Long Time No Blog!

Hi everyone! I know I haven't blogged in what seems like forever--almost 2 and a half months! I hate to have left you guys hanging with such a downer of a post, so I decided to come back.


I just got 2 very sweet comments on my last post that really made me realize that I miss this blogging community. I actually haven't completely left blogging really--I'm just doing more of it over at almostveggirlie, since I discovered that Wordpress is a lot easier to use. And I also wanted to try to focus less on my eating disorder and more about the rest of my life. 


I am definitely doing a lot better since I posted last. Yes, I am still struggling with feeling okay with eating a good amount, but my body image is much stronger now. I don't hate what I see in the mirror every day, and that is amazing. I am somewhat alright with eating 'indulgences' like froyo and falafel. I don't want to starve my body and mind of what it needs. Sure, I sometimes don't eat enough but I am definitely working on fueling myself the right way. And I think if I do that, my body image will improve even more. There are hard days for sure, but I have to say most days are great.


I had a wonderful Thanksgiving break last week with my family, and I'm so ready to be done with this semester. It's definitely getting stressful with all the finals and projects, but I know that I'll enjoy Christmas break even more if I just push through all this hard stuff. And it's a month off from school, who wouldn't want that?!


So I hope you guys will all come back and read over here (if I decide to keep posting on this blog) or read my Wordpress blog if you want a lot of random posts about food, fashion and my life in general. Hope you all have been doing well and I'll definitely try to catch up on commenting on all your blogs.


Ash :)

Feeling Hot Hot Hot...Or Not

Hey girlies, thanks for all the wise words on my last post. They were just what I needed to get back on track with my eating.

My first week of my sophomore year is almost over (!) and so far, I've been enjoying it. I like my classes for the most part (minus statistics, but I hate math anyways) and I'm really loving having my own room. It's been amazing to be able to come back after classes and just relax and not have to deal with a roommate, and be able to wake up and go to sleep whenever I want.

That's my schedule for this semester. You probably can't read it, plus some of the classes aren't shown in the picture, so I'll just give you all a quick rundown. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday I have Individual & Family Development at 10, then Public Relations at 1. Friday I also have a Statistics recitation at 3. On Tuesday and Thursday, I have Statistics at 9 (I hate having class this early, but it hasn't been too awful yet), American West Since 1900 at 11 (it's a history class) and then Newswriting at 1. I really love the newswriting class, since it's in my major and my professor is super funny. And the class is really small, like 15 people, so I feel like it's more personal. It's weird because I'm in two 300 level classes, which I guess are usually mostly juniors, so whenever I go to those classes, the professors are like "You guys are so mature. Well then again, you are juniors!" Haha, it makes me feel really mature, since I'm just a sophomore.

So I was feeling great all week...until yesterday. Around lunch, I started feeling sick, but in a weird way. I had a strange feeling in my throat and some nausea, but I brushed it off and went to class. By the time I got there, I was feeling worse. I could barely concentrate during class because I thought I was going to throw up (TMI, sorry). Plus I was suddenly freezing, even though it was 90+ degrees outside.

Well, I made it through class and then walked back to my room. As soon as I got back, I tried to sleep. I was alternating between being too cold and too hot and I still felt crappy. But I was able to nap for almost 2 hours, and I felt a little better afterwards. I looked up my symptoms on WebMD and I guessed that I had heat exhaustion. Definitely a possibility, since I had been walking to and from classes for 45 minutes in 90 degree heat.

After my nap, I was kinda hungry so I had a small snack. But afterwards, I felt horrible again. At this point, the ED voice kicked in and was telling me that obviously, eating was out of the question, since I felt sick again afterwards. But...I was able to push those voices aside and I was able to eat a small dinner and a nighttime snack. I knew I had to fuel my body, even though it didn't make me feel awesome.

Today, I've still been feeling a little "off" but definitely much better. And I've continued to fuel my body, because I know it needs it.

Have you ever dealt with heat exhaustion? If you're in college (or ever were), what is/was your favorite class?

All I Can Say Is Eh Eh

I've really been feeling Lady Gaga's "Nothing Else I Can Say" recently, hence my title. My life hasn't been bad, or really amazing lately. Just...eh. Not that that's bad, I just wish I was more positive.

After my recent vlog honesty about my struggles, my body image has actually been on the upswing, which is always a good thing. My bad thoughts about my body come and go in waves, so while it's great that I'm feeling better, I know it won't last. I'm determined to try to fight back this time, though, when the crappy feelings set in again. In fact, they already started to today. For the past few days, I think I actually saw the real 'me' in the mirror. It was refreshing, and I honestly thought to myself "Wow, my legs actually are tiny!" I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. However, all that changed yesterday after I weighed myself. It wasn't some huge, scary number by any means but still frustrating. (*P.S. I don't mean for the numbers to be triggering at all! I have used them before in posts, but if they do offend you, then please skip this part!) I know this will sound sooooo stupid, but I want to weigh 90 lbs so bad. Right now (and for the past few months), I've been hovering 1 or 2 lbs above that and it makes me mad. Mad that no matter what I do, I can't lose those stubborn couple of pounds. I think the real reason I want to weigh 90 lbs is because my original recovery goal weight was 90 lbs and I feel 'fat' if I go above that. Stupid, I know, especially since I'm only a pound over and still technically underweight. I just don't look that underweight in my eyes.



I've also been struggling with an exercise compulsion. I hesitate to call it 'overexercise' because ED still tells me I'm not doing enough, but since summer vacation started a month and a half ago, I haven't gone a day without exercising at least 40 minutes. There were a couple days where I did only 30 or 35 minutes, but there were way more that I did over an hour. In ED's opinion, it's nothing since it's only been 20 minutes cardio, 20 minutes yoga and walking around stores or something most days. But I think that refusing to go even one day without 40 minutes of working out is an exercise addiction. I've even been logging my exercise! And on top of that, I've been hiding the evidence of working out. I mostly do stuff in my room, or I go for a walk by myself or something. And I also think I pulled a muscle in my left calf when I was playing tennis this weekend because I didn't stretch and I overexerted it.

I just feel like I'm going from one behavior to another, from restriction to exercising. I haven't restricted majorly in awhile, since I'm at home and my parents are watching what I'm eating, so now I feel like I have to turn to exercise to control my emotions and my weight. I did the same thing last summer, but I didn't have to work out every day and it was usually for much less time. Exercise never used to be a part of my anorexia, but now I feel like it's taking over my life. I'm not devoting all my time to it, but my thoughts are centered around when I'm going to workout next and how intense it should be. I enjoy exercise, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm too obsessed with it and now it's not fun. I feel like I can't think about anything other than planning my meals and exercising. I'm happy for the most part, I just wish I could stop obsessing over these two things and just enjoy my summer guilt-free.


Sorry about this lame downer of a post. I just feel like I haven't really updated in awhile and I didn't want to make my life seem like it was all sunshine and rainbows (like in my Fave Five Friday posts). Not every day is good, but that doesn't mean I'm giving in.

Don't worry, I'm still smiling :)

Any more advice on the body image thing? Have you struggled with abusing exercise and how do you overcome it?

Almost There

Hi guys! Did you all have a nice Mother’s Day? Well, the real question should be did your mom have a nice Mother’s Day haha!

I’m pretty sure mine did. I realized a few weeks back (yes, I’m a little slow) that Mother’s Day was the weekend before I was coming home for the summer, and I wasn’t planning on going home this past weekend. But then I thought of an amazing idea: my family could all come up to spend the day with me! Well that’s exactly what happened, and I loved it! My parents and sister drove the 2 1/2 hours up to be with me. We had a picnic lunch by the huge (well, huge for CO) lake near my campus, walked around the city park (also huge, with another lake) for a while, grabbed some froyo, sat out on a patio downtown while my parents drank, got dinner at a nice restaurant then headed back to my dorm to load up most of my stuff. That took so many trips, but a lot less than if I had to load everything. I pretty much made my dad carry all the heavy stuff, haha, that’s what he was there for (just kidding). It was a really nice day, I loved being able to spend Mother’s Day with my mom having fun outside. The weather was perfect, too, sunny all day and really really warm! It was at least in the 80s, it probably broke a high temperature record it was so hot for May.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t struggle with restriction. I’ve noticed that I tend to freak out a lot if I have to eat out multiple times in one day. Then I restrict a little, which I never do normally anymore. We got Subway for lunch, and I’m not a huge fan of Subway, but I got a sandwich anyway, the veggie delite. It was the only one I really felt ‘safe’ about eating. I piled it with a bunch of veggies, got it on the wheat bread and only got regular mustard as the sauce. You’d think after choosing something so ‘safe’ (aka low-cal) I would have eaten the whole thing. Well…I didn’t. I would have, except I actually wasn’t really hungry and my sister only ate half of her sandwich (the Italian kind) and I didn’t want to look like a pig. So I only ate half. Then when we got froyo, which I normally really love, I apparently got a small amount because my mom told me that I could get more. If she hadn’t pointed that out, I probably wouldn’t have gotten more. Well, it was still yummy (it was the strawberry lemonade flavor, topped with berries). The place we went to for dinner had their menu online and I had checked it out beforehand to see what I should get. There was no nutritional info, so I just looked to see what sounded good and ‘safe’. At the restaurant, I ended up getting a salad topped with blackened grilled tuna, salsa and mandarin oranges. It has a dressing on the side, but it was creamy so I completely avoided it for that reason. I tried only a tiny bit, and it was really good and spicy, but I was just freaked out. I did eat most of my salad (including most of the tuna), but I knew it probably wasn’t enough. I did have a snack after my parents left, but it didn’t make up for all my restriction.

I hate to always end my posts with how I’m struggling, so I’ll end this one on a happy note: I have finished 2 out of 5 finals and I finally finished my paper for my composition class. I’ve just got to get through three more days, three more finals and then I’m free! Well, except for getting the rest of my stuff out of my room… J

Dinner tonight--sweet tater topped with strawberry Greek yogurt (with more on the side), grapes and unpictured iced coffee with almond milk

Moving On and Moving Up

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!! All your encouraging comments on my previous post were so helpful. Thanks for reminding me that recovery IS worth it, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up about it, but move on. So that’s what I’m doing J

Yesterday, I had planned ahead of time to slowly increase my calories back up after my really bad restrictive day. I was planning on adding in 50 calories, which isn’t a lot, but I knew I needed to start slow or I might end up drastically undereating. So I did that…but when I was having my nighttime snack, I decided to add an extra half-cup of cereal to the amount I already had. Like I said, baby steps, but I’m proud of myself for not falling back into ED’s trap.

I was sort of anxious yesterday afternoon, because I was supposed to hang out with this guy I barely know. I sort of know his cousins, but I’d never met this guy before a few days ago. He asked me to hang out on Saturday, so I said yes, to be polite. Well, I hoped that it would turn out better than it did. He’s pretty attractive if I do say so myself and it seemed like we had some things in common. Well, we just ended up doing random stuff, like walking around campus, and he was talking like nonstop, probably because he was nervous or something. But then he started asking me all these personal kind of questions, like how many boyfriends I’ve had and what I think about sex. Um, awkward much????? Yeah, I felt super-awkward and after that point, I was totally turned off him. Like seriously, what guy asks a girl that he barely knows if she’s “gone all the way” (yes, he did ask this!) Needless to say, I was ready to go back to my room and try to forget about this. I did have fun some of the time, but the awkwardness of it just made the whole experience bad.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of it. He texted me a few hours later asking if I wanted to see a movie with him. Um, hell no! I told him I had a paper to write, and he replied that I could do it another day. At that point, I was just pissed, so I put my foot down and said no, sorry, I can’t. Then he stopped texting me (luckily) and I haven’t heard anything since. I hope I never see him again. I know that sounds mean, but he came on way too strong. It wasn’t like we were on a first date or anything—I’m only friends with him on Facebook and we know some of the same people. I barely met him before yesterday, so I think I have every right to be weirded out.  

Anyways, to put that awkwardness behind me, I’m moving on and moving up. I’m forgetting yesterday and also the days before, when ED had me in his grasp. I’m going back to eating as normally as possible, and trying to cut back on the exercise, unless I actually want to do it. I’m continuing on the path of recovery and not letting this get in my way. I want to live my life again, without ED.

Q’s: Have you ever had a similar experience with a guy? If ED was out of your life completely for a day, what would you do?

I'm Stronger Than This...Right?

*Warning: May be triggering!*

I just wanted to let you guys know how much I appreciate all your support. I know I’ve said it before, but it means so much to me to be surrounded by this great community.

So, confession time: I have royally effed up. No joke. It started innocently enough, with those sneaky little ED-fueled thoughts, like “You were so much skinnier yesterday!” and “You need to exercise for at least an hour every day, no matter what!” (lies, I know). Then it progressed to me actually acting on these urges. The past 3 days, I have gone for a walk around campus. No big deal, right? Well, it wasn’t me who wanted to walk—sure it was nice to enjoy the scenery, but it was cold, windy and cloudy. And I pushed myself to the point where my foot hurts again. Not fun.

Even worse? ED talked me into major restriction today—I’m talking under-1000 calories major. Yeah, haven’t done that in 2 years. I tried to convince myself it was okay, since I didn’t get too hungry, but it isn’t okay. I felt chest pain today when I was doing normal activities. Not cool.

Oh, and despite my severe restriction today, I still forced myself to walk in the cold. All I gotta say is, WTF?

So why am I allowing ED back into my life? Honestly, I don’t know. My life is otherwise humming along, not too stressful. I guess I’ve just let my guard down and he snuck up on me. The scary things is, he’s telling me I’d be “better” if I weighed 85 pounds. What???? Um, hello, that would put me at a BMI of 16. I’m already underweight as it is. He’s telling me it would be “okay”, since I weighed that much naturally pre-ED. Okay, but now I’m an adult woman and I don’t think 85 is healthy for me anymore. Besides, I didn’t even get my period at that weight (I don’t naturally now, I’m on BC but that’s beside the point). Basically, ED is pissing me off…but not enough to make me tell him off.

Sorry guys; had to get that off my chest. I don’t feel proud of the recent choices I’ve made, but I don’t know how to get back on track. Help!!!!!!!!



Obviously I'm not in the mood for pictures, but this was a yummy yogurt mess I had the other day. The Greek yogurt was frozen, so it was like frozen yogurt...yum!



Q’s: Any ideas for me to stop this slip and start recovering again? Who else wants to tell ED to STFU (hahaha not really a question but still)?