Wassup? Hahaha, okay I’m not really gangsta, but try telling that to me a few months ago ;) Just kidding!
|Oh yeah, I'm legit ;)|
So…yeah, today I thought I would take on a serious topic that I’ve been dealing with for a very long time—body checking. I think a lot of people with EDs do it, it’s just a ‘normal’ thing, but I really hate how sneaky it can be. Half the time I don’t even notice that I’m doing it, which is really annoying, because now that I think about it, I do it a lot. A lot a lot.
For me, body checking has always been more focused on actually feeling different parts of my body. I do have a habit of checking myself in mirrors, too, but I don’t have to look in every mirror or window I pass, just a few that I encounter every day, like the one in my dorm’s bathroom. My real bad habit is checking to see if I can still feel my ribs, hipbones, spine, etc. Unless I’m really focused on doing homework or just having fun with someone, I probably body check a couple of times every hour. Yeah, it’s a little obsessive. I just hate that I still do it, even though I’m in recovery. Actually, the strange thing is I can’t remember ever doing it before I started recovering two years ago, even when I was really deep into anorexia. I remember checking myself in mirrors more often and measuring my thighs and arms, but never body checking. The first time I can distinctly remember it is a few days after my parents confronted me about my ED. I was sitting in the car with my mom waiting for my sister to be done with a play rehearsal, and we were just talking and I remember feeling my ribs over and over. No one has ever noticed it, or at least no one’s ever said anything to me about it. So I just keep doing it.
I’m struggling a lot less with strong ED urges, and I don’t act on them, but this body checking thing is a really bad habit that I want to get rid of forever. I don’t want to be constantly doing this for the rest of my life, even if no one else notices or cares, it still just feels weird. It feels like I’m still controlled by ED, and I don’t want that! I’m starting to pay attention to when I do it and ask myself why. I think it’s still a deep-rooted fear that I’m gonna get fat, but it’s also just a stupid habit that often has no reason at all. Anyways, I’m working on trying to stop it, or at least cut down on how often it happens. I want to be completely free of ED someday, and the only way that can happen is if I kick bad habits to the curb.
Q’s: Do you, or have you ever body checked? If you stopped, how did you do it?