Long Time No Blog!

Hi everyone! I know I haven't blogged in what seems like forever--almost 2 and a half months! I hate to have left you guys hanging with such a downer of a post, so I decided to come back.


I just got 2 very sweet comments on my last post that really made me realize that I miss this blogging community. I actually haven't completely left blogging really--I'm just doing more of it over at almostveggirlie, since I discovered that Wordpress is a lot easier to use. And I also wanted to try to focus less on my eating disorder and more about the rest of my life. 


I am definitely doing a lot better since I posted last. Yes, I am still struggling with feeling okay with eating a good amount, but my body image is much stronger now. I don't hate what I see in the mirror every day, and that is amazing. I am somewhat alright with eating 'indulgences' like froyo and falafel. I don't want to starve my body and mind of what it needs. Sure, I sometimes don't eat enough but I am definitely working on fueling myself the right way. And I think if I do that, my body image will improve even more. There are hard days for sure, but I have to say most days are great.


I had a wonderful Thanksgiving break last week with my family, and I'm so ready to be done with this semester. It's definitely getting stressful with all the finals and projects, but I know that I'll enjoy Christmas break even more if I just push through all this hard stuff. And it's a month off from school, who wouldn't want that?!


So I hope you guys will all come back and read over here (if I decide to keep posting on this blog) or read my Wordpress blog if you want a lot of random posts about food, fashion and my life in general. Hope you all have been doing well and I'll definitely try to catch up on commenting on all your blogs.


Ash :)

I Hate...

So I haven't really posted in awhile, but hopefully the next paragraph will explain why. Basically, I haven't had the best past few weeks, ED-wise. Honestly, I've messed up a ton. Sadly, I can't really bring myself to care enough to stop, and as far as I know, I haven't lost any weight, which is why I feel I have to keep restricting. This is really, really hard for me to write, but I think honesty is really important in this process. I'd really appreciate comments, but I completely understand if you'd rather not comment.

**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!


I hate feeling fat. I hate wanting needing to lose a few pounds. I hate feeling guilty for eating a few extra pieces of cereal after (an inadequate) breakfast. I hate not knowing what I weigh, and if I've lost any weight yet. I hate worrying every moment of the day about what I'm eating. I hate restricting to under 1000 calories, every single day (a couple of days it was around 600), and feeling like crap if I eat a little more than normal. I hate feeling compelled to exercise in my room, even though I walk for 45-60 minutes a day for classes, and sometimes I just don't feel like working out. I hate measuring my thighs and arms every day to see if they've gotten any smaller. I hate looking at older pictures of myself and beating myself up for not looking as tiny anymore. I hate how I constantly worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat. I hate not caring anymore that I'm screwing my metabolism over. I hate that I think 90 pounds is too fat for me and anything over that is out of the question. I hate not seeing results after all my restriction. I hate how I feel proud that my butt starts hurting after only a little while of sitting down. I hate how people never tell me I look skinny anymore and how I have to rely on my own ED-ified brain to figure out if I look okay. I hate that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to have relapsed. I hate that I'm determined to be 85 pounds again, despite how underweight that is. I hate that I'm so obsessed with being skinny, and I'll probably never be skinny enough. I hate that I feel like I have to eat and exercise this way in order to stay healthy. I hate that I think I'll never be truly recovered...

It's No Joking Matter

Hi girlies! Sorry I haven't been around lately. I honestly have had no writing inspiration at all...until today, that is.

Last night, I happened to catch part of an educational show called "Fighting Fat". It was all about obesity, as you can imagine, and they were talking about different ways to combat the issue.

The only part I really saw was an interview with one woman who'd gone through gastric bypass surgery and had lost a lot of weight. However, she still wasn't at a healthy weight and she admitted to that. I think she was a stand-up comedian, and they showed one of her shows. She joked that "luckily, I've overcome my anorexia". Everyone in the audience laughed at that, but it made my heart twinge a little. I realized at that moment that jokes about anorexia really don't make me feel good.

I never really thought about it before, probably because I've never really encountered stuff like that. But I honestly really hate when people joke about it (especially people who have never personally experienced it) or when they belittle it. Anorexia (and all eating disorders) are real diseases that affect a lot of people--not just those that have it. So in my book, making fun of it or saying "Why don't you just eat?" are not okay.

There are so many misconceptions about EDs that I could go on an on about, but all I want to say is that they ARE NOT a choice--they are a disease just like cancer and ADHD. Anorexics aren't just vain girls (and guys) that stop eating so they can look better. There are real psychological issues behind the disorder and it's time that people start realizing that.

What do you think about eating disorder jokes?

Feeling Hot Hot Hot...Or Not

Hey girlies, thanks for all the wise words on my last post. They were just what I needed to get back on track with my eating.

My first week of my sophomore year is almost over (!) and so far, I've been enjoying it. I like my classes for the most part (minus statistics, but I hate math anyways) and I'm really loving having my own room. It's been amazing to be able to come back after classes and just relax and not have to deal with a roommate, and be able to wake up and go to sleep whenever I want.

That's my schedule for this semester. You probably can't read it, plus some of the classes aren't shown in the picture, so I'll just give you all a quick rundown. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday I have Individual & Family Development at 10, then Public Relations at 1. Friday I also have a Statistics recitation at 3. On Tuesday and Thursday, I have Statistics at 9 (I hate having class this early, but it hasn't been too awful yet), American West Since 1900 at 11 (it's a history class) and then Newswriting at 1. I really love the newswriting class, since it's in my major and my professor is super funny. And the class is really small, like 15 people, so I feel like it's more personal. It's weird because I'm in two 300 level classes, which I guess are usually mostly juniors, so whenever I go to those classes, the professors are like "You guys are so mature. Well then again, you are juniors!" Haha, it makes me feel really mature, since I'm just a sophomore.

So I was feeling great all week...until yesterday. Around lunch, I started feeling sick, but in a weird way. I had a strange feeling in my throat and some nausea, but I brushed it off and went to class. By the time I got there, I was feeling worse. I could barely concentrate during class because I thought I was going to throw up (TMI, sorry). Plus I was suddenly freezing, even though it was 90+ degrees outside.

Well, I made it through class and then walked back to my room. As soon as I got back, I tried to sleep. I was alternating between being too cold and too hot and I still felt crappy. But I was able to nap for almost 2 hours, and I felt a little better afterwards. I looked up my symptoms on WebMD and I guessed that I had heat exhaustion. Definitely a possibility, since I had been walking to and from classes for 45 minutes in 90 degree heat.

After my nap, I was kinda hungry so I had a small snack. But afterwards, I felt horrible again. At this point, the ED voice kicked in and was telling me that obviously, eating was out of the question, since I felt sick again afterwards. But...I was able to push those voices aside and I was able to eat a small dinner and a nighttime snack. I knew I had to fuel my body, even though it didn't make me feel awesome.

Today, I've still been feeling a little "off" but definitely much better. And I've continued to fuel my body, because I know it needs it.

Have you ever dealt with heat exhaustion? If you're in college (or ever were), what is/was your favorite class?

Back-to-School Blues & Hunger Cues

So my sophomore year starts tomorrow, and I can't believe where the summer's gone. I'm kind of sad it's almost over, but also excited to start the new school year fresh. I'm really hoping it'll be a lot better than last year. I liked last year, but I wasn't on the best of terms with my freshman year roommate and it kind of soured my experience. This year, I'm still in the dorms, but in a much nicer and newer building (with air conditioning!) and I have a room to myself. I do have to share a bathroom with 2 other girls, so I'm really hoping we hit it off or at least have a better relationship than my ex-roomie and I had. So far, they and a lot of other people (including guys!) on my floor seem really nice so I'm hoping everything goes well.

Move-in weekend was a lot smoother than last year for sure. My dad and I drove up Friday morning, grabbed lunch at Qdoba and then got to unloading the car. We took several trips up and down three flights of stairs and the elevator, but we got all of it in. My mom and sister drove up later and we unloaded the rest of the stuff and then headed over to the hotel we were staying at over the weekend. Then we got some dinner at one of my favorite places, Mad Greens. I've gotta admit, I've been kind of restricting a lot this weekend, not necessarily on purpose but my hunger has been out of whack since Saturday and it's freaking me out. Now I think it's back, but I still feel that pull towards continuing restricting so I'm not sure how that's going to go down this week, especially with all the stressage from new classes. I ended up getting a salad with baby greens, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, cannellini beans and tofu and I really just did not like the taste of it, so I barely ate any of it. But I did steal some bites of pita from my dad's panini so at least I did eat something.



Qdoba Naked Fajita Burrito with lime rice, black beans, pico de gallo and grilled veggies


Saturday we woke up bright and early at a quarter to 9. I had a small breakfast of Bear Naked granola and green grapes, since I still wasn't hungry, but I had a little breakdown when my mom insisted that I eat the Light 'n Fit yogurt she brought up from the breakfast buffet in the lobby. I was mostly upset because it wasn't my usual organic Greek yogurt with tons of protein (this yogurt only had 3 grams!) and natural ingredients. I ate a tiny bit and then threw out the rest when she wasn't looking. I really felt sneaky, like I did back in my ED days when I'd throw my food in the trash and never got caught. But honestly, the yogurt tasted way too sweet and chemical-y for me so I couldn't eat any more of it.

After getting some things at the store (including another mini fridge so I could turn it into a makeshift freezer), we headed back to the hotel for a quick lunch. My hunger was still mostly MIA, so I just ended up having most of a 200-calorie vegan tortilla soup (delish, BTW) and some grapes. The sad thing was, I actually felt guilty for eating that much because my mom only had some crackers and hummus because she wasn't hungry, either.

The parentals left for the rest of the afternoon to go on brewery tours so my sis and I just chilled at the hotel. We went to the pool for a little bit, played around with the radio in the room and people-watched from our third-story window. Some time during the afternoon, I finally felt a little hunger pang so I had some multigrain chips that I brought along. At this point, the hunger wouldn't go away, so I had some more grapes and a little granola. Of course, I felt incredibly guilty for eating this much, even though I was hungry.

We went out to dinner at a new-to-us place called Beach House Grill. At first, I didn't think I was going to like it, but I ended up getting something I really loved. For the first time all weekend, I feel like I actually ate a decent amount, even though it was pretty low-cal: a few small pieces of grilled mahi mahi in lettuce wraps, with fruit salsa and black beans and rice on the side. I also tried some of the green salsa and it was really spicy, so I had to drink a lot of water. I ended up feeling uncomfortably full after dinner (because of all the water), so again I felt guilty. I did end up feeling hungry again later so I had a small snack of Whole Foods sandwich cookies and raisins.



Some gorgeous flowers at the CSU gardens


Today has been rough eating-wise, too. I had an okay breakfast, a salad of just greens and grapes at lunch, some delicious birthday cake and soy chocolate gelato (best thing I've had all weekend!) for a snack and then my floor went to the dining hall for dinner together and I ended up just getting a salad with carrots and a few sunflower seeds with grapes on the side. Definitely not enough fuel, considering I've been running around campus and town most of the day. I tried to make up for it by having some multigrain chips and pineapple earlier, but I know I didn't eat enough.



I think I could just live on gelato...


Right now, I'm just incredibly exhausted from the weekend and stressed out about school. The last thing I need to think about now is food...which is exactly why I'm slipping. And now that I've had this slip-up last all weekend, it's so much easier to keep giving in and eat less and less. I haven't felt the urge to restrict in a long time, but it's back again. And I don't know what to do...


What do you do to get back on track after days of eating less?

Happy Herbivore

I mentioned in this post a while back that I was seriously considering vegetarianism. I honestly think it's completely sickening how most animals are treated and on top of that, I just can't really stomach meat anymore. It doesn't appeal to me whatsoever, not even seafood as much.

This summer, my mom's kinda been on my case about my eating, which has been a little annoying but understandable. Mostly, she was just upset that I haven't really been eating meat at all lately. It's been a while since I actually ate a substantial amount of chicken or fish--if it's been part of a meal, I just kind of picked around it. But...this isn't another form of restriction. It's because I really just don't want to eat meat anymore, for ethical and personal reasons.  It just grosses me out now.

My mom talked to me a few days ago about this, and I was surprised to hear her say that a vegan diet has been shown to be helpful in eating disorder recovery. She just wants to make sure that I get enough calcium (I'm going to start taking a supplement and I'll still be eating Greek yogurt--so not fully vegan) and fats. Eating enough fat has been really hard for me during my ED and now in recovery, but now I'm going to be more committed to eating enough healthy fats.

So basically, I'm going mostly vegan. I will still have some dairy occasionally, but most of it doesn't appeal to me, besides my beloved Greek yogurt and gelato. I'm going to focus on high-quality plant proteins, such as beans, quinoa and tempeh (all things I love, BTW) and also on fats, like nuts, almond butter and avocado. This is NOT another way for me to fall back on ED, though. Eating vegetarian or mostly vegan really does make me feel my healthiest and happiest and I think eating this way could help me on the road to recovery. I will NOT allow myself to fall back into the "low fat" and "low calorie" trap again. I want to sustain this lifestyle so I can be as healthy as possible. I won't use this new way of eating disguise my anorexia or orthorexia. I really believe that this will be a challenge to me--I may have to go out of my comfort zone and try something new and "scary". But it's a challenge I'm more than willing to try!

One of my fave new veg finds is the Whole Foods hot/cold bars--I love the curried tofu quinoa salad and the maple roasted sweet potatoes!

Just a note, I'm not trying to advocate that this is a perfect lifestyle for everyone. Every person has different needs and preferences and this is just what works for me best.

What changes have you made to your eating habits that have helped you in your recovery?

Being Honest With Myself

This is a really hard post for me to write. A lot of my recent posts have been all bubbly and happy, and part of me is like that right now. I've got most of August to look forward to before I go back to school, I had a great birthday on Wednesday and life is pretty good for me right now. But another part of me feels enslaved--to ED--and also robotic, like I'm just going through the motions of my life without really feeling anything.

I think it all started on my birthday. It started out really well, but as the day progressed, I started feeling a twinge of guilt. I woke up early, like 6, because my mom and I were going to the IKEA grand opening. So I didn't get a chance to do my normal morning workout. We ate out at Panera for lunch (I got the strawberry poppyseed salad and barely ate any of the chicken). I was exhausted by the time we got home because we'd been practically running around the store for 2 hours trying to find the things we wanted to buy. So I only ended up doing 10 minutes of a cardio circuit and 10 minutes of yoga. Then my dad got home and we all went out to eat at Pei Wei. I got my usual Vietnamese chicken salad rolls, and ate two out of 3 of them, but also some edamame and some of my dad's brown rice and peanuts. And then later at home, we had some birthday gelato and I got a little bit extra. I felt horribly horribly fat and guilty. But come on, it was my birthday. I have the right to indulge, and they weren't even big indulgences. But I still felt bad.

Since then, I've been feeling like I'm eating more, even though I'm not really. I mentally beat myself up if I eat a few extra pieces of cereal or some raisins. I even restricted yesterday on purpose by only having some fruit at snack. I know I should be fueling myself more, especially since I played an hour of tennis yesterday, but I just can't. It feels...good to give in to ED. I feel like I'm strong and in control when really, I'm slipping, slowly but surely. I don't think I'm losing weight (I haven't weighed myself in a month I think) but that might be an ED trick. I noticed this week that I had a slightly lighter period than usual, but I didn't really think much about it. I'm on birth control, so I don't know if minor weight loss or undernourishment can cause changes in menstruation.

I think I'm giving in to ED because my recovery seems to be going no where. I still exercise on a daily basis, always at least 40 minutes. My calf has been hurting a lot lately, but I ignore the pain. The thing is, exercising isn't even that fun anymore. I feel like a robot programmed to do it every day, but I'm getting burned out.

I've been doing okay body-image wise. Not the best, but not too bad either. I've been feeling for a long time that if I could just lose 5 or so pounds, I would be a lot happier about how I look. I mean, I weighed that much for at least two years prior to ED. Why isn't it an okay weight now? I know that my BMI would be at 16 if I lost only a few pounds (BMI is stupid, but still), but I just feel so uncomfortable where I am right now. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I was at a healthy weight, even at the very low end of the scale.

So honestly, I don't even know where my recovery is going right now. I'm still eating fairly normally, but I sometimes worry that my metabolism is slow because I don't eat 1800 calories or whatever it is that's supposed to be a healthy number for maintenance. I don't think I could ever eat that much food. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near a dangerous level but I'm wondering if all this exercise plus not quite enough fuel is slowing down my metabolism. I really just don't know. Here's the thing: I definitely don't want to give up all the progress I've made over 2 years, but I'm scared to let go of ED. So it's a balancing act, and I don't know which side will win out...

Have you ever had to be honest with yourself about something that's hard to face?

Way Back Wednesday: "At 19, Everything is Possible and Tomorrow Looks Friendly."

19 years ago today, I was born in Desert Samaritan Hospital in Phoenix, AZ. I don't remember anything about that day (obviously!) except what my parents have told me--it was at the beginning of the 1992 Summer Olympics (held in Barcelona), my mom was in labor for about 36 hours before I was delivered by C-section and it was super-hot, in the 110s.

In those 19 years, I've accomplished a lot, been through a lot, probably more than I'd have ever imagined. As a little girl, I thought my life as a teenager would be carefree and easy, just like on TV shows. On my birthday every year, I dug into my cake without caring about how many calories or fat were in it. I just enjoyed the moment and didn't worry about what would happen to me in the next year. A lot has changed since then, but I'm still that innocent, fun-loving little girl at heart.

To celebrate, I decided to share 19 moments that have happened over the years that were important to me, shaped me as a person or were just fun.

[Age 1]: I learned to talk at 9 months (and haven't stopped since ;) )


8 months old (sorry about the bad photo quality--I had to take a picture of a picture!)

[Age 2]: We moved to Colorado Springs from Arizona.

14 months old

[Age 3]: I started taking dance classes--and didn't stop until I was 15!

[Age 4]: Preschool. My mom wanted to hold me back, because I was younger than most of the other kids and not as socially-mature, but my dad persuaded her to let me start kindergarten.

First dance recital

 [Age 5]: Kindergarten. On the first day, I marched off into class and didn't look back! I wish school was that easy again...

[Age 6]: I got my first think-it-through (an elementary school discipline thing) and it made me so upset that I lied to my parents (for the first time ever, I think!) about it.

[Age 7]: I started second grade at a new elementary school.



Easter! I always loved digging into my basket and devouring the candy (especially Jelly Bellies)

  [Age 8]: I met my (former) best friend, Jenna. We were inseperable until high school.

[Age 9]: I fractured my right ankle and had to be in a cast (glow-in-the-dark!) for a couple of months. I was in karate and acro dance at the time, but we never figured out exactly how I broke it. I was just disappointed that I didn't get to use crutches LOL!

[Age 10]: I started playing soccer with the YMCA in the fall (my team was the Golden Buffaloes).




I remember many camping trips when I was younger


[Age 11]: I got my ears pierced for my 11th birthday, but six months later, one of of them got infected and I ended up having to go to urgent care to get it taken out! Needless to say, I never got anything pierced after that!

[Age 12]: I started playing the tenor saxophone for my middle school band and jazz band. Yes, I used to be a band geek!

[Age 13]: I celebrated my 13th birthday with a sleepover and mall scavenger hunt with some of my friends.

[Age 14]: I started high school.




I also started a fashion blog (this was one of my first pictures for it)

 [Age 15]: I got my driver's permit, quit dance and joined the Yearbook staff.

Family vacay

[Age 16]: I got my license (and later, started recovering from my eating disorder).

[Age 17]: I graduated high school in May.



Graduation night!


[Age 18]: I started (and got through) my first year of college.

[Age 19]: Nothing yet--but I'm starting my sophomore year, I'm living on my own...who knows what may happen!



Ready to take on the world (at almost 19)!

What is one of your favorite birthday memories?

I Suck At Moderation

Hi guys, sorry I've been MIA over here lately. I could say it's because I'm really busy or because I'm having lots of fun (both true) but the real reason is because I've been having such a hard time coming up with a topic to post on. But today I finally have one, and it's about moderation.


On the Today Show this morning, there was this little bit about how everything in moderation is really good for you. I wasn't really watching it, but my mom started talking to me and my sister (I have a feeling she was talking more to me...) about this thing she saw about this woman whose doctor told her that she could eat everything she wanted to, only in small portions, to lose weight. Apparently, it worked for her. Then I started thinking about how moderation and I do not get along. At all. I mean, having an eating disorder, by definition, is the opposite of moderation. For me, it means restriction, avoiding foods I deem unhealthy and feeling like I have to exercise every single day.


I feel like moderation is something that works for some people, but not for me! That is probably another stupid lie ED is feeding me, but that's how I feel. I think that if I eat some ice cream, or real French fries--even in a normal, or small amount--that I will become HUGE and I'll love the food so much that I'll have it on a regular basis, and that would be bad. Logically, that's probably not true, but I've become so attached to eating as healthily as possible that it's really hard to let it go. Honestly, I don't think anything's wrong with the way I eat now but some people might view it as restrictive. I eat organic whenever possible and I look for foods that give me a lot of bang for my nutritional buck--things like rolled oats, fruits & veggies, unsweetened soy milk, sprouted grain tortillas, Pure bars, beans and almond butter. None of those things are bad at all, but the problem is that I cut out other things to make room for those things. For instance, now I refuse to drink cow's milk (even skim) or eat corn tortillas, just because at one point I deemed those "less than healthy". There's nothing wrong with eating healthy, as long as it doesn't go too far. It did for me, and now I still struggle with orthorexia. However, I have to admit that eating healthy actually does make me feel a lot better, but I wish I could do it in a way that's balanced, not restrictive.






Fruit is great, but you shouldn't eliminate other things to eat it

 I've talked about my recent addiction to exercise. Everyone knows that being active is a good thing, but what about if you can't go a day without it? What if you feel guilty for only working out for 45 minutes when you could have gone at least an hour? What if you feel like you have to exercise in order to eat a normal amount? That's when I think exercise has become an unhealthy obsession. I'd like moderation in this area of my life too.






I'd like to workout when I want to

 Basically, right now I really suck at moderation. I'm so much better with not restricting the amount I eat (though I still deal with that, too) but I'm having such a hard time letting go of my rigid food rules and exercise schedule.


Do you "suck" at moderation, too?

A Wakeup Call

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, I've gotten busy and it sorta slipped my mind. Don't worry, I'm still here and I've still been reading and commenting on all your lovely blogs.

Today I've got my second vlog for you all. This one is definitely more serious than my first one but I hope it speaks to you in some way. I was inspired to be honest by Jess's recent vlog. I thought the best way to tell you how I'm feeling is through a vlog, so here goes! If you are unable to watch it, it's basically about my struggles with body dysmorphia. If you have any advice, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!

The Comparison Trap

Recovery from an eating disorder is rough, but there's no doubt that it's also a learning experience. As we progress, we learn new things about ourselves that ED covered up and we also discover our strengths and weaknesses. Through my personal journey, I'm realizing that I do have things to offer the world and that I'm not afraid to share my emotions when the time is right. However, I recognize that I still struggle with comparing myself to others, whether it's with food, appearance or just success in life.

Growing up with a younger sister, my life always seemed to be a competition. When I was younger, I had to 'compete' for attention from my parents. I had to learn to be a big sister, and remember that I was not an only child anymore. Later on, when we both started developing interests, we competed against each other to see who could be the 'best'. It didn't help that for awhile we were both involved in a lot of the same things, like dance and acting, so it seemed like one of us would always come out ahead. It was the same with school. I'm four grades ahead of my sister, but I always felt inadequate and stupid when my sister would come home with straight A's and I'd have a mix of A's and B's. Sometimes I still feel competitive but I try to remind myself that we're each great in our own ways and there's no point in trying to be 'better' than the other one.



Me and my sister at a competitive age (I'm on the right)

 With my eating disorder, I still struggle with comparing myself to other people. I'll see a girl at the store about my height and instantly think I'm fatter than her. Even though comparing yourself to others is never a good thing, it's better if you're at least comparing yourself to someone similar. Most of the time I compare myself to these random girls, I'm 99% positive that they're a few years younger than me. ED says "Yeah, they might be younger than you but they're the same height as you and they're skinnier." But really, why am I wasting my time comparing my body to someone's who may not have even gone through puberty yet? I'm an adult woman in college, I don't need to look like a little girl. I'm naturally petite but that doesn't mean I have to look like I'm still in middle school.



I like to take dorky pics of myself and that's okay ;)

 I also compare what I eat to what others eat. Sometimes, I check out healthy living blogs and while a lot of them are very positive and show a healthy mix of eating and exercise (like Carrie's and Megan's), some of them aren't. I see what they eat and think I can do the same. I feel guilty for not eating as 'cleanly' as some of them do. I eat pretty healthily-- mini Clif bars and organic froyo are my 'junk food' (just to clarify, I'm not saying that I think it's bad if people choose to eat more processed foods, it's just my personal preference not to)--but I feel bad when I see some of these people doing sugar free challenges because even though I don't eat white sugar, I still have a big sweet tooth. One thing I have learned: everyone's different, what works for one person won't necessarily work for you. It's okay to get recipe inspiration or whatever, but don't try to copy everything someone else eats. Just do what feels right for you, whether it's veganism, meat-eating, intuitive eating, meal planning or whatever. Stop the comparison game, and you'll feel so much better!



I've found what works for me: seafood/fish every so often, veggies and LOTS of fruit...



...with some yummy gelato once in awhile :)

 Q's: Have you ever compared what you eat to what others eat? What about body comparison?

Memorial Day is for Shopping!

Hi everybody! Have you all been having a fantastic weekend so far? Hope you’re enjoying your day off (if you have one)!

My weekend has been busy, just the way I like it. Sometimes I just like to stay home and chill, but I get bored after about a day of that. I like getting out of the house and doing something, it doesn’t necessarily have to cost money. However, my day yesterday definitely required a little spending, which I didn’t mind at all!

In the two weeks I’ve been home so far, I’ve been doing a lot of chores around the house. I’m not a huge fan of some of these chores (hello, cleaning the bathroom!) but if I can earn some money and make my mom happy, then I’m more than willing to do it. I’ve also been making “wish lists” of clothes I wanted to buy and when I finally made enough money to justify a shopping trip, I went! My mom and sister tagged along (even though my sister had no money) and so began our afternoon of shopping!

I ended up buying 5 things yesterday and (almost) ran out of money. At Hollister, I bought a red floral romper for $20, a pair of coral flip-flops for $10 and a pair of khaki shorts for $18. Oh, and I also had a coupon to take 30% off my entire purchase, so everything ended up costing only $35! What a steal!



Romper



Flip-flops



Khaki shorts



Next we hit up American Eagle. This weekend only, everything in the store was 30% off! Of course I had to check it out. I left with a lime green striped oversize tee that I got for $18.



Lime green tee and denim shorts



Finally, we went to Abercrombie Kids. I know that it’s technically a kids store, but their sizes go up to a kids size 16, so I can usually find something that fits me for a lower price than a similar style at Abercrombie & Fitch. I scored a pair of cuffed denim shorts for a little over $20!

We also stopped for some gelato on our way home. Gelazzi is the best place for gelato EVER, so if you’re ever in the Denver or Fort Collins area, make sure you check them out. I got half birthday cake, half soy chocolate and was not disappointed!

Back at home, I tried my stuff on. I was slightly anxious when I realized that the shorts and the romper fit a little tighter than I expected them to. Not skintight by any means, but I’m used to my clothes fitting kinda loosely. The tee was of course pretty roomy, but I was expecting the rest of my stuff to fit differently. I have shorts that I bought just a couple of months ago from the same stores, and they’re in the same sizes and fit a little looser. I asked my mom what she thought and she thought they fit me fine. The romper was what I was most anxious about, since I’ve heard rompers are supposed to fit loosely. Mine only has a few inches of space in the body and a little more room in the legs, but I still feel a little self-conscious in it.

Here’s my dilemma: I love to shop, but the way clothes fit me and the size I wear both make me really nervous. If I have to go up a size (just because the cut is different) I will usually end up not buying it. I usually look for clothes that aren’t body skimming, but more flowy and loose. I wish I could feel more confident in clothes that fit my body well, but I feel like they show off my body too much. Right now, I’m really struggling to like what I see in the mirror. Every time I take a picture of myself, I think my thighs and arms look huge and my stomach is so round. I honestly don’t know if that’s what I actually look like or what ED is telling me I look like. I just wish for one day that I could see myself the way I truly am. I’m so sick of this body dysmorphia.

Q’s: Do you like to shop? How do you combat your ‘bad body’ days?

OMGM!

Thank you so so so much for your sweet responses to my last post! I really appreciate them J

I’ve got a LOT of recent eats to share today so be ready for tons of pictures and some unsponsored reviews of products I’ve tried!

First, I’ve had my first ever GREEN MONSTER! In case you’re not sure what that is, it’s a smoothie that has some sort of greens mixed in, like spinach or kale. I’ve had two three so far this week and I’m hooked (that’s where the title of the post comes in btw, it means Oh My Green Monster). Even though I like veggies, I find that sometimes it’s hard to get enough in one day without chomping on salads or carrot sticks all day long. I’m also more of a fan of fresh veggies (I can’t stand most cooked ones, except sweet potatoes of course) so that makes it hard too. Until I discovered that mixing in fresh baby spinach with a fruit smoothie doesn’t make it taste any different but adds in a serving of veggies! My first two weren't green but tonight I hit the jackpot: 1/2 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk, 1 chopped up fresh peach and a handful of baby spinach. It was a perfect spring green and delicious!

Mmmmm...green!

Lately, I’ve been noticing millet bread popping up on some food blogs. Some people said it tastes like pound cake so I knew I HAD to try it. I haven’t had pound cake in years (fear food) but I like the taste. I picked up a loaf at Whole Foods last weekend and I was surprised that it was in the freezer section, but I guess it’ll last longer. I had a slice the other day for breakfast topped with crunchy AB and dried raspberries (YUM!) with a spicy veggie sausage patty on the side and a bowl of dark chocolate raspberry overnight oats. I loved the oats, but I wasn’t gaga about the millet bread. The slice was small but dense, but I couldn’t detect any sweetness in the bread, it definitely seemed more savory to me. Not a bad thing, but I was expecting a sweet bread perfect for breakfast. I’ll just have to eat the rest alongside a salad or soup at lunchtime.

I wish it tasted like pound cake...

Call me crazy, but I’d never had a fresh peach or apricot prior to a week ago! My dad picked some up from the store, and I fell in love. Sorry berries, I still love you guys too, but apricots are the bomb dot com!

I made dinner for my family on Monday night. I haven’t done that in a while and I missed doing that. My favorite way to cook during the summer is using the grill, so I picked out a few yummy recipes and I got to grilling. I made grilled mahi mahi (my favorite type of fish) topped with a strawberry pico de gallo with strawberry melon gazpacho on the side (check out my recipe page for the recipes). And I made strawberry lemonade popsicles for dessert. It was my first time making popsicles from scratch and it was super easy and they turned out great. I made sure to get some organic lemonade concentrate from Whole Foods because I don’t do the whole HFCS thing.


Gazpacho before blending



I loved this dinner, so summery!

Other than that, my week has been pretty chill, I’ve just been waiting impatiently patiently for the sun to finally come out and filling out job apps. I hope to be able to spend a lot of time outside this weekend and have a relaxing Memorial Day weekend with my family and a possible shopping trip! Enjoy the rest of your week, everyone!

Sorry about the background!

Q’s: Have you ever made a Green Monster? Best new food you’ve tried recently?

I'm So Fly...

Hahaha just kidding, but I’m pretty much writing this on the fly because I’ve been incredibly busy this week. It was my “dead week” this week (or the crazy-busy week before finals, for those of you not in college) and I pretty much had something due every day. On Tuesday, I met up with my ad agency group from my advertising course to go over our presentation that was on Wednesday. It ended up going for 2 full hours, even though we basically did nothing, so I ended up walking back to my room in the dark. But it was all good, it wasn’t too cold and no one attacked me (like I always freak out about at night). Wednesday I had a conference with my composition professor about my big paper due this Thursday and then in the afternoon I had my agency presentation, which went pretty well. I was actually the only freshman in my group, and in the class, too, so I felt like I did just as well as the upperclassmen. Thursday was my first final, and the one I was most freaked out about. It didn’t seem too hard, so I hope I did pretty well on it. Me and my friend in that class always talk about how hard it is, but we both think we did okay on the final. And yesterday was the last day of classes of my freshman year! Gosh, time really does fly!

Today I’m supposed to be studying my butt off, because I have four finals next week! One I’m not at all worried about, because it’s open-note! I just have to take a few notes and I’m good. My other three finals aren’t cumulative, either, so I’m trying not to stress about them too much. I have all of Wednesday to study for the last two, and then after my last final on Thursday, I’m outta here! I’m so ready to be home for three months. I’ve really missed seeing my family for more than just a weekend, having my own bathroom, doing yoga outside and of course, cooking! I hope I can get right back in the kitchen next weekend because microwave cooking is getting really old.

My only stress right now (besides finals, duh!) is packing up all my stuff! Really, I have a lot of stuff in this tiny dorm and it’s all gotta go…home, that is! My family’s coming up tomorrow (yay!) because it’s Mother’s Day and they’re also taking back most of my stuff. So I’ve also got to pack today. I’ve never really minded packing, it’s kind of fun, but I have so much it’s not even funny.

This morning, I went for a nice 20 minute walk around campus. It was so nice…and unusually warm! My weather app on my iPod said it was only 70, but it felt like 80! About halfway through my walk, I started to get lightheaded and my head started to hurt. I really wasn’t sure why, I didn’t feel like 20 minutes was overkill. Now, I’d be lying if I didn’t say my walk was partly ED-fueled, but it was mostly because I wanted to enjoy the sun and warm weather. But when I got back to my dorm, I didn’t feel guilty at all that it was only 20 minutes because of how weird I felt. Don’t worry, I drank a lot of water when I got back and I feel so much better now! Even though I’m still struggling with exercising because ED tells me to, I’m trying to listen to my body, too, and give it what it wants.

A tulip I saw on my walk!

I guess I should probably start studying, so enjoy the rest of your weekend, ladies!

Q’s: What’s the weather like where you are? What are you stressing about now?

So Ready to be Done

Happy Sunday, girlies! I hope you’ve had an amazing weekend, and if you have final exams coming up that you’re not too stressed. I’m just starting to feel the stress and I know it will get worse by next weekend :/

If you couldn’t already tell by the title of my post, I’m so ready to be done with school! This year has gone by really fast, which is sort of scary but also exciting. I can’t wait to be a sophomore in college and start taking classes beyond the boring basic requirements. I’m also really glad that this year’s gone by fast, because of my roommate situation. I won’t go too much into it, I did talk about it in this post if you want some background, but basically she is inconsiderate and kind of unsocial. Now, I’m not the most outgoing person in the world, but I do sometimes randomly start up a conversation with someone I barely know and I’m not generally anxious in social situations. In my opinion, it shouldn’t be that hard to talk to your roommate, especially after an entire school year, but that’s just me. I’m honestly sick and tired of being the one to always start conversations with her that really end up nowhere anyway. It just feels incredibly awkward to me to live with someone and go for days without saying anything to them. I know that if that happened at home, my parents would ask what’s wrong with me! Seriously, all four of us love to talk so it’s pretty much never quiet, which I love. But anyways, I have my last week of classes this week and then finals next week and I’m done by Thursday evening! I’m so excited for summer but I’m not really excited to move all my stuff out of my dorm! That’s gonna be a huge project haha.

The dress I wore a week ago for Easter...except I had to wear a sweater too because it SNOWED :/

But the title of my post also refers to my ‘relationship’ with ED at the moment. Lately, I’ve been really struggling to see my body in a positive light. I haven’t had a full day where I thought I looked awesome, or even alright, in a looooooong time. Sure there are definitely moments where I look at myself and think, “Yeah, I look good!” but they don’t last and it’s making me mad. Today, it’s a little chillier than it has been so I put on some jeans, and I haven’t worn jeans in a few weeks, and this particular pair in over a month. They’ve always been snug, not slouchy like my boyfriend jeans, but they fit. I’ve usually felt a little uncomfortable in them, because I’m not used to how jeans should fit, but the feeling usually goes away after wearing them for a little bit. Today I feel like they are fitting me tighter than ever (though it’s probably ED talking) and I’ve felt so guilty every time I’ve eaten so far. I really hate how my perception of how clothes fit is so screwed up, and how it really gets to me. In fact, I felt compelled by ED to go for a walk around campus today, even though I usually wouldn’t on the weekend, since barely anyone is out and it feels creepy. In a way, I’m glad I did, because there were some other people out, but not so many that it seemed crowded, and I got some time to think. But most of those thoughts were about how fat I feel. I walked for a little more than half an hour, which is a decent amount, but of course it wasn’t enough for ED. Well, screw him! I just want him out of my life. I want to be able to focus on my finals, and then enjoying my summer, without him getting in the way. I’m so ready to be done with ED!

This picture is to piss ED off, because he said I look too fat in it but I think I look cute :)

Q: What are you most excited about this summer?

Dear Ashley...

Dear Ashley,

        Right now, you’re struggling with ‘feeling fat’. You know deep down that fat isn’t a feeling, but you can’t help picking out your flaws every time you pass a mirror. You can’t help comparing your meals to others. You can’t help feeling like a pig when you eat a snack in class or when your roommate’s around. You can’t wait to go home for the summer in two weeks, but you also dread it because then you can’t get away with measuring your food. You long to step on the scale again (in secret, of course) but you fear seeing the number. Anything over 90 or 91 would be devastating. But you know what? You are committed to beating this. Even though there’s a small part of you that wants to lose five pounds, a much bigger part of you knows it will derail your success. Even though you think you look fat, your mom just told you that your legs look too skinny. Even though you don’t think you deserve help, she’s worried about you relapsing. Even though ED tells you that crackers, and apple and a Pure bar are a sufficient and “normal” lunch, they aren’t. Even though the disordered part of you screams at you to run, your foot hurts even when you walk. Even though you feel incredibly guilty for not giving in to ED, it’s for the very best. Everyone who cares for you wants the best for your life, and anorexia is just the opposite. Remember that you are worth recovery and you should be proud of how far you’ve come.

With Love, Ashley

P.S. Don't ever doubt that you're beautiful!

*No questions tonight, but I encourage you to write a letter to yourself if you’re struggling or just need a little boost! I think it really helps me to just get the words out there and be honest with myself.

Body Checkin'

Wassup? Hahaha, okay I’m not really gangsta, but try telling that to me a few months ago ;) Just kidding!



Oh yeah, I'm legit ;)



So…yeah, today I thought I would take on a serious topic that I’ve been dealing with for a very long time—body checking. I think a lot of people with EDs do it, it’s just a ‘normal’ thing, but I really hate how sneaky it can be. Half the time I don’t even notice that I’m doing it, which is really annoying, because now that I think about it, I do it a lot. A lot a lot.

For me, body checking has always been more focused on actually feeling different parts of my body. I do have a habit of checking myself in mirrors, too, but I don’t have to look in every mirror or window I pass, just a few that I encounter every day, like the one in my dorm’s bathroom. My real bad habit is checking to see if I can still feel my ribs, hipbones, spine, etc. Unless I’m really focused on doing homework or just having fun with someone, I probably body check a couple of times every hour. Yeah, it’s a little obsessive. I just hate that I still do it, even though I’m in recovery. Actually, the strange thing is I can’t remember ever doing it before I started recovering two years ago, even when I was really deep into anorexia. I remember checking myself in mirrors more often and measuring my thighs and arms, but never body checking. The first time I can distinctly remember it is a few days after my parents confronted me about my ED. I was sitting in the car with my mom waiting for my sister to be done with a play rehearsal, and we were just talking and I remember feeling my ribs over and over. No one has ever noticed it, or at least no one’s ever said anything to me about it. So I just keep doing it.

I’m struggling a lot less with strong ED urges, and I don’t act on them, but this body checking thing is a really bad habit that I want to get rid of forever. I don’t want to be constantly doing this for the rest of my life, even if no one else notices or cares, it still just feels weird. It feels like I’m still controlled by ED, and I don’t want that! I’m starting to pay attention to when I do it and ask myself why. I think it’s still a deep-rooted fear that I’m gonna get fat, but it’s also just a stupid habit that often has no reason at all. Anyways, I’m working on trying to stop it, or at least cut down on how often it happens. I want to be completely free of ED someday, and the only way that can happen is if I kick bad habits to the curb.

Q’s: Do you, or have you ever body checked? If you stopped, how did you do it?

What I Ate Monday

Hey everyone! I loved all your comments on my last post about shopping! It’s so great to be able to wear clothes you love and feel good in them.

I’ve been wanting to do a post covering all the food I eat in a typical day, and Kimi’s recent post (thanks girl!) inspired me to do it. I’m nervous for the reaction I might get, but everyone’s different, especially when it comes to how much food you need. I have been maintaining on roughly this amount (1500-1600 calories) for several months, with small fluctuations, so it definitely works for me. So, just a warning, don’t compare yourself to anyone! Some people need to eat more, some less but it’s all okay as long as you’re healthy! So…here goes! But first, a close-up of the very yummy PB&J I had on Saturday night. It’s called the Prickly Cactus, and it has multigrain bread, raspberry-jalapeno jelly, chipotle PB, baby spinach and chopped peanuts sprinkled on it. It was spicy and so different than a normal PB&J but so much better!

Mmmm, spicy!





Now onto what I ate yesterday! I started out my morning with some mocha overnight oats. First time I tried this combination, and it was so good, plus it gave me a little caffeine burst! Basically just quick rolled oats, some almond milk (just tried it yesterday and it’s the best) and half a packet of Starbucks mocha Via instant coffee. On the side was a spicy veggie sausage pattie and a Medjool date stuffed with crunchy almond butter.

Looks yucky, but so yummy

I had a very brown breakfast, apparently

Lunch, as usual, was on-the-go between classes. I packed an Apple Cinnamon Pure bar (not my favorite flavor, but still good), Kashi TLC crackers with crunchy almond butter, water and a big juicy Pink Lady apple!





I also packed an afternoon snack, since Mondays/Wednesdays/Fridays are my days that I have four hours in a row of classes and I don’t go back to my dorm til around 6. I love making my own trail mixes so that’s what I did: a serving of Udi’s cranberry granola (I love that it’s made in my state, but surprisingly, I never tried it before), a handful of Annie’s Pretzel Bunnies (so cute!) and some Cocoa Roast almonds.

Trail mix!



Close-up of the pretzel bunnies (and carrot)--ignore the words haha



I didn't eat this bunny! My grandma sent this for Easter...it's too cute :)

I was really looking forward to dinner, because it was leftovers from my vegan gyro. Surprisingly, I wasn’t really hungry around dinner, but I ate what I was planning on anyway. The rest of the gyro, some baby carrots and a homemade peppermint mocha (made with half a mocha Starbucks Via, water, Truvia and 1/4 cup of chocolate peppermint soy milk). It was so yummy, even though I wasn’t hungry.

My gyro! (Get it, like 'My Hero'?)

Dried up carrots (ew!)

Ugly, but yummy

But after dinner was a completely different story. An hour before snack time, my stomach started hurting from intense hunger! I waited it out, then had a huge bowl of Kashi Berry Blossoms cereal, topped with dried apples and peaches. Afterwards, I was still a little hungry, so I had a little more cereal.

Sorry about the awful lighting, it was nighttime!

Made in my state!

So that was my Monday! Oh, and I wore one of my new pairs of shorts yesterday, and I didn’t regret it, even though it got cold and cloudy in the afternoon.

Q’s: What was your favorite thing you ate yesterday (or today)?