*Warning: May be triggering!*
I just wanted to let you guys know how much I appreciate all your support. I know I’ve said it before, but it means so much to me to be surrounded by this great community.
So, confession time: I have royally effed up. No joke. It started innocently enough, with those sneaky little ED-fueled thoughts, like “You were so much skinnier yesterday!” and “You need to exercise for at least an hour every day, no matter what!” (lies, I know). Then it progressed to me actually acting on these urges. The past 3 days, I have gone for a walk around campus. No big deal, right? Well, it wasn’t me who wanted to walk—sure it was nice to enjoy the scenery, but it was cold, windy and cloudy. And I pushed myself to the point where my foot hurts again. Not fun.
Even worse? ED talked me into major restriction today—I’m talking under-1000 calories major. Yeah, haven’t done that in 2 years. I tried to convince myself it was okay, since I didn’t get too hungry, but it isn’t okay. I felt chest pain today when I was doing normal activities. Not cool.
Oh, and despite my severe restriction today, I still forced myself to walk in the cold. All I gotta say is, WTF?
So why am I allowing ED back into my life? Honestly, I don’t know. My life is otherwise humming along, not too stressful. I guess I’ve just let my guard down and he snuck up on me. The scary things is, he’s telling me I’d be “better” if I weighed 85 pounds. What???? Um, hello, that would put me at a BMI of 16. I’m already underweight as it is. He’s telling me it would be “okay”, since I weighed that much naturally pre-ED. Okay, but now I’m an adult woman and I don’t think 85 is healthy for me anymore. Besides, I didn’t even get my period at that weight (I don’t naturally now, I’m on BC but that’s beside the point). Basically, ED is pissing me off…but not enough to make me tell him off.
Sorry guys; had to get that off my chest. I don’t feel proud of the recent choices I’ve made, but I don’t know how to get back on track. Help!!!!!!!!
|Obviously I'm not in the mood for pictures, but this was a yummy yogurt mess I had the other day. The Greek yogurt was frozen, so it was like frozen yogurt...yum!|
Q’s: Any ideas for me to stop this slip and start recovering again? Who else wants to tell ED to STFU (hahaha not really a question but still)?