I Hate...

So I haven't really posted in awhile, but hopefully the next paragraph will explain why. Basically, I haven't had the best past few weeks, ED-wise. Honestly, I've messed up a ton. Sadly, I can't really bring myself to care enough to stop, and as far as I know, I haven't lost any weight, which is why I feel I have to keep restricting. This is really, really hard for me to write, but I think honesty is really important in this process. I'd really appreciate comments, but I completely understand if you'd rather not comment.

**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!


I hate feeling fat. I hate wanting needing to lose a few pounds. I hate feeling guilty for eating a few extra pieces of cereal after (an inadequate) breakfast. I hate not knowing what I weigh, and if I've lost any weight yet. I hate worrying every moment of the day about what I'm eating. I hate restricting to under 1000 calories, every single day (a couple of days it was around 600), and feeling like crap if I eat a little more than normal. I hate feeling compelled to exercise in my room, even though I walk for 45-60 minutes a day for classes, and sometimes I just don't feel like working out. I hate measuring my thighs and arms every day to see if they've gotten any smaller. I hate looking at older pictures of myself and beating myself up for not looking as tiny anymore. I hate how I constantly worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat. I hate not caring anymore that I'm screwing my metabolism over. I hate that I think 90 pounds is too fat for me and anything over that is out of the question. I hate not seeing results after all my restriction. I hate how I feel proud that my butt starts hurting after only a little while of sitting down. I hate how people never tell me I look skinny anymore and how I have to rely on my own ED-ified brain to figure out if I look okay. I hate that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to have relapsed. I hate that I'm determined to be 85 pounds again, despite how underweight that is. I hate that I'm so obsessed with being skinny, and I'll probably never be skinny enough. I hate that I feel like I have to eat and exercise this way in order to stay healthy. I hate that I think I'll never be truly recovered...

It's No Joking Matter

Hi girlies! Sorry I haven't been around lately. I honestly have had no writing inspiration at all...until today, that is.

Last night, I happened to catch part of an educational show called "Fighting Fat". It was all about obesity, as you can imagine, and they were talking about different ways to combat the issue.

The only part I really saw was an interview with one woman who'd gone through gastric bypass surgery and had lost a lot of weight. However, she still wasn't at a healthy weight and she admitted to that. I think she was a stand-up comedian, and they showed one of her shows. She joked that "luckily, I've overcome my anorexia". Everyone in the audience laughed at that, but it made my heart twinge a little. I realized at that moment that jokes about anorexia really don't make me feel good.

I never really thought about it before, probably because I've never really encountered stuff like that. But I honestly really hate when people joke about it (especially people who have never personally experienced it) or when they belittle it. Anorexia (and all eating disorders) are real diseases that affect a lot of people--not just those that have it. So in my book, making fun of it or saying "Why don't you just eat?" are not okay.

There are so many misconceptions about EDs that I could go on an on about, but all I want to say is that they ARE NOT a choice--they are a disease just like cancer and ADHD. Anorexics aren't just vain girls (and guys) that stop eating so they can look better. There are real psychological issues behind the disorder and it's time that people start realizing that.

What do you think about eating disorder jokes?

Back-to-School Blues & Hunger Cues

So my sophomore year starts tomorrow, and I can't believe where the summer's gone. I'm kind of sad it's almost over, but also excited to start the new school year fresh. I'm really hoping it'll be a lot better than last year. I liked last year, but I wasn't on the best of terms with my freshman year roommate and it kind of soured my experience. This year, I'm still in the dorms, but in a much nicer and newer building (with air conditioning!) and I have a room to myself. I do have to share a bathroom with 2 other girls, so I'm really hoping we hit it off or at least have a better relationship than my ex-roomie and I had. So far, they and a lot of other people (including guys!) on my floor seem really nice so I'm hoping everything goes well.

Move-in weekend was a lot smoother than last year for sure. My dad and I drove up Friday morning, grabbed lunch at Qdoba and then got to unloading the car. We took several trips up and down three flights of stairs and the elevator, but we got all of it in. My mom and sister drove up later and we unloaded the rest of the stuff and then headed over to the hotel we were staying at over the weekend. Then we got some dinner at one of my favorite places, Mad Greens. I've gotta admit, I've been kind of restricting a lot this weekend, not necessarily on purpose but my hunger has been out of whack since Saturday and it's freaking me out. Now I think it's back, but I still feel that pull towards continuing restricting so I'm not sure how that's going to go down this week, especially with all the stressage from new classes. I ended up getting a salad with baby greens, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, cannellini beans and tofu and I really just did not like the taste of it, so I barely ate any of it. But I did steal some bites of pita from my dad's panini so at least I did eat something.



Qdoba Naked Fajita Burrito with lime rice, black beans, pico de gallo and grilled veggies


Saturday we woke up bright and early at a quarter to 9. I had a small breakfast of Bear Naked granola and green grapes, since I still wasn't hungry, but I had a little breakdown when my mom insisted that I eat the Light 'n Fit yogurt she brought up from the breakfast buffet in the lobby. I was mostly upset because it wasn't my usual organic Greek yogurt with tons of protein (this yogurt only had 3 grams!) and natural ingredients. I ate a tiny bit and then threw out the rest when she wasn't looking. I really felt sneaky, like I did back in my ED days when I'd throw my food in the trash and never got caught. But honestly, the yogurt tasted way too sweet and chemical-y for me so I couldn't eat any more of it.

After getting some things at the store (including another mini fridge so I could turn it into a makeshift freezer), we headed back to the hotel for a quick lunch. My hunger was still mostly MIA, so I just ended up having most of a 200-calorie vegan tortilla soup (delish, BTW) and some grapes. The sad thing was, I actually felt guilty for eating that much because my mom only had some crackers and hummus because she wasn't hungry, either.

The parentals left for the rest of the afternoon to go on brewery tours so my sis and I just chilled at the hotel. We went to the pool for a little bit, played around with the radio in the room and people-watched from our third-story window. Some time during the afternoon, I finally felt a little hunger pang so I had some multigrain chips that I brought along. At this point, the hunger wouldn't go away, so I had some more grapes and a little granola. Of course, I felt incredibly guilty for eating this much, even though I was hungry.

We went out to dinner at a new-to-us place called Beach House Grill. At first, I didn't think I was going to like it, but I ended up getting something I really loved. For the first time all weekend, I feel like I actually ate a decent amount, even though it was pretty low-cal: a few small pieces of grilled mahi mahi in lettuce wraps, with fruit salsa and black beans and rice on the side. I also tried some of the green salsa and it was really spicy, so I had to drink a lot of water. I ended up feeling uncomfortably full after dinner (because of all the water), so again I felt guilty. I did end up feeling hungry again later so I had a small snack of Whole Foods sandwich cookies and raisins.



Some gorgeous flowers at the CSU gardens


Today has been rough eating-wise, too. I had an okay breakfast, a salad of just greens and grapes at lunch, some delicious birthday cake and soy chocolate gelato (best thing I've had all weekend!) for a snack and then my floor went to the dining hall for dinner together and I ended up just getting a salad with carrots and a few sunflower seeds with grapes on the side. Definitely not enough fuel, considering I've been running around campus and town most of the day. I tried to make up for it by having some multigrain chips and pineapple earlier, but I know I didn't eat enough.



I think I could just live on gelato...


Right now, I'm just incredibly exhausted from the weekend and stressed out about school. The last thing I need to think about now is food...which is exactly why I'm slipping. And now that I've had this slip-up last all weekend, it's so much easier to keep giving in and eat less and less. I haven't felt the urge to restrict in a long time, but it's back again. And I don't know what to do...


What do you do to get back on track after days of eating less?

A Wakeup Call

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, I've gotten busy and it sorta slipped my mind. Don't worry, I'm still here and I've still been reading and commenting on all your lovely blogs.

Today I've got my second vlog for you all. This one is definitely more serious than my first one but I hope it speaks to you in some way. I was inspired to be honest by Jess's recent vlog. I thought the best way to tell you how I'm feeling is through a vlog, so here goes! If you are unable to watch it, it's basically about my struggles with body dysmorphia. If you have any advice, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!

Spring Break Part 3

Happy Saturday, everyone! It’s finally sunny here and warmer than yesterday which makes me really happy. I can’t wait to get outside and enjoy the nice fresh air.

The last few days have been pretty busy, but really good, for me. Thursday was the last day I had the house to myself for a few hours, so I got the opportunity to do some yoga outside on my deck. I’ve never done it outside, and I think I’ll definitely have to do it again sometime soon because it was even better than doing it inside. But, I noticed when I was out that it smelled really strongly like a campfire. I checked Facebook and the local news station had posted that there was a fire less than 5 miles from my house! I’m used to there being fires a lot, because I live in a really dry state and we get forest and grass fires a lot, but it was still really scary. Luckily, only a barn was destroyed in the fire.



Before the hair cut



My lovely St. Patty's Day outfit

I also got my hair cut on Thursday night. Nothing too drastic, just a trim and I got my bangs cut so they’re more side-swept. I like my hair so much now because my bangs are more noticeable.

Yesterday was soooooo much fun! My dad took a day off of work so we could go up to Denver. We went to the aquarium first, and I loved seeing all the fish and birds. I’ve only been to a few aquariums, but I think this one is my favorite, because they have lots of things, like a flash flood simulator (you get really wet!), people scuba diving with sharks and an area where you can touch and feed stingrays. I had a lot of fun and took tons of pictures.



Really cool urchin-type thing



It's Dory!!!!!!



Afterwards, we went to my favorite gelato place. Unfortunately, I didn’t take any pictures, but it was half raspberry, half soy chocolate gelato and it was AMAZING! Chocolate and raspberry is my favorite flavor combo ever!



Jellyfish (not gelato lol)

Then we drove to my favorite Denver mall so I could do a little shopping. My sister and I went off on our own to our favorite stores. My sis didn’t end up buying anything because she didn’t have any money, but I did! I ended up getting a floral dress from Hollister and some pink leather sandals from American Eagle. I can’t wait for the weather to warm up a little bit more so I can wear them!


I love anything floral



And of course, anything pink!

After the mall, we got dinner at a Thai place nearby. I’m not a huge fan of most Thai food, because I really hate coconut, but I ended up getting the shrimp spring rolls, which were okay. It was basically just a rice paper wrapper with rice noodles, mint and a tiny bit of shrimp. They were pretty flavorless, but “safe” for my ED. I also had some edamame. Once we got back home, I was really hungry, but it was 10 o’ clock, so I felt uncomfortable eating then. My ED voice was really strong, so I skipped a snack (even though I probably needed one) and ended up doing more yoga before I watched the Tonight Show with my family. ED was happy, but I wasn’t. I’m so sick of letting him control my life lately. It’s really getting old. I’ve been getting along with my parents so much better, but ED keeps butting back into my life telling me I’m so fat and ugly, blah blah blah. I hope that I can go back to eating a normal amount when I return to school, but it’s going to be really hard. Since no one will be around to watch what I eat, I’m afraid I’m just going to give in to ED and not eat very much. But I’m going to try my very hardest to fight back.

I’m about to go play tennis with my dad and sister again—I can’t wait! We might go get Starbucks or gelato (again!) afterwards so wish me luck that I can decide to get something substantial afterwards to fuel my workout. Have a great Saturday, ladies J

My view doing yoga outside

Where I Am Today

*Note: This may be triggering, just based on numbers. But it’s very positive, so read on if would just like some hope, and to know a little bit more about my story!*

It’s been almost 2 years. Almost 2 years since I went to my doctor, knowing exactly what I was going in for, but trying to deny it. Almost 2 years since my parents confronted me, and I had probably the worst day of my life, just knowing I’d let them down. Almost 2 years since I had a panic attack after eating an apple when I was “too full”.

So where am I now? In a much better place. Yes, I still struggle with always loving my body and with restricting but I’ve come so far from 2 years ago. The 16-year-old me was secretly miserable, lonely and always starving. I was 76 lbs at my lowest. 76 lbs!!! Yes, I’m only 5’1, but my BMI was only a bit above 14. Now I know that’s super-unhealthy.

My early days of recovery were full of stomachaches (from refeeding), Boost shakes and crying/screaming fests. I told my parents several times that I hated them. Now, I hate that I ever said that. My parents are my best support team.

I progressed to seeing a dietician and a therapist. They helped me a bit in my journey, but I honestly feel better without them. Maybe they were the wrong fit for me.

My weight increased (surprisingly) slowly. I was so scared of gaining 5 lbs in a day, but of course that never happened. In almost 2 years, I’ve gained 14 lbs. That number sometimes seems so HUGE to me. Yet, I now weigh 90 lbs, which is still underweight. It’s the most I’ve ever weighed, even before my anorexia, which isn’t always the case for people with EDs. It’s kinda weird that way. But according to my doctor, I’m at a good weight…for now. I’m just barely an adult, so I’m sure that as I get a little older, I’ll have to gain. It’s so scary. I already feel uncomfortable at 90—I’m scared to death of the big 1-0-0. It just seems like too much for my frame. Maybe it is. Maybe I’ll never get there. That’s okay, as long as I can maintain at a weight that is healthy for me, whether that’s a little underweight or not.

In a way, I’m still the girl I was almost 2 years ago. I still have the same interests, in journalism and fashion. I still have the same long, light brown hair and hazel eyes. I’m still 5’1. I’m still struggling with an ED daily, still underweight (but much, much healthier). But I’m stronger now, I have the help and support I need. I know I want recovery. And that’s what counts.

Better Days Ahead

Sorry for the downer post yesterday! I just wanted to get my feelings out there, and while I like to stay positive most of the time, sometimes you just have to say what needs to be said. I'm definitely feeling a lot better about everything today--maybe because it's my half birthday today! This post will be very positive, promise J

I am very excited for this weekend. I’m going home to see my family! It’s only been 11 days since I’ve seen them, but going back to school after a month off for Christmas was a rough transition. I feel like my family is my rock, my support through everything, so I definitely enjoy going back down to see them. I usually go back every other weekend, but I don’t get to spend much time at home, since I don’t get back usually until Friday evening and then I have to leave on Sunday afternoon. But I enjoy every second I have with them, since I don’t see them all that often. Being away at college has definitely made me appreciate them more, and I’m so grateful to have such a great family.

I’m excited to make dinner this weekend. I love cooking, but now I hardly get to do any real cooking since I’m in a dorm. It’s gonna be fun getting back in the kitchen to make something yummy for my family.

I might end up going to Starbucks or a gelato place, too, which is fun. I feel like with my disordered thoughts, I don’t allow myself treats much and I think that after what I’ve been through these past two weeks, I DESERVE a treat. Take that, ED!

I can’t wait to see my sister again. We have a really close relationship, even though I’m usually miles away from her. She might end up being pretty busy this weekend, but I will enjoy every moment I do get to spend with her.

I’m more than ready for a break from my thoughts. I think that when I’m home, away from all the stress at school, I can focus more on living and recovering, without it being a daily struggle. I still want to be at the school I’m at, because I’m so excited to start my career, but I know that for me, I need the support I get at home every once in a while. It makes me stronger.

I’m ready for this weekend to start…I’m ready to start back on the road to recovery and this time, I’m gonna stick to it!

Conflicted

I am scared to write this post. It’s so frightening to get these thoughts out in writing, for anyone to see. But I have to do it to get better.

I wish it weren’t true, but my ED is trying to butt its way back into my life. And I am so mad that it is. I wanted my first few weeks back at school to go smoothly, but they haven’t.

I came back unprepared, I guess. I was surrounded for a month by love, support, happiness. Even the worst moments were nothing to really cry about. Then I got back, and I was overwhelmed. Back to a routine…but it’s harder than last semester. Back to someone I don’t like dealing with…and it hasn’t gotten any easier. Back to feeling judged for everything I do. And being far away from my lifeline of caring.

I’m sick of hearing the voice tell me I’m worthless and fat and no one will like me unless I’m skinnier. It pisses me off, to put it bluntly. I hate it. But I feel like I can’t stop it. I hate to say it, but I’ve been struggling with restricting. Not extreme, but it makes me feel crappy and scared. I want to go back to eating normally and feeling good…but how? It’s all too easy to get stuck in ED’s trap.

I’m trying my hardest to break through it, though. I know it won’t be easy, but I want to get back up and keep climbing the mountain towards recovery. I can’t let two weeks send me back into relapse. I want to get better. I have to. I can’t let this beat me again. I WON’T!!!!!!!

Scared of the Future

I’m excited about what’s to come in my life, don’t get me wrong. But I’m also scared to death. I have no clue what will happen next year, let alone tomorrow. It’s kind of dizzying to think that the only person who really knows everything that will happen to you is God…and sometimes, He likes surprises. And sometimes, I don’t like surprises.

I’m hoping my college experience as a sophomore will be a little better than it was this year as a freshman. It was really hard getting used to something so completely new and different, so next school year should be a bit easier. Hopefully, I’ll be in a better living situation and I’ll be able to handle my course load without so much stress.

I want to get my first job sometime in the near future. I’m worried about the whole interview process, but I think I’m ready to start making my own money, instead of totally relying on my parents. I’m an adult now, and I need to start getting used to it!

I want to have opportunities that will help me in my future career. Luckily, I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do…all I have to do now is figure out how I can get a head start on it now. Internships are sure to come within the next year or so. They probably won’t be fun at first, but you’ve gotta start somewhere, right?

I also want to get rid of my ED once and for all. I’m not setting a specific or even general date for this to happen, because I don’t want to be disappointed. Instead, I’ll take things day by day. If I slip up one time, I’ll do better the next day. I might struggle with negative thoughts my entire life, but as long as it doesn’t control me, I think I can be okay with that.

Someday, probably not soon, but in a few years, I know I’ll probably have to get off birth control. A year ago, I started taking it because both my doctor and therapist insisted I had to take it so I could get my first period. My anorexia came around at a really bad time—just before I would have probably had my first period, if I hadn’t been so thin. I was a late-bloomer, and I’ve been underweight my whole life, but I think that if I had continued to eat normally, I would have gotten my period naturally by the time I was seventeen. Instead, I ruined my body’s chance at finishing what it started (puberty) and I have to take BC so I can actually get a period. I know it’s good for me, because it helps build up my bones—yay, no osteoporosis!—and it’s also cleared up my skin a lot. But if I want to have a family someday, I’ll have to stop so I can start getting my period naturally. And it’s not good to keep taking it non-stop for several years. I know it’ll be scary to stop taking it, but I have to see if my body can function normally without it.

I’m really scared about any future relationships I may have. What if I find a great guy, and I end up screwing up my body and my life again, and I lose him? What if I can’t have kids because of the damage I’ve done? What if I pass my disordered thoughts onto my kids?

For now, I’ll just keep praying and letting each day be a stepping stone towards my future life…whatever that may be!



Hmmm...what's in store for me?



Beyond the Mirror

Most people with an ED see themselves very differently than the world sees them. They may look at themselves and see nothing but fat, when in reality they are just skin and bones.

I feel this way countless times looking in the mirror. Sometimes, I do like what I see but not often. I try to avoid looking at myself when I’m having a bad day, but my reflection is everywhere, from store windows to computer screens.

Even though I know that having anorexia makes me see myself as bigger than I really am, it didn’t really sink in til I started looking at myself in this one certain mirror. It’s one of those kinds of mirrors you’d hang up in a locker—a small, lime green polka-dotted magnetic mirror. When I turned it horizontal, I looked skinny. But if I turned it vertical, I would look fat. I started to really think that the vertical one was the real me. Then I looked at other objects in the mirror, and realized that when it was turned vertically, it distorted the image and made everything look wide. I realized at that moment that that was exactly how I saw myself everyday—bigger than I am. The horizontal image was the real me, not the vertical one. Mirrors do lie, but more importantly, our brains can lie to us too, especially if we have an eating disorder. It tricks us into thinking we are fat and worthless. But we’re not. We’re priceless and we DESERVE  recovery. Our ED doesn’t define us and it doesn’t deserve to be in our lives.



Truth



Big fat LIE!

 

Note: I’m not meaning for these pictures of me to be triggering to anyone, it’s just my interpretation of how the mirror can lie to us!