Long Time No Blog!

Hi everyone! I know I haven't blogged in what seems like forever--almost 2 and a half months! I hate to have left you guys hanging with such a downer of a post, so I decided to come back.


I just got 2 very sweet comments on my last post that really made me realize that I miss this blogging community. I actually haven't completely left blogging really--I'm just doing more of it over at almostveggirlie, since I discovered that Wordpress is a lot easier to use. And I also wanted to try to focus less on my eating disorder and more about the rest of my life. 


I am definitely doing a lot better since I posted last. Yes, I am still struggling with feeling okay with eating a good amount, but my body image is much stronger now. I don't hate what I see in the mirror every day, and that is amazing. I am somewhat alright with eating 'indulgences' like froyo and falafel. I don't want to starve my body and mind of what it needs. Sure, I sometimes don't eat enough but I am definitely working on fueling myself the right way. And I think if I do that, my body image will improve even more. There are hard days for sure, but I have to say most days are great.


I had a wonderful Thanksgiving break last week with my family, and I'm so ready to be done with this semester. It's definitely getting stressful with all the finals and projects, but I know that I'll enjoy Christmas break even more if I just push through all this hard stuff. And it's a month off from school, who wouldn't want that?!


So I hope you guys will all come back and read over here (if I decide to keep posting on this blog) or read my Wordpress blog if you want a lot of random posts about food, fashion and my life in general. Hope you all have been doing well and I'll definitely try to catch up on commenting on all your blogs.


Ash :)

Overnight Oats in a...Blender Bottle!

I’ve decided to jump in on this OOIAJ (overnight oats in a jar) trend. I didn’t have a jar on hand, but I got creative and decided to use my blender bottle, sans the weird metal springy thing.

I also got creative and created my own easy-peasy recipe which I called Caramel Cappuccino Protein Oats (okay, not so creative name). It’s got 21 grams of protein—not too shabby!

Take 1/2 packet of Kashi GoLean truly vanilla oatmeal, 1/2 scoop Soytein cappuccino protein powder (Soytein’s got all kinds of crazy flavors, but just use whatever protein powder you like), 1 container Oikos caramel Greek yogurt and a little water and stir together. It ended up pretty thick, but boy, was it yummy! I especially loved the little flax seeds from the oatmeal sprinkled throughout. I didn’t notice the oats too much, though, which was disappointing.

Looks yucky, tastes yummy!

I also had a delicious yogurt mess for lunch today! It was my first time making one, and it was super-simple and good. I sliced up a banana, mixed it with 1 container Oikos chocolate Greek yogurt (yes, I’m a little obsessed), a teaspoon of crunchy almond butter and 1/4 cup Bear Naked Fit vanilla almond granola. OMG, this was like a dessert so I couldn’t believe it had 14 grams of protein in it! Next time, I would add a little more AB because I didn’t really taste it!



Greek yogurt+chocolate+banana+AB+granola? Count me in!

On another note, I think I’m starting to make peace with my body. Like last night, I was brushing my teeth in my floor’s common bathroom, which has a full-length mirror in it. Sometimes, I hate what I see in it, but I think I saw the real me last night. I was wearing these brown striped leggings that usually make me so self-conscious, but I actually admired how my legs looked in them. They looked muscular and fit, not huge and fat like I usually think. I realized that I’ll never look like those lanky tall girls…and that’s okay! I’m more on the petite yet muscular side and I should embrace that. Yes, I am smaller-framed than a lot of people, but that’s how I’m supposed to be. People might think I’m weak based on my size, but I’m actually pretty decent at arm-wrestling ;) I don’t know why, but my body puts on muscle from the simplest things—I’m no body-builder, but yoga’s helping me get toned and fit. And I like that!

Q’s of the Day: Have you ever made overnight oats? Or a yogurt mess? How are you making peace with your body?

"Baby, I Was Born This Way"

In case you’re not a fan of Lady Gaga (which clearly I am!), the title of today’s post comes from her brand new single, “Born This Way”. Like all her songs, it’s super-catchy and upbeat. But it has an amazing message that I think is very important for all of us, but especially those of us struggling with/recovering from EDs to hear.

If you haven’t heard it yet, check out the video below. I’m just gonna share a few very inspirational lyrics here:

“There’s nothin’ wrong with lovin’ who you are”/She said. “Cause He made you perfect, babe.”

I’m beautiful in my way, / ‘Cause God makes no mistakes/I’m on the right track, baby/I was born this way.

Don’t hide yourself in regret, /Just love yourself and you’re set/I’m on the right track, baby/I was born this way.

See, told you they were good! I really needed to hear this song today, after yesterday’s post. I’ve been feeling so down on myself for that and even before that. Why can’t I just love myself? Haven’t you ever noticed that the happiest people aren’t the prettiest or the skinniest—they’re the ones that love themselves the most. I believe self-confidence is one of the best accessories you can have. No matter what you look like, you’re meant to be that way because God doesn’t make mistakes. Everyone is beautiful in their own way! I should accept myself and my body just the way it is—not the way my ED thinks it should be.

I’m choosing to be happy and healthy…how about you?

Where I Am Today

*Note: This may be triggering, just based on numbers. But it’s very positive, so read on if would just like some hope, and to know a little bit more about my story!*

It’s been almost 2 years. Almost 2 years since I went to my doctor, knowing exactly what I was going in for, but trying to deny it. Almost 2 years since my parents confronted me, and I had probably the worst day of my life, just knowing I’d let them down. Almost 2 years since I had a panic attack after eating an apple when I was “too full”.

So where am I now? In a much better place. Yes, I still struggle with always loving my body and with restricting but I’ve come so far from 2 years ago. The 16-year-old me was secretly miserable, lonely and always starving. I was 76 lbs at my lowest. 76 lbs!!! Yes, I’m only 5’1, but my BMI was only a bit above 14. Now I know that’s super-unhealthy.

My early days of recovery were full of stomachaches (from refeeding), Boost shakes and crying/screaming fests. I told my parents several times that I hated them. Now, I hate that I ever said that. My parents are my best support team.

I progressed to seeing a dietician and a therapist. They helped me a bit in my journey, but I honestly feel better without them. Maybe they were the wrong fit for me.

My weight increased (surprisingly) slowly. I was so scared of gaining 5 lbs in a day, but of course that never happened. In almost 2 years, I’ve gained 14 lbs. That number sometimes seems so HUGE to me. Yet, I now weigh 90 lbs, which is still underweight. It’s the most I’ve ever weighed, even before my anorexia, which isn’t always the case for people with EDs. It’s kinda weird that way. But according to my doctor, I’m at a good weight…for now. I’m just barely an adult, so I’m sure that as I get a little older, I’ll have to gain. It’s so scary. I already feel uncomfortable at 90—I’m scared to death of the big 1-0-0. It just seems like too much for my frame. Maybe it is. Maybe I’ll never get there. That’s okay, as long as I can maintain at a weight that is healthy for me, whether that’s a little underweight or not.

In a way, I’m still the girl I was almost 2 years ago. I still have the same interests, in journalism and fashion. I still have the same long, light brown hair and hazel eyes. I’m still 5’1. I’m still struggling with an ED daily, still underweight (but much, much healthier). But I’m stronger now, I have the help and support I need. I know I want recovery. And that’s what counts.

Conflicted

I am scared to write this post. It’s so frightening to get these thoughts out in writing, for anyone to see. But I have to do it to get better.

I wish it weren’t true, but my ED is trying to butt its way back into my life. And I am so mad that it is. I wanted my first few weeks back at school to go smoothly, but they haven’t.

I came back unprepared, I guess. I was surrounded for a month by love, support, happiness. Even the worst moments were nothing to really cry about. Then I got back, and I was overwhelmed. Back to a routine…but it’s harder than last semester. Back to someone I don’t like dealing with…and it hasn’t gotten any easier. Back to feeling judged for everything I do. And being far away from my lifeline of caring.

I’m sick of hearing the voice tell me I’m worthless and fat and no one will like me unless I’m skinnier. It pisses me off, to put it bluntly. I hate it. But I feel like I can’t stop it. I hate to say it, but I’ve been struggling with restricting. Not extreme, but it makes me feel crappy and scared. I want to go back to eating normally and feeling good…but how? It’s all too easy to get stuck in ED’s trap.

I’m trying my hardest to break through it, though. I know it won’t be easy, but I want to get back up and keep climbing the mountain towards recovery. I can’t let two weeks send me back into relapse. I want to get better. I have to. I can’t let this beat me again. I WON’T!!!!!!!

Scared of the Future

I’m excited about what’s to come in my life, don’t get me wrong. But I’m also scared to death. I have no clue what will happen next year, let alone tomorrow. It’s kind of dizzying to think that the only person who really knows everything that will happen to you is God…and sometimes, He likes surprises. And sometimes, I don’t like surprises.

I’m hoping my college experience as a sophomore will be a little better than it was this year as a freshman. It was really hard getting used to something so completely new and different, so next school year should be a bit easier. Hopefully, I’ll be in a better living situation and I’ll be able to handle my course load without so much stress.

I want to get my first job sometime in the near future. I’m worried about the whole interview process, but I think I’m ready to start making my own money, instead of totally relying on my parents. I’m an adult now, and I need to start getting used to it!

I want to have opportunities that will help me in my future career. Luckily, I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do…all I have to do now is figure out how I can get a head start on it now. Internships are sure to come within the next year or so. They probably won’t be fun at first, but you’ve gotta start somewhere, right?

I also want to get rid of my ED once and for all. I’m not setting a specific or even general date for this to happen, because I don’t want to be disappointed. Instead, I’ll take things day by day. If I slip up one time, I’ll do better the next day. I might struggle with negative thoughts my entire life, but as long as it doesn’t control me, I think I can be okay with that.

Someday, probably not soon, but in a few years, I know I’ll probably have to get off birth control. A year ago, I started taking it because both my doctor and therapist insisted I had to take it so I could get my first period. My anorexia came around at a really bad time—just before I would have probably had my first period, if I hadn’t been so thin. I was a late-bloomer, and I’ve been underweight my whole life, but I think that if I had continued to eat normally, I would have gotten my period naturally by the time I was seventeen. Instead, I ruined my body’s chance at finishing what it started (puberty) and I have to take BC so I can actually get a period. I know it’s good for me, because it helps build up my bones—yay, no osteoporosis!—and it’s also cleared up my skin a lot. But if I want to have a family someday, I’ll have to stop so I can start getting my period naturally. And it’s not good to keep taking it non-stop for several years. I know it’ll be scary to stop taking it, but I have to see if my body can function normally without it.

I’m really scared about any future relationships I may have. What if I find a great guy, and I end up screwing up my body and my life again, and I lose him? What if I can’t have kids because of the damage I’ve done? What if I pass my disordered thoughts onto my kids?

For now, I’ll just keep praying and letting each day be a stepping stone towards my future life…whatever that may be!



Hmmm...what's in store for me?



Loving Your WHOLE Self

Hey everyone! I hope you’ve had a great weekend J Mine was pretty good, surprisingly busy, but I got to catch up with a friend of mine I hadn’t seen since before winter break, so that was really nice.

I have to admit that I’ve been hearing the ED voice a lot recently. I think it’s because I’m under a lot of stress with new classes starting and getting used to being back on campus. But…it SUCKS! I hate being stressed out and having to deal with my anorexia crap. So I wanted to offer a little hope to all of you, and to myself.

It’s hard for anyone to really love themselves all the time. Sure, many people are self-centered, but they do have their bad days when they beat themselves up over a mistake. I feel like having an eating disorder of any kind can intensify this self-hatred to the extreme. There are so many days I wake up and just point out all my “flaws”—then I look back on it and it makes me really sad to think that I would say all that to myself, but I keep on doing it. I think ED enjoys abusing us L

But I’m trying (really trying) to see myself for who I really am—human, which means I have issues just like everyone else, but I don’t have to let my mistakes and quirks get me down. I can embrace them and let them make me a better person.

I’ve always been on the small side for my age. So I’m no stranger to the “short” jokes—the 50^th one hurts no less than the first one, unfortunately. Luckily, it goes away for the most part in college, since most people have better stuff to talk about. I still find myself wishing I could be at least a few inches taller, but I’m trying to accept my 5’1 frame for what it is. That’s what heels are for, right? I like being petite and it makes me who I am.

I also have a young-looking face. Adults always tell me that I’ll love it when I’m older. Right now, it kinda sucks. I feel like no one takes me seriously because I look like I could still be a freshman in high school…or even a middle-schooler! But it gives me the opportunity to show off my mental and emotional maturity, and that’s what really counts.

I am a shy person by nature…well at least some people would tell you that. Anyone I’ve known for a while knows that I like to talk. I am so comfortable around my family. I can talk for hours with good friends. But put me in a room with people I barely know and I probably won’t say much. I’ll respond politely to any questions you ask, but I might not ask you many back. It’s not that I’m snotty or stand-offish; it’s just that I have a hard time thinking of conversation starters with people I don’t know.

I am also extremely emotional. I do wish I were a little stronger when it comes to criticism, but I’m not. I cry when I get into little fights with my sister. I take things too seriously and personally. However, I feel like this quality makes me a little more empathetic to others’ problems and situations.

There are too many days that I beat myself up for saying something stupid, tripping in public (I’m kind of a klutz) or just hate my body. I want there to be more days when I like what I see in the mirror and I can take all my issues and “flaws” in stride and help them make me who I really am. I hope you can take some time today to compliment yourself for something you do really well, or appreciate your quirks. You’ll feel so much better when you do.

Who I Really Am

I know there’s a me behind the ED. I want to be that person again. Every time I overanalyze food or criticize my body, I am letting anorexia win. But I want to be the ultimate winner. I am in this to win it.

I am a girl who has a great sense of fashion. I am a good student who is committed to school. I am shy, but a loyal friend. I am a supportive big sister. I am a devoted daughter. I have big dreams for myself. I won’t let ED take those away from me. I have bad days, and good days, but I won’t let the bad ones get me down. I am emotional, but I am usually happy. THIS is me…

…not this. I am good at counting calories. I am my biggest critic. I have self-control when it comes to food. I am addicted to the mirror, but I hate what I see. I let others control me. I want to please everyone but myself. I think being skinny is better than being a nice person. I will never be thin enough. I feel a high when I restrict.

I like the real me better…



This is the real, likes-to-take-artistic-pictures-of-herself me :)



"Hairspray" Inspiration

I love the 2007 movie, Hairspray. Not only are the songs catchy and make me want to dance, but I love the message it expresses: Love yourself for who you are, no matter what your body looks like, and don’t let the world tell you you can’t do anything you set your mind to.

I have the soundtrack on my iPod and while I was listening to it recently, I really got into the song, “I Know Where I’ve Been”. In the movie, it was performed by Queen Latifah, and it was a really powerful song. But before, I never really listened to the lyrics. I feel like I really heard them for the first time last night, and they actually apply to my struggle with anorexia. I’m sure it applies to others’ struggles as well. Here are the lyrics, and I highlighted the parts that I thought were most meaningful.

There's a light in the darkness
Though the night is black as my skin
There's a light burning bright showing me the way
But I know where I've been

There's a cry in distance
It's a voice that comes from deep within
There's a cry asking why
I pray the answer's up ahead, yeah
'cause I know where I've been

There's a road we've been travellin'
Lost so many on the way
But the riches will be plenty
With the price, the price we had to pay
There's a dream in the future
There's a struggle that we have yet to win
And there's pride in my heart
'cause I know where I'm going, yes I doAnd I know where I've been, yeah

There's a road we must travelThere's a promise that we must make
Oh but the riches will be plenty
Worth the risk and the chances that we take
There's a dream in the future
There's a struggle that we have yet to win
Use that pride in our hearts
To lift us up to tomorrow 'cause just to sit still would be a sin
Lord knows I know where I've been
Oh, when we win
I'll give thanks to my God
'cause I know where I've been

I actually started crying when the meaning of the words set in—it was like a light bulb had turned on and I realized that I CAN beat this awful disease. I know that not every day will be easy, but I’ve got to take a chance and dive deeper into recovery. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget those awful days when my ED was controlling my life—but honestly, I don’t think I want to. Those memories will serve as a painful reminder to me to never go down that path again. I’ve come too far to let my ED beat me to the ground and tell me I’m worthless. I’m not quite sure where I’m going yet, but I give thanks to God because I know exactly where I’ve been.