I Hate...

So I haven't really posted in awhile, but hopefully the next paragraph will explain why. Basically, I haven't had the best past few weeks, ED-wise. Honestly, I've messed up a ton. Sadly, I can't really bring myself to care enough to stop, and as far as I know, I haven't lost any weight, which is why I feel I have to keep restricting. This is really, really hard for me to write, but I think honesty is really important in this process. I'd really appreciate comments, but I completely understand if you'd rather not comment.

**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!


I hate feeling fat. I hate wanting needing to lose a few pounds. I hate feeling guilty for eating a few extra pieces of cereal after (an inadequate) breakfast. I hate not knowing what I weigh, and if I've lost any weight yet. I hate worrying every moment of the day about what I'm eating. I hate restricting to under 1000 calories, every single day (a couple of days it was around 600), and feeling like crap if I eat a little more than normal. I hate feeling compelled to exercise in my room, even though I walk for 45-60 minutes a day for classes, and sometimes I just don't feel like working out. I hate measuring my thighs and arms every day to see if they've gotten any smaller. I hate looking at older pictures of myself and beating myself up for not looking as tiny anymore. I hate how I constantly worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat. I hate not caring anymore that I'm screwing my metabolism over. I hate that I think 90 pounds is too fat for me and anything over that is out of the question. I hate not seeing results after all my restriction. I hate how I feel proud that my butt starts hurting after only a little while of sitting down. I hate how people never tell me I look skinny anymore and how I have to rely on my own ED-ified brain to figure out if I look okay. I hate that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to have relapsed. I hate that I'm determined to be 85 pounds again, despite how underweight that is. I hate that I'm so obsessed with being skinny, and I'll probably never be skinny enough. I hate that I feel like I have to eat and exercise this way in order to stay healthy. I hate that I think I'll never be truly recovered...

It's No Joking Matter

Hi girlies! Sorry I haven't been around lately. I honestly have had no writing inspiration at all...until today, that is.

Last night, I happened to catch part of an educational show called "Fighting Fat". It was all about obesity, as you can imagine, and they were talking about different ways to combat the issue.

The only part I really saw was an interview with one woman who'd gone through gastric bypass surgery and had lost a lot of weight. However, she still wasn't at a healthy weight and she admitted to that. I think she was a stand-up comedian, and they showed one of her shows. She joked that "luckily, I've overcome my anorexia". Everyone in the audience laughed at that, but it made my heart twinge a little. I realized at that moment that jokes about anorexia really don't make me feel good.

I never really thought about it before, probably because I've never really encountered stuff like that. But I honestly really hate when people joke about it (especially people who have never personally experienced it) or when they belittle it. Anorexia (and all eating disorders) are real diseases that affect a lot of people--not just those that have it. So in my book, making fun of it or saying "Why don't you just eat?" are not okay.

There are so many misconceptions about EDs that I could go on an on about, but all I want to say is that they ARE NOT a choice--they are a disease just like cancer and ADHD. Anorexics aren't just vain girls (and guys) that stop eating so they can look better. There are real psychological issues behind the disorder and it's time that people start realizing that.

What do you think about eating disorder jokes?

So Ready to be Done

Happy Sunday, girlies! I hope you’ve had an amazing weekend, and if you have final exams coming up that you’re not too stressed. I’m just starting to feel the stress and I know it will get worse by next weekend :/

If you couldn’t already tell by the title of my post, I’m so ready to be done with school! This year has gone by really fast, which is sort of scary but also exciting. I can’t wait to be a sophomore in college and start taking classes beyond the boring basic requirements. I’m also really glad that this year’s gone by fast, because of my roommate situation. I won’t go too much into it, I did talk about it in this post if you want some background, but basically she is inconsiderate and kind of unsocial. Now, I’m not the most outgoing person in the world, but I do sometimes randomly start up a conversation with someone I barely know and I’m not generally anxious in social situations. In my opinion, it shouldn’t be that hard to talk to your roommate, especially after an entire school year, but that’s just me. I’m honestly sick and tired of being the one to always start conversations with her that really end up nowhere anyway. It just feels incredibly awkward to me to live with someone and go for days without saying anything to them. I know that if that happened at home, my parents would ask what’s wrong with me! Seriously, all four of us love to talk so it’s pretty much never quiet, which I love. But anyways, I have my last week of classes this week and then finals next week and I’m done by Thursday evening! I’m so excited for summer but I’m not really excited to move all my stuff out of my dorm! That’s gonna be a huge project haha.

The dress I wore a week ago for Easter...except I had to wear a sweater too because it SNOWED :/

But the title of my post also refers to my ‘relationship’ with ED at the moment. Lately, I’ve been really struggling to see my body in a positive light. I haven’t had a full day where I thought I looked awesome, or even alright, in a looooooong time. Sure there are definitely moments where I look at myself and think, “Yeah, I look good!” but they don’t last and it’s making me mad. Today, it’s a little chillier than it has been so I put on some jeans, and I haven’t worn jeans in a few weeks, and this particular pair in over a month. They’ve always been snug, not slouchy like my boyfriend jeans, but they fit. I’ve usually felt a little uncomfortable in them, because I’m not used to how jeans should fit, but the feeling usually goes away after wearing them for a little bit. Today I feel like they are fitting me tighter than ever (though it’s probably ED talking) and I’ve felt so guilty every time I’ve eaten so far. I really hate how my perception of how clothes fit is so screwed up, and how it really gets to me. In fact, I felt compelled by ED to go for a walk around campus today, even though I usually wouldn’t on the weekend, since barely anyone is out and it feels creepy. In a way, I’m glad I did, because there were some other people out, but not so many that it seemed crowded, and I got some time to think. But most of those thoughts were about how fat I feel. I walked for a little more than half an hour, which is a decent amount, but of course it wasn’t enough for ED. Well, screw him! I just want him out of my life. I want to be able to focus on my finals, and then enjoying my summer, without him getting in the way. I’m so ready to be done with ED!

This picture is to piss ED off, because he said I look too fat in it but I think I look cute :)

Q: What are you most excited about this summer?

An (Almost) Good Day

Happy Thursday, girlies! Hope you’ve had a great day and are looking forward to the weekend. I’m just looking forward to next weekend, which is the start of my spring break!

So today’s post will be kinda short, just an update on the things from yesterday’s post and a little rant at the end which hopefully won’t be too negative.

I had a really nice time tonight with my friend. We just went out to eat, at the salad place I mentioned recently called Mad Greens. It was her first time there, and she loved her salad. I liked mine a lot, too. I got a Greek kind of salad, with Kalamata olives, citrus grilled chicken, onions, lettuce (of course!), tomatoes, cucumber yogurt dressing and edamame. Yeah, that’s kinda random, but I asked for no feta and the woman serving me asked if I wanted to substitute something, so I said edamame ‘cause I love it! Plus it’s a healthy fat (just like the olives), and I know I could use a little more of those, plus the dressing was fat-free, so I did need more fats.

I also had the strawberry banana overnight oats and the chocolate yogurt mess and they didn’t disappoint! I added an actual banana to the oats in the morning and that made them even better. And of course, the chocolate yogurt mess was amazing! Chocolate Greek yogurt with Bear Naked granola and half a banana—yum!



Yep, those are flax seeds (and a banana chunk)





Chocolate+granola+banana=pure yum



Other than that, the rest of my day wasn’t too great. My neck is feeling a little bit better but not much L And I’m really just getting annoyed with my roommate. We never really hit it off, and she barely talks to me, unless I ask her something first. And she just sits at her computer every time she’s in the room, which is the majority of the time. That’s what really annoys me. I’m out for like 7 straight hours three times a week and I get like a one hour break to myself for dinner! Tuesdays and Thursdays are usually better, but for the next few weeks she doesn’t have her first class, so she just sits at her computer until her next class starts. It bugs me because I do workouts in my room when I’m alone, like yoga and cardio, and I feel really weird doing it when she’s in there so I have to cram it all in later. And I feel awkward eating around her, but I don’t know if I can just like tell her to leave when I have breakfast. I feel like I’m always compromising, and I barely get the room to myself. Okay, rant over!

Q’s: Have you ever been to a salad restaurant? Any suggestions for what to do about my roommate?

Who I Really Am

I know there’s a me behind the ED. I want to be that person again. Every time I overanalyze food or criticize my body, I am letting anorexia win. But I want to be the ultimate winner. I am in this to win it.

I am a girl who has a great sense of fashion. I am a good student who is committed to school. I am shy, but a loyal friend. I am a supportive big sister. I am a devoted daughter. I have big dreams for myself. I won’t let ED take those away from me. I have bad days, and good days, but I won’t let the bad ones get me down. I am emotional, but I am usually happy. THIS is me…

…not this. I am good at counting calories. I am my biggest critic. I have self-control when it comes to food. I am addicted to the mirror, but I hate what I see. I let others control me. I want to please everyone but myself. I think being skinny is better than being a nice person. I will never be thin enough. I feel a high when I restrict.

I like the real me better…



This is the real, likes-to-take-artistic-pictures-of-herself me :)



Back to My Real Life

Tomorrow it’s back to my real life…school. I had such a good month-long break from it, and I’m slightly dreading going back. Well, I don’t mind school, it’s my roommate who I can’t stand. We’ve never really gotten along—she’s a terrible communicator, messy (I’m pretty neat) and inconsiderate of my needs and feelings. At the beginning of the school year, we used to go to dinner together, but she teased me for my food choices (much healthier than hers, despite her being a vegetarian). Obviously, this isn’t a good situation for anyone, but especially for someone recovering from an eating disorder, like I am. Plus she talks about how skinny she is occasionally and it really makes me mad. Honestly, I wish I could tell her about my ED, but I don’t think she’s deserving enough to know. I don’t want to tell the world, only the people that really matter to me. Plus, my overall anger with her just stresses me out and makes my disordered thoughts even worse. I need to get out of this situation before it makes my ED flare up again.

This semester, I’m vowing to spend less time back in the room, so I can avoid her as much as possible. She’s not one of those popular-girl types who parties and such (I would actually prefer that) so she tends to stay in the room a lot. And she never goes home on the weekends even though she lives 30 miles away, so the weekends I stay here, I’m forced to be here with her. I want to make this semester better, so I’m going to try to hang out with my actual friends more and even just spend some alone time somewhere other than my room. I know it’s not fair, but I’m going to try to make the best of it. I want to make it through second semester without slipping. I’ve made so much progress; the last thing I need is to go back to my ED…it doesn’t control me anymore!