Long Time No Blog!

Hi everyone! I know I haven't blogged in what seems like forever--almost 2 and a half months! I hate to have left you guys hanging with such a downer of a post, so I decided to come back.


I just got 2 very sweet comments on my last post that really made me realize that I miss this blogging community. I actually haven't completely left blogging really--I'm just doing more of it over at almostveggirlie, since I discovered that Wordpress is a lot easier to use. And I also wanted to try to focus less on my eating disorder and more about the rest of my life. 


I am definitely doing a lot better since I posted last. Yes, I am still struggling with feeling okay with eating a good amount, but my body image is much stronger now. I don't hate what I see in the mirror every day, and that is amazing. I am somewhat alright with eating 'indulgences' like froyo and falafel. I don't want to starve my body and mind of what it needs. Sure, I sometimes don't eat enough but I am definitely working on fueling myself the right way. And I think if I do that, my body image will improve even more. There are hard days for sure, but I have to say most days are great.


I had a wonderful Thanksgiving break last week with my family, and I'm so ready to be done with this semester. It's definitely getting stressful with all the finals and projects, but I know that I'll enjoy Christmas break even more if I just push through all this hard stuff. And it's a month off from school, who wouldn't want that?!


So I hope you guys will all come back and read over here (if I decide to keep posting on this blog) or read my Wordpress blog if you want a lot of random posts about food, fashion and my life in general. Hope you all have been doing well and I'll definitely try to catch up on commenting on all your blogs.


Ash :)

I Hate...

So I haven't really posted in awhile, but hopefully the next paragraph will explain why. Basically, I haven't had the best past few weeks, ED-wise. Honestly, I've messed up a ton. Sadly, I can't really bring myself to care enough to stop, and as far as I know, I haven't lost any weight, which is why I feel I have to keep restricting. This is really, really hard for me to write, but I think honesty is really important in this process. I'd really appreciate comments, but I completely understand if you'd rather not comment.

**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!


I hate feeling fat. I hate wanting needing to lose a few pounds. I hate feeling guilty for eating a few extra pieces of cereal after (an inadequate) breakfast. I hate not knowing what I weigh, and if I've lost any weight yet. I hate worrying every moment of the day about what I'm eating. I hate restricting to under 1000 calories, every single day (a couple of days it was around 600), and feeling like crap if I eat a little more than normal. I hate feeling compelled to exercise in my room, even though I walk for 45-60 minutes a day for classes, and sometimes I just don't feel like working out. I hate measuring my thighs and arms every day to see if they've gotten any smaller. I hate looking at older pictures of myself and beating myself up for not looking as tiny anymore. I hate how I constantly worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat. I hate not caring anymore that I'm screwing my metabolism over. I hate that I think 90 pounds is too fat for me and anything over that is out of the question. I hate not seeing results after all my restriction. I hate how I feel proud that my butt starts hurting after only a little while of sitting down. I hate how people never tell me I look skinny anymore and how I have to rely on my own ED-ified brain to figure out if I look okay. I hate that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to have relapsed. I hate that I'm determined to be 85 pounds again, despite how underweight that is. I hate that I'm so obsessed with being skinny, and I'll probably never be skinny enough. I hate that I feel like I have to eat and exercise this way in order to stay healthy. I hate that I think I'll never be truly recovered...

It's No Joking Matter

Hi girlies! Sorry I haven't been around lately. I honestly have had no writing inspiration at all...until today, that is.

Last night, I happened to catch part of an educational show called "Fighting Fat". It was all about obesity, as you can imagine, and they were talking about different ways to combat the issue.

The only part I really saw was an interview with one woman who'd gone through gastric bypass surgery and had lost a lot of weight. However, she still wasn't at a healthy weight and she admitted to that. I think she was a stand-up comedian, and they showed one of her shows. She joked that "luckily, I've overcome my anorexia". Everyone in the audience laughed at that, but it made my heart twinge a little. I realized at that moment that jokes about anorexia really don't make me feel good.

I never really thought about it before, probably because I've never really encountered stuff like that. But I honestly really hate when people joke about it (especially people who have never personally experienced it) or when they belittle it. Anorexia (and all eating disorders) are real diseases that affect a lot of people--not just those that have it. So in my book, making fun of it or saying "Why don't you just eat?" are not okay.

There are so many misconceptions about EDs that I could go on an on about, but all I want to say is that they ARE NOT a choice--they are a disease just like cancer and ADHD. Anorexics aren't just vain girls (and guys) that stop eating so they can look better. There are real psychological issues behind the disorder and it's time that people start realizing that.

What do you think about eating disorder jokes?

All I Can Say Is Eh Eh

I've really been feeling Lady Gaga's "Nothing Else I Can Say" recently, hence my title. My life hasn't been bad, or really amazing lately. Just...eh. Not that that's bad, I just wish I was more positive.

After my recent vlog honesty about my struggles, my body image has actually been on the upswing, which is always a good thing. My bad thoughts about my body come and go in waves, so while it's great that I'm feeling better, I know it won't last. I'm determined to try to fight back this time, though, when the crappy feelings set in again. In fact, they already started to today. For the past few days, I think I actually saw the real 'me' in the mirror. It was refreshing, and I honestly thought to myself "Wow, my legs actually are tiny!" I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. However, all that changed yesterday after I weighed myself. It wasn't some huge, scary number by any means but still frustrating. (*P.S. I don't mean for the numbers to be triggering at all! I have used them before in posts, but if they do offend you, then please skip this part!) I know this will sound sooooo stupid, but I want to weigh 90 lbs so bad. Right now (and for the past few months), I've been hovering 1 or 2 lbs above that and it makes me mad. Mad that no matter what I do, I can't lose those stubborn couple of pounds. I think the real reason I want to weigh 90 lbs is because my original recovery goal weight was 90 lbs and I feel 'fat' if I go above that. Stupid, I know, especially since I'm only a pound over and still technically underweight. I just don't look that underweight in my eyes.



I've also been struggling with an exercise compulsion. I hesitate to call it 'overexercise' because ED still tells me I'm not doing enough, but since summer vacation started a month and a half ago, I haven't gone a day without exercising at least 40 minutes. There were a couple days where I did only 30 or 35 minutes, but there were way more that I did over an hour. In ED's opinion, it's nothing since it's only been 20 minutes cardio, 20 minutes yoga and walking around stores or something most days. But I think that refusing to go even one day without 40 minutes of working out is an exercise addiction. I've even been logging my exercise! And on top of that, I've been hiding the evidence of working out. I mostly do stuff in my room, or I go for a walk by myself or something. And I also think I pulled a muscle in my left calf when I was playing tennis this weekend because I didn't stretch and I overexerted it.

I just feel like I'm going from one behavior to another, from restriction to exercising. I haven't restricted majorly in awhile, since I'm at home and my parents are watching what I'm eating, so now I feel like I have to turn to exercise to control my emotions and my weight. I did the same thing last summer, but I didn't have to work out every day and it was usually for much less time. Exercise never used to be a part of my anorexia, but now I feel like it's taking over my life. I'm not devoting all my time to it, but my thoughts are centered around when I'm going to workout next and how intense it should be. I enjoy exercise, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm too obsessed with it and now it's not fun. I feel like I can't think about anything other than planning my meals and exercising. I'm happy for the most part, I just wish I could stop obsessing over these two things and just enjoy my summer guilt-free.


Sorry about this lame downer of a post. I just feel like I haven't really updated in awhile and I didn't want to make my life seem like it was all sunshine and rainbows (like in my Fave Five Friday posts). Not every day is good, but that doesn't mean I'm giving in.

Don't worry, I'm still smiling :)

Any more advice on the body image thing? Have you struggled with abusing exercise and how do you overcome it?

Memorial Day is for Shopping!

Hi everybody! Have you all been having a fantastic weekend so far? Hope you’re enjoying your day off (if you have one)!

My weekend has been busy, just the way I like it. Sometimes I just like to stay home and chill, but I get bored after about a day of that. I like getting out of the house and doing something, it doesn’t necessarily have to cost money. However, my day yesterday definitely required a little spending, which I didn’t mind at all!

In the two weeks I’ve been home so far, I’ve been doing a lot of chores around the house. I’m not a huge fan of some of these chores (hello, cleaning the bathroom!) but if I can earn some money and make my mom happy, then I’m more than willing to do it. I’ve also been making “wish lists” of clothes I wanted to buy and when I finally made enough money to justify a shopping trip, I went! My mom and sister tagged along (even though my sister had no money) and so began our afternoon of shopping!

I ended up buying 5 things yesterday and (almost) ran out of money. At Hollister, I bought a red floral romper for $20, a pair of coral flip-flops for $10 and a pair of khaki shorts for $18. Oh, and I also had a coupon to take 30% off my entire purchase, so everything ended up costing only $35! What a steal!



Romper



Flip-flops



Khaki shorts



Next we hit up American Eagle. This weekend only, everything in the store was 30% off! Of course I had to check it out. I left with a lime green striped oversize tee that I got for $18.



Lime green tee and denim shorts



Finally, we went to Abercrombie Kids. I know that it’s technically a kids store, but their sizes go up to a kids size 16, so I can usually find something that fits me for a lower price than a similar style at Abercrombie & Fitch. I scored a pair of cuffed denim shorts for a little over $20!

We also stopped for some gelato on our way home. Gelazzi is the best place for gelato EVER, so if you’re ever in the Denver or Fort Collins area, make sure you check them out. I got half birthday cake, half soy chocolate and was not disappointed!

Back at home, I tried my stuff on. I was slightly anxious when I realized that the shorts and the romper fit a little tighter than I expected them to. Not skintight by any means, but I’m used to my clothes fitting kinda loosely. The tee was of course pretty roomy, but I was expecting the rest of my stuff to fit differently. I have shorts that I bought just a couple of months ago from the same stores, and they’re in the same sizes and fit a little looser. I asked my mom what she thought and she thought they fit me fine. The romper was what I was most anxious about, since I’ve heard rompers are supposed to fit loosely. Mine only has a few inches of space in the body and a little more room in the legs, but I still feel a little self-conscious in it.

Here’s my dilemma: I love to shop, but the way clothes fit me and the size I wear both make me really nervous. If I have to go up a size (just because the cut is different) I will usually end up not buying it. I usually look for clothes that aren’t body skimming, but more flowy and loose. I wish I could feel more confident in clothes that fit my body well, but I feel like they show off my body too much. Right now, I’m really struggling to like what I see in the mirror. Every time I take a picture of myself, I think my thighs and arms look huge and my stomach is so round. I honestly don’t know if that’s what I actually look like or what ED is telling me I look like. I just wish for one day that I could see myself the way I truly am. I’m so sick of this body dysmorphia.

Q’s: Do you like to shop? How do you combat your ‘bad body’ days?

Body Checkin'

Wassup? Hahaha, okay I’m not really gangsta, but try telling that to me a few months ago ;) Just kidding!



Oh yeah, I'm legit ;)



So…yeah, today I thought I would take on a serious topic that I’ve been dealing with for a very long time—body checking. I think a lot of people with EDs do it, it’s just a ‘normal’ thing, but I really hate how sneaky it can be. Half the time I don’t even notice that I’m doing it, which is really annoying, because now that I think about it, I do it a lot. A lot a lot.

For me, body checking has always been more focused on actually feeling different parts of my body. I do have a habit of checking myself in mirrors, too, but I don’t have to look in every mirror or window I pass, just a few that I encounter every day, like the one in my dorm’s bathroom. My real bad habit is checking to see if I can still feel my ribs, hipbones, spine, etc. Unless I’m really focused on doing homework or just having fun with someone, I probably body check a couple of times every hour. Yeah, it’s a little obsessive. I just hate that I still do it, even though I’m in recovery. Actually, the strange thing is I can’t remember ever doing it before I started recovering two years ago, even when I was really deep into anorexia. I remember checking myself in mirrors more often and measuring my thighs and arms, but never body checking. The first time I can distinctly remember it is a few days after my parents confronted me about my ED. I was sitting in the car with my mom waiting for my sister to be done with a play rehearsal, and we were just talking and I remember feeling my ribs over and over. No one has ever noticed it, or at least no one’s ever said anything to me about it. So I just keep doing it.

I’m struggling a lot less with strong ED urges, and I don’t act on them, but this body checking thing is a really bad habit that I want to get rid of forever. I don’t want to be constantly doing this for the rest of my life, even if no one else notices or cares, it still just feels weird. It feels like I’m still controlled by ED, and I don’t want that! I’m starting to pay attention to when I do it and ask myself why. I think it’s still a deep-rooted fear that I’m gonna get fat, but it’s also just a stupid habit that often has no reason at all. Anyways, I’m working on trying to stop it, or at least cut down on how often it happens. I want to be completely free of ED someday, and the only way that can happen is if I kick bad habits to the curb.

Q’s: Do you, or have you ever body checked? If you stopped, how did you do it?

Healthy-spiration

Hi girls! Just a quick post today, but I hope it’s an inspiring one!

After my recent slip, I’ve been back on the upswing. Yes, not every day is a good day, but I’m fighting hard against those ED voices and trying to stay as positive as possible. So I thought, why not do a little healthy-spiration (totally made up that word, hahaha)? I know that celebrities have a bad rap in general for promoting an unhealthy ideal, but what about those celebs who are happy, healthy and confident? For me, I mainly focused on petite stars, since they’re about my size and I can relate to them. These women, as far as I know, are happy with their bodies and don’t care what size they are, as long as they’re healthy. They are true body image inspirations.



Carrie Underwood, 5'3





Ellen Page, 5'1



Hayden Panettiere, 5'1





Reese Witherspoon, 5'2





Kristen Bell, 5'1



Haha, so I just noticed that I put in three celebs that are my height (5'1). Guess I'm playing favorites ;)

Q’s: Who are your body image inspirations?

Overnight Oats in a...Blender Bottle!

I’ve decided to jump in on this OOIAJ (overnight oats in a jar) trend. I didn’t have a jar on hand, but I got creative and decided to use my blender bottle, sans the weird metal springy thing.

I also got creative and created my own easy-peasy recipe which I called Caramel Cappuccino Protein Oats (okay, not so creative name). It’s got 21 grams of protein—not too shabby!

Take 1/2 packet of Kashi GoLean truly vanilla oatmeal, 1/2 scoop Soytein cappuccino protein powder (Soytein’s got all kinds of crazy flavors, but just use whatever protein powder you like), 1 container Oikos caramel Greek yogurt and a little water and stir together. It ended up pretty thick, but boy, was it yummy! I especially loved the little flax seeds from the oatmeal sprinkled throughout. I didn’t notice the oats too much, though, which was disappointing.

Looks yucky, tastes yummy!

I also had a delicious yogurt mess for lunch today! It was my first time making one, and it was super-simple and good. I sliced up a banana, mixed it with 1 container Oikos chocolate Greek yogurt (yes, I’m a little obsessed), a teaspoon of crunchy almond butter and 1/4 cup Bear Naked Fit vanilla almond granola. OMG, this was like a dessert so I couldn’t believe it had 14 grams of protein in it! Next time, I would add a little more AB because I didn’t really taste it!



Greek yogurt+chocolate+banana+AB+granola? Count me in!

On another note, I think I’m starting to make peace with my body. Like last night, I was brushing my teeth in my floor’s common bathroom, which has a full-length mirror in it. Sometimes, I hate what I see in it, but I think I saw the real me last night. I was wearing these brown striped leggings that usually make me so self-conscious, but I actually admired how my legs looked in them. They looked muscular and fit, not huge and fat like I usually think. I realized that I’ll never look like those lanky tall girls…and that’s okay! I’m more on the petite yet muscular side and I should embrace that. Yes, I am smaller-framed than a lot of people, but that’s how I’m supposed to be. People might think I’m weak based on my size, but I’m actually pretty decent at arm-wrestling ;) I don’t know why, but my body puts on muscle from the simplest things—I’m no body-builder, but yoga’s helping me get toned and fit. And I like that!

Q’s of the Day: Have you ever made overnight oats? Or a yogurt mess? How are you making peace with your body?