stairs and the elevator, but we got all of it in. My mom and sister drove up later and we unloaded the rest of the stuff and then headed over to the hotel we were staying at over the weekend. Then we got some dinner at one of my favorite places, Mad Greens. I've gotta admit, I've been kind of restricting a lot this weekend, not necessarily on purpose but my hunger has been out of whack since Saturday and it's freaking me out. Now I think it's back, but I still feel that pull towards continuing restricting so I'm not sure how that's going to go down this week, especially with all the stressage from new classes. I ended up getting a salad with baby greens, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, cannellini beans and tofu and I really just did not like the taste of it, so I barely ate any of it. But I did steal some bites of pita from my dad's panini so at least I did eat something.
Saturday we woke upbright and early at a quarter to 9. I had a small breakfast of Bear Naked granola and green grapes, since I still wasn't hungry, but I had a little breakdown when my mom insisted that I eat the Light 'n Fit yogurt she brought up from the breakfast buffet in the lobby. I was mostly upset because it wasn't my usual organic Greek yogurt with tons of protein (this yogurt only had 3 grams!) and natural ingredients. I ate a tiny bit and then threw out the rest when she wasn't looking. I really felt sneaky, like I did back in my ED days when I'd throw my food in the trash and never got caught. But honestly, the yogurt tasted way too sweet and chemical-y for me so I couldn't eat any more of it.
After getting some things at the store (including another mini fridge so I could turn it into a makeshift freezer), we headed back to the hotel for a quick lunch. My hunger was still mostly MIA, so I just ended up having most of a 200-calorie vegan tortilla soup (delish, BTW) and some grapes. The sad thing was, I actually felt guilty for eating that much because my mom only had some crackers and hummus because she wasn't hungry, either.
The parentals left for the rest of the afternoon to go on brewery tours so my sis and I just chilled at the hotel. We went to the pool for a little bit, played around with the radio in the room and people-watched from our third-story window. Some time during the afternoon, I finally felt a little hunger pang so I had some multigrain chips that I brought along. At this point, the hunger wouldn't go away, so I had some more grapes and a little granola. Of course, I felt incredibly guilty for eating this much, even though I was hungry.
We went out to dinner at a new-to-us place called Beach House Grill. At first, I didn't think I was going to like it, but I ended up getting something I really loved. For the first time all weekend, I feel like I actually ate a decent amount, even though it was pretty low-cal: a few small pieces of grilled mahi mahi in lettuce wraps, with fruit salsa and black beans and rice on the side. I also tried some of the green salsa and it was really spicy, so I had to drink a lot of water. I ended up feeling uncomfortably full after dinner (because of all the water), so again I felt guilty. I did end up feeling hungry again later so I had a small snack of Whole Foods sandwich cookies and raisins.
Today has been rough eating-wise, too. I had an okay breakfast, a salad of just greens and grapes at lunch, some delicious birthday cake and soy chocolate gelato (best thing I've had all weekend!) for a snack and then my floor went to the dining hall for dinner together and I ended up just getting a salad with carrots and a few sunflower seeds with grapes on the side. Definitely not enough fuel, considering I've been running around campus and town most of the day. I tried to make up for it by having some multigrain chips and pineapple earlier, but I know I didn't eat enough.
Right now, I'm just incredibly exhausted from the weekend and stressed out about school. The last thing I need to think about now is food...which is exactly why I'm slipping. And now that I've had this slip-up last all weekend, it's so much easier to keep giving in and eat less and less. I haven't felt the urge to restrict in a long time, but it's back again. And I don't know what to do...
What do you do to get back on track after days of eating less?
Move-in weekend was a lot smoother than last year for sure. My dad and I drove up Friday morning, grabbed lunch at Qdoba and then got to unloading the car. We took several trips up and down three flights of stairs and the elevator, but we got all of it in. My mom and sister drove up later and we unloaded the rest of the stuff and then headed over to the hotel we were staying at over the weekend. Then we got some dinner at one of my favorite places, Mad Greens. I've gotta admit, I've been kind of restricting a lot this weekend, not necessarily on purpose but my hunger has been out of whack since Saturday and it's freaking me out. Now I think it's back, but I still feel that pull towards continuing restricting so I'm not sure how that's going to go down this week, especially with all the stressage from new classes. I ended up getting a salad with baby greens, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, cannellini beans and tofu and I really just did not like the taste of it, so I barely ate any of it. But I did steal some bites of pita from my dad's panini so at least I did eat something.
 |
| Qdoba Naked Fajita Burrito with lime rice, black beans, pico de gallo and grilled veggies |
Saturday we woke up
After getting some things at the store (including another mini fridge so I could turn it into a makeshift freezer), we headed back to the hotel for a quick lunch. My hunger was still mostly MIA, so I just ended up having most of a 200-calorie vegan tortilla soup (delish, BTW) and some grapes. The sad thing was, I actually felt guilty for eating that much because my mom only had some crackers and hummus because she wasn't hungry, either.
The parentals left for the rest of the afternoon to go on brewery tours so my sis and I just chilled at the hotel. We went to the pool for a little bit, played around with the radio in the room and people-watched from our third-story window. Some time during the afternoon, I finally felt a little hunger pang so I had some multigrain chips that I brought along. At this point, the hunger wouldn't go away, so I had some more grapes and a little granola. Of course, I felt incredibly guilty for eating this much, even though I was hungry.
We went out to dinner at a new-to-us place called Beach House Grill. At first, I didn't think I was going to like it, but I ended up getting something I really loved. For the first time all weekend, I feel like I actually ate a decent amount, even though it was pretty low-cal: a few small pieces of grilled mahi mahi in lettuce wraps, with fruit salsa and black beans and rice on the side. I also tried some of the green salsa and it was really spicy, so I had to drink a lot of water. I ended up feeling uncomfortably full after dinner (because of all the water), so again I felt guilty. I did end up feeling hungry again later so I had a small snack of Whole Foods sandwich cookies and raisins.
 |
| Some gorgeous flowers at the CSU gardens |
Today has been rough eating-wise, too. I had an okay breakfast, a salad of just greens and grapes at lunch, some delicious birthday cake and soy chocolate gelato (best thing I've had all weekend!) for a snack and then my floor went to the dining hall for dinner together and I ended up just getting a salad with carrots and a few sunflower seeds with grapes on the side. Definitely not enough fuel, considering I've been running around campus and town most of the day. I tried to make up for it by having some multigrain chips and pineapple earlier, but I know I didn't eat enough.
 |
| I think I could just live on gelato... |
Right now, I'm just incredibly exhausted from the weekend and stressed out about school. The last thing I need to think about now is food...which is exactly why I'm slipping. And now that I've had this slip-up last all weekend, it's so much easier to keep giving in and eat less and less. I haven't felt the urge to restrict in a long time, but it's back again. And I don't know what to do...
What do you do to get back on track after days of eating less?
Friday, August 12, 2011
Fave Five Friday #6
It's time once again for FFF! I can't believe how quickly summer is going by--I start school a week from Monday! I wish I had just a few more weeks at home to enjoy, but I'm going to appreciate the next week or so I have left.
1. Hiking/picnicking with my family
2. Walking around the famous 16th Street Mall (in Denver)
3. Last-minute shopping
4. Trying new hairstyles
5. Visiting Forever 21 for the first time ever (!)
What are you enjoying about summer?
1. Hiking/picnicking with my family
 |
| I love spending time in the mountains! (not me in the pic, BTW) |
 |
| This place is huge! And super cool :) |
3. Last-minute shopping
 |
| What a haul haha |
4. Trying new hairstyles
 |
| I love my hair waver! |
5. Visiting Forever 21 for the first time ever (!)
 |
| The ring I bought :) |
What are you enjoying about summer?
Monday, August 8, 2011
Happy Herbivore
I mentioned in this post a while back that I was seriously considering vegetarianism. I honestly think it's completely sickening how most animals are treated and on top of that, I just can't really stomach meat anymore. It doesn't appeal to me whatsoever, not even seafood as much.
This summer, my mom's kinda been on my case about my eating, which has been a little annoying but understandable. Mostly, she was just upset that I haven't really been eating meat at all lately. It's been a while since I actually ate a substantial amount of chicken or fish--if it's been part of a meal, I just kind of picked around it. But...this isn't another form of restriction. It's because I really just don't want to eat meat anymore, for ethical and personal reasons. It just grosses me out now.
My mom talked to me a few days ago about this, and I was surprised to hear her say that a vegan diet has been shown to be helpful in eating disorder recovery. She just wants to make sure that I get enough calcium (I'm going to start taking a supplement and I'll still be eating Greek yogurt--so not fully vegan) and fats. Eating enough fat has been really hard for me during my ED and now in recovery, but now I'm going to be more committed to eating enough healthy fats.
So basically, I'm going mostly vegan. I will still have some dairy occasionally, but most of it doesn't appeal to me, besides my beloved Greek yogurt and gelato. I'm going to focus on high-quality plant proteins, such as beans, quinoa and tempeh (all things I love, BTW) and also on fats, like nuts, almond butter and avocado. This is NOT another way for me to fall back on ED, though. Eating vegetarian or mostly vegan really does make me feel my healthiest and happiest and I think eating this way could help me on the road to recovery. I will NOT allow myself to fall back into the "low fat" and "low calorie" trap again. I want to sustain this lifestyle so I can be as healthy as possible. I won't use this new way of eating disguise my anorexia or orthorexia. I really believe that this will be a challenge to me--I may have to go out of my comfort zone and try something new and "scary". But it's a challenge I'm more than willing to try!
Just a note, I'm not trying to advocate that this is a perfect lifestyle for everyone. Every person has different needs and preferences and this is just what works for me best.
What changes have you made to your eating habits that have helped you in your recovery?
This summer, my mom's kinda been on my case about my eating, which has been a little annoying but understandable. Mostly, she was just upset that I haven't really been eating meat at all lately. It's been a while since I actually ate a substantial amount of chicken or fish--if it's been part of a meal, I just kind of picked around it. But...this isn't another form of restriction. It's because I really just don't want to eat meat anymore, for ethical and personal reasons. It just grosses me out now.
My mom talked to me a few days ago about this, and I was surprised to hear her say that a vegan diet has been shown to be helpful in eating disorder recovery. She just wants to make sure that I get enough calcium (I'm going to start taking a supplement and I'll still be eating Greek yogurt--so not fully vegan) and fats. Eating enough fat has been really hard for me during my ED and now in recovery, but now I'm going to be more committed to eating enough healthy fats.
So basically, I'm going mostly vegan. I will still have some dairy occasionally, but most of it doesn't appeal to me, besides my beloved Greek yogurt and gelato. I'm going to focus on high-quality plant proteins, such as beans, quinoa and tempeh (all things I love, BTW) and also on fats, like nuts, almond butter and avocado. This is NOT another way for me to fall back on ED, though. Eating vegetarian or mostly vegan really does make me feel my healthiest and happiest and I think eating this way could help me on the road to recovery. I will NOT allow myself to fall back into the "low fat" and "low calorie" trap again. I want to sustain this lifestyle so I can be as healthy as possible. I won't use this new way of eating disguise my anorexia or orthorexia. I really believe that this will be a challenge to me--I may have to go out of my comfort zone and try something new and "scary". But it's a challenge I'm more than willing to try!
 |
| One of my fave new veg finds is the Whole Foods hot/cold bars--I love the curried tofu quinoa salad and the maple roasted sweet potatoes! |
Just a note, I'm not trying to advocate that this is a perfect lifestyle for everyone. Every person has different needs and preferences and this is just what works for me best.
What changes have you made to your eating habits that have helped you in your recovery?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Way Back Wednesday: "At 19, Everything is Possible and Tomorrow Looks Friendly."
19 years ago today, I was born in Desert Samaritan Hospital in Phoenix, AZ. I don't remember anything about that day (obviously!) except what my parents have told me--it was at the beginning of the 1992 Summer Olympics (held in Barcelona), my mom was in labor for about 36 hours before I was delivered by C-section and it was super-hot, in the 110s.
In those 19 years, I've accomplished a lot, been through a lot, probably more than I'd have ever imagined. As a little girl, I thought my life as a teenager would be carefree and easy, just like on TV shows. On my birthday every year, I dug into my cake without caring about how many calories or fat were in it. I just enjoyed the moment and didn't worry about what would happen to me in the next year. A lot has changed since then, but I'm still that innocent, fun-loving little girl at heart.
To celebrate, I decided to share 19 moments that have happened over the years that were important to me, shaped me as a person or were just fun.
[Age 1]: I learned to talk at 9 months (and haven't stopped since ;) )
[Age 2]: We moved to Colorado Springs from Arizona.
[Age 3]: I started taking dance classes--and didn't stop until I was 15!
[Age 4]: Preschool. My mom wanted to hold me back, because I was younger than most of the other kids and not as socially-mature, but my dad persuaded her to let me start kindergarten.
[Age 5]: Kindergarten. On the first day, I marched off into class and didn't look back! I wish school was that easy again...
[Age 6]: I got my first think-it-through (an elementary school discipline thing) and it made me so upset that I lied to my parents (for the first time ever, I think!) about it.
[Age 7]: I started second grade at a new elementary school.
[Age 8]: I met my (former) best friend, Jenna. We were inseperable until high school.
[Age 9]: I fractured my right ankle and had to be in a cast (glow-in-the-dark!) for a couple of months. I was in karate and acro dance at the time, but we never figured out exactly how I broke it. I was just disappointed that I didn't get to use crutches LOL!
[Age 10]: I started playing soccer with the YMCA in the fall (my team was the Golden Buffaloes).
[Age 11]: I got my ears pierced for my 11th birthday, but six months later, one of of them got infected and I ended up having to go to urgent care to get it taken out! Needless to say, I never got anything pierced after that!
[Age 12]: I started playing the tenor saxophone for my middle school band and jazz band. Yes, I used to be a band geek!
[Age 13]: I celebrated my 13th birthday with a sleepover and mall scavenger hunt with some of my friends.
[Age 14]: I started high school.
[Age 15]: I got my driver's permit, quit dance and joined the Yearbook staff.
[Age 18]: I started (and got through) my first year of college.
[Age 19]: Nothing yet--but I'm starting my sophomore year, I'm living on my own...who knows what may happen!
What is one of your favorite birthday memories?
In those 19 years, I've accomplished a lot, been through a lot, probably more than I'd have ever imagined. As a little girl, I thought my life as a teenager would be carefree and easy, just like on TV shows. On my birthday every year, I dug into my cake without caring about how many calories or fat were in it. I just enjoyed the moment and didn't worry about what would happen to me in the next year. A lot has changed since then, but I'm still that innocent, fun-loving little girl at heart.
To celebrate, I decided to share 19 moments that have happened over the years that were important to me, shaped me as a person or were just fun.
[Age 1]: I learned to talk at 9 months (and haven't stopped since ;) )
 |
| 8 months old (sorry about the bad photo quality--I had to take a picture of a picture!) |
[Age 2]: We moved to Colorado Springs from Arizona.
 |
| 14 months old |
[Age 4]: Preschool. My mom wanted to hold me back, because I was younger than most of the other kids and not as socially-mature, but my dad persuaded her to let me start kindergarten.
 |
| First dance recital |
[Age 6]: I got my first think-it-through (an elementary school discipline thing) and it made me so upset that I lied to my parents (for the first time ever, I think!) about it.
[Age 7]: I started second grade at a new elementary school.
 |
| Easter! I always loved digging into my basket and devouring the candy (especially Jelly Bellies) |
[Age 9]: I fractured my right ankle and had to be in a cast (glow-in-the-dark!) for a couple of months. I was in karate and acro dance at the time, but we never figured out exactly how I broke it. I was just disappointed that I didn't get to use crutches LOL!
[Age 10]: I started playing soccer with the YMCA in the fall (my team was the Golden Buffaloes).
 |
| I remember many camping trips when I was younger |
[Age 11]: I got my ears pierced for my 11th birthday, but six months later, one of of them got infected and I ended up having to go to urgent care to get it taken out! Needless to say, I never got anything pierced after that!
[Age 12]: I started playing the tenor saxophone for my middle school band and jazz band. Yes, I used to be a band geek!
[Age 13]: I celebrated my 13th birthday with a sleepover and mall scavenger hunt with some of my friends.
[Age 14]: I started high school.
 |
| I also started a fashion blog (this was one of my first pictures for it) |
 |
| Family vacay |
[Age 16]: I got my license (and later, started recovering from my eating disorder).
[Age 17]: I graduated high school in May.
 |
| Graduation night! |
[Age 18]: I started (and got through) my first year of college.
[Age 19]: Nothing yet--but I'm starting my sophomore year, I'm living on my own...who knows what may happen!
 |
| Ready to take on the world (at almost 19)! |
What is one of your favorite birthday memories?
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Vacation Recap!
Thank you all again SO much for your responses to this post. I never would have guessed six months ago when I first started this blog that anyone would ever read it, let alone comment. You are all amazing, never forget that :)
Today, instead of my usual Fave Five Friday, I'll be sharing a photo recap of my vacation to Estes Park, Colorado! My family and I have been going there every summer for as long as I can remember and it's one of our favorite in-state destinations. Estes Park is a cute little touristy town, but it isn't lame and boring. It's only a few miles from Rocky Mountain National Park (home to the famous Longs Peak) and the town itself has tons of shops, restaurants and outdoor activities.
This was our first time going to EP for the 4th of July and man, was it crowded! It's usually pretty busy on the weekends but this year it was crazy. It was almost impossible to find parking, so we got a lot of walking in ;) But it was cool being there for the 4th, because we actually got to see fireworks. If we'd stayed at home, there wouldn't have been any fireworks nearby because of a fire ban. So it was totally worth all the crowds and stupid out-of-state drivers!
What is your favorite thing about vacations?
Today, instead of my usual Fave Five Friday, I'll be sharing a photo recap of my vacation to Estes Park, Colorado! My family and I have been going there every summer for as long as I can remember and it's one of our favorite in-state destinations. Estes Park is a cute little touristy town, but it isn't lame and boring. It's only a few miles from Rocky Mountain National Park (home to the famous Longs Peak) and the town itself has tons of shops, restaurants and outdoor activities.
This was our first time going to EP for the 4th of July and man, was it crowded! It's usually pretty busy on the weekends but this year it was crazy. It was almost impossible to find parking, so we got a lot of walking in ;) But it was cool being there for the 4th, because we actually got to see fireworks. If we'd stayed at home, there wouldn't have been any fireworks nearby because of a fire ban. So it was totally worth all the crowds and stupid out-of-state drivers!
 |
| Hummus pizza (vegan) |
 |
| The pool! |
 |
| Model status (just kidding!) |
 |
Santa likes to drink apparently... |
 |
| Strawberry froyo in a handmade marshmallow-flavored waffle cone |
 |
| Lake Estes |
 |
| My dad--King of the Rock! |
 |
| Sunshine veggie burger with jalapenos |
 |
| Chilling by the pool |
 |
| Fourth of July fireworks |
 |
| Awkward wolf sculpture in a store front |
 |
| A restaurant that serves cereal?! My kinda place :) |
 |
| Rainy mountains |
 |
| Pool time with my sistah |
 |
| Hugh Jass salad: lettuce, Craisins, strawbs, sliced almonds, raspberry vinaigrette |
 |
| Peace out, USA! |
 |
| Lawn Lake alluvial fan |
 |
| Legit license plate purse |
What is your favorite thing about vacations?
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
All I Can Say Is Eh Eh
I've really been feeling Lady Gaga's "Nothing Else I Can Say" recently, hence my title. My life hasn't been bad, or really amazing lately. Just...eh. Not that that's bad, I just wish I was more positive.
After my recent vlog honesty about my struggles, my body image has actually been on the upswing, which is always a good thing. My bad thoughts about my body come and go in waves, so while it's great that I'm feeling better, I know it won't last. I'm determined to try to fight back this time, though, when the crappy feelings set in again. In fact, they already started to today. For the past few days, I think I actually saw the real 'me' in the mirror. It was refreshing, and I honestly thought to myself "Wow, my legs actually are tiny!" I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. However, all that changed yesterday after I weighed myself. It wasn't some huge, scary number by any means but still frustrating. (*P.S. I don't mean for the numbers to be triggering at all! I have used them before in posts, but if they do offend you, then please skip this part!) I know this will sound sooooo stupid, but I want to weigh 90 lbs so bad. Right now (and for the past few months), I've been hovering 1 or 2 lbs above that and it makes me mad. Mad that no matter what I do, I can't lose those stubborn couple of pounds. I think the real reason I want to weigh 90 lbs is because my original recovery goal weight was 90 lbs and I feel 'fat' if I go above that. Stupid, I know, especially since I'm only a pound over and still technically underweight. I just don't look that underweight in my eyes.
I've also been struggling with an exercise compulsion. I hesitate to call it 'overexercise' because ED still tells me I'm not doing enough, but since summer vacation started a month and a half ago, I haven't gone a day without exercising at least 40 minutes. There were a couple days where I did only 30 or 35 minutes, but there were way more that I did over an hour. In ED's opinion, it's nothing since it's only been 20 minutes cardio, 20 minutes yoga and walking around stores or something most days. But I think that refusing to go even one day without 40 minutes of working out is an exercise addiction. I've even been logging my exercise! And on top of that, I've been hiding the evidence of working out. I mostly do stuff in my room, or I go for a walk by myself or something. And I also think I pulled a muscle in my left calf when I was playing tennis this weekend because I didn't stretch and I overexerted it.
I just feel like I'm going from one behavior to another, from restriction to exercising. I haven't restricted majorly in awhile, since I'm at home and my parents are watching what I'm eating, so now I feel like I have to turn to exercise to control my emotions and my weight. I did the same thing last summer, but I didn't have to work out every day and it was usually for much less time. Exercise never used to be a part of my anorexia, but now I feel like it's taking over my life. I'm not devoting all my time to it, but my thoughts are centered around when I'm going to workout next and how intense it should be. I enjoy exercise, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm too obsessed with it and now it's not fun. I feel like I can't think about anything other than planning my meals and exercising. I'm happy for the most part, I just wish I could stop obsessing over these two things and just enjoy my summer guilt-free.
Sorry about this lame downer of a post. I just feel like I haven't really updated in awhile and I didn't want to make my life seem like it was all sunshine and rainbows (like in my Fave Five Friday posts). Not every day is good, but that doesn't mean I'm giving in.
Any more advice on the body image thing? Have you struggled with abusing exercise and how do you overcome it?
After my recent vlog honesty about my struggles, my body image has actually been on the upswing, which is always a good thing. My bad thoughts about my body come and go in waves, so while it's great that I'm feeling better, I know it won't last. I'm determined to try to fight back this time, though, when the crappy feelings set in again. In fact, they already started to today. For the past few days, I think I actually saw the real 'me' in the mirror. It was refreshing, and I honestly thought to myself "Wow, my legs actually are tiny!" I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. However, all that changed yesterday after I weighed myself. It wasn't some huge, scary number by any means but still frustrating. (*P.S. I don't mean for the numbers to be triggering at all! I have used them before in posts, but if they do offend you, then please skip this part!) I know this will sound sooooo stupid, but I want to weigh 90 lbs so bad. Right now (and for the past few months), I've been hovering 1 or 2 lbs above that and it makes me mad. Mad that no matter what I do, I can't lose those stubborn couple of pounds. I think the real reason I want to weigh 90 lbs is because my original recovery goal weight was 90 lbs and I feel 'fat' if I go above that. Stupid, I know, especially since I'm only a pound over and still technically underweight. I just don't look that underweight in my eyes.
I've also been struggling with an exercise compulsion. I hesitate to call it 'overexercise' because ED still tells me I'm not doing enough, but since summer vacation started a month and a half ago, I haven't gone a day without exercising at least 40 minutes. There were a couple days where I did only 30 or 35 minutes, but there were way more that I did over an hour. In ED's opinion, it's nothing since it's only been 20 minutes cardio, 20 minutes yoga and walking around stores or something most days. But I think that refusing to go even one day without 40 minutes of working out is an exercise addiction. I've even been logging my exercise! And on top of that, I've been hiding the evidence of working out. I mostly do stuff in my room, or I go for a walk by myself or something. And I also think I pulled a muscle in my left calf when I was playing tennis this weekend because I didn't stretch and I overexerted it.
I just feel like I'm going from one behavior to another, from restriction to exercising. I haven't restricted majorly in awhile, since I'm at home and my parents are watching what I'm eating, so now I feel like I have to turn to exercise to control my emotions and my weight. I did the same thing last summer, but I didn't have to work out every day and it was usually for much less time. Exercise never used to be a part of my anorexia, but now I feel like it's taking over my life. I'm not devoting all my time to it, but my thoughts are centered around when I'm going to workout next and how intense it should be. I enjoy exercise, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm too obsessed with it and now it's not fun. I feel like I can't think about anything other than planning my meals and exercising. I'm happy for the most part, I just wish I could stop obsessing over these two things and just enjoy my summer guilt-free.
Sorry about this lame downer of a post. I just feel like I haven't really updated in awhile and I didn't want to make my life seem like it was all sunshine and rainbows (like in my Fave Five Friday posts). Not every day is good, but that doesn't mean I'm giving in.
 |
| Don't worry, I'm still smiling :) |
Any more advice on the body image thing? Have you struggled with abusing exercise and how do you overcome it?
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Weekend Update (and Smiling)
Hello blog buddies! Another weekend has come and I think it’s time for…Weekend Update!
No, not this Weekend Update! Though I really love SNL, it's probably my favorite TV show and the Stefan character in this Weekend Update edition is so hilarious!
My weekend has been busy so far, but really amazing. Last night, I went to the U2 concert! OMG, so amazing! I was somewhat of a fan of U2 before last night but the concert just blew me away. It was incredible! The venue where the concert was was huge, it's actually the stadium where the Denver Broncos play. Me and my mom were way up in the nosebleed section, so it was hard to see, but the concert was amazing anyway. I also enjoyed The Fray, who opened for U2. Since it was still light out, I got a few pictures of the giant screen where they showed the bands.
 |
| On the screen is Isaac Slade, lead singer of The Fray |
 |
| The whole stadium was lit up just with cell phones and camera flashes, how cool is that :) |
Other parts of the concert experience were...well...exciting, I guess! It was annoying because people kept getting up and leaving their seats to get drinks and food and go to the bathroom so it was really distracting. Also, it was really cold out! The light rail trip back to our car was an adventure, too. It took us forever to make the 10 minute walk back to the light rail station because thousands of people were all trying to leave at once. And then we had to wait for several light rail trains because so many people were trying to get on. Once we actually got on, it was packed to the gills with people! Oh, did I mention I had to stand for about 15 minutes in the light rail after standing up for over 2 hours...and it was 12:30 am?! I was really exhausted so I was really happy when people got off so my mom and I could sit down. And we were going to the last stop, so the ride was at least half an hour and it made a lot of stops! I think the light rail system is so cool, but last night it was ridiculous!
 |
| You're welcome for riding RTD ;) |
Here are the rules.
1. Smile!
2. Write 3 things you like about your looks.
3. Write 3 things you appreciate about your personality.
4. Write about something you find beautiful in other people (looks, personality – whatever)
5. Award as many other people as you like and let them know!
1) Smile :)
I love this mini backpack I got a few years ago, it makes me smile (and it has smileys on it, too!)
2) 3 Things I Like About My Looks
· My face. I used to hate it because I have a young-looking face so people would always think I was a lot younger than I really am, but now I think it looks cute (is that too conceited?!)
· My feet. Yes, this seems weird, but I like that they're small (size 6) and narrow so I can always find shoes in my size. The only problem is when I buy high heels that have an ankle strap, I always have to make extra holes because the straps are too big otherwise and I can't keep the shoes on!
- My arms. I used to hate them too and think they were "fat" and "huge" but now I know that it's muscle. People don't usually expect me to have biceps so when I show them, they're surprised! And I'm pretty good at arm-wrestling, too ;)
 |
| Even if it sounds vain, I like my face :) |
3) 3 Things I Like About My Personality
I really hate it when people talk about other people behind their backs and it makes me feel awkward to be put in that position where somebody is saying something mean about somebody else to me, so I like people who are honest but nice and can share their problems openly without being mean.
5) Awarding People!
Since a lot of people have already been tagged, I'll tag just a few who I don't think have been tagged yet but if you have, sorry, and if you haven't, feel free to do this award!
· I'm responsible. I always get my school work done on time, I try not to miss classes or appointments and I do chores at home without having to be asked a thousand times. I try to be as accountable as possible to people.
· I'm a nice person. I don't try to get revenge on someone when they do something that upsets me. I'm polite and rarely say anything mean.
· I'm funny. I like to joke around with people, be sarcastic and just laugh. I'm a little quiet at first but I'm totally comfortable cracking up and making funny comments with people I'm close with.
4) Something I Find Beautiful In Other PeopleI really hate it when people talk about other people behind their backs and it makes me feel awkward to be put in that position where somebody is saying something mean about somebody else to me, so I like people who are honest but nice and can share their problems openly without being mean.
5) Awarding People!
Since a lot of people have already been tagged, I'll tag just a few who I don't think have been tagged yet but if you have, sorry, and if you haven't, feel free to do this award!
I’ll leave you with one last pic of a yummy overnight oats combo I had yesterday: thick rolled oats mixed with water, organic apricot jelly and topped with a fresh apricot—yum! Enjoy the rest of your weekend, ladies!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
WIAW Numero Uno
So it’s my first official What I Ate Wednesday (WIAW)! I’m so excited to do this, so I’m also gonna share with you what I wore and did yesterday. Basically it’s WIAWADW ;)
Breakfast: organic flax waffle topped with dark chocolate fudgie, Morningstar spicy veggie sausage, banana nut Vitatop, blueberries (and sour Flintstones gummy vitamins, lol)
After breakfast, I did some yoga!
 |
| I wish I could be this flexible! (from weheartit) |
 |
| Please ignore the bathroom stuff, this is the best place to take a picture ;) |
Then I got dressed (of course!). White Merona cardigan (Target), blue and coral floral button-down tank (Hollister), blue linen cargo shorts (American Eagle), white pearl and diamond necklace (American Eagle), various bangles and bracelets (American Eagle). My hair was still a little curly from when I curled it on Tuesday, so I pulled it into cute pigtails!
Then it was on to the chore of the day...MOPPING! Oh, so much fun (jk).
 |
| (from weheartit) |
Lunch: sweet potato topped with crunchy almond butter, cinnamon and a dash of cayenne pepper (I like my taters spicy and sweet!), grapes and Bear Naked Fit vanilla almond granola (water to drink, of course)
I did some more yoga, read through "People StyleWatch" (favorite magazine ever!) until my mom and lil sis came home.
Snack: mini Chocolate Brownie Clif bar, big bowl of blueberries and golden raspberries (I loooooooooove berries!) and a Clif Kids Twisted Fruit rope, more water to drink
My mom was too tired to cook so my dad brought home takeout for dinner from a Mexican place. I don't like that place but I wanted something similar to the rest of my family...
Dinner: Flatout light wrap with jalapeno almond cheese, black beans and lime juice (vegan quesadilla!), baby carrots, fresh pico de gallo salsa, cocoa banana smoothie (unsweetened chocolate soymilk, packet Truvia, 1/2 banana), date stuffed with crunchy almond butter
My dad went to go see “Water for Elephants” so me, my mom and sister just chilled at home. I took a shower, did a little more yoga and also a 6 minute cardio circuit!
Snack: Stonyfield nonfat Gotta Have Java (coffee) froyo, 2 Whole Foods duplex cookies (like Oreos but so much yummier and healthier)
Then I watched Headlines on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and went to bed!
Q’s: What was the best thing you ate on Wednesday (or today)? If you do workouts like cardio or yoga, do you like splitting them up throughout the day (like I do) or getting them all done at once?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)