Monday, September 19, 2011

I Hate...

So I haven't really posted in awhile, but hopefully the next paragraph will explain why. Basically, I haven't had the best past few weeks, ED-wise. Honestly, I've messed up a ton. Sadly, I can't really bring myself to care enough to stop, and as far as I know, I haven't lost any weight, which is why I feel I have to keep restricting. This is really, really hard for me to write, but I think honesty is really important in this process. I'd really appreciate comments, but I completely understand if you'd rather not comment.

**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!

I hate feeling fat. I hate wanting needing to lose a few pounds. I hate feeling guilty for eating a few extra pieces of cereal after (an inadequate) breakfast. I hate not knowing what I weigh, and if I've lost any weight yet. I hate worrying every moment of the day about what I'm eating. I hate restricting to under 1000 calories, every single day (a couple of days it was around 600), and feeling like crap if I eat a little more than normal. I hate feeling compelled to exercise in my room, even though I walk for 45-60 minutes a day for classes, and sometimes I just don't feel like working out. I hate measuring my thighs and arms every day to see if they've gotten any smaller. I hate looking at older pictures of myself and beating myself up for not looking as tiny anymore. I hate how I constantly worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat. I hate not caring anymore that I'm screwing my metabolism over. I hate that I think 90 pounds is too fat for me and anything over that is out of the question. I hate not seeing results after all my restriction. I hate how I feel proud that my butt starts hurting after only a little while of sitting down. I hate how people never tell me I look skinny anymore and how I have to rely on my own ED-ified brain to figure out if I look okay. I hate that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to have relapsed. I hate that I'm determined to be 85 pounds again, despite how underweight that is. I hate that I'm so obsessed with being skinny, and I'll probably never be skinny enough. I hate that I feel like I have to eat and exercise this way in order to stay healthy. I hate that I think I'll never be truly recovered...


  1. I'm really sorry that you're struggling at the moment! I can identify completely with the feelings you describe- I often feel the same, and it sucks. One of the main things which has motivated me in recovery is knowing that restricting will NOT make me happy with myself or my body: reducing my calorie intake just makes me feel as though I need to reduce it even more.
    Even so, I totally believe that it is possible to be truly recovered. You do need to persevere but it WILL be worth it in the end.

  2. Ash,

    First off, *HUG* I'm sorry to see you struggling, because you are such an incredible person and you don't deserve to be in so much pain! <3 Reading this post made me wish we didn't live a gazillion miles apart- I would have given you a hug and offered to eat some meals with you for moral support. It goes without saying, I think, that I can completely identify with how you're feeling right now and what you're going through. Giving into the ED is so painful but so difficult to resist at times, so my heart goes out to you.

    While I completely understand where you're coming from and empathize with you, I also believe in your strength and ability to overcome all of this, and I know you know that for your own health and happiness you need to fight these ED urges with all of your might. Although your ED is telling you right now that you will only be happy if you get down to 85 pounds, I know that Ash- the true Ash that is underneath the ED- knows that this is a lie. No matter how much weight you lose it will never be enough, and no amount of weight loss is going to make you happy. In fact, all of this restriction is only going to make you feel worse in both the short-term and the long-run, since our body image gets more and more distorted as we lose weight and give into the ED, and malnutrition biologically throws one's body into a depression. You've been down this road before and you've fought your way back, so I know you can fight your way back again- but you have to want it enough to face your fears and you have to be willing to risk being uncomfortable in your body for a little while. I can honestly say that while the beginning of my recovery was super painful, I am finally at the place where I see all of the rewards of it- and even on my worst body image/ED thought day, I am not tempted to do any sort of big time restriction like I used to. I promise it gets easier and I promise it's worth it. You've come so far, you're such a strong and beautiful person who is so much more than this illness, and I know you can get past this. But like I said, you have to want it enough to take these big scary risks.

    When I was struggling with recovery motivation, my dietitian reminded me that if I gave recovery a real shot- weight gain and all- I could always choose to go back to the ED if I didn't feel better and happier in a healthier place. She told me, though, that she doubted that when I got to that point I would want to go back to the ED. She was right. It helped me to think that choosing recovery wouldn't be this point of no return and maybe thinking of recovery that way will help you, but now that I barely consciously restrict anymore I have no desire to go back to the ED.

    I know you probably don't want to hear this (or maybe your ED doesn't want to hear this), but I strongly encourage you to look into getting some outpatient treatment. I know you've mentioned that you don't see a dietitian or therapist any more, but I think it would be helpful to try that again, possibly try new people if your old doctors didn't feel helpful to you (I went through a lot of ineffective doctors, but finding the right treatment for me has made all of the difference). You've made a lot of remarkable progress on your own, but I know that I personally would not be where I am today without professional help and support. Please seek further support- you deserve it.

    I hope I didn't push you away with any of this advice, but I'm saying it because I care about you and because I want to see you happy and healthy and free of this painful illness. Contact me ANYTIME you want support- I've got your back! I believe in you, girl.


  3. I want to give you a big hug too. Although, you are much, much thinner than I, I can relate to the obsession with wanting to be thin and the fear of never getting there or sustaining it. I wish I had something profound to say to help but all I can say is that I feel a great deal of sympathy for you. I think you are such a beautiful girl and wish so much that we could all learn to love the way we look. Just keep trying to move forward the best you can. <3

  4. Haven't heard from you in a long time. I hope all is okay...


  5. Ash, you WILL get over this.
    And you are so far from fat it is ridiculous.
    Pray to the Lord, and put all of your worries in His hands.
    I miss and love you
    <3 Haley


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