I Hate...

So I haven't really posted in awhile, but hopefully the next paragraph will explain why. Basically, I haven't had the best past few weeks, ED-wise. Honestly, I've messed up a ton. Sadly, I can't really bring myself to care enough to stop, and as far as I know, I haven't lost any weight, which is why I feel I have to keep restricting. This is really, really hard for me to write, but I think honesty is really important in this process. I'd really appreciate comments, but I completely understand if you'd rather not comment.

**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!


I hate feeling fat. I hate wanting needing to lose a few pounds. I hate feeling guilty for eating a few extra pieces of cereal after (an inadequate) breakfast. I hate not knowing what I weigh, and if I've lost any weight yet. I hate worrying every moment of the day about what I'm eating. I hate restricting to under 1000 calories, every single day (a couple of days it was around 600), and feeling like crap if I eat a little more than normal. I hate feeling compelled to exercise in my room, even though I walk for 45-60 minutes a day for classes, and sometimes I just don't feel like working out. I hate measuring my thighs and arms every day to see if they've gotten any smaller. I hate looking at older pictures of myself and beating myself up for not looking as tiny anymore. I hate how I constantly worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat. I hate not caring anymore that I'm screwing my metabolism over. I hate that I think 90 pounds is too fat for me and anything over that is out of the question. I hate not seeing results after all my restriction. I hate how I feel proud that my butt starts hurting after only a little while of sitting down. I hate how people never tell me I look skinny anymore and how I have to rely on my own ED-ified brain to figure out if I look okay. I hate that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to have relapsed. I hate that I'm determined to be 85 pounds again, despite how underweight that is. I hate that I'm so obsessed with being skinny, and I'll probably never be skinny enough. I hate that I feel like I have to eat and exercise this way in order to stay healthy. I hate that I think I'll never be truly recovered...

WIAW Numero Uno

So it’s my first official What I Ate Wednesday (WIAW)! I’m so excited to do this, so I’m also gonna share with you what I wore and did yesterday. Basically it’s WIAWADW ;)

Breakfast: organic flax waffle topped with dark chocolate fudgie, Morningstar spicy veggie sausage, banana nut Vitatop, blueberries (and sour Flintstones gummy vitamins, lol)

After breakfast, I did some yoga!

I wish I could be this flexible! (from weheartit)

 

Please ignore the bathroom stuff, this is the best place to take a picture ;)



Then I got dressed (of course!). White Merona cardigan (Target), blue and coral floral button-down tank (Hollister), blue linen cargo shorts (American Eagle), white pearl and diamond necklace (American Eagle), various bangles and bracelets (American Eagle). My hair was still a little curly from when I curled it on Tuesday, so I pulled it into cute pigtails!

Then it was on to the chore of the day...MOPPING! Oh, so much fun (jk).



(from weheartit)



Lunch: sweet potato topped with crunchy almond butter, cinnamon and a dash of cayenne pepper (I like my taters spicy and sweet!), grapes and Bear Naked Fit vanilla almond granola (water to drink, of course)

I did some more yoga, read through "People StyleWatch" (favorite magazine ever!) until my mom and lil sis came home.

Snack: mini Chocolate Brownie Clif bar, big bowl of blueberries and golden raspberries (I loooooooooove berries!) and a Clif Kids Twisted Fruit rope, more water to drink

My mom was too tired to cook so my dad brought home takeout for dinner from a Mexican place. I don't like that place but I wanted something similar to the rest of my family...

Dinner: Flatout light wrap with jalapeno almond cheese, black beans and lime juice (vegan quesadilla!), baby carrots, fresh pico de gallo salsa, cocoa banana smoothie (unsweetened chocolate soymilk, packet Truvia, 1/2 banana), date stuffed with crunchy almond butter

My dad went to go see “Water for Elephants” so me, my mom and sister just chilled at home. I took a shower, did a little more yoga and also a 6 minute cardio circuit!

Snack: Stonyfield nonfat Gotta Have Java (coffee) froyo, 2 Whole Foods duplex cookies (like Oreos but so much yummier and healthier)

Then I watched Headlines on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and went to bed!

Q’s: What was the best thing you ate on Wednesday (or today)? If you do workouts like cardio or yoga, do you like splitting them up throughout the day (like I do) or getting them all done at once?