Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Body Checkin'

Wassup? Hahaha, okay I’m not really gangsta, but try telling that to me a few months ago ;) Just kidding!

Oh yeah, I'm legit ;)

So…yeah, today I thought I would take on a serious topic that I’ve been dealing with for a very long time—body checking. I think a lot of people with EDs do it, it’s just a ‘normal’ thing, but I really hate how sneaky it can be. Half the time I don’t even notice that I’m doing it, which is really annoying, because now that I think about it, I do it a lot. A lot a lot.
For me, body checking has always been more focused on actually feeling different parts of my body. I do have a habit of checking myself in mirrors, too, but I don’t have to look in every mirror or window I pass, just a few that I encounter every day, like the one in my dorm’s bathroom. My real bad habit is checking to see if I can still feel my ribs, hipbones, spine, etc. Unless I’m really focused on doing homework or just having fun with someone, I probably body check a couple of times every hour. Yeah, it’s a little obsessive. I just hate that I still do it, even though I’m in recovery. Actually, the strange thing is I can’t remember ever doing it before I started recovering two years ago, even when I was really deep into anorexia. I remember checking myself in mirrors more often and measuring my thighs and arms, but never body checking. The first time I can distinctly remember it is a few days after my parents confronted me about my ED. I was sitting in the car with my mom waiting for my sister to be done with a play rehearsal, and we were just talking and I remember feeling my ribs over and over. No one has ever noticed it, or at least no one’s ever said anything to me about it. So I just keep doing it.
I’m struggling a lot less with strong ED urges, and I don’t act on them, but this body checking thing is a really bad habit that I want to get rid of forever. I don’t want to be constantly doing this for the rest of my life, even if no one else notices or cares, it still just feels weird. It feels like I’m still controlled by ED, and I don’t want that! I’m starting to pay attention to when I do it and ask myself why. I think it’s still a deep-rooted fear that I’m gonna get fat, but it’s also just a stupid habit that often has no reason at all. Anyways, I’m working on trying to stop it, or at least cut down on how often it happens. I want to be completely free of ED someday, and the only way that can happen is if I kick bad habits to the curb.
Q’s: Do you, or have you ever body checked? If you stopped, how did you do it?


  1. I do it alootttt too my love, and I hope it just starts to go away as brains normalize more and more. But I do alot with my legs and ribs, and so I can reallllllly relate

  2. I do that; I compare myself to others all of the time, and check constantly in the mirrors or anything reflective. It's really annoying and crazy. So I've been becoming more cogizant of my behavior and asking myself why am I doing this? What am I feeling right now?

    Most of the time, the answer is that I am anxious and stressed.

    So I do something that soothes my stress level and I feel better. So my behavior has been reduced.

    Try that? :)

  3. My latest post is kinda about this. It has to do with self-image. Yea, it's hard to see others that are skinnier than us or maybe pictures or memories of us when we were 'skinny' and then to look at our bodies now.
    I am trying to remind myself that I am SO much happier now, though. And I have a glow about me that I never did before. You do, too :)
    I'm so glad your ED urges have not been acted on! Proud of you girly! Sorry I haven't commented in a while! I'm reading and praying for you

  4. Ugh, I'm with you on this one, Ash. Body-checking is a constant struggle for me. I always have to feel for my bones too. It's a ritual every night before I go to bed and every day when I wake up, but sometimes I check when I'm with people too. That makes it awkward, b/c sometimes my friends notice and are like, "why are you touching yourself?" haha.

    We can both kick this bad habit to the curb!! Just like we shouldn't have to deal with other obnoxious ED behaviors, we shouldn't have to deal with this one either.

    I'm glad you're struggling less with ED urges! You go girl!

    Keep fighting <3

  5. Wheni had my Ed i did it ALL THE TIME!!... honestly it was only when i started gaining confidence for my body that i just didnt feel the need to check- because I knew what my body looked like an di was okay with it!

  6. I also do this... I have a bad habit of feeling my tummy, around my ribs, hips, at night, etc. As far as mirrors go, I look in one pretty much every time I pass one, but this doesn't seem like a weird behavior so much because I know a ton of girls who do this, haha. Glad you're not acting on as many ED urges anymore, that's always a good thing... maybe we can all kick this habit. Support group?


  7. ugh so annoying i still do it and it just upsets me every time so its becoming less and less of an issue! the more you grow (no pun intended) in recovery, you'll naturally stop doing it !

  8. For me, just being in my body is body checking as I am gaining weight. I just feel every inch from the inside out.
    I hope it goes away, too.
    For now I just grin and bear it.
    And take lots of naps.


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