Friday, March 25, 2011

I'm Stronger Than This...Right?

*Warning: May be triggering!*
I just wanted to let you guys know how much I appreciate all your support. I know I’ve said it before, but it means so much to me to be surrounded by this great community.
So, confession time: I have royally effed up. No joke. It started innocently enough, with those sneaky little ED-fueled thoughts, like “You were so much skinnier yesterday!” and “You need to exercise for at least an hour every day, no matter what!” (lies, I know). Then it progressed to me actually acting on these urges. The past 3 days, I have gone for a walk around campus. No big deal, right? Well, it wasn’t me who wanted to walk—sure it was nice to enjoy the scenery, but it was cold, windy and cloudy. And I pushed myself to the point where my foot hurts again. Not fun.
Even worse? ED talked me into major restriction today—I’m talking under-1000 calories major. Yeah, haven’t done that in 2 years. I tried to convince myself it was okay, since I didn’t get too hungry, but it isn’t okay. I felt chest pain today when I was doing normal activities. Not cool.
Oh, and despite my severe restriction today, I still forced myself to walk in the cold. All I gotta say is, WTF?
So why am I allowing ED back into my life? Honestly, I don’t know. My life is otherwise humming along, not too stressful. I guess I’ve just let my guard down and he snuck up on me. The scary things is, he’s telling me I’d be “better” if I weighed 85 pounds. What???? Um, hello, that would put me at a BMI of 16. I’m already underweight as it is. He’s telling me it would be “okay”, since I weighed that much naturally pre-ED. Okay, but now I’m an adult woman and I don’t think 85 is healthy for me anymore. Besides, I didn’t even get my period at that weight (I don’t naturally now, I’m on BC but that’s beside the point). Basically, ED is pissing me off…but not enough to make me tell him off.
Sorry guys; had to get that off my chest. I don’t feel proud of the recent choices I’ve made, but I don’t know how to get back on track. Help!!!!!!!!

Obviously I'm not in the mood for pictures, but this was a yummy yogurt mess I had the other day. The Greek yogurt was frozen, so it was like frozen yogurt...yum!

Q’s: Any ideas for me to stop this slip and start recovering again? Who else wants to tell ED to STFU (hahaha not really a question but still)?


  1. Yes, you are stronger than this. You are so strong, and never forget it. Bumps like this happen. Just read through your old posts. Remind yourself of the progress you've made. It is hard, but remind yourself why you are recovering. Do you really want to be cold, tired, weak, sad, and isolated again? Or do you want to be energetic, viberant, social, happy, and thriving? I think #2 right? Right! A low weight does not equal happiness. ED knows that and he's trying to hide the truth from you. Usually when you feel crappy about yourself and your body, the bad feeling is ED whithering away and painfully dying. So when you have a bad body day, that's all it is: ED getting weaker and you getting stronger! You can do this Ash. I know it!

  2. You can get through this, Ash. I know how hard it is to pull out of a slump, but you're so much stronger now than you were before- I can tell even from just reading your blog posts.

    I agree with Bryana, remember your reasons for recovery. Remember how horrible it was to have ED running your life. True, you might have bad days, but think about how amazing life is when YOU (not ED) are in control. Don't give up.

    You are strong and amazing and beautiful and you can beat ED!

  3. You are absolutely stronger than this, Ash!!! I'm so sorry that you are struggling right now, but I am so proud of you for being honest with yourself (and us) about it. That shows that despite having a hard time with fighting your eating disorder, you're not giving up and you're not in denial about how you're doing. That kind of accountability and self-knowledge is going to be what helps you overcome this slip!!! <3

    I second everything Bryana says :-)

    When I am struggling, I remind myself of why I want recovery, and why I do not want to give in to my eating disorder. I have a "Reasons for Recovery" list that I look at when I need motivation, which is basically all of my goals that I want to accomplish in life that I know I can't accomplish if I'm stuck in an ED. I also have a "What I lost to my ED" list, so I can be reminded that I never want to lose my health and personality ever again! Any sort of activity that helps you reconnect with your motivation for recovery, try it! You have your whole life ahead of you, Ash- focus on how you don't want to let an eating disorder hold you back.

    Also, when I'm having a hard time it helps me to get support while I'm eating by just eating with a close friend or family member that I'm comfortable with. Keeps me distracted and holds me accountable, because I know I can't really get away with restricting in front of loved ones who know what I'm going through.

    YOU CAN DO THIS, ASH!!!!!! You can overcome this slip, get back on the road to recovery, and kick some ED butt. We all believe in you. <3

  4. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling, but I know that you can get through this. I slip up every now and then and I just try to keep in mind that I can get through it and that I have to. I try to remember how miserable I was before and how much better I am now that I'm recovering. Just remember why you're doing this and keep working. I wish there was some magical thing I could tell you, but I there isn't. I know you can do this. Best wishes, always.

  5. Ash, this does happen. Your recovery is not perfect.

    Mine certainly is not! I was 19 when I had to be put in the out-patient program (couldn't afford the treatment with insurance) and did okay then went back to my ED behaviors because of the EFFING thoughts!

    Then I got I'm finding myself on a slippery slope again. So I am reaching out for help.

    So recovery is NOT ONE perfect linear path. It has curves, hills, and valleys where you will find yourself facing a lot of obstacles.

    But the important part is, YOU ARE RECOGNIZING THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. So now it is up to you to go uphill and maintain your recovery. You are worth it!!! Hugs.

  6. Recovery is a complete roller coaster of huge ups and downs. You can do this. One therapist of mine once told me that if I just continued going up and up in my recovery then she'd be worried I wasn't really recovering.

    As Ashley ^ ( above ) said- it's not linear at all..

    YOU CAN DO THIS. HANG IN THERE- You've come so far!!

  7. I am in the same boat as you Ash! And it sucks. I want ED to STFU as well. As for ways to get back on track, try to stop using behaviors. Think really hard about if YOU actually want to go on a walk. And bulk up your meals a bit. The thoughts will subside as your use of behaviors does. But it will take baby steps. Recovery is not a linear prosess. But the fact that you can tell listening to ED has to stop is so good.

    Keep up the amazing work Ash. You are SO MUCH STONGER THAN ED. Hang in there! I'll be thinking of you.

  8. I did not comment earlier because I am in the SAME EXACT PLACE....I swear we probably weigh the same, too. I could have written this. I am glad to hear that you gave yourself the wake-up call you needed and I wanted to thank you for being so honest.

    I rarely get so detailed on my blog, but I deal with crap like this all the time.


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