Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Where I Am Today

*Note: This may be triggering, just based on numbers. But it’s very positive, so read on if would just like some hope, and to know a little bit more about my story!*

It’s been almost 2 years. Almost 2 years since I went to my doctor, knowing exactly what I was going in for, but trying to deny it. Almost 2 years since my parents confronted me, and I had probably the worst day of my life, just knowing I’d let them down. Almost 2 years since I had a panic attack after eating an apple when I was “too full”.
So where am I now? In a much better place. Yes, I still struggle with always loving my body and with restricting but I’ve come so far from 2 years ago. The 16-year-old me was secretly miserable, lonely and always starving. I was 76 lbs at my lowest. 76 lbs!!! Yes, I’m only 5’1, but my BMI was only a bit above 14. Now I know that’s super-unhealthy.
My early days of recovery were full of stomachaches (from refeeding), Boost shakes and crying/screaming fests. I told my parents several times that I hated them. Now, I hate that I ever said that. My parents are my best support team.
I progressed to seeing a dietician and a therapist. They helped me a bit in my journey, but I honestly feel better without them. Maybe they were the wrong fit for me.
My weight increased (surprisingly) slowly. I was so scared of gaining 5 lbs in a day, but of course that never happened. In almost 2 years, I’ve gained 14 lbs. That number sometimes seems so HUGE to me. Yet, I now weigh 90 lbs, which is still underweight. It’s the most I’ve ever weighed, even before my anorexia, which isn’t always the case for people with EDs. It’s kinda weird that way. But according to my doctor, I’m at a good weight…for now. I’m just barely an adult, so I’m sure that as I get a little older, I’ll have to gain. It’s so scary. I already feel uncomfortable at 90—I’m scared to death of the big 1-0-0. It just seems like too much for my frame. Maybe it is. Maybe I’ll never get there. That’s okay, as long as I can maintain at a weight that is healthy for me, whether that’s a little underweight or not.
In a way, I’m still the girl I was almost 2 years ago. I still have the same interests, in journalism and fashion. I still have the same long, light brown hair and hazel eyes. I’m still 5’1. I’m still struggling with an ED daily, still underweight (but much, much healthier). But I’m stronger now, I have the help and support I need. I know I want recovery. And that’s what counts.


  1. So good to are so much healthier now. I've always been naturally a bit underweight too. Wherever our bodies naturally belong, right?

    Stay strong! <3

  2. Isn't so incredible how the natural weights of healthy bodies are so different. I'm 5'3 and I was always heavy on the scale (117 pounds at my highest) but I NEVER actually looked it. For me, when I was 90 pounds I was only 2 pounds higher than my lowest weight, and I was so sick back then. But every single body is different. Screw the charts! Some people have low BMIs naturally and some have high BMI's naturally.

    It's good to hear that you actually WANT recovery. That's the mentality that will make it happen. And you so deserve it!


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