Hi everyone! I know I haven't blogged in what seems like forever--almost 2 and a half months! I hate to have left you guys hanging with such a downer of a post, so I decided to come back.
I just got 2 very sweet comments on my last post that really made me realize that I miss this blogging community. I actually haven't completely left blogging really--I'm just doing more of it over at almostveggirlie, since I discovered that Wordpress is a lot easier to use. And I also wanted to try to focus less on my eating disorder and more about the rest of my life.
I am definitely doing a lot better since I posted last. Yes, I am still struggling with feeling okay with eating a good amount, but my body image is much stronger now. I don't hate what I see in the mirror every day, and that is amazing. I am somewhat alright with eating 'indulgences' like froyo and falafel. I don't want to starve my body and mind of what it needs. Sure, I sometimes don't eat enough but I am definitely working on fueling myself the right way. And I think if I do that, my body image will improve even more. There are hard days for sure, but I have to say most days are great.
I had a wonderful Thanksgiving break last week with my family, and I'm so ready to be done with this semester. It's definitely getting stressful with all the finals and projects, but I know that I'll enjoy Christmas break even more if I just push through all this hard stuff. And it's a month off from school, who wouldn't want that?!
So I hope you guys will all come back and read over here (if I decide to keep posting on this blog) or read my Wordpress blog if you want a lot of random posts about food, fashion and my life in general. Hope you all have been doing well and I'll definitely try to catch up on commenting on all your blogs.
Ash :)
Monday, November 28, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
I Hate...
So I haven't really posted in awhile, but hopefully the next paragraph will explain why. Basically, I haven't had the best past few weeks, ED-wise. Honestly, I've messed up a ton. Sadly, I can't really bring myself to care enough to stop, and as far as I know, I haven't lost any weight, which is why I feel I have to keep restricting. This is really, really hard for me to write, but I think honesty is really important in this process. I'd really appreciate comments, but I completely understand if you'd rather not comment.
**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!
I hate feeling fat. I hatewanting needing to lose a few pounds. I hate feeling guilty for eating a few extra pieces of cereal after (an inadequate) breakfast. I hate not knowing what I weigh, and if I've lost any weight yet. I hate worrying every moment of the day about what I'm eating. I hate restricting to under 1000 calories, every single day (a couple of days it was around 600), and feeling like crap if I eat a little more than normal. I hate feeling compelled to exercise in my room, even though I walk for 45-60 minutes a day for classes, and sometimes I just don't feel like working out. I hate measuring my thighs and arms every day to see if they've gotten any smaller. I hate looking at older pictures of myself and beating myself up for not looking as tiny anymore. I hate how I constantly worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat. I hate not caring anymore that I'm screwing my metabolism over. I hate that I think 90 pounds is too fat for me and anything over that is out of the question. I hate not seeing results after all my restriction. I hate how I feel proud that my butt starts hurting after only a little while of sitting down. I hate how people never tell me I look skinny anymore and how I have to rely on my own ED-ified brain to figure out if I look okay. I hate that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to have relapsed. I hate that I'm determined to be 85 pounds again, despite how underweight that is. I hate that I'm so obsessed with being skinny, and I'll probably never be skinny enough. I hate that I feel like I have to eat and exercise this way in order to stay healthy. I hate that I think I'll never be truly recovered...
**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!
I hate feeling fat. I hate
Thursday, September 8, 2011
It's No Joking Matter
Hi girlies! Sorry I haven't been around lately. I honestly have had no writing inspiration at all...until today, that is.
Last night, I happened to catch part of an educational show called "Fighting Fat". It was all about obesity, as you can imagine, and they were talking about different ways to combat the issue.
The only part I really saw was an interview with one woman who'd gone through gastric bypass surgery and had lost a lot of weight. However, she still wasn't at a healthy weight and she admitted to that. I think she was a stand-up comedian, and they showed one of her shows. She joked that "luckily, I've overcome my anorexia". Everyone in the audience laughed at that, but it made my heart twinge a little. I realized at that moment that jokes about anorexia really don't make me feel good.
I never really thought about it before, probably because I've never really encountered stuff like that. But I honestly really hate when people joke about it (especially people who have never personally experienced it) or when they belittle it. Anorexia (and all eating disorders) are real diseases that affect a lot of people--not just those that have it. So in my book, making fun of it or saying "Why don't you just eat?" are not okay.
There are so many misconceptions about EDs that I could go on an on about, but all I want to say is that they ARE NOT a choice--they are a disease just like cancer and ADHD. Anorexics aren't just vain girls (and guys) that stop eating so they can look better. There are real psychological issues behind the disorder and it's time that people start realizing that.
What do you think about eating disorder jokes?
Last night, I happened to catch part of an educational show called "Fighting Fat". It was all about obesity, as you can imagine, and they were talking about different ways to combat the issue.
The only part I really saw was an interview with one woman who'd gone through gastric bypass surgery and had lost a lot of weight. However, she still wasn't at a healthy weight and she admitted to that. I think she was a stand-up comedian, and they showed one of her shows. She joked that "luckily, I've overcome my anorexia". Everyone in the audience laughed at that, but it made my heart twinge a little. I realized at that moment that jokes about anorexia really don't make me feel good.
I never really thought about it before, probably because I've never really encountered stuff like that. But I honestly really hate when people joke about it (especially people who have never personally experienced it) or when they belittle it. Anorexia (and all eating disorders) are real diseases that affect a lot of people--not just those that have it. So in my book, making fun of it or saying "Why don't you just eat?" are not okay.
There are so many misconceptions about EDs that I could go on an on about, but all I want to say is that they ARE NOT a choice--they are a disease just like cancer and ADHD. Anorexics aren't just vain girls (and guys) that stop eating so they can look better. There are real psychological issues behind the disorder and it's time that people start realizing that.
What do you think about eating disorder jokes?
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Feeling Hot Hot Hot...Or Not
Hey girlies, thanks for all the wise words on my last post. They were just what I needed to get back on track with my eating.
My first week of my sophomore year is almost over (!) and so far, I've been enjoying it. I like my classes for the most part (minus statistics, but I hate math anyways) and I'm really loving having my own room. It's been amazing to be able to come back after classes and just relax and not have to deal with a roommate, and be able to wake up and go to sleep whenever I want.
That's my schedule for this semester. You probably can't read it, plus some of the classes aren't shown in the picture, so I'll just give you all a quick rundown. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday I have Individual & Family Development at 10, then Public Relations at 1. Friday I also have a Statistics recitation at 3. On Tuesday and Thursday, I have Statistics at 9 (I hate having class this early, but it hasn't been too awful yet), American West Since 1900 at 11 (it's a history class) and then Newswriting at 1. I really love the newswriting class, since it's in my major and my professor is super funny. And the class is really small, like 15 people, so I feel like it's more personal. It's weird because I'm in two 300 level classes, which I guess are usually mostly juniors, so whenever I go to those classes, the professors are like "You guys are so mature. Well then again, you are juniors!" Haha, it makes me feel really mature, since I'm just a sophomore.
So I was feeling great all week...until yesterday. Around lunch, I started feeling sick, but in a weird way. I had a strange feeling in my throat and some nausea, but I brushed it off and went to class. By the time I got there, I was feeling worse. I could barely concentrate during class because I thought I was going to throw up (TMI, sorry). Plus I was suddenly freezing, even though it was 90+ degrees outside.
Well, I made it through class and then walked back to my room. As soon as I got back, I tried to sleep. I was alternating between being too cold and too hot and I still felt crappy. But I was able to nap for almost 2 hours, and I felt a little better afterwards. I looked up my symptoms on WebMD and I guessed that I had heat exhaustion. Definitely a possibility, since I had been walking to and from classes for 45 minutes in 90 degree heat.
After my nap, I was kinda hungry so I had a small snack. But afterwards, I felt horrible again. At this point, the ED voice kicked in and was telling me that obviously, eating was out of the question, since I felt sick again afterwards. But...I was able to push those voices aside and I was able to eat a small dinner and a nighttime snack. I knew I had to fuel my body, even though it didn't make me feel awesome.
Today, I've still been feeling a little "off" but definitely much better. And I've continued to fuel my body, because I know it needs it.
Have you ever dealt with heat exhaustion? If you're in college (or ever were), what is/was your favorite class?
My first week of my sophomore year is almost over (!) and so far, I've been enjoying it. I like my classes for the most part (minus statistics, but I hate math anyways) and I'm really loving having my own room. It's been amazing to be able to come back after classes and just relax and not have to deal with a roommate, and be able to wake up and go to sleep whenever I want.
That's my schedule for this semester. You probably can't read it, plus some of the classes aren't shown in the picture, so I'll just give you all a quick rundown. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday I have Individual & Family Development at 10, then Public Relations at 1. Friday I also have a Statistics recitation at 3. On Tuesday and Thursday, I have Statistics at 9 (I hate having class this early, but it hasn't been too awful yet), American West Since 1900 at 11 (it's a history class) and then Newswriting at 1. I really love the newswriting class, since it's in my major and my professor is super funny. And the class is really small, like 15 people, so I feel like it's more personal. It's weird because I'm in two 300 level classes, which I guess are usually mostly juniors, so whenever I go to those classes, the professors are like "You guys are so mature. Well then again, you are juniors!" Haha, it makes me feel really mature, since I'm just a sophomore.
So I was feeling great all week...until yesterday. Around lunch, I started feeling sick, but in a weird way. I had a strange feeling in my throat and some nausea, but I brushed it off and went to class. By the time I got there, I was feeling worse. I could barely concentrate during class because I thought I was going to throw up (TMI, sorry). Plus I was suddenly freezing, even though it was 90+ degrees outside.
Well, I made it through class and then walked back to my room. As soon as I got back, I tried to sleep. I was alternating between being too cold and too hot and I still felt crappy. But I was able to nap for almost 2 hours, and I felt a little better afterwards. I looked up my symptoms on WebMD and I guessed that I had heat exhaustion. Definitely a possibility, since I had been walking to and from classes for 45 minutes in 90 degree heat.
After my nap, I was kinda hungry so I had a small snack. But afterwards, I felt horrible again. At this point, the ED voice kicked in and was telling me that obviously, eating was out of the question, since I felt sick again afterwards. But...I was able to push those voices aside and I was able to eat a small dinner and a nighttime snack. I knew I had to fuel my body, even though it didn't make me feel awesome.
Today, I've still been feeling a little "off" but definitely much better. And I've continued to fuel my body, because I know it needs it.
Have you ever dealt with heat exhaustion? If you're in college (or ever were), what is/was your favorite class?
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Back-to-School Blues & Hunger Cues
So my sophomore year starts tomorrow, and I can't believe where the summer's gone. I'm kind of sad it's almost over, but also excited to start the new school year fresh. I'm really hoping it'll be a lot better than last year. I liked last year, but I wasn't on the best of terms with my freshman year roommate and it kind of soured my experience. This year, I'm still in the dorms, but in a much nicer and newer building (with air conditioning!) and I have a room to myself. I do have to share a bathroom with 2 other girls, so I'm really hoping we hit it off or at least have a better relationship than my ex-roomie and I had. So far, they and a lot of other people (including guys!) on my floor seem really nice so I'm hoping everything goes well.
Move-in weekend was a lot smoother than last year for sure. My dad and I drove up Friday morning, grabbed lunch at Qdoba and then got to unloading the car. We took several trips up and down three flights of stairs and the elevator, but we got all of it in. My mom and sister drove up later and we unloaded the rest of the stuff and then headed over to the hotel we were staying at over the weekend. Then we got some dinner at one of my favorite places, Mad Greens. I've gotta admit, I've been kind of restricting a lot this weekend, not necessarily on purpose but my hunger has been out of whack since Saturday and it's freaking me out. Now I think it's back, but I still feel that pull towards continuing restricting so I'm not sure how that's going to go down this week, especially with all the stressage from new classes. I ended up getting a salad with baby greens, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, cannellini beans and tofu and I really just did not like the taste of it, so I barely ate any of it. But I did steal some bites of pita from my dad's panini so at least I did eat something.
Saturday we woke upbright and early at a quarter to 9. I had a small breakfast of Bear Naked granola and green grapes, since I still wasn't hungry, but I had a little breakdown when my mom insisted that I eat the Light 'n Fit yogurt she brought up from the breakfast buffet in the lobby. I was mostly upset because it wasn't my usual organic Greek yogurt with tons of protein (this yogurt only had 3 grams!) and natural ingredients. I ate a tiny bit and then threw out the rest when she wasn't looking. I really felt sneaky, like I did back in my ED days when I'd throw my food in the trash and never got caught. But honestly, the yogurt tasted way too sweet and chemical-y for me so I couldn't eat any more of it.
After getting some things at the store (including another mini fridge so I could turn it into a makeshift freezer), we headed back to the hotel for a quick lunch. My hunger was still mostly MIA, so I just ended up having most of a 200-calorie vegan tortilla soup (delish, BTW) and some grapes. The sad thing was, I actually felt guilty for eating that much because my mom only had some crackers and hummus because she wasn't hungry, either.
The parentals left for the rest of the afternoon to go on brewery tours so my sis and I just chilled at the hotel. We went to the pool for a little bit, played around with the radio in the room and people-watched from our third-story window. Some time during the afternoon, I finally felt a little hunger pang so I had some multigrain chips that I brought along. At this point, the hunger wouldn't go away, so I had some more grapes and a little granola. Of course, I felt incredibly guilty for eating this much, even though I was hungry.
We went out to dinner at a new-to-us place called Beach House Grill. At first, I didn't think I was going to like it, but I ended up getting something I really loved. For the first time all weekend, I feel like I actually ate a decent amount, even though it was pretty low-cal: a few small pieces of grilled mahi mahi in lettuce wraps, with fruit salsa and black beans and rice on the side. I also tried some of the green salsa and it was really spicy, so I had to drink a lot of water. I ended up feeling uncomfortably full after dinner (because of all the water), so again I felt guilty. I did end up feeling hungry again later so I had a small snack of Whole Foods sandwich cookies and raisins.
Today has been rough eating-wise, too. I had an okay breakfast, a salad of just greens and grapes at lunch, some delicious birthday cake and soy chocolate gelato (best thing I've had all weekend!) for a snack and then my floor went to the dining hall for dinner together and I ended up just getting a salad with carrots and a few sunflower seeds with grapes on the side. Definitely not enough fuel, considering I've been running around campus and town most of the day. I tried to make up for it by having some multigrain chips and pineapple earlier, but I know I didn't eat enough.
Right now, I'm just incredibly exhausted from the weekend and stressed out about school. The last thing I need to think about now is food...which is exactly why I'm slipping. And now that I've had this slip-up last all weekend, it's so much easier to keep giving in and eat less and less. I haven't felt the urge to restrict in a long time, but it's back again. And I don't know what to do...
What do you do to get back on track after days of eating less?
Move-in weekend was a lot smoother than last year for sure. My dad and I drove up Friday morning, grabbed lunch at Qdoba and then got to unloading the car. We took several trips up and down three flights of stairs and the elevator, but we got all of it in. My mom and sister drove up later and we unloaded the rest of the stuff and then headed over to the hotel we were staying at over the weekend. Then we got some dinner at one of my favorite places, Mad Greens. I've gotta admit, I've been kind of restricting a lot this weekend, not necessarily on purpose but my hunger has been out of whack since Saturday and it's freaking me out. Now I think it's back, but I still feel that pull towards continuing restricting so I'm not sure how that's going to go down this week, especially with all the stressage from new classes. I ended up getting a salad with baby greens, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, cannellini beans and tofu and I really just did not like the taste of it, so I barely ate any of it. But I did steal some bites of pita from my dad's panini so at least I did eat something.
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| Qdoba Naked Fajita Burrito with lime rice, black beans, pico de gallo and grilled veggies |
Saturday we woke up
After getting some things at the store (including another mini fridge so I could turn it into a makeshift freezer), we headed back to the hotel for a quick lunch. My hunger was still mostly MIA, so I just ended up having most of a 200-calorie vegan tortilla soup (delish, BTW) and some grapes. The sad thing was, I actually felt guilty for eating that much because my mom only had some crackers and hummus because she wasn't hungry, either.
The parentals left for the rest of the afternoon to go on brewery tours so my sis and I just chilled at the hotel. We went to the pool for a little bit, played around with the radio in the room and people-watched from our third-story window. Some time during the afternoon, I finally felt a little hunger pang so I had some multigrain chips that I brought along. At this point, the hunger wouldn't go away, so I had some more grapes and a little granola. Of course, I felt incredibly guilty for eating this much, even though I was hungry.
We went out to dinner at a new-to-us place called Beach House Grill. At first, I didn't think I was going to like it, but I ended up getting something I really loved. For the first time all weekend, I feel like I actually ate a decent amount, even though it was pretty low-cal: a few small pieces of grilled mahi mahi in lettuce wraps, with fruit salsa and black beans and rice on the side. I also tried some of the green salsa and it was really spicy, so I had to drink a lot of water. I ended up feeling uncomfortably full after dinner (because of all the water), so again I felt guilty. I did end up feeling hungry again later so I had a small snack of Whole Foods sandwich cookies and raisins.
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| Some gorgeous flowers at the CSU gardens |
Today has been rough eating-wise, too. I had an okay breakfast, a salad of just greens and grapes at lunch, some delicious birthday cake and soy chocolate gelato (best thing I've had all weekend!) for a snack and then my floor went to the dining hall for dinner together and I ended up just getting a salad with carrots and a few sunflower seeds with grapes on the side. Definitely not enough fuel, considering I've been running around campus and town most of the day. I tried to make up for it by having some multigrain chips and pineapple earlier, but I know I didn't eat enough.
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| I think I could just live on gelato... |
Right now, I'm just incredibly exhausted from the weekend and stressed out about school. The last thing I need to think about now is food...which is exactly why I'm slipping. And now that I've had this slip-up last all weekend, it's so much easier to keep giving in and eat less and less. I haven't felt the urge to restrict in a long time, but it's back again. And I don't know what to do...
What do you do to get back on track after days of eating less?
Friday, August 12, 2011
Fave Five Friday #6
It's time once again for FFF! I can't believe how quickly summer is going by--I start school a week from Monday! I wish I had just a few more weeks at home to enjoy, but I'm going to appreciate the next week or so I have left.
1. Hiking/picnicking with my family
2. Walking around the famous 16th Street Mall (in Denver)
3. Last-minute shopping
4. Trying new hairstyles
5. Visiting Forever 21 for the first time ever (!)
What are you enjoying about summer?
1. Hiking/picnicking with my family
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| I love spending time in the mountains! (not me in the pic, BTW) |
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| This place is huge! And super cool :) |
3. Last-minute shopping
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| What a haul haha |
4. Trying new hairstyles
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| I love my hair waver! |
5. Visiting Forever 21 for the first time ever (!)
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| The ring I bought :) |
What are you enjoying about summer?
Monday, August 8, 2011
Happy Herbivore
I mentioned in this post a while back that I was seriously considering vegetarianism. I honestly think it's completely sickening how most animals are treated and on top of that, I just can't really stomach meat anymore. It doesn't appeal to me whatsoever, not even seafood as much.
This summer, my mom's kinda been on my case about my eating, which has been a little annoying but understandable. Mostly, she was just upset that I haven't really been eating meat at all lately. It's been a while since I actually ate a substantial amount of chicken or fish--if it's been part of a meal, I just kind of picked around it. But...this isn't another form of restriction. It's because I really just don't want to eat meat anymore, for ethical and personal reasons. It just grosses me out now.
My mom talked to me a few days ago about this, and I was surprised to hear her say that a vegan diet has been shown to be helpful in eating disorder recovery. She just wants to make sure that I get enough calcium (I'm going to start taking a supplement and I'll still be eating Greek yogurt--so not fully vegan) and fats. Eating enough fat has been really hard for me during my ED and now in recovery, but now I'm going to be more committed to eating enough healthy fats.
So basically, I'm going mostly vegan. I will still have some dairy occasionally, but most of it doesn't appeal to me, besides my beloved Greek yogurt and gelato. I'm going to focus on high-quality plant proteins, such as beans, quinoa and tempeh (all things I love, BTW) and also on fats, like nuts, almond butter and avocado. This is NOT another way for me to fall back on ED, though. Eating vegetarian or mostly vegan really does make me feel my healthiest and happiest and I think eating this way could help me on the road to recovery. I will NOT allow myself to fall back into the "low fat" and "low calorie" trap again. I want to sustain this lifestyle so I can be as healthy as possible. I won't use this new way of eating disguise my anorexia or orthorexia. I really believe that this will be a challenge to me--I may have to go out of my comfort zone and try something new and "scary". But it's a challenge I'm more than willing to try!
Just a note, I'm not trying to advocate that this is a perfect lifestyle for everyone. Every person has different needs and preferences and this is just what works for me best.
What changes have you made to your eating habits that have helped you in your recovery?
This summer, my mom's kinda been on my case about my eating, which has been a little annoying but understandable. Mostly, she was just upset that I haven't really been eating meat at all lately. It's been a while since I actually ate a substantial amount of chicken or fish--if it's been part of a meal, I just kind of picked around it. But...this isn't another form of restriction. It's because I really just don't want to eat meat anymore, for ethical and personal reasons. It just grosses me out now.
My mom talked to me a few days ago about this, and I was surprised to hear her say that a vegan diet has been shown to be helpful in eating disorder recovery. She just wants to make sure that I get enough calcium (I'm going to start taking a supplement and I'll still be eating Greek yogurt--so not fully vegan) and fats. Eating enough fat has been really hard for me during my ED and now in recovery, but now I'm going to be more committed to eating enough healthy fats.
So basically, I'm going mostly vegan. I will still have some dairy occasionally, but most of it doesn't appeal to me, besides my beloved Greek yogurt and gelato. I'm going to focus on high-quality plant proteins, such as beans, quinoa and tempeh (all things I love, BTW) and also on fats, like nuts, almond butter and avocado. This is NOT another way for me to fall back on ED, though. Eating vegetarian or mostly vegan really does make me feel my healthiest and happiest and I think eating this way could help me on the road to recovery. I will NOT allow myself to fall back into the "low fat" and "low calorie" trap again. I want to sustain this lifestyle so I can be as healthy as possible. I won't use this new way of eating disguise my anorexia or orthorexia. I really believe that this will be a challenge to me--I may have to go out of my comfort zone and try something new and "scary". But it's a challenge I'm more than willing to try!
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| One of my fave new veg finds is the Whole Foods hot/cold bars--I love the curried tofu quinoa salad and the maple roasted sweet potatoes! |
Just a note, I'm not trying to advocate that this is a perfect lifestyle for everyone. Every person has different needs and preferences and this is just what works for me best.
What changes have you made to your eating habits that have helped you in your recovery?
Friday, August 5, 2011
Fave Five Friday #5 (Almost Wordless)
1. Friends With Benefits
2. Homemade popsicles
3. Supportive blog comments
4. Back to school shopping
5. Gelato-topped overnight oats
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the wonderful comments I received on my last post! I will be rereading them from time to time to remind myself of my worth. :)
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| Such a cute and funny movie (JT is soooooo hot!) |
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| Mine weren't quite as pretty, but they were yummy! |
3. Supportive blog comments
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| You are all amazing :) |
4. Back to school shopping
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| I got a lot of plastic dishes! |
5. Gelato-topped overnight oats
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| Mint chocolate gelato on top of chocolate oats |
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the wonderful comments I received on my last post! I will be rereading them from time to time to remind myself of my worth. :)
Monday, August 1, 2011
Being Honest With Myself
This is a really hard post for me to write. A lot of my recent posts have been all bubbly and happy, and part of me is like that right now. I've got most of August to look forward to before I go back to school, I had a great birthday on Wednesday and life is pretty good for me right now. But another part of me feels enslaved--to ED--and also robotic, like I'm just going through the motions of my life without really feeling anything.
I think it all started on my birthday. It started out really well, but as the day progressed, I started feeling a twinge of guilt. I woke up early, like 6, because my mom and I were going to the IKEA grand opening. So I didn't get a chance to do my normal morning workout. We ate out at Panera for lunch (I got the strawberry poppyseed salad and barely ate any of the chicken). I was exhausted by the time we got home because we'd been practically running around the store for 2 hours trying to find the things we wanted to buy. So I only ended up doing 10 minutes of a cardio circuit and 10 minutes of yoga. Then my dad got home and we all went out to eat at Pei Wei. I got my usual Vietnamese chicken salad rolls, and ate two out of 3 of them, but also some edamame and some of my dad's brown rice and peanuts. And then later at home, we had some birthday gelato and I got a little bit extra. I felt horribly horribly fat and guilty. But come on, it was my birthday. I have the right to indulge, and they weren't even big indulgences. But I still felt bad.
Since then, I've been feeling like I'm eating more, even though I'm not really. I mentally beat myself up if I eat a few extra pieces of cereal or some raisins. I even restricted yesterday on purpose by only having some fruit at snack. I know I should be fueling myself more, especially since I played an hour of tennis yesterday, but I just can't. It feels...good to give in to ED. I feel like I'm strong and in control when really, I'm slipping, slowly but surely. I don't think I'm losing weight (I haven't weighed myself in a month I think) but that might be an ED trick. I noticed this week that I had a slightly lighter period than usual, but I didn't really think much about it. I'm on birth control, so I don't know if minor weight loss or undernourishment can cause changes in menstruation.
I think I'm giving in to ED because my recovery seems to be going no where. I still exercise on a daily basis, always at least 40 minutes. My calf has been hurting a lot lately, but I ignore the pain. The thing is, exercising isn't even that fun anymore. I feel like a robot programmed to do it every day, but I'm getting burned out.
I've been doing okay body-image wise. Not the best, but not too bad either. I've been feeling for a long time that if I could just lose 5 or so pounds, I would be a lot happier about how I look. I mean, I weighed that much for at least two years prior to ED. Why isn't it an okay weight now? I know that my BMI would be at 16 if I lost only a few pounds (BMI is stupid, but still), but I just feel so uncomfortable where I am right now. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I was at a healthy weight, even at the very low end of the scale.
So honestly, I don't even know where my recovery is going right now. I'm still eating fairly normally, but I sometimes worry that my metabolism is slow because I don't eat 1800 calories or whatever it is that's supposed to be a healthy number for maintenance. I don't think I could ever eat that much food. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near a dangerous level but I'm wondering if all this exercise plus not quite enough fuel is slowing down my metabolism. I really just don't know. Here's the thing: I definitely don't want to give up all the progress I've made over 2 years, but I'm scared to let go of ED. So it's a balancing act, and I don't know which side will win out...
Have you ever had to be honest with yourself about something that's hard to face?
I think it all started on my birthday. It started out really well, but as the day progressed, I started feeling a twinge of guilt. I woke up early, like 6, because my mom and I were going to the IKEA grand opening. So I didn't get a chance to do my normal morning workout. We ate out at Panera for lunch (I got the strawberry poppyseed salad and barely ate any of the chicken). I was exhausted by the time we got home because we'd been practically running around the store for 2 hours trying to find the things we wanted to buy. So I only ended up doing 10 minutes of a cardio circuit and 10 minutes of yoga. Then my dad got home and we all went out to eat at Pei Wei. I got my usual Vietnamese chicken salad rolls, and ate two out of 3 of them, but also some edamame and some of my dad's brown rice and peanuts. And then later at home, we had some birthday gelato and I got a little bit extra. I felt horribly horribly fat and guilty. But come on, it was my birthday. I have the right to indulge, and they weren't even big indulgences. But I still felt bad.
Since then, I've been feeling like I'm eating more, even though I'm not really. I mentally beat myself up if I eat a few extra pieces of cereal or some raisins. I even restricted yesterday on purpose by only having some fruit at snack. I know I should be fueling myself more, especially since I played an hour of tennis yesterday, but I just can't. It feels...good to give in to ED. I feel like I'm strong and in control when really, I'm slipping, slowly but surely. I don't think I'm losing weight (I haven't weighed myself in a month I think) but that might be an ED trick. I noticed this week that I had a slightly lighter period than usual, but I didn't really think much about it. I'm on birth control, so I don't know if minor weight loss or undernourishment can cause changes in menstruation.
I think I'm giving in to ED because my recovery seems to be going no where. I still exercise on a daily basis, always at least 40 minutes. My calf has been hurting a lot lately, but I ignore the pain. The thing is, exercising isn't even that fun anymore. I feel like a robot programmed to do it every day, but I'm getting burned out.
I've been doing okay body-image wise. Not the best, but not too bad either. I've been feeling for a long time that if I could just lose 5 or so pounds, I would be a lot happier about how I look. I mean, I weighed that much for at least two years prior to ED. Why isn't it an okay weight now? I know that my BMI would be at 16 if I lost only a few pounds (BMI is stupid, but still), but I just feel so uncomfortable where I am right now. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I was at a healthy weight, even at the very low end of the scale.
So honestly, I don't even know where my recovery is going right now. I'm still eating fairly normally, but I sometimes worry that my metabolism is slow because I don't eat 1800 calories or whatever it is that's supposed to be a healthy number for maintenance. I don't think I could ever eat that much food. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near a dangerous level but I'm wondering if all this exercise plus not quite enough fuel is slowing down my metabolism. I really just don't know. Here's the thing: I definitely don't want to give up all the progress I've made over 2 years, but I'm scared to let go of ED. So it's a balancing act, and I don't know which side will win out...
Have you ever had to be honest with yourself about something that's hard to face?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Way Back Wednesday: "At 19, Everything is Possible and Tomorrow Looks Friendly."
19 years ago today, I was born in Desert Samaritan Hospital in Phoenix, AZ. I don't remember anything about that day (obviously!) except what my parents have told me--it was at the beginning of the 1992 Summer Olympics (held in Barcelona), my mom was in labor for about 36 hours before I was delivered by C-section and it was super-hot, in the 110s.
In those 19 years, I've accomplished a lot, been through a lot, probably more than I'd have ever imagined. As a little girl, I thought my life as a teenager would be carefree and easy, just like on TV shows. On my birthday every year, I dug into my cake without caring about how many calories or fat were in it. I just enjoyed the moment and didn't worry about what would happen to me in the next year. A lot has changed since then, but I'm still that innocent, fun-loving little girl at heart.
To celebrate, I decided to share 19 moments that have happened over the years that were important to me, shaped me as a person or were just fun.
[Age 1]: I learned to talk at 9 months (and haven't stopped since ;) )
[Age 2]: We moved to Colorado Springs from Arizona.
[Age 3]: I started taking dance classes--and didn't stop until I was 15!
[Age 4]: Preschool. My mom wanted to hold me back, because I was younger than most of the other kids and not as socially-mature, but my dad persuaded her to let me start kindergarten.
[Age 5]: Kindergarten. On the first day, I marched off into class and didn't look back! I wish school was that easy again...
[Age 6]: I got my first think-it-through (an elementary school discipline thing) and it made me so upset that I lied to my parents (for the first time ever, I think!) about it.
[Age 7]: I started second grade at a new elementary school.
[Age 8]: I met my (former) best friend, Jenna. We were inseperable until high school.
[Age 9]: I fractured my right ankle and had to be in a cast (glow-in-the-dark!) for a couple of months. I was in karate and acro dance at the time, but we never figured out exactly how I broke it. I was just disappointed that I didn't get to use crutches LOL!
[Age 10]: I started playing soccer with the YMCA in the fall (my team was the Golden Buffaloes).
[Age 11]: I got my ears pierced for my 11th birthday, but six months later, one of of them got infected and I ended up having to go to urgent care to get it taken out! Needless to say, I never got anything pierced after that!
[Age 12]: I started playing the tenor saxophone for my middle school band and jazz band. Yes, I used to be a band geek!
[Age 13]: I celebrated my 13th birthday with a sleepover and mall scavenger hunt with some of my friends.
[Age 14]: I started high school.
[Age 15]: I got my driver's permit, quit dance and joined the Yearbook staff.
[Age 18]: I started (and got through) my first year of college.
[Age 19]: Nothing yet--but I'm starting my sophomore year, I'm living on my own...who knows what may happen!
What is one of your favorite birthday memories?
In those 19 years, I've accomplished a lot, been through a lot, probably more than I'd have ever imagined. As a little girl, I thought my life as a teenager would be carefree and easy, just like on TV shows. On my birthday every year, I dug into my cake without caring about how many calories or fat were in it. I just enjoyed the moment and didn't worry about what would happen to me in the next year. A lot has changed since then, but I'm still that innocent, fun-loving little girl at heart.
To celebrate, I decided to share 19 moments that have happened over the years that were important to me, shaped me as a person or were just fun.
[Age 1]: I learned to talk at 9 months (and haven't stopped since ;) )
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| 8 months old (sorry about the bad photo quality--I had to take a picture of a picture!) |
[Age 2]: We moved to Colorado Springs from Arizona.
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| 14 months old |
[Age 4]: Preschool. My mom wanted to hold me back, because I was younger than most of the other kids and not as socially-mature, but my dad persuaded her to let me start kindergarten.
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| First dance recital |
[Age 6]: I got my first think-it-through (an elementary school discipline thing) and it made me so upset that I lied to my parents (for the first time ever, I think!) about it.
[Age 7]: I started second grade at a new elementary school.
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| Easter! I always loved digging into my basket and devouring the candy (especially Jelly Bellies) |
[Age 9]: I fractured my right ankle and had to be in a cast (glow-in-the-dark!) for a couple of months. I was in karate and acro dance at the time, but we never figured out exactly how I broke it. I was just disappointed that I didn't get to use crutches LOL!
[Age 10]: I started playing soccer with the YMCA in the fall (my team was the Golden Buffaloes).
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| I remember many camping trips when I was younger |
[Age 11]: I got my ears pierced for my 11th birthday, but six months later, one of of them got infected and I ended up having to go to urgent care to get it taken out! Needless to say, I never got anything pierced after that!
[Age 12]: I started playing the tenor saxophone for my middle school band and jazz band. Yes, I used to be a band geek!
[Age 13]: I celebrated my 13th birthday with a sleepover and mall scavenger hunt with some of my friends.
[Age 14]: I started high school.
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| I also started a fashion blog (this was one of my first pictures for it) |
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| Family vacay |
[Age 16]: I got my license (and later, started recovering from my eating disorder).
[Age 17]: I graduated high school in May.
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| Graduation night! |
[Age 18]: I started (and got through) my first year of college.
[Age 19]: Nothing yet--but I'm starting my sophomore year, I'm living on my own...who knows what may happen!
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| Ready to take on the world (at almost 19)! |
What is one of your favorite birthday memories?
Friday, July 22, 2011
Fave Five Friday #4
**Sorry about this edition of Fave Five Friday being so late (hey, it's still Friday, though!). I spent the whole day at a waterpark with my family and had a blast! I also haven't done a FFF in awhile, so I thought, why not?**
1. Cars 2
2. Starbucks
3. Double rainbows
4. Waterparks
5. Early birthday cards
What was one of your favorite things this week?
1. Cars 2
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| Mater is soooooo adorable :) |
2. Starbucks
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| Ignore random dude in the background! |
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| Took this waiting in traffic yesterday |
4. Waterparks
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| I went on this EXACT ride! |
5. Early birthday cards
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| Even better if they have a cute doggy on the front (not my card, for the record) |
What was one of your favorite things this week?
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I Suck At Moderation
Hi guys, sorry I've been MIA over here lately. I could say it's because I'm really busy or because I'm having lots of fun (both true) but the real reason is because I've been having such a hard time coming up with a topic to post on. But today I finally have one, and it's about moderation.
On the Today Show this morning, there was this little bit about how everything in moderation is really good for you. I wasn't really watching it, but my mom started talking to me and my sister (I have a feeling she was talking more to me...) about this thing she saw about this woman whose doctor told her that she could eat everything she wanted to, only in small portions, to lose weight. Apparently, it worked for her. Then I started thinking about how moderation and I do not get along. At all. I mean, having an eating disorder, by definition, is the opposite of moderation. For me, it means restriction, avoiding foods I deem unhealthy and feeling like I have to exercise every single day.
I feel like moderation is something that works for some people, but not for me! That is probably another stupid lie ED is feeding me, but that's how I feel. I think that if I eat some ice cream, or real French fries--even in a normal, or small amount--that I will become HUGE and I'll love the food so much that I'll have it on a regular basis, and that would be bad. Logically, that's probably not true, but I've become so attached to eating as healthily as possible that it's really hard to let it go. Honestly, I don't think anything's wrong with the way I eat now but some people might view it as restrictive. I eat organic whenever possible and I look for foods that give me a lot of bang for my nutritional buck--things like rolled oats, fruits & veggies, unsweetened soy milk, sprouted grain tortillas, Pure bars, beans and almond butter. None of those things are bad at all, but the problem is that I cut out other things to make room for those things. For instance, now I refuse to drink cow's milk (even skim) or eat corn tortillas, just because at one point I deemed those "less than healthy". There's nothing wrong with eating healthy, as long as it doesn't go too far. It did for me, and now I still struggle with orthorexia. However, I have to admit that eating healthy actually does make me feel a lot better, but I wish I could do it in a way that's balanced, not restrictive.
I've talked about my recent addiction to exercise. Everyone knows that being active is a good thing, but what about if you can't go a day without it? What if you feel guilty for only working out for 45 minutes when you could have gone at least an hour? What if you feel like you have to exercise in order to eat a normal amount? That's when I think exercise has become an unhealthy obsession. I'd like moderation in this area of my life too.
Basically, right now I really suck at moderation. I'm so much better with not restricting the amount I eat (though I still deal with that, too) but I'm having such a hard time letting go of my rigid food rules and exercise schedule.
Do you "suck" at moderation, too?
On the Today Show this morning, there was this little bit about how everything in moderation is really good for you. I wasn't really watching it, but my mom started talking to me and my sister (I have a feeling she was talking more to me...) about this thing she saw about this woman whose doctor told her that she could eat everything she wanted to, only in small portions, to lose weight. Apparently, it worked for her. Then I started thinking about how moderation and I do not get along. At all. I mean, having an eating disorder, by definition, is the opposite of moderation. For me, it means restriction, avoiding foods I deem unhealthy and feeling like I have to exercise every single day.
I feel like moderation is something that works for some people, but not for me! That is probably another stupid lie ED is feeding me, but that's how I feel. I think that if I eat some ice cream, or real French fries--even in a normal, or small amount--that I will become HUGE and I'll love the food so much that I'll have it on a regular basis, and that would be bad. Logically, that's probably not true, but I've become so attached to eating as healthily as possible that it's really hard to let it go. Honestly, I don't think anything's wrong with the way I eat now but some people might view it as restrictive. I eat organic whenever possible and I look for foods that give me a lot of bang for my nutritional buck--things like rolled oats, fruits & veggies, unsweetened soy milk, sprouted grain tortillas, Pure bars, beans and almond butter. None of those things are bad at all, but the problem is that I cut out other things to make room for those things. For instance, now I refuse to drink cow's milk (even skim) or eat corn tortillas, just because at one point I deemed those "less than healthy". There's nothing wrong with eating healthy, as long as it doesn't go too far. It did for me, and now I still struggle with orthorexia. However, I have to admit that eating healthy actually does make me feel a lot better, but I wish I could do it in a way that's balanced, not restrictive.
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| Fruit is great, but you shouldn't eliminate other things to eat it |
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| I'd like to workout when I want to |
Do you "suck" at moderation, too?
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Vacation Recap!
Thank you all again SO much for your responses to this post. I never would have guessed six months ago when I first started this blog that anyone would ever read it, let alone comment. You are all amazing, never forget that :)
Today, instead of my usual Fave Five Friday, I'll be sharing a photo recap of my vacation to Estes Park, Colorado! My family and I have been going there every summer for as long as I can remember and it's one of our favorite in-state destinations. Estes Park is a cute little touristy town, but it isn't lame and boring. It's only a few miles from Rocky Mountain National Park (home to the famous Longs Peak) and the town itself has tons of shops, restaurants and outdoor activities.
This was our first time going to EP for the 4th of July and man, was it crowded! It's usually pretty busy on the weekends but this year it was crazy. It was almost impossible to find parking, so we got a lot of walking in ;) But it was cool being there for the 4th, because we actually got to see fireworks. If we'd stayed at home, there wouldn't have been any fireworks nearby because of a fire ban. So it was totally worth all the crowds and stupid out-of-state drivers!
What is your favorite thing about vacations?
Today, instead of my usual Fave Five Friday, I'll be sharing a photo recap of my vacation to Estes Park, Colorado! My family and I have been going there every summer for as long as I can remember and it's one of our favorite in-state destinations. Estes Park is a cute little touristy town, but it isn't lame and boring. It's only a few miles from Rocky Mountain National Park (home to the famous Longs Peak) and the town itself has tons of shops, restaurants and outdoor activities.
This was our first time going to EP for the 4th of July and man, was it crowded! It's usually pretty busy on the weekends but this year it was crazy. It was almost impossible to find parking, so we got a lot of walking in ;) But it was cool being there for the 4th, because we actually got to see fireworks. If we'd stayed at home, there wouldn't have been any fireworks nearby because of a fire ban. So it was totally worth all the crowds and stupid out-of-state drivers!
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| Hummus pizza (vegan) |
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| The pool! |
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| Model status (just kidding!) |
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Santa likes to drink apparently... |
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| Strawberry froyo in a handmade marshmallow-flavored waffle cone |
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| Lake Estes |
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| My dad--King of the Rock! |
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| Sunshine veggie burger with jalapenos |
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| Chilling by the pool |
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| Fourth of July fireworks |
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| Awkward wolf sculpture in a store front |
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| A restaurant that serves cereal?! My kinda place :) |
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| Rainy mountains |
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| Pool time with my sistah |
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| Hugh Jass salad: lettuce, Craisins, strawbs, sliced almonds, raspberry vinaigrette |
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| Peace out, USA! |
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| Lawn Lake alluvial fan |
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| Legit license plate purse |
What is your favorite thing about vacations?
Friday, July 1, 2011
Fave Five Friday #3
Let me just say--thank you ALL for your amazing, thoughtful comments on my last post. I am so thankful for your suggestions and I will hopefully be able to implement them. I know it'll be hard, but I don't want to turn to another ED behavior to deal with my thoughts and feelings.
Now it's time for the next installment of Fave Five Friday! I love doing this postive post at the end of the week because it gets me excited for the weekend. This weekend, I have a little more to be excited about, though. Update to come next week :)
1. Tennis
2. Summer Fresh Salads
3. Music Blasting in the Car
4. Taking a Walk in the Forest
5. My Strawberry Plant Growing
What was the best part of your week?
Now it's time for the next installment of Fave Five Friday! I love doing this postive post at the end of the week because it gets me excited for the weekend. This weekend, I have a little more to be excited about, though. Update to come next week :)
1. Tennis
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| Please ignore how goofy I look...this photo was (obviously) taken 3 years ago! Sooooo old! |
2. Summer Fresh Salads
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| I tried Panera's strawberry poppyseed salad the other day and it's now my favorite one from there |
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| You should have seen me and my sister the other day... ;) |
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| I'm so lucky to live in a forested area! |
5. My Strawberry Plant Growing
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| See the tiny (green) strawberry and the flower? I'm so proud of my little plant! |
What was the best part of your week?
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