Sunday, February 13, 2011

I Hit a Road Bump

*WARNING: May be triggering, numbers are mentioned so read on with caution!
Hey everyone, I hope you’ve all had a fantastic weekend. Mine went by too fast, but I was really busy and I enjoyed my family time at home.
In fact, my weekend was really great! Everything was going just fine—I had a fun time shopping with my sister, I enjoyed a trip to Starbucks and a gelato place, I made dessert, had time in the hot tub, watched Saturday Night Live, went to church…and then, BAM! I got weighed, and everything went downhill from there.
I hadn’t been weighed in over a month, since my doctor’s appointment. I was 90 lbs then, which my doc agreed was a healthy weight for me. I think she said as long as I stayed at or above the 90 mark, I was pretty good, even though it’s still underweight. I was happy to hear that.
Suddenly, just as I was about to go back to school after Christmas break, I started to get really intense ED moments. For no good reason, I felt fat and so I started restricting. Not too extremely, just a couple hundred cals below what I normally was doing. But I pretty much did that for four weeks. By the fourth week, I tried to start eating a little more, and I was feeling less and less controlled by my eating disorder. I was still probably eating a little less than I should have. I was scared my mom was going to weigh me the first weekend I came home, and she didn’t. But just before we left today to take me back to school, she weighed me. I was 94 lbs.
I tried so hard not to cry. I did not understand at all. How could I have gone up 4 lbs after having restricted for nearly a month? I knew in the back of my mind that my true weight wasn’t actually 94—the clothes I was wearing possibly added 2 lbs, and I had eaten recently before. Plus, at the doctor’s, I was wearing less, so 90 probably was my real weight, and now I was probably 92. But still. I just did not get it.
We went to a celebration-type service at church soon after I got weighed, and I hated it because all I could think about was plans to restrict, how fat I was, blah blah blah. I couldn’t really enjoy the service, and that made me mad that I let ED control me like that. Especially after I talked about in a recent post about how the number on the scale shouldn’t define you. And what was I doing—letting my weight define how I felt. I felt like such a hypocrite.
After the service, my mom noticed how sad I looked, and she obviously knew what was up. I started crying, and I didn’t really care that we were out in public. I felt so crappy right then. But she pulled me aside and told me how proud she was of me, and reminded me how my weight fluctuates. It made me feel a little better, but then I had to say goodbye for another 12 days, so I still was kinda sad.
My dad drove me back to school, and we stopped for dinner at this burger place. It’s really environmentally-friendly and everything and luckily, they have other non-red-meat options. I got the Portobello mushroom burger and it was super-delicious. I also got edamame on the side. It was a good dinner, but I was still so preoccupied with my weight.

Not my picture (go here), but this is what I got for dinner.

I’m so thankful for all the support you guys give me, so I think I should ask for some right now. I don’t want to slip back, but I absolutely hate this feeling right now. I hate having ED control me because I went up a couple pounds. Part of me is scared that I’m going to keep gaining, so I think I have to restrict. And the more rational part of me is saying that with all the factors, I’m not the ‘scary’ weight I think I am and even if I was, it’s nothing to be ashamed about. I really just need to take the time to sort out my feelings in a healthy way, without turning to restriction or over-exercising.
Thanks for reading such a long post and I hope you’re all doing okay, too!


  1. I always feel better after sitting down to write a blog post. It's a healthy way to get those feelings out.

    I'm so sorry that you've been struggling. I know what it's like to be so fixated on the ED that you can't think about anything else. Weight is so hard for me. It's just a number that changes all day long. It depends on the scale, clothes, how much water you've had to drink, etc,etc...yet still, I find my entire mood based on whether the number has gone up or down. That's all I'm allowed to know at this point.

    Stay strong and know that you aren't alone. You can do this. Hugs!

  2. Oh Ash, I'm sorry about this. That sort of feeling happened to me all the time last time I was gaining weight. It sucks. I don't know if this will help, but I tell myself that my body is smarter than my brain. My brain (with ED in it) makes up an amount I am allowed to eat. My body on the other hand knows how much I have to eat to be healthy.
    The processes and signals going on inside of you aren't wrong. They know what they are doing and you need to trust them. If your body wants to be 94 pounds, or even 100, it's not for your thoughts or ED to tell it otherwise. Trust that the simple intelligence of your physiological need for food knows the weight it wants to be and knows what is right!

    Sorry for being so ramble-y and all, but I hope it helps somewhat. Stay stong! I'm thinking of you!!!

  3. Aww, hun! Unexpected weight gain is hard, but you're right that fluctuations are perfectly normal. Because I'm maintaining, my ED thinks that if I go up a couple of pounds 1 week the worlds going to end, but in reality I know that it will all balance out if I just let my body do what it needs to do.

    As you said your still underweight so gaining a couple of pounds might be healthy for your body - it knows what to do.

    I'm proud of you for eating, even when it was hard. You should be proud of yourself, too!

    You CAN do this. Keep fighting!<3

  4. I'm sorry Ash! I know it sucks to be stuck in your ED and unexpected weight gains are really hard. I actually found myself in the same situation today when I stepped on the scale and found out that I've gained.
    Its really difficult not to get up in "fat thoughts" and judging yourself based on the number on the scale is all too easy.

    Remember to not let your eating disorder make you feel unworthy based on your weight! Your body knows what a healthy weight is and is probably trying to gain with the calories you give it.

    I'm proud of you for continuing to eat and fight! Stay strong girl <3


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