Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Fighting Back?

Brrrr! It’s very cold out there! I’m not sure where you live, but I’ve heard that most of the United States is dealing with cold temps right now. I bundled up today on my walk to class but my face almost froze off. The clear, sunny skies were very deceiving!
Lately, I’ve been feeling run-down by ED. Even when I went home last weekend, I still couldn’t completely get his voice out of my head. All I know is, it’s driving me absolutely NUTS! I want to be able to enjoy my life without ED getting in the way, and that’s not happening right now. I have enough stress with school…I don’t need this, too.
But I’m trying to fight back. I’ve been restricting a little bit these past two weeks, and as a result, I often get hungry before it’s time for my next meal. My ED tries to tell me it’s a sign of success, but I hate going to bed starving.
I just got hungry, after eating a snack of Kashi crackers and an apple around 4. I’m not planning on eating dinner for another 20-30 minutes, but my stomach was telling me otherwise. So I ignored ED’s pleas to not eat, and I ate half a banana. I know that’s small, but it’s a start. Usually, I feel horrible if I break my ‘meal plan’ but I’m starting to realize that yes, hunger pains are my body’s way of telling me to EAT SOMETHING! This may seem really obvious, but it’s hard for an anorexic to deal with. But if I want to get better and break free of the hold ED has on me, I’ve gotta start eating when my body wants me to. Even if it’s halfway between meals, I need to do it. Even if it’s just a piece of fruit, it’s nourishment and it’s a step in the right direction.
It actually feels good to look ED in the eye and say, “You know what? Get the hell out of my life!” It feels amazing to kick ED’s butt by eating. Even if it’s just a little something, I know I’m fighting my way back to good health. One extra banana at a time.

On a sorta-unrelated note, this was something brand new I tried today--and loved! It's a cranberry-orange breakfast pita with Whole Foods crunchy almond butter spread on top...yummy! It's on a paper plate cause I'm a college student and it's easier to have disposable dishes (I know how bad it is for the environment, though).


  1. Hey Ash, thanks for stopping by my blog!
    Yup, is freezing for me too. It sleeted (is that a word?) last night and then froze, so my whole street is a sheet of ice.
    I hate going to bed hungry too. In fact, I really can't do it; I lie awake thinking about food, and I always end up getting something to eat in the end.
    I've definetely understand the guilty feelings when it comes to eating "out of schedule" with the meal plan. I totally get how difficult that can be. I'm happy to read that you were able to listen to your body and honor your hunger. It is something that's hard for people with EDs, so you should be proud of yourself. Even 1/2 a banana is a big deal because of what is represents: a HUGE slap in ED's face!

  2. I struggle with this too...I have an intense fear of doing any more than my meal plan says, yet I still end up hungry. Slowly I'm learning to listen to my body. They always know best, it seems.

    I've never heard of a breakfast pita...it sounds delicious!

  3. Eating outside of mealtimes is scary for me too. Its probably one of the hardest things to do, actually. So you should be really proud of yourself! :)
    I'm lucky enough to live in a warmer state, but I feel for all you guys who are freezing!
    I'm sending nice warm hugs!

  4. I can relate with the fear of eating outside of mealtimes and my meal plan. While in the beggining of my refeeding process I really needed the plan to help me gain, now it feels limiting because I'm terrified to eat more! I'm trying to learn to listen to my body though. Its so good that you were able to eat a little more when you were hungry, thats progress!
    Keep up the great work and keep fighting ED, you're doing amazing(:


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