Sunday, May 1, 2011

So Ready to be Done

Happy Sunday, girlies! I hope you’ve had an amazing weekend, and if you have final exams coming up that you’re not too stressed. I’m just starting to feel the stress and I know it will get worse by next weekend :/
If you couldn’t already tell by the title of my post, I’m so ready to be done with school! This year has gone by really fast, which is sort of scary but also exciting. I can’t wait to be a sophomore in college and start taking classes beyond the boring basic requirements. I’m also really glad that this year’s gone by fast, because of my roommate situation. I won’t go too much into it, I did talk about it in this post if you want some background, but basically she is inconsiderate and kind of unsocial. Now, I’m not the most outgoing person in the world, but I do sometimes randomly start up a conversation with someone I barely know and I’m not generally anxious in social situations. In my opinion, it shouldn’t be that hard to talk to your roommate, especially after an entire school year, but that’s just me. I’m honestly sick and tired of being the one to always start conversations with her that really end up nowhere anyway. It just feels incredibly awkward to me to live with someone and go for days without saying anything to them. I know that if that happened at home, my parents would ask what’s wrong with me! Seriously, all four of us love to talk so it’s pretty much never quiet, which I love. But anyways, I have my last week of classes this week and then finals next week and I’m done by Thursday evening! I’m so excited for summer but I’m not really excited to move all my stuff out of my dorm! That’s gonna be a huge project haha.
The dress I wore a week ago for Easter...except I had to wear a sweater too because it SNOWED :/

But the title of my post also refers to my ‘relationship’ with ED at the moment. Lately, I’ve been really struggling to see my body in a positive light. I haven’t had a full day where I thought I looked awesome, or even alright, in a looooooong time. Sure there are definitely moments where I look at myself and think, “Yeah, I look good!” but they don’t last and it’s making me mad. Today, it’s a little chillier than it has been so I put on some jeans, and I haven’t worn jeans in a few weeks, and this particular pair in over a month. They’ve always been snug, not slouchy like my boyfriend jeans, but they fit. I’ve usually felt a little uncomfortable in them, because I’m not used to how jeans should fit, but the feeling usually goes away after wearing them for a little bit. Today I feel like they are fitting me tighter than ever (though it’s probably ED talking) and I’ve felt so guilty every time I’ve eaten so far. I really hate how my perception of how clothes fit is so screwed up, and how it really gets to me. In fact, I felt compelled by ED to go for a walk around campus today, even though I usually wouldn’t on the weekend, since barely anyone is out and it feels creepy. In a way, I’m glad I did, because there were some other people out, but not so many that it seemed crowded, and I got some time to think. But most of those thoughts were about how fat I feel. I walked for a little more than half an hour, which is a decent amount, but of course it wasn’t enough for ED. Well, screw him! I just want him out of my life. I want to be able to focus on my finals, and then enjoying my summer, without him getting in the way. I’m so ready to be done with ED!
This picture is to piss ED off, because he said I look too fat in it but I think I look cute :)

Q: What are you most excited about this summer?


  1. You look gorgeous in both of the pictures, Ash! Don't let ED tell you otherwise. :-)

    I had a similar situation with my roommate my freshman year, so I can definitely relate! It sounds like basically the same situation- we would go days without talking- I would try to be friendly, but she completely ignored me! Luckily, my rooming situation has been awesome this year b/c I'm rooming with my best friend- sophomore year is generally much better than freshman year. I'm excited for you to be a sophomore- you're going to love having a better roommate and taking classes you actually care about! Haha we have the same classes and finals schedule too! :-)

    I'm sorry you're struggling so much with body image. <3 Again, I can completely relate. I feel like this time of year is especially challenging, b/c of all the emphasis on "looking good" for summer. I'm glad you're getting pissed off at ED though, because ED is a LIAR!!!!!! You are beautiful inside and out. Keep reminding yourself that ED is a liar and that the only way to get rid of ED for good is to keep fighting the ED urges and talking back to the ED thoughts. I know it's hard, but try to distract yourself the next time you're tempted to go on a walk (or do anything else) b/c of the ED. The more we resist ED urges the easier it gets, and the closer we get to full recovery.

    Good luck with studying for finals!!!

  2. YOU LOOK ADORABLE in both pictures. ED can go to hell. You can do this. body image is one of the last symptoms of an ED to's hard but hang in there!

    GOOD LUCK WITH FINALS!!!!! I remember what a pain in the ass they were.


  3. Ash you look beautiful in both pictures. ED needs to shut the fuck up, scuse my french(;
    Honestly, you look very far from fat. I know that you've mentioned that you are tecnically in the underweight range for your height. This may be out of place, but I think that gaining a bit more weight may actually help you with your body image.
    Strangely enough, as your body becomes fuller and healthier it is easier to give up listening to ED.
    Good luck with finals love! Stay strong.
    xoxoxo Emma

  4. I think you look adorable and NOT fat at all!
    Keep fighting and don't give in to ED. Remember our bodies are supposed to change. But I know how you feel - I've been struggling with body image the past week or so and it's honestly such a time waster. The more we tell ourselves that we are beautiful and healthy, the more ED will HAVE to back off!

    Good luck with finals, girly!

  5. roomate situations are HARRDD sometimes, i know that. but honestly, i agree with everyone. do not listen to ed, you are beautiful and as you go along it gets easier and easier, i promise

  6. Girl, you are by NO means fat! Ha, you are a twig! Don't take that in the wrong way, though :)
    And I know EXACTLY what you are going through with the roommate situation :/ Mine personally sucks. She is the same way as yours and just does not talk to me. i always bring up conversations, but she is rude and may say one or two words and then walk away.
    We just have to let these girls act ugly. Don't let them affect our attitudes!
    You are doing great Ash! Your jeans may be a little more snug than usual, but that also may be a good thing! You do know that you are still underweight. And getting to a healthy BMI is one of the first steps to recovery. I know you can do it.


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