Thursday, August 25, 2011

Feeling Hot Hot Hot...Or Not

Hey girlies, thanks for all the wise words on my last post. They were just what I needed to get back on track with my eating.

My first week of my sophomore year is almost over (!) and so far, I've been enjoying it. I like my classes for the most part (minus statistics, but I hate math anyways) and I'm really loving having my own room. It's been amazing to be able to come back after classes and just relax and not have to deal with a roommate, and be able to wake up and go to sleep whenever I want.

That's my schedule for this semester. You probably can't read it, plus some of the classes aren't shown in the picture, so I'll just give you all a quick rundown. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday I have Individual & Family Development at 10, then Public Relations at 1. Friday I also have a Statistics recitation at 3. On Tuesday and Thursday, I have Statistics at 9 (I hate having class this early, but it hasn't been too awful yet), American West Since 1900 at 11 (it's a history class) and then Newswriting at 1. I really love the newswriting class, since it's in my major and my professor is super funny. And the class is really small, like 15 people, so I feel like it's more personal. It's weird because I'm in two 300 level classes, which I guess are usually mostly juniors, so whenever I go to those classes, the professors are like "You guys are so mature. Well then again, you are juniors!" Haha, it makes me feel really mature, since I'm just a sophomore.

So I was feeling great all week...until yesterday. Around lunch, I started feeling sick, but in a weird way. I had a strange feeling in my throat and some nausea, but I brushed it off and went to class. By the time I got there, I was feeling worse. I could barely concentrate during class because I thought I was going to throw up (TMI, sorry). Plus I was suddenly freezing, even though it was 90+ degrees outside.

Well, I made it through class and then walked back to my room. As soon as I got back, I tried to sleep. I was alternating between being too cold and too hot and I still felt crappy. But I was able to nap for almost 2 hours, and I felt a little better afterwards. I looked up my symptoms on WebMD and I guessed that I had heat exhaustion. Definitely a possibility, since I had been walking to and from classes for 45 minutes in 90 degree heat.

After my nap, I was kinda hungry so I had a small snack. But afterwards, I felt horrible again. At this point, the ED voice kicked in and was telling me that obviously, eating was out of the question, since I felt sick again afterwards. But...I was able to push those voices aside and I was able to eat a small dinner and a nighttime snack. I knew I had to fuel my body, even though it didn't make me feel awesome.

Today, I've still been feeling a little "off" but definitely much better. And I've continued to fuel my body, because I know it needs it.

Have you ever dealt with heat exhaustion? If you're in college (or ever were), what is/was your favorite class?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Back-to-School Blues & Hunger Cues

So my sophomore year starts tomorrow, and I can't believe where the summer's gone. I'm kind of sad it's almost over, but also excited to start the new school year fresh. I'm really hoping it'll be a lot better than last year. I liked last year, but I wasn't on the best of terms with my freshman year roommate and it kind of soured my experience. This year, I'm still in the dorms, but in a much nicer and newer building (with air conditioning!) and I have a room to myself. I do have to share a bathroom with 2 other girls, so I'm really hoping we hit it off or at least have a better relationship than my ex-roomie and I had. So far, they and a lot of other people (including guys!) on my floor seem really nice so I'm hoping everything goes well.

Move-in weekend was a lot smoother than last year for sure. My dad and I drove up Friday morning, grabbed lunch at Qdoba and then got to unloading the car. We took several trips up and down three flights of stairs and the elevator, but we got all of it in. My mom and sister drove up later and we unloaded the rest of the stuff and then headed over to the hotel we were staying at over the weekend. Then we got some dinner at one of my favorite places, Mad Greens. I've gotta admit, I've been kind of restricting a lot this weekend, not necessarily on purpose but my hunger has been out of whack since Saturday and it's freaking me out. Now I think it's back, but I still feel that pull towards continuing restricting so I'm not sure how that's going to go down this week, especially with all the stressage from new classes. I ended up getting a salad with baby greens, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, cannellini beans and tofu and I really just did not like the taste of it, so I barely ate any of it. But I did steal some bites of pita from my dad's panini so at least I did eat something.

Qdoba Naked Fajita Burrito with lime rice, black beans, pico de gallo and grilled veggies

Saturday we woke up bright and early at a quarter to 9. I had a small breakfast of Bear Naked granola and green grapes, since I still wasn't hungry, but I had a little breakdown when my mom insisted that I eat the Light 'n Fit yogurt she brought up from the breakfast buffet in the lobby. I was mostly upset because it wasn't my usual organic Greek yogurt with tons of protein (this yogurt only had 3 grams!) and natural ingredients. I ate a tiny bit and then threw out the rest when she wasn't looking. I really felt sneaky, like I did back in my ED days when I'd throw my food in the trash and never got caught. But honestly, the yogurt tasted way too sweet and chemical-y for me so I couldn't eat any more of it.

After getting some things at the store (including another mini fridge so I could turn it into a makeshift freezer), we headed back to the hotel for a quick lunch. My hunger was still mostly MIA, so I just ended up having most of a 200-calorie vegan tortilla soup (delish, BTW) and some grapes. The sad thing was, I actually felt guilty for eating that much because my mom only had some crackers and hummus because she wasn't hungry, either.

The parentals left for the rest of the afternoon to go on brewery tours so my sis and I just chilled at the hotel. We went to the pool for a little bit, played around with the radio in the room and people-watched from our third-story window. Some time during the afternoon, I finally felt a little hunger pang so I had some multigrain chips that I brought along. At this point, the hunger wouldn't go away, so I had some more grapes and a little granola. Of course, I felt incredibly guilty for eating this much, even though I was hungry.

We went out to dinner at a new-to-us place called Beach House Grill. At first, I didn't think I was going to like it, but I ended up getting something I really loved. For the first time all weekend, I feel like I actually ate a decent amount, even though it was pretty low-cal: a few small pieces of grilled mahi mahi in lettuce wraps, with fruit salsa and black beans and rice on the side. I also tried some of the green salsa and it was really spicy, so I had to drink a lot of water. I ended up feeling uncomfortably full after dinner (because of all the water), so again I felt guilty. I did end up feeling hungry again later so I had a small snack of Whole Foods sandwich cookies and raisins.

Some gorgeous flowers at the CSU gardens

Today has been rough eating-wise, too. I had an okay breakfast, a salad of just greens and grapes at lunch, some delicious birthday cake and soy chocolate gelato (best thing I've had all weekend!) for a snack and then my floor went to the dining hall for dinner together and I ended up just getting a salad with carrots and a few sunflower seeds with grapes on the side. Definitely not enough fuel, considering I've been running around campus and town most of the day. I tried to make up for it by having some multigrain chips and pineapple earlier, but I know I didn't eat enough.

I think I could just live on gelato...

Right now, I'm just incredibly exhausted from the weekend and stressed out about school. The last thing I need to think about now is food...which is exactly why I'm slipping. And now that I've had this slip-up last all weekend, it's so much easier to keep giving in and eat less and less. I haven't felt the urge to restrict in a long time, but it's back again. And I don't know what to do...

What do you do to get back on track after days of eating less?

Friday, August 12, 2011

Fave Five Friday #6

It's time once again for FFF! I can't believe how quickly summer is going by--I start school a week from Monday! I wish I had just a few more weeks at home to enjoy, but I'm going to appreciate the next week or so I have left.

1. Hiking/picnicking with my family

I love spending time in the mountains! (not me in the pic, BTW)
  2. Walking around the famous 16th Street Mall (in Denver)

This place is huge! And super cool :)

3. Last-minute shopping

What a haul haha

4. Trying new hairstyles
I love my hair waver!

5. Visiting Forever 21 for the first time ever (!)

The ring I bought :)

What are you enjoying about summer?

Monday, August 8, 2011

Happy Herbivore

I mentioned in this post a while back that I was seriously considering vegetarianism. I honestly think it's completely sickening how most animals are treated and on top of that, I just can't really stomach meat anymore. It doesn't appeal to me whatsoever, not even seafood as much.

This summer, my mom's kinda been on my case about my eating, which has been a little annoying but understandable. Mostly, she was just upset that I haven't really been eating meat at all lately. It's been a while since I actually ate a substantial amount of chicken or fish--if it's been part of a meal, I just kind of picked around it. But...this isn't another form of restriction. It's because I really just don't want to eat meat anymore, for ethical and personal reasons.  It just grosses me out now.

My mom talked to me a few days ago about this, and I was surprised to hear her say that a vegan diet has been shown to be helpful in eating disorder recovery. She just wants to make sure that I get enough calcium (I'm going to start taking a supplement and I'll still be eating Greek yogurt--so not fully vegan) and fats. Eating enough fat has been really hard for me during my ED and now in recovery, but now I'm going to be more committed to eating enough healthy fats.

So basically, I'm going mostly vegan. I will still have some dairy occasionally, but most of it doesn't appeal to me, besides my beloved Greek yogurt and gelato. I'm going to focus on high-quality plant proteins, such as beans, quinoa and tempeh (all things I love, BTW) and also on fats, like nuts, almond butter and avocado. This is NOT another way for me to fall back on ED, though. Eating vegetarian or mostly vegan really does make me feel my healthiest and happiest and I think eating this way could help me on the road to recovery. I will NOT allow myself to fall back into the "low fat" and "low calorie" trap again. I want to sustain this lifestyle so I can be as healthy as possible. I won't use this new way of eating disguise my anorexia or orthorexia. I really believe that this will be a challenge to me--I may have to go out of my comfort zone and try something new and "scary". But it's a challenge I'm more than willing to try!

One of my fave new veg finds is the Whole Foods hot/cold bars--I love the curried tofu quinoa salad and the maple roasted sweet potatoes!

Just a note, I'm not trying to advocate that this is a perfect lifestyle for everyone. Every person has different needs and preferences and this is just what works for me best.

What changes have you made to your eating habits that have helped you in your recovery?

Friday, August 5, 2011

Fave Five Friday #5 (Almost Wordless)

1. Friends With Benefits

Such a cute and funny movie (JT is soooooo hot!)
2. Homemade popsicles

Mine weren't quite as pretty, but they were yummy!

3. Supportive blog comments

You are all amazing :)

4. Back to school shopping

I got a lot of plastic dishes!

5. Gelato-topped overnight oats

Mint chocolate gelato on top of chocolate oats

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the wonderful comments I received on my last post! I will be rereading them from time to time to remind myself of my worth. :) 

Monday, August 1, 2011

Being Honest With Myself

This is a really hard post for me to write. A lot of my recent posts have been all bubbly and happy, and part of me is like that right now. I've got most of August to look forward to before I go back to school, I had a great birthday on Wednesday and life is pretty good for me right now. But another part of me feels enslaved--to ED--and also robotic, like I'm just going through the motions of my life without really feeling anything.

I think it all started on my birthday. It started out really well, but as the day progressed, I started feeling a twinge of guilt. I woke up early, like 6, because my mom and I were going to the IKEA grand opening. So I didn't get a chance to do my normal morning workout. We ate out at Panera for lunch (I got the strawberry poppyseed salad and barely ate any of the chicken). I was exhausted by the time we got home because we'd been practically running around the store for 2 hours trying to find the things we wanted to buy. So I only ended up doing 10 minutes of a cardio circuit and 10 minutes of yoga. Then my dad got home and we all went out to eat at Pei Wei. I got my usual Vietnamese chicken salad rolls, and ate two out of 3 of them, but also some edamame and some of my dad's brown rice and peanuts. And then later at home, we had some birthday gelato and I got a little bit extra. I felt horribly horribly fat and guilty. But come on, it was my birthday. I have the right to indulge, and they weren't even big indulgences. But I still felt bad.

Since then, I've been feeling like I'm eating more, even though I'm not really. I mentally beat myself up if I eat a few extra pieces of cereal or some raisins. I even restricted yesterday on purpose by only having some fruit at snack. I know I should be fueling myself more, especially since I played an hour of tennis yesterday, but I just can't. It feels...good to give in to ED. I feel like I'm strong and in control when really, I'm slipping, slowly but surely. I don't think I'm losing weight (I haven't weighed myself in a month I think) but that might be an ED trick. I noticed this week that I had a slightly lighter period than usual, but I didn't really think much about it. I'm on birth control, so I don't know if minor weight loss or undernourishment can cause changes in menstruation.

I think I'm giving in to ED because my recovery seems to be going no where. I still exercise on a daily basis, always at least 40 minutes. My calf has been hurting a lot lately, but I ignore the pain. The thing is, exercising isn't even that fun anymore. I feel like a robot programmed to do it every day, but I'm getting burned out.

I've been doing okay body-image wise. Not the best, but not too bad either. I've been feeling for a long time that if I could just lose 5 or so pounds, I would be a lot happier about how I look. I mean, I weighed that much for at least two years prior to ED. Why isn't it an okay weight now? I know that my BMI would be at 16 if I lost only a few pounds (BMI is stupid, but still), but I just feel so uncomfortable where I am right now. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I was at a healthy weight, even at the very low end of the scale.

So honestly, I don't even know where my recovery is going right now. I'm still eating fairly normally, but I sometimes worry that my metabolism is slow because I don't eat 1800 calories or whatever it is that's supposed to be a healthy number for maintenance. I don't think I could ever eat that much food. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near a dangerous level but I'm wondering if all this exercise plus not quite enough fuel is slowing down my metabolism. I really just don't know. Here's the thing: I definitely don't want to give up all the progress I've made over 2 years, but I'm scared to let go of ED. So it's a balancing act, and I don't know which side will win out...

Have you ever had to be honest with yourself about something that's hard to face?