Long Time No Blog!

Hi everyone! I know I haven't blogged in what seems like forever--almost 2 and a half months! I hate to have left you guys hanging with such a downer of a post, so I decided to come back.


I just got 2 very sweet comments on my last post that really made me realize that I miss this blogging community. I actually haven't completely left blogging really--I'm just doing more of it over at almostveggirlie, since I discovered that Wordpress is a lot easier to use. And I also wanted to try to focus less on my eating disorder and more about the rest of my life. 


I am definitely doing a lot better since I posted last. Yes, I am still struggling with feeling okay with eating a good amount, but my body image is much stronger now. I don't hate what I see in the mirror every day, and that is amazing. I am somewhat alright with eating 'indulgences' like froyo and falafel. I don't want to starve my body and mind of what it needs. Sure, I sometimes don't eat enough but I am definitely working on fueling myself the right way. And I think if I do that, my body image will improve even more. There are hard days for sure, but I have to say most days are great.


I had a wonderful Thanksgiving break last week with my family, and I'm so ready to be done with this semester. It's definitely getting stressful with all the finals and projects, but I know that I'll enjoy Christmas break even more if I just push through all this hard stuff. And it's a month off from school, who wouldn't want that?!


So I hope you guys will all come back and read over here (if I decide to keep posting on this blog) or read my Wordpress blog if you want a lot of random posts about food, fashion and my life in general. Hope you all have been doing well and I'll definitely try to catch up on commenting on all your blogs.


Ash :)

I Hate...

So I haven't really posted in awhile, but hopefully the next paragraph will explain why. Basically, I haven't had the best past few weeks, ED-wise. Honestly, I've messed up a ton. Sadly, I can't really bring myself to care enough to stop, and as far as I know, I haven't lost any weight, which is why I feel I have to keep restricting. This is really, really hard for me to write, but I think honesty is really important in this process. I'd really appreciate comments, but I completely understand if you'd rather not comment.

**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!


I hate feeling fat. I hate wanting needing to lose a few pounds. I hate feeling guilty for eating a few extra pieces of cereal after (an inadequate) breakfast. I hate not knowing what I weigh, and if I've lost any weight yet. I hate worrying every moment of the day about what I'm eating. I hate restricting to under 1000 calories, every single day (a couple of days it was around 600), and feeling like crap if I eat a little more than normal. I hate feeling compelled to exercise in my room, even though I walk for 45-60 minutes a day for classes, and sometimes I just don't feel like working out. I hate measuring my thighs and arms every day to see if they've gotten any smaller. I hate looking at older pictures of myself and beating myself up for not looking as tiny anymore. I hate how I constantly worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat. I hate not caring anymore that I'm screwing my metabolism over. I hate that I think 90 pounds is too fat for me and anything over that is out of the question. I hate not seeing results after all my restriction. I hate how I feel proud that my butt starts hurting after only a little while of sitting down. I hate how people never tell me I look skinny anymore and how I have to rely on my own ED-ified brain to figure out if I look okay. I hate that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to have relapsed. I hate that I'm determined to be 85 pounds again, despite how underweight that is. I hate that I'm so obsessed with being skinny, and I'll probably never be skinny enough. I hate that I feel like I have to eat and exercise this way in order to stay healthy. I hate that I think I'll never be truly recovered...

It's No Joking Matter

Hi girlies! Sorry I haven't been around lately. I honestly have had no writing inspiration at all...until today, that is.

Last night, I happened to catch part of an educational show called "Fighting Fat". It was all about obesity, as you can imagine, and they were talking about different ways to combat the issue.

The only part I really saw was an interview with one woman who'd gone through gastric bypass surgery and had lost a lot of weight. However, she still wasn't at a healthy weight and she admitted to that. I think she was a stand-up comedian, and they showed one of her shows. She joked that "luckily, I've overcome my anorexia". Everyone in the audience laughed at that, but it made my heart twinge a little. I realized at that moment that jokes about anorexia really don't make me feel good.

I never really thought about it before, probably because I've never really encountered stuff like that. But I honestly really hate when people joke about it (especially people who have never personally experienced it) or when they belittle it. Anorexia (and all eating disorders) are real diseases that affect a lot of people--not just those that have it. So in my book, making fun of it or saying "Why don't you just eat?" are not okay.

There are so many misconceptions about EDs that I could go on an on about, but all I want to say is that they ARE NOT a choice--they are a disease just like cancer and ADHD. Anorexics aren't just vain girls (and guys) that stop eating so they can look better. There are real psychological issues behind the disorder and it's time that people start realizing that.

What do you think about eating disorder jokes?

Back-to-School Blues & Hunger Cues

So my sophomore year starts tomorrow, and I can't believe where the summer's gone. I'm kind of sad it's almost over, but also excited to start the new school year fresh. I'm really hoping it'll be a lot better than last year. I liked last year, but I wasn't on the best of terms with my freshman year roommate and it kind of soured my experience. This year, I'm still in the dorms, but in a much nicer and newer building (with air conditioning!) and I have a room to myself. I do have to share a bathroom with 2 other girls, so I'm really hoping we hit it off or at least have a better relationship than my ex-roomie and I had. So far, they and a lot of other people (including guys!) on my floor seem really nice so I'm hoping everything goes well.

Move-in weekend was a lot smoother than last year for sure. My dad and I drove up Friday morning, grabbed lunch at Qdoba and then got to unloading the car. We took several trips up and down three flights of stairs and the elevator, but we got all of it in. My mom and sister drove up later and we unloaded the rest of the stuff and then headed over to the hotel we were staying at over the weekend. Then we got some dinner at one of my favorite places, Mad Greens. I've gotta admit, I've been kind of restricting a lot this weekend, not necessarily on purpose but my hunger has been out of whack since Saturday and it's freaking me out. Now I think it's back, but I still feel that pull towards continuing restricting so I'm not sure how that's going to go down this week, especially with all the stressage from new classes. I ended up getting a salad with baby greens, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, cannellini beans and tofu and I really just did not like the taste of it, so I barely ate any of it. But I did steal some bites of pita from my dad's panini so at least I did eat something.



Qdoba Naked Fajita Burrito with lime rice, black beans, pico de gallo and grilled veggies


Saturday we woke up bright and early at a quarter to 9. I had a small breakfast of Bear Naked granola and green grapes, since I still wasn't hungry, but I had a little breakdown when my mom insisted that I eat the Light 'n Fit yogurt she brought up from the breakfast buffet in the lobby. I was mostly upset because it wasn't my usual organic Greek yogurt with tons of protein (this yogurt only had 3 grams!) and natural ingredients. I ate a tiny bit and then threw out the rest when she wasn't looking. I really felt sneaky, like I did back in my ED days when I'd throw my food in the trash and never got caught. But honestly, the yogurt tasted way too sweet and chemical-y for me so I couldn't eat any more of it.

After getting some things at the store (including another mini fridge so I could turn it into a makeshift freezer), we headed back to the hotel for a quick lunch. My hunger was still mostly MIA, so I just ended up having most of a 200-calorie vegan tortilla soup (delish, BTW) and some grapes. The sad thing was, I actually felt guilty for eating that much because my mom only had some crackers and hummus because she wasn't hungry, either.

The parentals left for the rest of the afternoon to go on brewery tours so my sis and I just chilled at the hotel. We went to the pool for a little bit, played around with the radio in the room and people-watched from our third-story window. Some time during the afternoon, I finally felt a little hunger pang so I had some multigrain chips that I brought along. At this point, the hunger wouldn't go away, so I had some more grapes and a little granola. Of course, I felt incredibly guilty for eating this much, even though I was hungry.

We went out to dinner at a new-to-us place called Beach House Grill. At first, I didn't think I was going to like it, but I ended up getting something I really loved. For the first time all weekend, I feel like I actually ate a decent amount, even though it was pretty low-cal: a few small pieces of grilled mahi mahi in lettuce wraps, with fruit salsa and black beans and rice on the side. I also tried some of the green salsa and it was really spicy, so I had to drink a lot of water. I ended up feeling uncomfortably full after dinner (because of all the water), so again I felt guilty. I did end up feeling hungry again later so I had a small snack of Whole Foods sandwich cookies and raisins.



Some gorgeous flowers at the CSU gardens


Today has been rough eating-wise, too. I had an okay breakfast, a salad of just greens and grapes at lunch, some delicious birthday cake and soy chocolate gelato (best thing I've had all weekend!) for a snack and then my floor went to the dining hall for dinner together and I ended up just getting a salad with carrots and a few sunflower seeds with grapes on the side. Definitely not enough fuel, considering I've been running around campus and town most of the day. I tried to make up for it by having some multigrain chips and pineapple earlier, but I know I didn't eat enough.



I think I could just live on gelato...


Right now, I'm just incredibly exhausted from the weekend and stressed out about school. The last thing I need to think about now is food...which is exactly why I'm slipping. And now that I've had this slip-up last all weekend, it's so much easier to keep giving in and eat less and less. I haven't felt the urge to restrict in a long time, but it's back again. And I don't know what to do...


What do you do to get back on track after days of eating less?

Happy Herbivore

I mentioned in this post a while back that I was seriously considering vegetarianism. I honestly think it's completely sickening how most animals are treated and on top of that, I just can't really stomach meat anymore. It doesn't appeal to me whatsoever, not even seafood as much.

This summer, my mom's kinda been on my case about my eating, which has been a little annoying but understandable. Mostly, she was just upset that I haven't really been eating meat at all lately. It's been a while since I actually ate a substantial amount of chicken or fish--if it's been part of a meal, I just kind of picked around it. But...this isn't another form of restriction. It's because I really just don't want to eat meat anymore, for ethical and personal reasons.  It just grosses me out now.

My mom talked to me a few days ago about this, and I was surprised to hear her say that a vegan diet has been shown to be helpful in eating disorder recovery. She just wants to make sure that I get enough calcium (I'm going to start taking a supplement and I'll still be eating Greek yogurt--so not fully vegan) and fats. Eating enough fat has been really hard for me during my ED and now in recovery, but now I'm going to be more committed to eating enough healthy fats.

So basically, I'm going mostly vegan. I will still have some dairy occasionally, but most of it doesn't appeal to me, besides my beloved Greek yogurt and gelato. I'm going to focus on high-quality plant proteins, such as beans, quinoa and tempeh (all things I love, BTW) and also on fats, like nuts, almond butter and avocado. This is NOT another way for me to fall back on ED, though. Eating vegetarian or mostly vegan really does make me feel my healthiest and happiest and I think eating this way could help me on the road to recovery. I will NOT allow myself to fall back into the "low fat" and "low calorie" trap again. I want to sustain this lifestyle so I can be as healthy as possible. I won't use this new way of eating disguise my anorexia or orthorexia. I really believe that this will be a challenge to me--I may have to go out of my comfort zone and try something new and "scary". But it's a challenge I'm more than willing to try!

One of my fave new veg finds is the Whole Foods hot/cold bars--I love the curried tofu quinoa salad and the maple roasted sweet potatoes!

Just a note, I'm not trying to advocate that this is a perfect lifestyle for everyone. Every person has different needs and preferences and this is just what works for me best.

What changes have you made to your eating habits that have helped you in your recovery?

Being Honest With Myself

This is a really hard post for me to write. A lot of my recent posts have been all bubbly and happy, and part of me is like that right now. I've got most of August to look forward to before I go back to school, I had a great birthday on Wednesday and life is pretty good for me right now. But another part of me feels enslaved--to ED--and also robotic, like I'm just going through the motions of my life without really feeling anything.

I think it all started on my birthday. It started out really well, but as the day progressed, I started feeling a twinge of guilt. I woke up early, like 6, because my mom and I were going to the IKEA grand opening. So I didn't get a chance to do my normal morning workout. We ate out at Panera for lunch (I got the strawberry poppyseed salad and barely ate any of the chicken). I was exhausted by the time we got home because we'd been practically running around the store for 2 hours trying to find the things we wanted to buy. So I only ended up doing 10 minutes of a cardio circuit and 10 minutes of yoga. Then my dad got home and we all went out to eat at Pei Wei. I got my usual Vietnamese chicken salad rolls, and ate two out of 3 of them, but also some edamame and some of my dad's brown rice and peanuts. And then later at home, we had some birthday gelato and I got a little bit extra. I felt horribly horribly fat and guilty. But come on, it was my birthday. I have the right to indulge, and they weren't even big indulgences. But I still felt bad.

Since then, I've been feeling like I'm eating more, even though I'm not really. I mentally beat myself up if I eat a few extra pieces of cereal or some raisins. I even restricted yesterday on purpose by only having some fruit at snack. I know I should be fueling myself more, especially since I played an hour of tennis yesterday, but I just can't. It feels...good to give in to ED. I feel like I'm strong and in control when really, I'm slipping, slowly but surely. I don't think I'm losing weight (I haven't weighed myself in a month I think) but that might be an ED trick. I noticed this week that I had a slightly lighter period than usual, but I didn't really think much about it. I'm on birth control, so I don't know if minor weight loss or undernourishment can cause changes in menstruation.

I think I'm giving in to ED because my recovery seems to be going no where. I still exercise on a daily basis, always at least 40 minutes. My calf has been hurting a lot lately, but I ignore the pain. The thing is, exercising isn't even that fun anymore. I feel like a robot programmed to do it every day, but I'm getting burned out.

I've been doing okay body-image wise. Not the best, but not too bad either. I've been feeling for a long time that if I could just lose 5 or so pounds, I would be a lot happier about how I look. I mean, I weighed that much for at least two years prior to ED. Why isn't it an okay weight now? I know that my BMI would be at 16 if I lost only a few pounds (BMI is stupid, but still), but I just feel so uncomfortable where I am right now. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I was at a healthy weight, even at the very low end of the scale.

So honestly, I don't even know where my recovery is going right now. I'm still eating fairly normally, but I sometimes worry that my metabolism is slow because I don't eat 1800 calories or whatever it is that's supposed to be a healthy number for maintenance. I don't think I could ever eat that much food. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near a dangerous level but I'm wondering if all this exercise plus not quite enough fuel is slowing down my metabolism. I really just don't know. Here's the thing: I definitely don't want to give up all the progress I've made over 2 years, but I'm scared to let go of ED. So it's a balancing act, and I don't know which side will win out...

Have you ever had to be honest with yourself about something that's hard to face?

Way Back Wednesday: "At 19, Everything is Possible and Tomorrow Looks Friendly."

19 years ago today, I was born in Desert Samaritan Hospital in Phoenix, AZ. I don't remember anything about that day (obviously!) except what my parents have told me--it was at the beginning of the 1992 Summer Olympics (held in Barcelona), my mom was in labor for about 36 hours before I was delivered by C-section and it was super-hot, in the 110s.

In those 19 years, I've accomplished a lot, been through a lot, probably more than I'd have ever imagined. As a little girl, I thought my life as a teenager would be carefree and easy, just like on TV shows. On my birthday every year, I dug into my cake without caring about how many calories or fat were in it. I just enjoyed the moment and didn't worry about what would happen to me in the next year. A lot has changed since then, but I'm still that innocent, fun-loving little girl at heart.

To celebrate, I decided to share 19 moments that have happened over the years that were important to me, shaped me as a person or were just fun.

[Age 1]: I learned to talk at 9 months (and haven't stopped since ;) )


8 months old (sorry about the bad photo quality--I had to take a picture of a picture!)

[Age 2]: We moved to Colorado Springs from Arizona.

14 months old

[Age 3]: I started taking dance classes--and didn't stop until I was 15!

[Age 4]: Preschool. My mom wanted to hold me back, because I was younger than most of the other kids and not as socially-mature, but my dad persuaded her to let me start kindergarten.

First dance recital

 [Age 5]: Kindergarten. On the first day, I marched off into class and didn't look back! I wish school was that easy again...

[Age 6]: I got my first think-it-through (an elementary school discipline thing) and it made me so upset that I lied to my parents (for the first time ever, I think!) about it.

[Age 7]: I started second grade at a new elementary school.



Easter! I always loved digging into my basket and devouring the candy (especially Jelly Bellies)

  [Age 8]: I met my (former) best friend, Jenna. We were inseperable until high school.

[Age 9]: I fractured my right ankle and had to be in a cast (glow-in-the-dark!) for a couple of months. I was in karate and acro dance at the time, but we never figured out exactly how I broke it. I was just disappointed that I didn't get to use crutches LOL!

[Age 10]: I started playing soccer with the YMCA in the fall (my team was the Golden Buffaloes).




I remember many camping trips when I was younger


[Age 11]: I got my ears pierced for my 11th birthday, but six months later, one of of them got infected and I ended up having to go to urgent care to get it taken out! Needless to say, I never got anything pierced after that!

[Age 12]: I started playing the tenor saxophone for my middle school band and jazz band. Yes, I used to be a band geek!

[Age 13]: I celebrated my 13th birthday with a sleepover and mall scavenger hunt with some of my friends.

[Age 14]: I started high school.




I also started a fashion blog (this was one of my first pictures for it)

 [Age 15]: I got my driver's permit, quit dance and joined the Yearbook staff.

Family vacay

[Age 16]: I got my license (and later, started recovering from my eating disorder).

[Age 17]: I graduated high school in May.



Graduation night!


[Age 18]: I started (and got through) my first year of college.

[Age 19]: Nothing yet--but I'm starting my sophomore year, I'm living on my own...who knows what may happen!



Ready to take on the world (at almost 19)!

What is one of your favorite birthday memories?

I Suck At Moderation

Hi guys, sorry I've been MIA over here lately. I could say it's because I'm really busy or because I'm having lots of fun (both true) but the real reason is because I've been having such a hard time coming up with a topic to post on. But today I finally have one, and it's about moderation.


On the Today Show this morning, there was this little bit about how everything in moderation is really good for you. I wasn't really watching it, but my mom started talking to me and my sister (I have a feeling she was talking more to me...) about this thing she saw about this woman whose doctor told her that she could eat everything she wanted to, only in small portions, to lose weight. Apparently, it worked for her. Then I started thinking about how moderation and I do not get along. At all. I mean, having an eating disorder, by definition, is the opposite of moderation. For me, it means restriction, avoiding foods I deem unhealthy and feeling like I have to exercise every single day.


I feel like moderation is something that works for some people, but not for me! That is probably another stupid lie ED is feeding me, but that's how I feel. I think that if I eat some ice cream, or real French fries--even in a normal, or small amount--that I will become HUGE and I'll love the food so much that I'll have it on a regular basis, and that would be bad. Logically, that's probably not true, but I've become so attached to eating as healthily as possible that it's really hard to let it go. Honestly, I don't think anything's wrong with the way I eat now but some people might view it as restrictive. I eat organic whenever possible and I look for foods that give me a lot of bang for my nutritional buck--things like rolled oats, fruits & veggies, unsweetened soy milk, sprouted grain tortillas, Pure bars, beans and almond butter. None of those things are bad at all, but the problem is that I cut out other things to make room for those things. For instance, now I refuse to drink cow's milk (even skim) or eat corn tortillas, just because at one point I deemed those "less than healthy". There's nothing wrong with eating healthy, as long as it doesn't go too far. It did for me, and now I still struggle with orthorexia. However, I have to admit that eating healthy actually does make me feel a lot better, but I wish I could do it in a way that's balanced, not restrictive.






Fruit is great, but you shouldn't eliminate other things to eat it

 I've talked about my recent addiction to exercise. Everyone knows that being active is a good thing, but what about if you can't go a day without it? What if you feel guilty for only working out for 45 minutes when you could have gone at least an hour? What if you feel like you have to exercise in order to eat a normal amount? That's when I think exercise has become an unhealthy obsession. I'd like moderation in this area of my life too.






I'd like to workout when I want to

 Basically, right now I really suck at moderation. I'm so much better with not restricting the amount I eat (though I still deal with that, too) but I'm having such a hard time letting go of my rigid food rules and exercise schedule.


Do you "suck" at moderation, too?

The Comparison Trap

Recovery from an eating disorder is rough, but there's no doubt that it's also a learning experience. As we progress, we learn new things about ourselves that ED covered up and we also discover our strengths and weaknesses. Through my personal journey, I'm realizing that I do have things to offer the world and that I'm not afraid to share my emotions when the time is right. However, I recognize that I still struggle with comparing myself to others, whether it's with food, appearance or just success in life.

Growing up with a younger sister, my life always seemed to be a competition. When I was younger, I had to 'compete' for attention from my parents. I had to learn to be a big sister, and remember that I was not an only child anymore. Later on, when we both started developing interests, we competed against each other to see who could be the 'best'. It didn't help that for awhile we were both involved in a lot of the same things, like dance and acting, so it seemed like one of us would always come out ahead. It was the same with school. I'm four grades ahead of my sister, but I always felt inadequate and stupid when my sister would come home with straight A's and I'd have a mix of A's and B's. Sometimes I still feel competitive but I try to remind myself that we're each great in our own ways and there's no point in trying to be 'better' than the other one.



Me and my sister at a competitive age (I'm on the right)

 With my eating disorder, I still struggle with comparing myself to other people. I'll see a girl at the store about my height and instantly think I'm fatter than her. Even though comparing yourself to others is never a good thing, it's better if you're at least comparing yourself to someone similar. Most of the time I compare myself to these random girls, I'm 99% positive that they're a few years younger than me. ED says "Yeah, they might be younger than you but they're the same height as you and they're skinnier." But really, why am I wasting my time comparing my body to someone's who may not have even gone through puberty yet? I'm an adult woman in college, I don't need to look like a little girl. I'm naturally petite but that doesn't mean I have to look like I'm still in middle school.



I like to take dorky pics of myself and that's okay ;)

 I also compare what I eat to what others eat. Sometimes, I check out healthy living blogs and while a lot of them are very positive and show a healthy mix of eating and exercise (like Carrie's and Megan's), some of them aren't. I see what they eat and think I can do the same. I feel guilty for not eating as 'cleanly' as some of them do. I eat pretty healthily-- mini Clif bars and organic froyo are my 'junk food' (just to clarify, I'm not saying that I think it's bad if people choose to eat more processed foods, it's just my personal preference not to)--but I feel bad when I see some of these people doing sugar free challenges because even though I don't eat white sugar, I still have a big sweet tooth. One thing I have learned: everyone's different, what works for one person won't necessarily work for you. It's okay to get recipe inspiration or whatever, but don't try to copy everything someone else eats. Just do what feels right for you, whether it's veganism, meat-eating, intuitive eating, meal planning or whatever. Stop the comparison game, and you'll feel so much better!



I've found what works for me: seafood/fish every so often, veggies and LOTS of fruit...



...with some yummy gelato once in awhile :)

 Q's: Have you ever compared what you eat to what others eat? What about body comparison?

Dear Ashley...

Dear Ashley,

        Right now, you’re struggling with ‘feeling fat’. You know deep down that fat isn’t a feeling, but you can’t help picking out your flaws every time you pass a mirror. You can’t help comparing your meals to others. You can’t help feeling like a pig when you eat a snack in class or when your roommate’s around. You can’t wait to go home for the summer in two weeks, but you also dread it because then you can’t get away with measuring your food. You long to step on the scale again (in secret, of course) but you fear seeing the number. Anything over 90 or 91 would be devastating. But you know what? You are committed to beating this. Even though there’s a small part of you that wants to lose five pounds, a much bigger part of you knows it will derail your success. Even though you think you look fat, your mom just told you that your legs look too skinny. Even though you don’t think you deserve help, she’s worried about you relapsing. Even though ED tells you that crackers, and apple and a Pure bar are a sufficient and “normal” lunch, they aren’t. Even though the disordered part of you screams at you to run, your foot hurts even when you walk. Even though you feel incredibly guilty for not giving in to ED, it’s for the very best. Everyone who cares for you wants the best for your life, and anorexia is just the opposite. Remember that you are worth recovery and you should be proud of how far you’ve come.

With Love, Ashley

P.S. Don't ever doubt that you're beautiful!

*No questions tonight, but I encourage you to write a letter to yourself if you’re struggling or just need a little boost! I think it really helps me to just get the words out there and be honest with myself.

A Moral Dilemma

So in my Moral and Social Problems class (yes, I know, that sounds so negative!) we’ve just started discussing the issue of animal rights and the environment. Over the weekend, I read through the chapter and took notes on it, as usual. I thought it would be sorta boring like some of the topics are, but it was actually fascinating. To the point that I was starting to feel really emotional. I like animals a lot, at least most of them, but I wouldn’t say I’m an animal rights activist. That is, until I read this chapter. I was beyond horrified to hear what really happens to many animals, both in “factory farms” and scientific laboratories. I’ll spare you the details, because they are pretty heartbreaking, but one thing that made me almost cry was finding out that in order to test the safety of new chemical products, they restrain rabbits so they can’t escape and put drops of these products in their eyes! Seriously, how would you feel if someone squirted shampoo, bleach or even weed killer in your eyes?! I already knew a lot about how badly animals are treated in confinement agriculture, but I found out even more, and it made me really sad.

Part of an all-vegan dinner: an EVOL veggie fajita burrito

Pink Lady apple and baby carrots

Homemade iced peppermint mocha: chocolate mint
soymilk, Starbucks mocha VIA instant coffee and ice!

Basically, I am really passionate about becoming a vegetarian now. I’ve considered it a lot in the past, and I currently eat a mostly-vegetarian diet right now (I only have chicken or seafood when I go home), but learning about all these atrocities done to helpless animals makes me want to go full veg. I don’t want to add to the already-huge number of animals being raised and slaughtered cruelly in this country. The only thing stopping me is my parents. I’m sure they would support my decision if it weren’t for the fact that I’m recovering from anorexia. If I told them I want to be a vegetarian, not necessarily for health reasons (though that’s also important to me, too) but just because I hate to see animals treated so horribly, I don’t think they would consider it at the moment. I really only eat meat if I’m around them, because they think I don’t get enough protein. I actually do, and I know plenty of non-meat sources of protein that I love. But I want to stop eating meat completely. They were okay with me eliminating beef and pork because they don’t appeal to me flavor-wise, but if I told them I was cutting out chicken, they would be concerned. I mean, I’m an adult now, but I think they still want to have some control over my food. I think maybe if I told them I was still going to eat seafood and fish, they might be okay with it, but our family mostly eats chicken. It just doesn’t appeal to me anymore, partly because I don’t care for the flavor enough to “need” it and also because of the way most chickens are treated. So I really don’t know what to do. I really want to be a vegetarian, but I’m worried what my parents will think.

Q’s: If you are a vegetarian (or vegan), how did you convince your parents to allow you to be one (if you did at all)? Why did you choose to stop eating meat?

Successes and Struggles

I loved all the responses I got on my last post! It’s great to see others in the same situation as me, and my heart goes out to those of you who are still waiting to get your period back. It will happen, ladies!

So I’m sure you’ve probably noticed a few changes to my blog. I updated my About Me on the sidebar to be a little more creative and I also changed the background to a picture I took last spring break in my hometown of Phoenix, AZ. But no worries, everything else is still the same, I just needed an update!

Messy but good! Caramel Oikos, Bear Naked Fit granola, 1 tsp almond butter and BLOOBS!

Lately, I’ve been dealing with some struggles as well as some successes, so I thought I’d share those with y’all (no I’m not Southern haha). Let’s start with the negatives, since I want to end this on a positive note! So basically, I have not been able to kick my walking habit. Or rather, ED’s walking habit. I have walked for at least a half hour a day every day since I’ve gotten back from spring break 3 weeks ago (except for weekends). It’s not like I’m walking ridiculous amounts, but I know that any exercise that’s ED-based is unhealthy. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love to go for walks around campus to just take in the fresh air and sunshine. But these walks weren’t exactly enjoyable, and I suspect it’s because they were ED-fueled. Like on Wednesday, I forced myself to walk around the Oval (this part of campus with a grassy treed area in the middle and really old buildings around it) even though it was cloudy, cool and drizzling. And I always plan it so I eat my afternoon snack or lunch (depending on what time I walk) right before I walk, so I can try to burn off the calories. I don’t need to be burning them off, but ED tells me I’ll be fat if I eat and then just sit in class or whatever. Stupid lies!

This was the box of my Cinnamon Crunch cereal. As you can tell, I had a little too much fun unscrambling the names of these "good bugs"!

But, I have had some successes, too. Since yesterday, I’ve gotten up to eating 1 full tablespoon of almond butter in a day! Yeah, I know that’s really low, but for someone who used to only eat a teaspoon or maybe two a day, this is BIG! I’m working on eventually getting up to 2 full tbsp. in a day; it’s scary, but it’ll be a big accomplishment. And I’m also not wiping off the oil that forms on top so it’s really drippy and even yummier! I know that the oil is natural (the almond butter I get is just almonds and a bit of salt, so no added oils) and it’s good for me. I’m also really strongly considering increasing my calories. I’ve noticed that lately, I get extremely starving before a meal, like literally, my stomach is hurting! It’s not been fun, and I think my body is telling me I need to eat more. This is a really scary decision, because I’ve been eating roughly the same amount for at least a year, but I know that 1300 a day isn’t that much. I’ve noticed that when I’m at home, I don’t plan my meals and I don’t really count (I just do a rough count to make sure I’m getting enough) and I’m usually not as hungry, and I still don’t gain weight even though I probably eat more, so I think that by increasing my cals a little bit when I’m at school will really help. I really just can’t wait til summer (5 more weeks!) because then I won’t feel the need to plan my meals out like I do at school.



Favorite flavor EVER of Clif Kids Twisted Fruit :)



Last night, I wanted breakfast for dinner...so I had a
breakfast pita w/ 2 tsp almond butter, a spicy veggie
sausage pattie, carrots (okay, not breakfast-like) and
unpictured natural applesauce and a Mix1

Q’s: Suggestions on what to do about the walking? Any tips on how to increase my calories slowly so I don't gain weight or end up restricting (from adding in things too quickly)?

I'm Lucky. Period!

Sorry about the bad pun, guys! I just thought it would lighten the mood because I want to bring up a topic that is pretty important in the recovery blog world. And of course, I’m talking about getting your period back.

I’ve read a lot of posts on various blogs discussing this, and basically what I’ve concluded is that it’s different for everyone, just like everything else is. Some get theirs back at a fairly low, or even underweight BMI, while others are within the healthy range and still don’t. Some wait several months or even years for theirs to return, and others wait only a few months.

I’ve always felt a little left out when it comes to this topic. I was a ‘late bloomer’, so basically, I didn’t EVER get my period before my ED (or of course when I was deep within it). In fact, I went 17 years of my life without having stomach cramps or having to use a tampon. Some people might say I’m lucky, and I guess in some ways I am. I’ve only had my period for a little over a year, thanks to birth control, and because of that, they are considerably lighter and more regulated than they would be naturally (I’m guessing). But as you can imagine, I felt really awkward throughout middle and most of high school when probably almost every other girl had theirs and I didn’t. I felt like kind of a freak, but most of the time, it didn’t bug me because I felt ‘lucky’ to not have to deal with all of it.

So of course, it kind of scared me when my ex-therapist suggested (no, actually DEMANDED) that I start taking birth control to jumpstart my periods. She was mostly just concerned that I would be at risk for osteoporosis, since I had never gotten my period, and most women do before they’re 16 or 17. My doctor agreed, so my mom got the prescription, and told me that I should start taking them after I was finished performing in a variety show at my school (since she didn’t want it to be an issue during the performances). Well…I didn’t start taking them until January 2010, about 4 months after the show was over. Why? Because I was scared of the side effects, especially the possible weight gain. But my parents practically forced me, and I started taking them. Luckily, they weren’t as bad as I thought they’d be, plus I noticed no adverse side effects (no weight gain!) And as a bonus, they got rid of my acne, which was great! The only bad part was getting used to having a period. It was just so strange, since my sister had gotten hers naturally about 6 months before me, and she’s 3 1/2 years younger than me! But as I was saying, everyone’s different. And honestly, I do feel lucky to finally have my period, even if it is because of BC, and I feel even luckier that mine is relatively light and consistent. Everyone’s different, and some people, like me, just need a little extra help getting theirs. And there’s nothing wrong with that!

Q’s: Do you have your period back? If so, how long did it take to return? If not, why do you want yours back (health reasons, want to have kids, etc.)

*Hopefully this post wasn’t too awkward (if any guys were reading, LOL). I just wanted to share my views and personal story on this important topic.

Not Quite the Clean Plate Club

I’m glad you guys all liked my vlog! It was so much fun to do, so if you have the technology to do it, I definitely recommend it!

Hopefully the title of my post isn’t too confusing—I’ll explain it in a bit. First, a quick highlight of my weekend. I was lucky enough to get to go home for the weekend, since my sister was in a musical at her high school and it was my daddy’s birthday yesterday. I always enjoy the weekends I spend at home, since I always have so much to do, but then they fly by and then I’m back at school. Anyways, Saturday morning was pretty typical, I woke up and had breakfast and then got ready for the day. It was really really nice, sunny and 80 degrees, so I got to have lunch and do yoga with my sis out on the deck. I love being outside, so it was great. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with my sister, though, since she had to be at school by 3:15. So me and my dad dropped her off, and then he drove me to Keva Juice to drop off my job application and we headed to this new froyo place that’s way far away from our house, but since we both love froyo, it was so worth it. This place was AMAZING! It had so many more flavors and mix-ins than any place I’ve been to. I got a swirl mix called Oreo Joe; it was basically cookies ‘n cream and coffee froyos and it was so delish! I only ever top mine with fruit, so I got some berries and mango. Yum!



Since I forgot, I only have pics of Monday's food.
These are PB Pows, aka one of my fave cereals, plus bloobs

After that, we went to Noodles & Co. to get takeout, since we had nothing for dinner at home and didn’t have time to make anything, because of my sister’s musical. I got my usual, the small Pad Thai with shrimp, and my dad also ordered a ciabatta roll and a cucumber salad. It kind of made me nervous, because even though we were going to share them, I was scared of the extra calories. Well, the roll was really tiny, and the cucumber salad was good but probably low-cal. And I could only eat half of my noodles after that froyo, so I didn’t really eat that much. I was also nervous because I wouldn’t be able to have my evening snack at the usual time, so I packed a mini Clif bar and went to go see my sister’s musical. She was in Thoroughly Modern Millie and part of the chorus, but she and the entire cast were amazing. Definitely an enjoyable, though long night. Back at home, my mom and I watched the new SNL and then I hit the sack around 1. 

1/2 Starbucks Instant Via vanilla with Truvia and splash of skim



I tried to get all creative with the newspaper underneath haha.
Just a flax waffle with bloobs, some plain Oikos Greek yogurt
and a Morningstar spicy meatless sausage

Sunday was my daddy’s birthday, so we went out to lunch at this Mongolian grill place. I was also anxious to eat out there, so I ended up not getting very much food. I got a small plate of rice noodles with only a few spoonfuls of spicy sauce, fake crab meat and veggies. But I honestly wasn’t that hungry, so I didn’t even finish it. However, as my mom was driving me back to school yesterday afternoon, I was suddenly starving! Luckily, I had brought along some Annie’s Bunny Grahams (love those things). Well, we ended up driving right into this freak snowstorm, and the conditions were almost white-out, so my mom decided to turn around and take me back to school today instead! I was really excited, since that meant even more time at home. So we drove home, but stopped at the store to get my dad a pie for his birthday.



A really interesting sauce I made, with
unsweetened applesauce, nonfat Greek
yogurt, cinnamon and chili powder



Lunch, part 1: quinoa mixed with that sauce,
baby carrots, more bloobs and watermelon

Part 2 of lunch: Gardein meatless chik'n
tenders and a Blue Bran Vitatop

Back at home, I was still starving even after my snack, so I ate a bowl of cereal. Luckily, that was enough (just barely) to tide me over to dinner. I finished my Pad Thai and had a yummy banana caramel coffee protein drink on the side. But apparently that wasn’t enough, because by the time we sang happy birthday to my dad, I was feeling hunger pains again. I did not have the pie and ice cream, though (big fear foods)—I instead had an apple crisp Vitatop with some mango sorbet. It was still yummy but…an hour later, I was really really hungry again! By this point, I was having a mental battle with ED. He was telling me that I’d already eaten enough, but I knew that if my body was hungry, that meant I hadn’t eaten enough. Plus, I really hadn’t eaten much at all at lunch. So I grabbed a mini Clif bar and a handful of cereal. Finally, I wasn’t hungry after that. Yes, it was scary to eat 4 snacks and 3 meals in one day, but it was worth it! I felt so proud of myself, despite the fact that most of the weekend, I wasn’t able to finish my food. So I’m not a member of the Clean Plate Club, but I ate when my body wanted me to, and I didn’t get FAT! Take that, ED!

Q’s: Is it hard for you to listen to your body? How was your weekend?

Moving On and Moving Up

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!! All your encouraging comments on my previous post were so helpful. Thanks for reminding me that recovery IS worth it, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up about it, but move on. So that’s what I’m doing J

Yesterday, I had planned ahead of time to slowly increase my calories back up after my really bad restrictive day. I was planning on adding in 50 calories, which isn’t a lot, but I knew I needed to start slow or I might end up drastically undereating. So I did that…but when I was having my nighttime snack, I decided to add an extra half-cup of cereal to the amount I already had. Like I said, baby steps, but I’m proud of myself for not falling back into ED’s trap.

I was sort of anxious yesterday afternoon, because I was supposed to hang out with this guy I barely know. I sort of know his cousins, but I’d never met this guy before a few days ago. He asked me to hang out on Saturday, so I said yes, to be polite. Well, I hoped that it would turn out better than it did. He’s pretty attractive if I do say so myself and it seemed like we had some things in common. Well, we just ended up doing random stuff, like walking around campus, and he was talking like nonstop, probably because he was nervous or something. But then he started asking me all these personal kind of questions, like how many boyfriends I’ve had and what I think about sex. Um, awkward much????? Yeah, I felt super-awkward and after that point, I was totally turned off him. Like seriously, what guy asks a girl that he barely knows if she’s “gone all the way” (yes, he did ask this!) Needless to say, I was ready to go back to my room and try to forget about this. I did have fun some of the time, but the awkwardness of it just made the whole experience bad.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of it. He texted me a few hours later asking if I wanted to see a movie with him. Um, hell no! I told him I had a paper to write, and he replied that I could do it another day. At that point, I was just pissed, so I put my foot down and said no, sorry, I can’t. Then he stopped texting me (luckily) and I haven’t heard anything since. I hope I never see him again. I know that sounds mean, but he came on way too strong. It wasn’t like we were on a first date or anything—I’m only friends with him on Facebook and we know some of the same people. I barely met him before yesterday, so I think I have every right to be weirded out.  

Anyways, to put that awkwardness behind me, I’m moving on and moving up. I’m forgetting yesterday and also the days before, when ED had me in his grasp. I’m going back to eating as normally as possible, and trying to cut back on the exercise, unless I actually want to do it. I’m continuing on the path of recovery and not letting this get in my way. I want to live my life again, without ED.

Q’s: Have you ever had a similar experience with a guy? If ED was out of your life completely for a day, what would you do?

I'm Stronger Than This...Right?

*Warning: May be triggering!*

I just wanted to let you guys know how much I appreciate all your support. I know I’ve said it before, but it means so much to me to be surrounded by this great community.

So, confession time: I have royally effed up. No joke. It started innocently enough, with those sneaky little ED-fueled thoughts, like “You were so much skinnier yesterday!” and “You need to exercise for at least an hour every day, no matter what!” (lies, I know). Then it progressed to me actually acting on these urges. The past 3 days, I have gone for a walk around campus. No big deal, right? Well, it wasn’t me who wanted to walk—sure it was nice to enjoy the scenery, but it was cold, windy and cloudy. And I pushed myself to the point where my foot hurts again. Not fun.

Even worse? ED talked me into major restriction today—I’m talking under-1000 calories major. Yeah, haven’t done that in 2 years. I tried to convince myself it was okay, since I didn’t get too hungry, but it isn’t okay. I felt chest pain today when I was doing normal activities. Not cool.

Oh, and despite my severe restriction today, I still forced myself to walk in the cold. All I gotta say is, WTF?

So why am I allowing ED back into my life? Honestly, I don’t know. My life is otherwise humming along, not too stressful. I guess I’ve just let my guard down and he snuck up on me. The scary things is, he’s telling me I’d be “better” if I weighed 85 pounds. What???? Um, hello, that would put me at a BMI of 16. I’m already underweight as it is. He’s telling me it would be “okay”, since I weighed that much naturally pre-ED. Okay, but now I’m an adult woman and I don’t think 85 is healthy for me anymore. Besides, I didn’t even get my period at that weight (I don’t naturally now, I’m on BC but that’s beside the point). Basically, ED is pissing me off…but not enough to make me tell him off.

Sorry guys; had to get that off my chest. I don’t feel proud of the recent choices I’ve made, but I don’t know how to get back on track. Help!!!!!!!!



Obviously I'm not in the mood for pictures, but this was a yummy yogurt mess I had the other day. The Greek yogurt was frozen, so it was like frozen yogurt...yum!



Q’s: Any ideas for me to stop this slip and start recovering again? Who else wants to tell ED to STFU (hahaha not really a question but still)?

Spring Break Part 3

Happy Saturday, everyone! It’s finally sunny here and warmer than yesterday which makes me really happy. I can’t wait to get outside and enjoy the nice fresh air.

The last few days have been pretty busy, but really good, for me. Thursday was the last day I had the house to myself for a few hours, so I got the opportunity to do some yoga outside on my deck. I’ve never done it outside, and I think I’ll definitely have to do it again sometime soon because it was even better than doing it inside. But, I noticed when I was out that it smelled really strongly like a campfire. I checked Facebook and the local news station had posted that there was a fire less than 5 miles from my house! I’m used to there being fires a lot, because I live in a really dry state and we get forest and grass fires a lot, but it was still really scary. Luckily, only a barn was destroyed in the fire.



Before the hair cut



My lovely St. Patty's Day outfit

I also got my hair cut on Thursday night. Nothing too drastic, just a trim and I got my bangs cut so they’re more side-swept. I like my hair so much now because my bangs are more noticeable.

Yesterday was soooooo much fun! My dad took a day off of work so we could go up to Denver. We went to the aquarium first, and I loved seeing all the fish and birds. I’ve only been to a few aquariums, but I think this one is my favorite, because they have lots of things, like a flash flood simulator (you get really wet!), people scuba diving with sharks and an area where you can touch and feed stingrays. I had a lot of fun and took tons of pictures.



Really cool urchin-type thing



It's Dory!!!!!!



Afterwards, we went to my favorite gelato place. Unfortunately, I didn’t take any pictures, but it was half raspberry, half soy chocolate gelato and it was AMAZING! Chocolate and raspberry is my favorite flavor combo ever!



Jellyfish (not gelato lol)

Then we drove to my favorite Denver mall so I could do a little shopping. My sister and I went off on our own to our favorite stores. My sis didn’t end up buying anything because she didn’t have any money, but I did! I ended up getting a floral dress from Hollister and some pink leather sandals from American Eagle. I can’t wait for the weather to warm up a little bit more so I can wear them!


I love anything floral



And of course, anything pink!

After the mall, we got dinner at a Thai place nearby. I’m not a huge fan of most Thai food, because I really hate coconut, but I ended up getting the shrimp spring rolls, which were okay. It was basically just a rice paper wrapper with rice noodles, mint and a tiny bit of shrimp. They were pretty flavorless, but “safe” for my ED. I also had some edamame. Once we got back home, I was really hungry, but it was 10 o’ clock, so I felt uncomfortable eating then. My ED voice was really strong, so I skipped a snack (even though I probably needed one) and ended up doing more yoga before I watched the Tonight Show with my family. ED was happy, but I wasn’t. I’m so sick of letting him control my life lately. It’s really getting old. I’ve been getting along with my parents so much better, but ED keeps butting back into my life telling me I’m so fat and ugly, blah blah blah. I hope that I can go back to eating a normal amount when I return to school, but it’s going to be really hard. Since no one will be around to watch what I eat, I’m afraid I’m just going to give in to ED and not eat very much. But I’m going to try my very hardest to fight back.

I’m about to go play tennis with my dad and sister again—I can’t wait! We might go get Starbucks or gelato (again!) afterwards so wish me luck that I can decide to get something substantial afterwards to fuel my workout. Have a great Saturday, ladies J

My view doing yoga outside