Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Scared of the Future

I’m excited about what’s to come in my life, don’t get me wrong. But I’m also scared to death. I have no clue what will happen next year, let alone tomorrow. It’s kind of dizzying to think that the only person who really knows everything that will happen to you is God…and sometimes, He likes surprises. And sometimes, I don’t like surprises.
I’m hoping my college experience as a sophomore will be a little better than it was this year as a freshman. It was really hard getting used to something so completely new and different, so next school year should be a bit easier. Hopefully, I’ll be in a better living situation and I’ll be able to handle my course load without so much stress.
I want to get my first job sometime in the near future. I’m worried about the whole interview process, but I think I’m ready to start making my own money, instead of totally relying on my parents. I’m an adult now, and I need to start getting used to it!
I want to have opportunities that will help me in my future career. Luckily, I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do…all I have to do now is figure out how I can get a head start on it now. Internships are sure to come within the next year or so. They probably won’t be fun at first, but you’ve gotta start somewhere, right?
I also want to get rid of my ED once and for all. I’m not setting a specific or even general date for this to happen, because I don’t want to be disappointed. Instead, I’ll take things day by day. If I slip up one time, I’ll do better the next day. I might struggle with negative thoughts my entire life, but as long as it doesn’t control me, I think I can be okay with that.
Someday, probably not soon, but in a few years, I know I’ll probably have to get off birth control. A year ago, I started taking it because both my doctor and therapist insisted I had to take it so I could get my first period. My anorexia came around at a really bad time—just before I would have probably had my first period, if I hadn’t been so thin. I was a late-bloomer, and I’ve been underweight my whole life, but I think that if I had continued to eat normally, I would have gotten my period naturally by the time I was seventeen. Instead, I ruined my body’s chance at finishing what it started (puberty) and I have to take BC so I can actually get a period. I know it’s good for me, because it helps build up my bones—yay, no osteoporosis!—and it’s also cleared up my skin a lot. But if I want to have a family someday, I’ll have to stop so I can start getting my period naturally. And it’s not good to keep taking it non-stop for several years. I know it’ll be scary to stop taking it, but I have to see if my body can function normally without it.
I’m really scared about any future relationships I may have. What if I find a great guy, and I end up screwing up my body and my life again, and I lose him? What if I can’t have kids because of the damage I’ve done? What if I pass my disordered thoughts onto my kids?
For now, I’ll just keep praying and letting each day be a stepping stone towards my future life…whatever that may be!

Hmmm...what's in store for me?


  1. I know what you mean...life is rather scary at times. I've put my poor body through so much and I worry about that, too.

    It sounds like you know what you want, though, and that's half the battle. Put your faith in God - He will loves you and will do what's right for you.
    You can do this!

  2. Thank you so much for this great reminder! We can do all things thru God :)


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