Sunday, August 21, 2011

Back-to-School Blues & Hunger Cues

So my sophomore year starts tomorrow, and I can't believe where the summer's gone. I'm kind of sad it's almost over, but also excited to start the new school year fresh. I'm really hoping it'll be a lot better than last year. I liked last year, but I wasn't on the best of terms with my freshman year roommate and it kind of soured my experience. This year, I'm still in the dorms, but in a much nicer and newer building (with air conditioning!) and I have a room to myself. I do have to share a bathroom with 2 other girls, so I'm really hoping we hit it off or at least have a better relationship than my ex-roomie and I had. So far, they and a lot of other people (including guys!) on my floor seem really nice so I'm hoping everything goes well.

Move-in weekend was a lot smoother than last year for sure. My dad and I drove up Friday morning, grabbed lunch at Qdoba and then got to unloading the car. We took several trips up and down three flights of stairs and the elevator, but we got all of it in. My mom and sister drove up later and we unloaded the rest of the stuff and then headed over to the hotel we were staying at over the weekend. Then we got some dinner at one of my favorite places, Mad Greens. I've gotta admit, I've been kind of restricting a lot this weekend, not necessarily on purpose but my hunger has been out of whack since Saturday and it's freaking me out. Now I think it's back, but I still feel that pull towards continuing restricting so I'm not sure how that's going to go down this week, especially with all the stressage from new classes. I ended up getting a salad with baby greens, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, cannellini beans and tofu and I really just did not like the taste of it, so I barely ate any of it. But I did steal some bites of pita from my dad's panini so at least I did eat something.

Qdoba Naked Fajita Burrito with lime rice, black beans, pico de gallo and grilled veggies

Saturday we woke up bright and early at a quarter to 9. I had a small breakfast of Bear Naked granola and green grapes, since I still wasn't hungry, but I had a little breakdown when my mom insisted that I eat the Light 'n Fit yogurt she brought up from the breakfast buffet in the lobby. I was mostly upset because it wasn't my usual organic Greek yogurt with tons of protein (this yogurt only had 3 grams!) and natural ingredients. I ate a tiny bit and then threw out the rest when she wasn't looking. I really felt sneaky, like I did back in my ED days when I'd throw my food in the trash and never got caught. But honestly, the yogurt tasted way too sweet and chemical-y for me so I couldn't eat any more of it.

After getting some things at the store (including another mini fridge so I could turn it into a makeshift freezer), we headed back to the hotel for a quick lunch. My hunger was still mostly MIA, so I just ended up having most of a 200-calorie vegan tortilla soup (delish, BTW) and some grapes. The sad thing was, I actually felt guilty for eating that much because my mom only had some crackers and hummus because she wasn't hungry, either.

The parentals left for the rest of the afternoon to go on brewery tours so my sis and I just chilled at the hotel. We went to the pool for a little bit, played around with the radio in the room and people-watched from our third-story window. Some time during the afternoon, I finally felt a little hunger pang so I had some multigrain chips that I brought along. At this point, the hunger wouldn't go away, so I had some more grapes and a little granola. Of course, I felt incredibly guilty for eating this much, even though I was hungry.

We went out to dinner at a new-to-us place called Beach House Grill. At first, I didn't think I was going to like it, but I ended up getting something I really loved. For the first time all weekend, I feel like I actually ate a decent amount, even though it was pretty low-cal: a few small pieces of grilled mahi mahi in lettuce wraps, with fruit salsa and black beans and rice on the side. I also tried some of the green salsa and it was really spicy, so I had to drink a lot of water. I ended up feeling uncomfortably full after dinner (because of all the water), so again I felt guilty. I did end up feeling hungry again later so I had a small snack of Whole Foods sandwich cookies and raisins.

Some gorgeous flowers at the CSU gardens

Today has been rough eating-wise, too. I had an okay breakfast, a salad of just greens and grapes at lunch, some delicious birthday cake and soy chocolate gelato (best thing I've had all weekend!) for a snack and then my floor went to the dining hall for dinner together and I ended up just getting a salad with carrots and a few sunflower seeds with grapes on the side. Definitely not enough fuel, considering I've been running around campus and town most of the day. I tried to make up for it by having some multigrain chips and pineapple earlier, but I know I didn't eat enough.

I think I could just live on gelato...

Right now, I'm just incredibly exhausted from the weekend and stressed out about school. The last thing I need to think about now is food...which is exactly why I'm slipping. And now that I've had this slip-up last all weekend, it's so much easier to keep giving in and eat less and less. I haven't felt the urge to restrict in a long time, but it's back again. And I don't know what to do...

What do you do to get back on track after days of eating less?


  1. I'm sorry that the past few days have been rough eating-wise! I hate how that happens- one restrictive meal turns into one restrictive day, which turns into one more restrictive day, and the cycle continues... The only thing to do at this point, I think, is the simplest and yet most complicated thing: push yourself to eat healthier amounts. I have a "reasons for recovery" list (see "Reasons for Recovery" tab on the top of my blog if you want to see it) that I carry around in my purse if I ever need to glance at it for inspiration- especially during a meal. I also am big on distraction while I'm eating. I get what I know I need to eat and then focus my mind on the conversation, a book, tv, anything, while I'm eating to shut the ED voice up. It is a matter of taking it one meal at a time until it starts to feel easier and more natural. YOU CAN DO IT!!!! <3

    I hope you have an amazing sophomore year, Ash! I'm with you- I want to make this schoolyear a much better one than last year.

  2. MMM there is no secrete to getting back on track. You just GOTTAA DO it! Remind yourself WHY you need to get back on track and it! After thats done, I like to remind myself never to slip again because its such a pain in the ass lol

  3. Have a plan and stick to it no matter what. That's the best thing to do.

  4. Honestly, once I start eating it's like I can't stop (boosts metabolism, I think). But yeah, if I keep restricting I just wind up binging and feeling bad, so I try to eat along and along to help that. I also talk to people, if there's someone you can trust to just give you that little nudge you need, it really helps.

    It's still super tough though, no matter what.

    That gelato looks completely yummy :). I'm glad you got moved in at college and hope you have a good semester :).


  5. I'm sorry that you had a rough couple of days. Moving and family stuff is always stressful. :(
    I agree with the other commentors. It can be hard to stick with your goals, but you've just gotta push through. Easier said than done, I know!! Remember, just because we may not feel hunger in our stomachs doesn't mean we don't need nourishment.

    I hope things get better. I KNOW they will!!


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