I Hate...

So I haven't really posted in awhile, but hopefully the next paragraph will explain why. Basically, I haven't had the best past few weeks, ED-wise. Honestly, I've messed up a ton. Sadly, I can't really bring myself to care enough to stop, and as far as I know, I haven't lost any weight, which is why I feel I have to keep restricting. This is really, really hard for me to write, but I think honesty is really important in this process. I'd really appreciate comments, but I completely understand if you'd rather not comment.

**WARNING: This may be triggering and kind of depressing. Read at your own risk!


I hate feeling fat. I hate wanting needing to lose a few pounds. I hate feeling guilty for eating a few extra pieces of cereal after (an inadequate) breakfast. I hate not knowing what I weigh, and if I've lost any weight yet. I hate worrying every moment of the day about what I'm eating. I hate restricting to under 1000 calories, every single day (a couple of days it was around 600), and feeling like crap if I eat a little more than normal. I hate feeling compelled to exercise in my room, even though I walk for 45-60 minutes a day for classes, and sometimes I just don't feel like working out. I hate measuring my thighs and arms every day to see if they've gotten any smaller. I hate looking at older pictures of myself and beating myself up for not looking as tiny anymore. I hate how I constantly worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm fat. I hate not caring anymore that I'm screwing my metabolism over. I hate that I think 90 pounds is too fat for me and anything over that is out of the question. I hate not seeing results after all my restriction. I hate how I feel proud that my butt starts hurting after only a little while of sitting down. I hate how people never tell me I look skinny anymore and how I have to rely on my own ED-ified brain to figure out if I look okay. I hate that I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to have relapsed. I hate that I'm determined to be 85 pounds again, despite how underweight that is. I hate that I'm so obsessed with being skinny, and I'll probably never be skinny enough. I hate that I feel like I have to eat and exercise this way in order to stay healthy. I hate that I think I'll never be truly recovered...

A Moral Dilemma

So in my Moral and Social Problems class (yes, I know, that sounds so negative!) we’ve just started discussing the issue of animal rights and the environment. Over the weekend, I read through the chapter and took notes on it, as usual. I thought it would be sorta boring like some of the topics are, but it was actually fascinating. To the point that I was starting to feel really emotional. I like animals a lot, at least most of them, but I wouldn’t say I’m an animal rights activist. That is, until I read this chapter. I was beyond horrified to hear what really happens to many animals, both in “factory farms” and scientific laboratories. I’ll spare you the details, because they are pretty heartbreaking, but one thing that made me almost cry was finding out that in order to test the safety of new chemical products, they restrain rabbits so they can’t escape and put drops of these products in their eyes! Seriously, how would you feel if someone squirted shampoo, bleach or even weed killer in your eyes?! I already knew a lot about how badly animals are treated in confinement agriculture, but I found out even more, and it made me really sad.

Part of an all-vegan dinner: an EVOL veggie fajita burrito

Pink Lady apple and baby carrots

Homemade iced peppermint mocha: chocolate mint
soymilk, Starbucks mocha VIA instant coffee and ice!

Basically, I am really passionate about becoming a vegetarian now. I’ve considered it a lot in the past, and I currently eat a mostly-vegetarian diet right now (I only have chicken or seafood when I go home), but learning about all these atrocities done to helpless animals makes me want to go full veg. I don’t want to add to the already-huge number of animals being raised and slaughtered cruelly in this country. The only thing stopping me is my parents. I’m sure they would support my decision if it weren’t for the fact that I’m recovering from anorexia. If I told them I want to be a vegetarian, not necessarily for health reasons (though that’s also important to me, too) but just because I hate to see animals treated so horribly, I don’t think they would consider it at the moment. I really only eat meat if I’m around them, because they think I don’t get enough protein. I actually do, and I know plenty of non-meat sources of protein that I love. But I want to stop eating meat completely. They were okay with me eliminating beef and pork because they don’t appeal to me flavor-wise, but if I told them I was cutting out chicken, they would be concerned. I mean, I’m an adult now, but I think they still want to have some control over my food. I think maybe if I told them I was still going to eat seafood and fish, they might be okay with it, but our family mostly eats chicken. It just doesn’t appeal to me anymore, partly because I don’t care for the flavor enough to “need” it and also because of the way most chickens are treated. So I really don’t know what to do. I really want to be a vegetarian, but I’m worried what my parents will think.

Q’s: If you are a vegetarian (or vegan), how did you convince your parents to allow you to be one (if you did at all)? Why did you choose to stop eating meat?